Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vindictive SIL

199 replies

Bookworm13 · 05/02/2017 15:42

If anyone can offer any advice, I would really appreciate it!

My SIL has never liked me from the beginning and goes out of her way to be bitchy and nasty.
Unfortunately, we will be seeing her next week due to a family anniversary celebration and I am dreading it!
Both me and our two kids have Northern accents and despite having very soft accents, she continuously pretends she can't understand what we're saying or does impersonations of how we talk. (They live in London.)
When I've mentioned this to my DH, he just laughs it off and says it is her sense of humour!
She has even made comments in the past like "Your children need a haircut" or "Their jeans are getting a bit short in the leg!"

She is a raving snob and talks about football being "common" as she knows my elder son is football crazy. She'd rather go to "rugger!"

She also takes the mickey out of anybody who shops in places like Farm Foods or Lidl as she is forever banging on about shopping at Waitrose....
When she's not making nasty comments, at other times she will completely blank me!
If I could get out of going to this bloody thing, I would but I know she would manipulate the whole situation and my DH would cop it from the rest of the family.
I could understand it in a way if I had done something to upset her but I haven't!
Friends have advised me to blank her back and only answer her if she talks to me.
Any advice on how to handle this vile woman would be most appreciated!

OP posts:
SilentlyScreamingAgain · 05/02/2017 16:50

Are your kind old enough to teach them to to pop 'alright, blimey, geezer' on the end of their sentences when chatting to her, she might be a bit more comfortable if they make efforts at the local accent?

If that doesn't go down well, you could move on to London music hall classics like 'Any Old Iron' and 'My Old Man's A Dustman'.

She's a snob, effect to hear no difference between her accent and cockney/ estuary and she'll drop the accent stuff very quickly.

Iamastonished · 05/02/2017 16:51

Or the queen Grin

lalalalyra · 05/02/2017 16:52

I'd play her at her own game.

"I find it very difficult to understand accents sometimes, don't you SIL?" She'll probably say no just to be the opposite to you, which means she'll either have to a) not pretend she can't understand you or b) give you the chance to joke about her suddenly becoming incapable of understanding.

Swipe the rug from under her by mentioning getting your free Waitrose coffee whilst in last week.

Either that or play silent bingo. I do this with one of DH's relatives. I reward myself with a biscuit if I can turn the conversation to her bitching about her friends. And extra slice of cake if I can nudge her toward slagging off the school she pays a fortune for her kids to attend. Wine when I get home if it's steered in a certain direction which shows her for the racist, snobby cow that she is. She's expecting me to be getting irate yet I'm actually sitting there hoping she does it so I win.

Cherrysoup · 05/02/2017 16:52

I'd be calling her up on it in no uncertain terms. The first comment I'd give her, no response. Second comment would be met with a 'Why do you feel the need to be such a fucking bitch to me and my DC EVERY time we meet up?' Nice and loud so your mil and DH hear. Any of her nonsense running out crying would be met with shrugged shoulders and a repeat of how every time she speaks to you it's to be poisonous and a bitch and you're sick of it. Why be passive aggressive and keep sucking it up?

I would absolutely not be polite when she is continuously nasty, particularly when it's the children she's rude to/about.

Original poster
Bookworm13 · 05/02/2017 16:54

I completely understand the comments about my DH being spineless etc.

We have been married for 19 years and in that time, I have seen what she is capable of. Even her own Mother is frightened of her verbal abuse and gives into her, just for a quiet life.

I think it has got to the stage where I expect her to be a total cow and my Husband has got so used to her being like that, he has become almost immune to it.

The way she speaks to her Husband as well, has got to be seen to be believed. Most people wouldn't talk to their own dog the way she speaks to him!

OP posts:
WicksEnd · 05/02/2017 16:54

If she claims not to have understood you, say 'I called you a Cunt, did you hear me that time?'

Jenbob13 · 05/02/2017 16:54

Im not known for my tact in the face of idiocy and rudeness so my response would probably be something a long the lines "just fuck off you intolerable woman. Just. Fuck. Off."
Might start a huge family feud but the look on her face and the satisfaction you would get might make up for the next 40 years of arguments?

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2017 16:54

As she is excused by being "funny" have you thought about mentioning comedians from London and saying that are from essex?

As in "You are so funny, like Rob Becket/Mickey Flanagan/Russel Kane, so many funny people from essex"

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2017 16:56

Bookworm13

Reading your most recent post, as she is verbally abusive, I would just avoid as much as possible.

She enters the room, you leave the room.

Billben · 05/02/2017 16:58

I god honestly don't know how your friends/family/DH let her get away with it. Shame on them. I sure as hell wouldn't put up with somebody I care about being treated this way without pulling the person up on it.

DolomphiousDuck · 05/02/2017 17:00

She's clearly very threatened by you and feeling insecure. Rise above it. She's already telling you that she thinks you're far superior to her.

FurryLittleTwerp · 05/02/2017 17:01

She's a nasty bully. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut & would have a go back just to see her running away in tears & sod the consequences.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 05/02/2017 17:01

Boney - I get that. But it doesn't sound as if that is the dynamic here. It's frustrating to read that, by the sounds of it, OP's DH hasn't even tried to defend his wife and children against her bullying.

Birthdaypartyangstiness · 05/02/2017 17:02

I see where people are coming from with the killing with kindness approach, but it's not for me. It's just more manipulation and doesn't set a good example for children. I prefer to set an example of being polite but honest and direct...and hopefully my children will also learn to do the same.

E.g.
SIL: mimicking accents, generally mocking
ME: "you are very good at mimicry SIL, but that's not a good example for the children who we are teaching to respect the differences they come across in others they meet" and to the children: "isnt Aunty loudmouthed-cow good at impressions? But we don't do that do we? Doing impressions is another way of making fun of people isn't it?" I might go so far as to point out it's the sort of behaviour bullies engage in, depending how full on she'd been about it.

The compliment on the impression is the kindest she'd get from me. But then I'm Scottish, raising Scottish children in a largely English family and have a zero tolerance policy on Jock jokes.

I really do think that once you have children you have to be careful about what behaviour they observe you accepting (or even playing along with).

SundialShadow · 05/02/2017 17:02

When people make stupid dumb unfunny jokes at the expense of other people, I use a tactic taught to me by my Mum....

"I can't understand your funny accent..."

"Sorry, can you repeat that...."

"I .... CAN'T ....UNDERSTAND...."

No need to shout love, I am here in front of you.

"Silence"

Now what was it you said again?

"I...I....."

Cat got your tongue? Nevermind, I am sure if it was importaint you would remember (best smile)

It takes a will of iron on to walk to contiue in a conversation with someone who is being as infuriatingly obtuse as this. Just lead her in whatever direction she does not want to go.

Pretend not to hear, not to understand, get her to repeat endlessly, repeat what she said using the wrong words, the more naughty the better as it gives you something to concentrate on ("the skids need a whole slut???!") ("you shop somewhere called hate grows??!")

littlebunnyhophophop · 05/02/2017 17:03

2 words to her 'fuck off' simple but effective nobody bothers annoying me now Grin

diddl · 05/02/2017 17:06

" Even her own Mother is frightened of her verbal abuse and gives into her, just for a quiet life." Hmm

What have you got to lose by calling her out on it, Op?

Seems like others are willing to let it go as long as they aren't the ones in the firing line.

Really, how can a whole family kowtow to one person?

Are they afraid that she would cut contact??!!

Original poster
Bookworm13 · 05/02/2017 17:09

I've also had snidey remarks about "not going to uni." (I went to college.)

That was a lovely comment about her feeling inferior to me - thank you! I always get the impression she thinks my DH married "beneath" him....

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 05/02/2017 17:11

Can you get some photos on your phone of DH and DCs in their flat caps with your new whippet? A pic of the street party you had when electricity reached your town; the new INSIDE LOO !!! Grin

BewtySkoolDropowt · 05/02/2017 17:11

Oh gosh, sil, how.. Brave of you to wear that. Not everyone would feel at ease wearing something so (sensible/bold/colourful/pink/casual/last year/red with your skin tone/young).

Rainydayspending · 05/02/2017 17:13

If you're going the wond her up route talk about her being from essex and having that accent etc. She's insecure though, she's going to develop a grudge still. Funny when a snob becomes obsessed with belittling someone. It really airs their vacuous priorities to all and sundry. Don't get dragged in though. Remember your priorities and let her make all the dick moves.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 05/02/2017 17:15

Oh the snidey going to Uni comments -

Well it's interesting you should say that. Kellyanne Conway has two degrees, proving that the ability to pass exams does not necessarily demonstrate intelligence."

paddypants13 · 05/02/2017 17:18

I think I would say something along the lines of:

"Still trotting out the old accent joke, eh SIL? I thought you'd have come up with something more original by now."

For the rest of the comments I'd do what was suggested and either say wow or just blank her and walk away.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 05/02/2017 17:18

Ok, so I'm Northern, and people think it's ok to take the mickey. Gives me the rage. If she is treating her DH like this, he's either frightened, or as my dsis would say, maybe she has a snap-on fanny. I wouldn't be so vulgar...GrinI might make a crack about our whippets, pigeons and go in wearing a flat cap. Like yours, my accent really isn't strong, having lived much further south for the past 30 years. As others have said, "Really" or Wow are good responses. It's like when people are sarcastic. I treat it as if they are being serious, so in the end they have to back-track or admit they are being sarcastic...

Olympiathequeen · 05/02/2017 17:20

Just look at her and smile sweetly. Say quietly 'have you put on weight?' Nod and smile no matter what her reply and to the onlooking family it will look like she is snarling at you while you are looking super nice. End the conversation and walk away. Don't give her the opportunity to say more, just go.

If she returns for round 2 have a set of remarks ready..... your hair looks so dry, have you tried xyz conditioner, does wonders for thinning hair..... etc. Do not respond to any nasty remarks. Total blank, semi smile and walk ...

Passive aggressive wins every day.