To be shm after children are at school

[Notthinkingclearly]

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

bambi - that wasn't a personal slight at you, I just meant it in the sense of in society it's usually the woman's career that comes second to the mans.

I think the problem with discussions like this is that other people's agendas come into play. I don't always trust these discussions on Mumsnet as people invariably come in to justify their life choices by denigrating what others do. I think there's often a huge amount of incongruency in this. My closest friend is always making passive aggressive remarks avout the fact that I work from home part time and she works from 8-6 and just sees her kids to wake them and put to bed. But it's very contradictory. On the one hand she beats the drum of the proud happy wohm who is showing a great example to her daughter. On the other hand, she hates her job, her boss, frequently says she's desperate to cut her hours and wants to win the lottery. She can't afford to do that as they need two incomes, but would she become the person she says she pities and can't understand, ie the sahm, if she had an actual choice to make? I'm pretty confident she would and I'm pretty confident she'd then make passive aggressive remarks about wohms to justify her situation! People have agendas and I don't always trust this. Especially on the internet.

I don't always trust these discussions on Mumsnet as people invariably come in to justify their life choices by denigrating what others do.

I agree and it becomes more and more entrenched. The more other people put down their choices (working or staying home) the more defensive they become and the more they feel the need to justify themselves.

That's ok. I just would never have been able to or would have wanted the career my husband has. Luckily my oh possibly gets to spend as much if not more time than many dads who come home every night due to him working at home when not away and being able arrange his own working hours (to a degree) to take the likes of 4 weeks in the summer for holidays.

When i look at all my friends where we live - no one has the circumstances we do.

"When people say "reliant on a man for income" they neglect that that man is also reliant on the woman for childcare. "

But if they split up the man would still have childcare provided by the woman, but the woman wouldn't be getting an income from the man (I'm presuming that alimony is rarely given these days).

Good post papaya

The less added value you provide for your DH, the easier it is for him to find someone who will offer more. And vice versa.

Bobo - very true!
The SAHM model works best where both partners feel that they're getting the deal that suits them.

papaya, that's it exactly - most people would take the opportunity to give up work and be a SAHM. Your friend is making passive aggressive remarks because she's jealous. She does wish she could give up her awful job. She talks about the great example she's setting her own daughter because she needs to find something good in her situation. People have to do that in order to keep from falling into depression (if they haven't already).

I still stand by what I said earlier though - that giving up work in order to become financially dependent upon another person is a risk. Giving up work when you've won the lottery is entirely different, and for those of us that do have to work to keep a roof over our family's head, the plus side is that we would not necessarily, for example, need to turn a blind eye to a husband's philandering for fear of his (and his income) leaving unless we chose to do so for other reasons, nor would we need to put up with a partnership or marriage which was less than we'd hoped for ourselves for the same reasons.

I am/was a sahm who has recently returned to part time work, but still doing 100% of the childcare/house stuff/shopping/cooking etc. It's like my job doesn't "count", despite the fact that I am always either working, ferrying kids round, or with a three year old and all the palaver that that entails.

I need to rearrange things.

*NoMoreAngstPls. Women need to put their foot down - bollocks to what men expect!

If a man was incapable of cooking, cleaning or working without me being there he'd not be much of a partner but more a man child. Not what I look for personally. I like an equal, someone who shares everything

I refuse to bow down to what is expected of me as a woman, still, by a large proportion of society. It's ridiculous!*

I agree with all of these and although they were said on reference to being a WOHM I dont see why it's any different being a SAHM.
We chose what to do what was best for us irrespective of anyone else's opinions. Of DH thought me being a SAHP parent meant he hadn't got tp do anything he'd get his answer.

DP arrived capable of looking after himself. Hes learnt how to look after DS. Me being a SAHM do not negate the need for him to be a grown up. I dont understand why people think being a SAHM changes the desire to have a relationship with a functional mature adult or why women humour men in regressing. Someone up thread said something aboit working when they got married as DH was so immature when they got married - why marry someone who's that immature irrespective of work plans?

There's as much expectation on me to work as there is for me to give up work. Everyone has an opinion but really if it works and you have made the decision jointly who cares?
And if its not been made jointly there are bigger issues

I just don't get this- "my husband is away a lot" He's away a lot because you are supporting him to do it. In my situation, if my H decided he wanted to work late for promotion or whatever, our children would not be collected from childcare. Why should I be the one to give up everything so he can do that
So you'd sit at home alone with the kids on childcare til late cos you shouldn't have to have them more than him?? What would you be giving up to collect the children?
What is wrong with supporting someone to fulfil their dreams? A relationship is surely aboit supporting each other. Similarly if you wantes to work I'd expect him to pick up the kids, cook tea, do homework.
Of you both needed to work late every night then you'd need a agree a compromise

Alaia5 - being a DH/DW/DP is ultimately like any other job: if you want to hold onto it, make sure you are irreplaceable and add more value than the competition;). The ways and means of doing that will depend on your particular circumstances.

zippidy yes you do. Did he do house stuff before the kids arrived? There's no reason that anything done once you're both home isn't shared

The less added value you provide for your DH, the easier it is for him to find someone who will offer more. And vice versa.
Tbh I expect DH to stay because he loves me not based on how many loads of washing I do PR how many blow jobs I give. If he gets to the point where hes working out if the secretary can give him more hes welcome to walk. Even as a SAHM with little independent savings

The love he feels is not divorced from the care you provide. And care is mostly an emotional and intellectual thing.

Agree Boho, not whether I wash all his socks and enable him to be a lazy ass

I think she means she'd be at work! Not sitting at home to make a point!

stealth

if my H decided he wanted to work late for promotion or whatever, our children would not be collected from childcare implies she's finished for the day, he's working late and she won't collect the children.

Why? She might work evenings? I can't see where it implies that

Re the lottery question.

If I won big on the lottery, I don't know if I would continue in my current job. I like my job, like my colleagues and appreciate the flexibility/reasonable hours, which are highly unusual on my sort of salary. At the same time, it's quite stressful when I'm there, and I would like to have less stress in my life.

What I do know for certain is that I definitely wouldn't want to give up work entirely, though I would consider moving to a less stressful job. If I stopped work entirely, I know that I would struggle with the lack of routine or structure. I would be much less organised than I am now, and I would use my time much less productively. I would end up achieving very little and then feeling rubbish about it. That isn't a comment on other SAHMs, by the way. Just a reflection on my own nature. I thrive when I'm busy and get depressed when I'm not.

Thinking about it, I'm not even sure if I would move to a less stressful job, if money was no object. My current job is stressful because I'm in quite a senior role, with responsibility for significant projects and a lot of staff. Stress goes with the territory in that kind of role, and I don't like it, but on the other hand, I do like having the power to make things happen and to shape what we do - my work gives me a huge sense of achievement. I would miss that if I stepped down to a less stressful role.

My ego might also miss the status that I guess I've kind of got used to.

Well yes, I admit I do quite a lot for my DH - to the point where I end up buying most of his clothes as he hates shopping and doesn't have time. But I would certainly not be turning any blind eye to philandering, SAHM or not!

My neighbour's DH is the stereotype of the mid 40s, good-looking multi-millionaire who had a mid-life crisis and shacked up with a 23 year-old Ukrainian. My friend was obviously devastated, but she's stayed in the house with no mortgage and financially she still has no worries. Now the ex's girlfriend had decided she can't do the "housewife" thing this man has come to expect - nor can she look after his 3 DC on weekends while he is playing golf or whatever. So she's left him. He now can't look after the DC on his weekends because he's had a mental breakdown and his company is going down the pan by all accounts. Meanwhile, my friend is going back into teaching.

stealth fair point, I didn't read it like that but yeah I'm that case fair enough

being a DH/DW/DP is ultimately like any other job: if you want to hold onto it, make sure you are irreplaceable and add more value than the competition;)

Can't say I like your perspective on relationships tbh. Yes, a relationship requires that effort is invested on both sides, but I don't view my marriage as a transaction. It's a commitment that we both made to each other.

There have been times when my DH has added very little "value" tbh, particularly during a very difficult period of depression. I didn't start looking around to see whether there were better offers on the table!

No momma, my husband collects the children because I am at work. The post doesn't imply otherwise

Yeah I misread it trainspotting, no one would reasonably expect you to come pit of work (either per shift PR permanently) just so your DH could further his career unless that suited you both