Vindictive SIL

[Bookworm13]

If anyone can offer any advice, I would really appreciate it!

My SIL has never liked me from the beginning and goes out of her way to be bitchy and nasty.
Unfortunately, we will be seeing her next week due to a family anniversary celebration and I am dreading it!
Both me and our two kids have Northern accents and despite having very soft accents, she continuously pretends she can't understand what we're saying or does impersonations of how we talk. (They live in London.)
When I've mentioned this to my DH, he just laughs it off and says it is her sense of humour!
She has even made comments in the past like "Your children need a haircut" or "Their jeans are getting a bit short in the leg!"

She is a raving snob and talks about football being "common" as she knows my elder son is football crazy. She'd rather go to "rugger!"

She also takes the mickey out of anybody who shops in places like Farm Foods or Lidl as she is forever banging on about shopping at Waitrose....
When she's not making nasty comments, at other times she will completely blank me!
If I could get out of going to this bloody thing, I would but I know she would manipulate the whole situation and my DH would cop it from the rest of the family.
I could understand it in a way if I had done something to upset her but I haven't!
Friends have advised me to blank her back and only answer her if she talks to me.
Any advice on how to handle this vile woman would be most appreciated!

As lots of PPs have said, be VERY VERY nice to her, over the top nice. She'll know what you're doing but there won't be an effing thing she can do about it. You might actually enjoy it. Failing that, lace her wine with a lot of laxatives. As someone descended purely from a long line of Waitrose patrons (I'm nice though, ahem), I know that people who shop in Waitrose NEVER do a smelly follow through fart at Anniversary celebrations. She will be mortified, and you, and possibly the rest of the family, will never see her again.

My SIL is similar. I just go with 'really?' and a hard stare.

Mind you...I've now just refused to see her as life's too short this sort of shit. I have friends I'd like to see, why waste my free time on her?

Get drunk and spread a weird rumour about her at the family get together while she is there. I dare you. Then deny all knowledge.

By the way - GreekGod - massive kudos to you.

OP you might want to go with GreekGod's way.

Aren't people peculiar when they behave like this? Deep insecurity and unhappiness in there for some reason. More to be pitied than despised.

I do not live in the UK and people occasionally attempt to imitate my accent. I so want to say 'Ah, another graduate of the Dick Van Dyke School of Improbable Accents' but I don't because they are usually doing it because they like my accent. I pass it on for your consideration though.

Accents I know our accents aren't to your liking - you've made fun of it often enough but I'd really prefer it if you didn't behave that way to the children. Please can you refrain

Personal comments eg hair etc
Do you think so? Each to their own

attire
Do you think so? Each to their own

Any other comments directed at you
Do you think so? Each to their own

any references to 'common'
That's what we are - common people. And proud too. Regardless of whether you enjoy football or rugger, we're all still commoners aren't we?

Blanking be thankful!

Don't rise to it but don't let her put you down with her sad passive aggressiveness either.

Personally, I'd call her out. I would find an opportunity to pull her aside quietly, without making a fuss and just tell her straight:

'I've tried to be nice and accommodating over the years but life is too short. If you haven't got anything nice to say, please be quiet. Stop making fun of me, stop making fun of my your nephews, stop being negative towards me and my family, stop being so nasty. I would love for us to be friends - nothing would make me happier in this family, however as hard as I try, you make it almost impossible. And so we're clear - please be clear that I've changed. I'm not going to accept your passive aggressive behaviour any longer. If you say or do anything inappropriate or negative towards me and mine, I will point it out and I will make you own it.'

Worked a treat for me. We have a friendly courteous relationship now and even have a laugh and can enjoy each other's company. Too much happened and got said in the past for us to really be friends but she stopped her shit there and then.

Good luck

Don't talk about where you shop

If

I have a family member that is nat as bad but likes to stir the pot.

When she said something derogatory I completely change the subject. I mean completely. She will be putting down something of mine and I'll look very distracted and say, "Do you know M & S is having a huge sale??!"

She is always completely knocked off her feet and if she persist she I'll change the subject again - completely different from the first changed subject. Works wonders. After awhile she gives up!

Changing the subject is a really good one Tower

And if you can't face having a frank discussion with her, put it in a letter. put it away for a week and then redraft it - do this 2 or 3 times - get someone else to have a look (with me, usually it's my sensible, non confrontational brother) and then send it to her. Don't put anything in there that you wouldn't want someone else to see - because if she's a total bitch, she probably will show it to anyone she can.

Kill her with kindness like anothermoomin says. She will look like a complete and utter bitch 😄

dont get all this waitrose crap. all the supermarket veg starts off in the same vat of chemical spray before being put in different packaging which is why I refuse to buy it from more expensive stores.

I would go one more time, pull her up on everything then refuse to go back.

I also list on paper my triggers or trigger phrases so I'm more prepared. It's so easy to look preoccupied and come up with something batshit crazy. Questions are good too because they have to stop and think of an answer. I've been dealing with this for 20 years so I'm an old hand about it now.

I always used to answer any barbs with silence accompanied by either a disdainful look or one of resigned tolerance/confusion, followed by a swift change of subject question directed to the person standing next to her. Always got an understanding eyebrow or wink from the person I was directing my attention to but she never quite got it.... maybe I just have just gone with the cunt suggestion a pp made

The advice here is good - they do say that kindness can kill.
I think I even see biblical wisdom here:
'love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you'

(and the bit the bible misses out:) ' it drives them mad!'

She won't have the tools to deal with St. Bookworm.

To be honest, I think I'd just cause a scene back. She's a bitch so call her out on it. Bullies need to be bullied back 😡 What's the worst that can happen? You don't get invited to the next family gathering? It's very unlikely that your dh is going to leave you because you fought back. If he did then you deserve better anyway.

I can't abide bullies and killing her with kindness is just not going to work as people pussy foot about her the whole time. Remain calm but be firm.

She sounds horrid. Your best bet is to just ignore her and just enjoy yourself. It'll get on her nerves if you don't react. it sounds to me like she's insecure and jealous of you to be honest. Just take anything she says with a pinch of salt and hold your head up high. She's not worth stressing yourself out over honestly. 👍

Every time she mentions your accent. Every. Single. Time. "Oh, but you're from Essex". Every put down, "Oh, not like that in Essex".

Sounds like Essex is her weak spot, and she's actually insecure. Enjoy prodding her achilles heel.

Lots of options on this thread. Personally I'd avoid clever or witty replies and would just try and ignore her or give her the briefest and most non commital replies possible. I wouldn't be over nice.

I'd go even briefer than manmammics suggested replies. Lots of 'oh ok' 'hmm, yeah' 'I dunno'. I might be a bit more forceful if she is openly due about your accents if your kids are there as that is really out of order and might effect your kids. Otherwise I would just ignore her and avoid her.

Quite a few people have said that they think she is insecure, feels inferior to you.
You could go with this along the lines
"I wasn't sure how to respond to your rudeness towards myself and my children, so I asked advice on Mumsnet, and they pointed out how insecure and unsatisfied you must be in life. I really am so sorry you are so insecure that you have to try to belittle me and my children, have you thought about therapy to sort out your issues? "
If she makes a comment about mumsnet, tell her that women's hour on radio 4 recently used a thread in one of their features!

If she continues, tell her to back the hell off your kids or she'd find out just how northern you can be!

She'd *she'll

Have not read full thread but I would be pulling her up for using the word "Rugger" for a start. No one, but no one says "rugger", except maybe Hyacinth Bucket, she is going to get herself laughed at.

Proper posh people say rugby.

You should explain this to her to save her from mortal embarrassment, Poor love!

Crikey - come off your knees!
Tell her -" if you cannot say anything nice or positive, say nothing at all."
Nobody has to defend themselves because of their accent or choice of sporting preference. And as for criticising your child's appearance.........

The woman is clearly insecure or she wouldn't have to artificially raise herself up by standing on others.

Tell her you've noted her criticism, don't want to hear it again - ever. If she cannot see the problem, Be constructive and offer her a list of personality counsellors who are in her locality. Don't rely on your partner to stand up for you and yours .......do it yourself.

The bible does say that Goldilox :-)

Proverbs 25:21-23 says:

If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat;
if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.
22 In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head,
and the Lord will reward you.
23 Like a north wind that brings unexpected rain
is a sly tongue – which provokes a horrified look.

And it's then quoted in the New Testament in Romans 12:17-21

I wouldn't do the getting tipsy part as you might say or do something you regret. I do agree with the being polite and kind. When she says about shopping in Waitrose, just smile and say ''how nice'' When she says ''you shop in Lidl and Farmfood'' just say ''yes I do'' with a smile. You don't need her opinion to validate you. So keep her wondering and go and enjoy.

Re hair cuts you could just say ''it's the latest style'' and smile. Leave her with no where to go with what you say. Take a deep breath before you answer her, always with a smile.

Don't ignore her: go out of your way to be as pleasant as possible. You could even add in ''oh my husband is so right. You do love a good joke'' and the like

As someone else has said I don't know anyone that says rugger anymore, most definitely rugby! I have to confess I prefer rugby but if I was lucky enough to have a nephew who loved his football I would be in there supporting him and taking an interest in it.

She sounds incredibly insecure and a total social climber. Raving about Waitrose, is that all she has to talk about?! You could come back with 'Yes I suppose Waitrose is nice but our local farm shop is so much better and I couldn't do without my weekly organic veg box......' if that is to over the top then say 'oh but surely you go to Whole Foods instead of Waitrose?' That should wipe the smile of her face.

As for putting down your children, unforgivable, I would kill her with kindness on everything else but give her two barrels about being rude to the children.

You are so much better than her, if she is trying to make out she is superior imagine she is standing there naked or as a baby! Hopefully it might make you giggle and put her off her stride. I hope you don't have to resort to you pills and it isn't too dreadful