To be shm after children are at school

[Notthinkingclearly]

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

formerbabe, some women do all the things in your second paragraph bar the 'stay at home all day' bit

Yes and I thinks it awful how many men expect their wife, mother of their DC, to work full time and still fulfill the role of a 1950s housewife.

"How about I can't imagine expecting a partner to stay at home all day, washing my clothes, ironing, cleaning, cooking for me, looking after our children, doing the school run, covering school holidays, shopping for food so that I didn't have to?"

Former you forgot "and on top of that work full time" - as would be the case for many of us here (who also might have no family support) whose partners work away a lot.

Women need to put their foot down - bollocks to what men expect!

Winning the lottery is different. If you win the lottery, that makes you financially independent from your partner/husband. You could give up paid work without a backward glance. But giving up paid work to be financially dependent upon another individual is best kept to a minimum term. Not just for the financially dependent one, but also for the one who's shouldering the burden of providing the money - anyone remember the thread where the husband desperately wanted out of his job, but the wife wouldn't countenance working herself so that he could get a lower paid and less stressful job?

sacrifice is a very prevalent word on this thread. I don't feel I have sacrificed anything. I have a great life. I am able to study. I am able to support my dc in a way that I would like. I don't feel I have sacrificed anything. We made a choice as a family and it works for us.

I refuse to bow down to what is expected of me as a woman, still, by a large proportion of society. It's ridiculous!
How crazy is it, that a woman would choose not to work, because her DH os incapable of changing a toilet roll, and picking his pants off the floor. Beggars belief, but us all to common,.

"formerbabe, some women do all the things in your second paragraph bar the 'stay at home all day' bit."

And that's unfortunate- surely not sonething we should be aiming for. Surely, it shouldn't have to be a race to the bottom.

The fact is that the number of SAHMs compared to the number of SAHDs must be far, far higher and there must be a fundamental reason for that.

I really can't think biologically and historically what that reason could be.

I had a year off (DD still in primary school) - now I am back to work I've realised how bad being off was for me.
When I was off I saw people but the difference with work is the variety of people I come in with and most importantly is having something to talk about.
I have friends who don't work who have encyclopaedic knowledge of the stock shops have in town, it hurts my head.

One of my SIL gave up work - not because they could afford it but because her friends could and 'it wasn't fair'.
She had a well paid job and has spent the last 15 years doing nothing. She has a cleaner, she doesn't really cook, she often refuses to do things for BIL as 'it's not her job to be a skivvy'
She is now massively unskilled and unorganised - I never known anyone who can be that late all the time. Every task takes her a full day (food shopping etc)
Her kids make their own way to and from school now too.

Ironically her friends both went back to school (change of economic climate) and she can't get a job. This choice has caused lots of financial grief for their family she has expected other family member to sort out (including us!).
Going back to work for me was hard - I had gotten used to the free time, it amazing how all the jobs you do can fill your time and the balance of doing them and work is a skill I have had to relearn.
I don't really now want to leave working again.

If a man was incapable of cooking, cleaning or working without me being there he'd not be much of a partner but more a man child. Not what I look for personally.

I like an equal, someone who shares everything not someone who expects me to be home playing house. If they want that, they can be single and get a maid.

It's like telling girls there's no need to work hard at school or higher education as you won't need it to wash dishes and iron his shirts.

I really can't think biologically and historically what that reason could be.

I was thinking about on a Societal level. Women giving up work to provide childcare and keep tidy houses whilst the man earns the money seems to be expected and women seem happy to just go along with it.

There is nothing inherently virtuous about making life hard for yourself.

This.

And I would add: or others.

There is nothing inherently virtuous about WOH and having less time and energy to make life comfortable for your whole family. Working hard can only be considered virtuous if you add human value. There are so many jobs where the human value added is very questionable indeed.

How can a partner share the day to day cooking, cleaning, shopping, childstuff, child sick days, school holiday child care etc - when they are away a lot?

Writer, women are happy to go along with it initially because they enjoy their children and love looking after them, pre school. They are then happy to go along with it once the children are at school because it's easier than working. It suits them, despite some protesting otherwise.

I think the point is bambam that in some cases, where possible, the man should realise that with children come responsibility and that he should pull back from his work commitments to carry out that responsibility, not just carry on regardless whilst his wife does everything. Surely it's about wanting to be equal and that a man should want to do his fair share?

They are then happy to go along with it once the children are at school because it's easier than working. It suits them, despite some protesting otherwise.

I just can't understand why a man would be happy with this though? Where's the equality? There's no way I would be happy for DH to just sit around at home or pursue hobbies whilst I had to go out to work to pay all the bills etc.

I don't understand how in some situations the men don't get resentful?

Surely it's about wanting to be equal and that a man should want to do his fair share?

Well a quick look at these boards will show you plenty of men don't want to do their fair share! Men nowadays must think they've struck gold...Women who work and do all the housework!

I see both sides as I've done both sides of the coin. It really doesn't matter to anyone outside your family what you if you can afford it . If you choose to stay at home in the long run (beyond the needs for nursery and early primary child rearing) and you and your husband can both afford to retire at a comfortable lifestyle then you have the luxury of choice.

I feel we in society are too short sighted. We will have a massive aging problem where we can support ourselves financially beyond 60s answer 70s. People will live until their hundreds and not necessarily healthily either. It will be a huge drain on society to support us when we are older.

It shocked me into action when I have 20 years pension contribution and it will only give me £8k a year to live on when I retire. For a couple that will not stretch far and there is talk of state pensions being scrapped.

For my frail grand mother it has costs £10, 000 a month to put her in a quality private care setting that looks after her complex health needs. And that has all been paid for privately as NHS provision is just woeful . That was a real shocker and she could live on for another 10years easily.

I cannot afford to give up work precisely because of this reason because of this reason when i aged 40 could have at least another 10 healthy years to put a financial vehicle in place to give me pension security and savings to look after me and my husband without relying heavily on my children.

Unless you have a quarter of a million savings investment at a minimum you will be fucked.

where we can't support ourselves financially beyond 60s answer 70s. Try finding a job in yours 60s and 70s compared to now when you are at your physical and mental prime!!

Men nowadays must think they've struck gold...Women who work and do all the housework!

I've pretty much stopped doing the housework - well at least to the degree that I used to I'm learning to adapt to living in a less than perfectly tidy house and although it's been hard to pull back from it my current state of mind is "If he won't do it then nor will I!"

I just can't understand why a man would be happy with this though? Where's the equality? There's no way I would be happy for DH to just sit around at home or pursue hobbies whilst I had to go out to work to pay all the bills etc.

Men can get plenty out of it. No washing, ironing, cleaning, food shopping, cooking, taking annual leave to cover school holidays, ferrying DC to extra curricular activities, rushing to drop DC to childcare before their commute etc etc.

I just don't get this- "my husband is away a lot" He's away a lot because you are supporting him to do it.

In my situation, if my H decided he wanted to work late for promotion or whatever, our children would
Not be collected from childcare. Why should I be the one to give up everything so he can do that?

I have a family example and will be crass enough to put figures on it. Husband earns around £120k. He leaves at 7am and returns after the children are in bed. He travels abroad for a few days at a time and occasionally the whole week. He has little involvement in his children's lives although generally has the weekend with them. He doesn't like to spend time with them so it's no sacrifice. He has a SAHM who was a PA before the first child came along and probably earned £40k ish.

DH and I earn the same as him jointly. I drop off at childcare at 8.30 and have the morning with the children getting them ready. DH picks them up at 5.30 and we have the evenings together. We only travel overnight once or twice a year. Which is all pre planned so the other can cover it. My children are extremely close to their father- we parent 50/50.

Neither way is wrong but I do find it sad that women devote their life to parenting when it should- in their 2 parent set up- be a 2 person job.

Are many relationships truly equal though - in all aspects?

I wonder what we had done if i had been the high flyer he is with an equally (or at least somewhat) demanding job with long awkward hours and even travel involved. Maybe he would have had a different job but tbh, i love that he's driven and loves his job and gets a real kick from it. Some prople have to work incredibly hard with none of that.

I wonder what we had done if i had been the high flyer he is with an equally (or at least somewhat) demanding job with long awkward hours and even travel involved.

My guess is it would still have been you who'd given up work.

And no, a lot of relationships aren't equal because men are easily able to duck out of family life and home life because women enable it.