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Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 06/02/2017 18:29

So planning activities to do at the weekend takes all week?

No. But the boring stuff in life doesn't have to be done at the weekends.

Barbie222 · 06/02/2017 18:31

but the difference is that with a job you are paid to do those things plus you have financial security and a pension maybe.

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 18:35

"Everything that has been listed consists of exercise, cleaning and appointments - all things people manage successfully whilst working full time and not something you would ever imagine someone planning to do with their existence. "

How could i go out and exercise through the week if i worked full time? I have children to ferry round and look after in the evenings. I also wouldn't be able to go out lunching and shoping!

harshbuttrue1980 · 06/02/2017 18:35

I think it is a bit lazy not to work when your kids are at school. It could also cause resentment, as your DH might start to feel unhappy about the fact that he's pulling most of the weight. If he left you, would you think you were justified in trying to claim half of the marital assets if you've dossed about for years? With a sahp of little children, they are working just as hard as the breadwinner. However, when kids are at school, I don't think someone who spends the day doing as she fancies is making an equal contribution to the relationship. Why should he have to pay for you to have a life of leisure? It seems so unfair. You're a grown woman, get a job.

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 18:39

I doss, he dosses. We are a pair of dossers.

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 18:41

I really feel for the women that work full time and then have to do the lionshare of kid stuff, house stuff, cooking, shopping etc.

I alwsys try and help my working friends out if i can.

WizardSally · 06/02/2017 18:41

What I do is irrelevant, the point is I support myself and I can't understand how anyone would be comfortable to live any other way. I do weekend activities and hobbies after work but the difference is I pay for them myself. My house is clean and attending medical appointments is a pain in the arse but doable.

It's the sense of entitlement I don't understand. Just because a partner earns enough for one half to not work and the bills will still be paid, why is it an option to do so? If your DC said 'I want to do well in life to support another human who can work but doesn't want to', wouldn't you be a bit Hmm

What was the point in getting an education? Cleaning, hobbies, etc. isn't benefiting society or setting any kind of example of how to adult. Again, if your DC responding to 'what do you want to do when you grow up' with 'live off someone else', that would be fine?

What if the breadwinner leaves? Will you rely on a divorce pay out and maintenance?

I just can't fathom how a person goes from meeting someone to them then living off them for the rest of their lives (again excluding those who genuinely can't work).

Barbie222 · 06/02/2017 18:42

You could always do an exercise video when the kids are in bed. Not that I can ever be bothered. But I think that's what my DH would say if I said "I need a day off in the week to do exercise so won't be bringing as much home each month"...

NataliaOsipova · 06/02/2017 18:45

You know those jobs people on here are always talking about? The ones that are 9-3 and give you the school holidays off? I hate to tell you, but they actually don't exist. I don't want to pay someone else to look after my children. I want them to be looked after by somebody who loves them. So does my DH. We are lucky to be able to have the luxury of that choice, but it's as valid a choice as someone else's choice to work.

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 18:46

Wizard -

You don't seem to have much imagination but that's ok. How do you manage your weekend activities and hobbies after work? Do you have children?

formerbabe · 06/02/2017 18:47

Most couples live together before they have DC...And the vast majority of women will have worked then. Many women will have owned their own homes before meeting their husbands and settling down. They therefore may have made a significant financial contribution to the home or property they own together before they have children.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 06/02/2017 18:51

I doubt the vast majority of non working parents own their home outright or had enough savings to make a contribution.

Wizard makes some valid points, showing children it's ok to opt out of working whilst making the other adult work is a poor example. Girls should want careers not play house and live off another adult.

WizardSally · 06/02/2017 18:51

No I don't have the imagination to fill all day every day with hobbies and interests for the next 20-30 years because it's not a life I would ever want, I'll do it when I'm retired.

I have DC, work full time, do fun activities at the weekend, attend exercise classes after work (that I enjoy, impossible to do otherwise) and clean my house as I go. DH does exactly the same. The majority of people we know do the same.

WizardSally · 06/02/2017 18:52

Your disbelief at working and keeping a home at the same time is worrying.

formerbabe · 06/02/2017 18:53

Wizard. Can I ask what you do for childcare? Or do you have family support? I literally don't have a single person who I could ask to pick my dc up from school in an emergency.

mambono5 · 06/02/2017 18:55

WizardSally

Raising your own children is nothing to be ashamed of, It's more fulfilling than most jobs, and you are not wasting your education when you encourage your children and help them becoming the best they can be.

some partners are actually delighted to have a weekend off because of the boring stuff is taken care of by the SAH parent during the week. So many couple argue about housework at the weekend, it's not ideal either. Not everybody can afford cleaners and nannies and have pure time off on Saturdays and Sundays.

formerbabe makes a very good point, financial contribution of a SAH parent can be more than you think

Saying that a SAH mum is not contributing to society is an awful point of view. Most mums feel awful not to be present enough for their children.

To be honest, even if they don't have children and one adult is staying home because the other one can afford to support them both, then so what?

Specu1ation · 06/02/2017 18:55

Wizard - I've been a SAHM for 14 years. We have 3 DC and it is what works best for us as a family unit. Do you understand this?

If I went to work, even full-time it would be a drop in the ocean compared to DH's salary, so the cost-benefit analysis for the whole family is that I'm more use at home. DH needs the flexibility to be able to travel at the drop of a hat and I facilitate this. He prefers that I'm at home for the DC and so do I.

I have a cleaner 3 times a week. I have never been bored in my life. We live in the middle of London. Most if my friends are in a similar position to me. It's absolutely fine. What do you want me to do? My DH is happy, the DC are happy and so am I. Do you actually think some lives are worth more than others due to hours worked outside the home?

BrieAndChilli · 06/02/2017 18:56

I probably appear as a SAHM as I work 12-3 (from home so in casual clothes) but if I did my job full time I would only earn about £50 more a month by the time I've paid tax and childcare!
Being able to go to the gym in the morning/run errands/prep dinner/go to school stuff/pick kids up from school/host play dates/takenkids to after school activities is worth more than £50 to us!

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 18:56

Wizard - but how do you do your classes if you have children to look after - do they sit outside the class waiting or is there a crèche?

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/02/2017 18:56

The OP made it pretty clear that she is not filling her days with fun hobbies.

She goes nowhere except the supermarket and PTA. She never sits down apparently. Just chores.

And that's true for many women I know who don't work. They basicslly take up all the domestic slack. Is that really any great shakes?

NataliaOsipova · 06/02/2017 19:01

Ok WizardSally - let's put this another way. We are what most people would call very affluent. And I say "we", as I'd made decent money before I became a SAHM. We now have children. Those children needed to be looked after. If two of you have a full on "international" career that requires travel at a moment's notice, 12 hour days etc, then those children aren't going to see much of either parent. And that wasn't the upbringing/family set up that we wanted. So I stayed at home.

Would it have been a better example to set our kids for both of us to work? We don't need the money. (And, yes, by the way, I did have a home I owned outright before I married DH). Wouldn't I effectively be saying to my kids that I'd chosen to see very little of them because I wanted to earn more money? And not money that we needed to to live/have a few nice extras....just money for the sake of it/to spend on a flashier car or flashier clothes. Because I'd had an "education" and I could. That material things were more important to us than spending time with them?

You enjoy your job? Great. Good for you. I really enjoy being able to spend every minute my kids aren't at school with them. My DH enjoys not having to stress about home or childcare and knowing that his children are looked after at all times by someone for whom they are the single most important thing. He enjoys the family time we are able to have when we are all together. So good for us.

SpiritedLondon · 06/02/2017 19:03

Wow! A SAHM with a cleaner 3 times a week! Living the dream.

Californiasoul · 06/02/2017 19:05

What conditions/illnesses do the kids have? Do they really have that many appointments and days off school?

formerbabe · 06/02/2017 19:07

I know couples who could easily live comfortably on just one of their salaries, but they both work and the DC are looked after by nannies or grandparents. Personally, I think that's madness.

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/02/2017 19:08

But natalia why is it okay for your DH to say money is more important to him the his DC?

Because no one needs to work a job with that little flexibility and long hours. Especially if huge amounts of capital are already available.