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Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 12/02/2017 17:47

When I returned to work after Mat Leave I went back part time initially (30 hours) and some of my colleagues were generally shocked as "That's such a long time to be away from your baby..." Hmm He was almost 11 months at the time. Six months after starting back I increased my hours back up to full time.

I'm currently pregnant with DC2 and my colleagues have already started on me about how I'm obviously not going to go back full time once I've got two children....

GimmeeMoore · 12/02/2017 20:22

I work, ft I don't do all the housework.we do the housework we raise the dc
Unfortunately some women are stuck doing chores,childcare ft work because their partner is lazy
In that case both need to address their behaviour,beliefs,expectations why this pattern occur
And maternal instinct is a label that suits patriarchy,as in women can't help it,its instinct,biology innit
Maternal instinct is inadequate to explain why women are encouraged to give things up

Gwenhwyfar · 12/02/2017 21:58

"Thing is - in the past women would be having children from a young age and would often spend a fair part of their life being pregnant and looking after young children."

They worked as well though, in the house or the fields or a cottage industry. Children helped out, were looked after by older sibling/other family members or were latchkey kids.

GimmeeMoore · 12/02/2017 22:34

oft touted myth that women were home with children.no.women worked their kids too
Working women in mills,agriculture,factories with kids working. Only affluent women didn't work,but they also didn't do chores/childcare.
they had staff inc female & children too. housewife is a postwar construct

LillyGrinter · 12/02/2017 22:39

gimmeemoore. There are women who are happy to stay at home and look after their kids as indeed are some men. Some people enjoy looking after kids full time. Women now not only deal with some chauvinistic men but some women who seem hell bent on making them feel guilty for not wanting a career.

GimmeeMoore · 12/02/2017 22:47

really?only other women ever did the head tilt and why have children of speech to me
I've had the research shows speech,the precious moment speech always women,never men
Disapproval I've received always from other women.but no on makes me feel guilty.at all

BoboChic · 12/02/2017 22:50

The main reason I have wanted to be around for the DC is in order to enrich all our lives with activities that get pushed out when both parents work FT. I like cultural activities and am lucky to live somewhere with endless cultural activities on my doorstep. I just wouldn't have time to do everything we do if I had a FT job.

GimmeeMoore · 12/02/2017 22:55

We are not bereft of Cultural activities,That's what we do weekend,like most folk
What is the everything that prevents you working,everything you need time to do?
So if your man works,ft.only available for cultural activities at weekend,is that problematic?

BoboChic · 12/02/2017 22:59

We have plenty of time to organise ourselves as a family around a whole host of activities because spending fewer hours at work overall gives us more flexibility. The weekends are not great for cultural activities - a lot of the best talks or private views etc happen during the week. Weekends are often spent catching up on work! And doing more routine activities (conservatoire, clubs, cinéma).

SalmonFajitas · 12/02/2017 23:06

Gimmee you seem unusual obsessed with the idea that your choices are the only correct choices to make. Of course there are advantages and disadvantages of both working and staying at home yet you seem totally incapable or unwilling of accepting this. I get that people are made to feel defensive but this is just silly.

My DC are similar to me, quite introverted, big readers and thrive with time in small groups. My parents both worked full time when I was growing up and I hated it. I hated being at the childminders after a full day at school, I hated that I couldn't look forward to school holidays - reading books and playing lego or going on family days out because I had to be in kids club. I hated that I got home at 6pm and had to rush through dinner, bath etc and didn't have more time to just hang out with my parents and regroup after a day at school. I hated days when I was sick and the (perfectly nice) cleaner had to come and sit with me because it was an important day a work. I hated that no one could usually come and see my sports matches.

Now I'm not saying even child feels this way - some might love kids club and seeing their friends at the childminder's after school and not mind as long as parents can occasionally see them play sport. But I did mind and I think my particular DC would mind too. So I'm glad I can provide them with those opportunities. Likewise my DH works long hours and I'm glad I can make things less stressful for him by having all the boring home stuff sorted. I'm also glad I can do voluntary work that actually has more of a positive benefit on the world than I did when I was earning lots of money.

For us our current situation is undoubtably better than it would be if I was at work, and I'm perfectly willing to believe that you've also made the right decision for your family. It would be incredibly presumptuous of me to believe the actually I know better how you should organise your family life.

GimmeeMoore · 12/02/2017 23:06

We are not disorganised,so don't need 37+hr week to organise the family
Don't catch up on "work" at weekend as we've keep on top of it.if you don't work why are you behind?
Weekend that's our family time to do whatever we chose,but it doesn't have work emphasis

Gallery Viewings etc we do at weekend as we have memberships and can book

BoboChic · 12/02/2017 23:10

If you feel fulfilled with your life, that's lovely for you. Our family wouldn't enjoy such a restrictive timetable but I am aware many people like fixed routines and prefer every week to look quite similar.

GimmeeMoore · 12/02/2017 23:10

Salmon,I'm no more strident in my opinion than the unwaged nonworking on this thread
You see that's how threads on mn go.posters vociferously post,often opposing opinions.repeatedly
Will you be taking issue with the sahm posting on thread? no?i didn't think so

SalmonFajitas · 12/02/2017 23:13

I don't see a SAHM repeatedly posting that they're set up is preferable in every other situation. You seem to imply that there are literally no advantages to have a parent staying at home - this is clearly silly. It may not be the best option for you - but it's weird you seem to want to argue that it's not best for other people or to pretend you can't understand why people want to do it.

GimmeeMoore · 12/02/2017 23:14

I didn't say we had fixed schedule ,I said we predominantly have weekend as we work
And you said you need time to get organised,at least 37+hr week more than I
I fortunately am v organised

BoboChic · 12/02/2017 23:16

Yes, Gimmee, you are much more aggressive than other posters. You have no business thinking or saying that your way of managing your family is right and other posters' ways are wrong.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/02/2017 23:16

"oft touted myth that women were home with children.no.women worked their kids too
Working women in mills,agriculture,factories with kids working. Only affluent women didn't work,but they also didn't do chores/childcare."

Yes, but also before the industrial revolution women's work was in the home or close to it, cottage industries, working in the small holding, etc. so they worked and small children were nearby.

GimmeeMoore · 12/02/2017 23:16

Do carefully read again salmon,you'll find I'm not only poster who believes their way to be optimum

GimmeeMoore · 12/02/2017 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BoboChic · 12/02/2017 23:19

There is no inherent virtue in working for money if your financial needs are already met. And there are many useful and productive things to be done for others if you possess the time to do them.

Bambambini · 12/02/2017 23:43

Gimme - so your rational is that you'll act like a cunt cos some others have acted like cunts. Yip, race to the bottom for some.

Brokenbiscuit · 13/02/2017 01:05

There is no inherent virtue in working for money if your financial needs are already met.

I agree with that. But equally, there is no inherent virtue in staying at home to look after the kids.

As for doing useful and productive things for others, I agree, there is a great deal that can be done if you have time to do so. I am in the very fortunate position of having a job that enables me to help others in far more significant ways than I could in a voluntary capacity, though as it happens, I do volunteer as well. Of course, not all jobs are socially useful, but it is a very great privilege to be able to work in a role where you can genuinely make a positive difference.

BoboChic · 13/02/2017 01:08

I think there is an inherent virtue in being at home to bring up children: they cannot, after all, be expected to bring themselves up alone.

Brokenbiscuit · 13/02/2017 01:12

There is obviously an inherent virtue in ensuring that your children are well cared for. We all do that.

However, I don't think there is any inherent virtue in being a SAHP.

BoboChic · 13/02/2017 01:15

To care for children and to bring children up are not synonymous concepts.

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