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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 05/02/2017 19:19

I do think it's important to think about the future

What pension will you have if you split up ?

When the kids are at secondary school how easy will it be for you to get back into work after a decade or more Off?

deadpool99 · 05/02/2017 19:37

I agree with katedan. They still very much need you when they are of school age. I say this as someone who had 2 full time working parents. I was always picked up by childminder and all of school hols at childminders. DM was absolutely knackered and as fab as she is, she had very little time to spend with me and I think she regrets that a bit now. But financially we have ended better off because of it cos she earnt more than DF. I think every family has to decide what is right for them at any given time, and it's nobody else's business

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2017 19:42

Just do whatever suits you and yours.

I'm not sure why you only sit down to eat your lunch though?

I was a SAHM to school aged kids for years and I used to sit down loads. In fact I can't think what I would have done on my feet for 6 whole hours each day Confused

Relax a bit.

BorisJohnsonsHair · 05/02/2017 20:16

I know exactly how you feel OP. I stayed at home until my youngest was 11, and then only worked part time (and still do).

People were always saying "what do you do all day?". But as my DH works away a lot, he is often home a lot during the week, so we get to do things together during the weekdays. The best comment I ever had was "ooh you must have a very clean house" WTF??

I volunteered with RVS, helped at the school and did an OU degree. I was always busy, but sometimes lonely and isolated.

I enjoyed being able to have time to cook every evening, help them with homework etc without being stressed out about working.

I now work 2-3 days a week, so I'm still here most of the time for meals, taxi duty etc.

Do what works for you and sod everyone else.

I think you have to do what's best for you and your family

rollonthesummer · 05/02/2017 20:21

Is your husband saying you should get a job?

Lilaclily · 05/02/2017 20:23

Agree with Worra, I have low standards and watched most of the West Wing boxset when I wasn't working Blush

Writerwannabe83 · 05/02/2017 20:28

In some ways I would so love to be a SAHM. I love my job but by God I'd love to be able to enjoy my DS and have some kind of order in my house/life without feeling exhausted all the time.

I'm totally jealous of your set up Grin

Chelazla · 05/02/2017 20:31

I would love not to work, I only work 3 days and find getting sorted on those days a pain! Dh was going on a me about going full time one school were both full time in school. 1 week of me doing a full weeks cover and he soon changed his mind!

formerbabe · 05/02/2017 20:34

In some ways I would so love to be a SAHM. I love my job but by God I'd love to be able to enjoy my DS and have some kind of order in my house/life

Honestly, I have no order in my life despite being a sahm. I thought once my dc were both in school, I'd have an immaculate home, always look well groomed and be super organised...I'm not Confused

early30smum · 05/02/2017 20:35

I also think both parents working very full on full time jobs puts a huge pressure on family life unless they earn so much, childcare is not a problem and they can afford the best. We had a year of both of us working full time jobs (but not 9-5 types, crazy working hours) and not enough money for amazing childcare and it was a hideous, awful year that drove us massively apart and we are only just recovering. However, the youngest was not at school...

formerbabe · 05/02/2017 20:39

early30smum

I agree...A quick look at the boards on here tells you that children plus two full-time working parents is quite often a recipe for resentment and exhaustion.

Vinorosso74 · 05/02/2017 20:42

It's up to you and your family what works. I gave up work when DD started school, shes Y2 now. The practicalities of it meant it was best for me to quit. People have these wonderful ideas about part time jobs which fit around school (I was already 3 days a week but full time expectations from senior management) or term time jobs; in reality there are so few and a lot of employers are very inflexible.
I've started volunteering once or twice a week, it is flexible and I'm enjoying it so far. Unfortunately it doesn't pay.

Barbie222 · 05/02/2017 20:53

Both of us working full time was really hard when kids were ill etc. I work two days a week now, which works well for us. But I think I'd want to be sure I had a way of bringing in enough should I end up alone for whatever reason :( so yes, I'll probably work full time again once they're all at school.

Gobbolinocat · 05/02/2017 20:54

@grobagsforever

Foolish question but doeskin Dh pension cover wife too? or will this be different for each and every pension?

If mY dh DIED - surely i would get his pension>?

BabyHamster · 05/02/2017 20:58

gobbolino don't know details but it's far more complicated than that as I understand it (not a SAHM but my sister is). Are you a SAHM? If so please look into it and make sure you are properly covered.

Mummamayhem · 05/02/2017 21:02

I've found working part time, term time only (very luckily) suits me fine. It challenges me and I'm not bored and earn a small amount. I didn't want to be completely out of work CV wise. Saying that if we have a 3rd child, working will be a luxury I can't afford! And would happily stay home. Whilst I am financially dependent on my husband right now I know I could get a full time job if I needed to - it'd just be more hours than I'd like.

PlymouthMaid1 · 05/02/2017 21:11

I found it virtually impossible to work when kids were young as their Dad worked offshore. One or the other would be Ill and with no family around, I always had to take time off. Gave work up in the end until youngest was ten as the stress was ludicrous.

grobagsforever · 05/02/2017 21:12

@gobbolinocat - with a private pension you nominate a beneficiary to receive the lump sum or monthly payments on your death. This would usually be your spouse, yes.

But in divorce pensions cannot usually be broken up - so the stay at home parent can be left with nothing for their retirement.

piefacerecords · 05/02/2017 21:13

I wouldn't want to be a SAHM for so many reasons...

The main one being that I have a job I enjoy.

I wouldn't want to be 100% financially dependant on somebody else.
I want to be a role model for my DD's to encourage them to have a career.
The RL SAHMs I know seem to get the shitty end of the deal.
And loads of other reasons.

But TBH I don't care one way or the other if other mums choose not to work and I would never ask why they don't work because it's none of my business.

Writerwannabe83 · 05/02/2017 21:17

And I suppose there's a lot of sacrifice involved in making the decision to be a SAHM - the reality is that a lot of households can't afford to lose one entire salary.

Anothermoomin · 05/02/2017 21:20

I work in education with lots of bright, clever, articulate, competent women who work part time as classroom assistants. When your kids are young it seems brilliant.

When your kids go to uni and you are still working 3 days a week in classrooms where you are more experienced, competent and skillful than the 21 year old classroom teacher it does not seem as much fun.

Don't get left behind.

GimmeeMoore · 05/02/2017 21:38

I don't understand why you don't work,you're able to.instead you're pottering about
PTA and 1 day watching relative child isn't exactly demanding.
You could be earning money,returning to employment but have chosen not to

elektrawoman · 05/02/2017 21:40

I understood that private pensions could be split in divorce cases?

State pension - check your NI contributions are full and consider paying into any missed years. You get full NI contributions whilst you are looking after children under the age of 12. You can check your contributions online on the Gov website and it will tell you how many years you still need to pay to get full pension. www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

Do you have Life Insurance? We have an insurance scheme so that if anything happened to either of us we get financial support. It's not nice to consider but if DH died I would need financial help, but if I died DH would be paying a significant amount in childcare.

sonlypuppyfat · 05/02/2017 21:44

My youngest is 12 my eldest is 17 I don't want to go to work, sod that game

NataliaOsipova · 05/02/2017 21:46

feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job.

To whom are you justifying yourself? Seriously. It's between you and your DH and it's nobody else's business what works best for your family. Just tell anyone who asks exactly that!

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