Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 31 32 33 ··· 36 37

Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:

Zanymummy · 12/02/2017 09:03

You are quite right to be SAHM if that's what what helps the family unit. Being there for when they're ill or off with study time as well as running the home and the finances is a full time job in itself. My partner rejoined his old employer and is overseas for up to 4 months at a time. I know exactly the pressures of being home alone without his support/help. Being home and available gives my kids the stability and continuity when he is away. Of course each family is different in terms of what does and doesn't work but being a SAHM works for our benefit so far

NoMoreAngstPls · 12/02/2017 09:04

And 're. after school care -what nonsense!

I used to have the same view, and found other solutions for my DCs, as I too had been made to feel like ASC was equal to sending your DCs up the chimney. What a load of Bull!

DCs don't work in ASC. They build dens with their friends, they watch films, build lego, do crafts, go to the park etc,

On the days when I pick my DCs up early ftom ASC, they are often gutted as they were in the middle of something fun!

Writerwannabe83 · 12/02/2017 09:13

A woman I work with has a very, very high earning husband and they live an extremely comfortable lifestyle. They have two children, one aged 7 and one aged 2 and although she doesn't need to work for financial reasons at all she still works full time over 3 days.

She told me that although she could be a SAHM it just wouldn't be enough for her.

She's a proper little homemaker (I always joke that if I was a lesbian I would want her to be my wife) but she said her job gives her some identity away from being a "mother" and she needs to feel like there is more to her life than just motherhood and maintaining a household/family etc.

In my mind I used to think "Are you crazy, why on earth would you work when you don't need to?!" but this thread has helped me understand her view point much more.

Alaia5 · 12/02/2017 09:28

NoMore - You have only been able to get that kind of balance because of your particular circumstances. You both happen to have been in jobs where flexibility was actually possible.
When I met DH he was in the British Marines. Not much flexibility there or scope for work / family balance. I could not have coped with that lifestyle which was why he changed career - only to find that running your own businesses can be all-consuming in a very different way and the reality is it takes 100 per cent commitment if you're going to pull it off. With 4 DC, if I'd been working too, it would have just been too much pressure on everyone.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/02/2017 09:30

With 4 DC, if I'd been working too, it would have just been too much pressure on everyone.

So why wasn't the job turned down if it would cause so much stress and pressure? Why are men allowed to just carry on as they like whilst the women are then expected to make sacrifices to relieve pressures?

Writerwannabe83 · 12/02/2017 09:33

alaia5 - that wasn't specifically aimed at you and your situation, but just a general question about how many SAHM set ups seem to be? Where's the 50/50 compromise where both parents do what's right for the family? It just seems like it's always the woman who has to make sacrifices to enable the men's careers to just soar.

NoMoreAngstPls · 12/02/2017 09:38

You are correct Alaia that neither of us are in the armed forces, or in other jobs where there is zero chance of flexibility etc, which has helped.

BUT, don't underestimate the sacrifices and planning. Both of us chose the jobs we have, prior to DCs, because they were family-friendlyish; we have stayed with our employers longer than we should have (career wise); and missed out on opportunities for progression/promotion.

NoMoreAngstPls · 12/02/2017 09:39

Plus, we only had 2 DCs, because we couldn't have managed with 4 ('re. Work, childcare, cost)!

Alaia5 · 12/02/2017 09:41

There was no job to turn down as such because he was starting out in business and then things just kind of snowballed from there, I suppose. In other words, it was hard to predict how it would all pan out.

harshbuttrue1980 · 12/02/2017 09:42

Its interesting how so many people think that a woman giving up her job is a "sacrifice to enable the men's careers to soar". A lot of the SAHMs that I know have decided to stay at home because they don't enjoy their job or want to have more time to do their hobbies. In a lot of cases, the man has to be convinced to take on the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner. A SAHM who has children in school has a much easier life than someone working full-time.

Alaia5 · 12/02/2017 09:46

But I have already admitted that he is an "all or nothing" workaholic type, so I don't deny that had a lot to do with it. I went in with my eyes wide open though, so no regrets. As I said earlier, life is always a compromise, but you choose where you make the compromise.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/02/2017 09:50

A SAHM who has children in school has a much easier life than someone working full-time.

Nobody is denying that

The general picture from this thread is that women give up their jobs to look after the children so the husbands can go out to earn big bucks.

If I said to my husband that I wanted to give up work so I can pursue my hobbies he'd think I'd gone crazy to even dare suggest it. Likewise as would I if he said the same to me.

Where's the partnership? If it really is about wanting to pursue hobbies and not enjoying a job why should one half of the couple be forced to finance that whilst the other just absolves themselves?

If you don't like your job then get a new one, not just stop working so you can do some hobbies whilst your husband has to work long hours to finance that choice.

I don't think women give up work because of hobbies - they give up work because they're not really left much option because their husbands are too busy working to pick up their share of family life.

Bambambini · 12/02/2017 09:51

Writer

I was never going to be a high fligher like my husband. The reality is many of us plod along doing jobs that aren't hugely satisfying or interesting or amazingly paid.

if i had had a career or job i loved or was well paid - in might have been different. I don't feel i was giving up or sacrificing that much really if I'm being honest. If i'd got together with someone who had the same job and prospects as me - i'd have no diubt gone back to work and got in with it like lots of others - possibly argue and struggle to make sure we fairly share the household and child care.

NataliaOsipova · 12/02/2017 09:53

Neither my DH nor I can have a job that involves a v long commute or lots of last minute travel. We both have an equal responsibility to work, to our DCs, to paying the bills. We have sacrificed promotions and new challenges due to this.

And that sounds like you have it all very well worked out Angst. In a way that works for you and your family. That's great.

I think DH and I are both people who see work as equalling money. Not interest, not life affirmation, not a way to a social life. And, being crass about it, we have a lot more money as a family doing it the way we do (he works and can travel at short notice, can do the hours needed without worrying about childcare etc because I'm a SAHM) than if we both worked in more family friendly jobs with more flexibility. Which way is better? Depends on you and your family. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

Writerwannabe83 · 12/02/2017 09:57

The reality is many of us plod along doing jobs that aren't hugely satisfying or interesting or amazingly paid.

I doubt you get many men saying things like this - and that's what makes me so sad. It's just the general inequality in life that irritates me as it just seems women get the shittier deal in a lot of circumstances.

I do agree with you though that job satisfaction probably also plays a large part in whether a woman chooses to give up work. I imagine women who really love their job find ways to continue doing it post children even if it does make life more difficult.

I often joke to my DH that even if we win the lottery I'd still go into work but in reality I probably still would. He on the other hand would be running to his boss with his resignation letter..

NataliaOsipova · 12/02/2017 10:00

A SAHM who has children in school has a much easier life than someone working full-time.

Agreed. But - so what? There's nothing inherently virtuous about making life hard for yourself. Victoria Beckham has an easier life than I do. I have an easier life than my friend Sue who works weekends to help to pay the mortgage when her husband can look after her kids. She has an easier life than a single mum on benefits, who in turn has an easier life than someone in a refugee camp with their kids in Syria. What's the point?

Bambambini · 12/02/2017 10:01

Ha, just caught up! No i didn't plan on being a forever SAH or gave up eork to pursue my hobbies.

We did move 1000s of miles for his job when the kids were very young, we then moved againa few years later. We then planned to move again and then just last year planned to move again. This planning can take a up lot of emotion and time. My oh is away a lot - i really don't want to hold down a job and do everything for the kids and home. I'd find it all to stressfull - and for probably a dull low paid job.

I want an easier life rather than a stressful one (goues for the oh too) with no time for me.

Bambambini · 12/02/2017 10:07

"I doubt you get many men saying things like this - and that's what makes me so sad."

You really think men are all in well paid interesting jobs which the love?

I raised the lottery point earlier. Wonder how many would continue working as they currently do if they won big.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 12/02/2017 10:08

I don't know any women who gave up their jobs to help their husbands keep theirs. I know plenty who picked a working partner so they didn't have to go out and work hard themselves.

I can't magine expecting a partner to work all day so that I didn't have to. So very unequal and shows children a poor example. I don't want boys to believe they have to be wage slaves and girls to believe they don't have to do much bar pick a man.

formerbabe · 12/02/2017 10:11

I think I'm one of those people for whom the primary reason to work is money. Obviously I worked before having children, when they are older I will work again. If I won the lottery, I'd happily never work again. I would never get bored...I can think of endless things to fill my days with whether I had children or not.

ohdarling · 12/02/2017 10:12

Yes, a SAHM mother does have day to day life easier than someone who works. Even in a school hours job, a parent still has to arrange doctor's appointments for both them and the children outside of school hours. Still has to juggle when kids are ill. Can't go to the gym, unless someone else looks after children after school or at the weekend. Can't go to the hairdresser without the children again, unless someone else looks after the children either after school or at the weekend. Has to do all the supermarket shopping either online or with children in tow. Can't spend hours during the day preparing food from scratch. Has to do all the cleaning after work/school or at the weekend. It IS easier not to work.

But as someone upthread explained, it's a risk. If you can't support yourself (or don't want to support yourself) then you might find yourself staying in a partnership/marriage that you don't like, "just for the money'' in the same way that working women have to stay in jobs they don't like. Or in the same way that some people get into the 'benefits trap'. They lose their freedom because they don't want to lose their benefits.

I have to work because we can't afford to live without my salary too, and do feel envious when I see other mums doing the school run in their gym gear (or their pyjamas for that matter), but this also affords me a freedom that at a SAHM might not have.

formerbabe · 12/02/2017 10:15

I can't magine expecting a partner to work all day so that I didn't have to

How about I can't imagine expecting a partner to stay at home all day, washing my clothes, ironing, cleaning, cooking for me, looking after our children, doing the school run, covering school holidays, shopping for food so that I didn't have to?

Writerwannabe83 · 12/02/2017 10:16

I don't know any women who gave up their jobs to help their husbands keep theirs. I know plenty who picked a working partner so they didn't have to go out and work hard themselves.

So then you look at it from the other angle: do 'high flying' men pick partners who "plod along in jobs that aren't satisfying, amazing or well paid" because they assume these women will be the sort to stay at home so they can carry on living their lives and climbing up the career ladder, knowing that they don't have to contribute to home or family life because their wife will do everything for them.

ohdarling · 12/02/2017 10:16

formerbabe, some women do all the things in your second paragraph bar the 'stay at home all day' bit.

NoMoreAngstPls · 12/02/2017 10:17

If I won the lottery, I sure as hell wouldn't do the stressful job I do now. I'd still work, but probably pt in a job I really loved, regardless of how low the salary was.
DH wouldn't stay in his job either. Not a chance! He'd probably also go pt doing a "hobby job".

Flip

1 2 ··· 31 32 33 ··· 36 37