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Original poster

Vindictive SIL

199 replies

Bookworm13 · 05/02/2017 15:42

If anyone can offer any advice, I would really appreciate it!

My SIL has never liked me from the beginning and goes out of her way to be bitchy and nasty.
Unfortunately, we will be seeing her next week due to a family anniversary celebration and I am dreading it!
Both me and our two kids have Northern accents and despite having very soft accents, she continuously pretends she can't understand what we're saying or does impersonations of how we talk. (They live in London.)
When I've mentioned this to my DH, he just laughs it off and says it is her sense of humour!
She has even made comments in the past like "Your children need a haircut" or "Their jeans are getting a bit short in the leg!"

She is a raving snob and talks about football being "common" as she knows my elder son is football crazy. She'd rather go to "rugger!"

She also takes the mickey out of anybody who shops in places like Farm Foods or Lidl as she is forever banging on about shopping at Waitrose....
When she's not making nasty comments, at other times she will completely blank me!
If I could get out of going to this bloody thing, I would but I know she would manipulate the whole situation and my DH would cop it from the rest of the family.
I could understand it in a way if I had done something to upset her but I haven't!
Friends have advised me to blank her back and only answer her if she talks to me.
Any advice on how to handle this vile woman would be most appreciated!

OP posts:
lazarusb · 05/02/2017 16:25

I would take a notebook and if she says she can't understand you, write down your answer in capital letters. Or say 'oh do fuck off dear' quietly. Bet you she'll bot hear and understand that.

I love accents too - I grew up with a Geordie granddad and a French grandmother Smile

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/02/2017 16:25

Yeah, actually "Really?" "Wow!" and "Cool story bro" should cover it. Pitying looks and tinkly little laughs are optional. Have a little challenge with yourself that you won't say anything else to her.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2017 16:25

Where is she from?

Turnabout is fair play

chocolateworshipper · 05/02/2017 16:25

If she says she can't understand you, say in a sickly sweet voice "oh dear, I had no idea your hearing was going, you poor thing" and pat her sympathetically on the arm.

You could also try playing "insult Bingo" - write down her usual insults on a Bingo card. Every time she insults you / your DCs, show no reaction and say nothing - just put a cross on the relevant square. Once all have been crossed out, shout "Bingo!" at the top of your voice, give her a big hug, say "thank you" to her, and excitedly tell everyone else that you've won and demand your prize.

Qwerty111 · 05/02/2017 16:26

Agree with the kill her with kindness suggestion (with the occasional "wow" if she says anything that particularly shows herself up that you'd like the group to observe).

Next time she "can't" understand your accent pretend you think she's losing her hearing. Repeat slowly and clearly, tell the children to face aunty when talking to her "because sometimes people start to lose their hearing and they struggle to hear in crowds". Tell her about the free hearing tests in Boots Opticians and how important it is to get your hearing checked regularly. Bet she hears you next time evil cackle

Serialweightwatcher · 05/02/2017 16:27

She sounds like a nasty cow - she makes an arse of herself by the sound of it ... just smile sweetly, be civil through gritted teeth and be saying rather loudly in your head "eff off bitch", just don't let it out by accident Grin Rise above basically - life is full of twats, just let them show others what they are, and believe me they do!

Joanna0685 · 05/02/2017 16:27

compliment her sensible shoes

StickyMouse · 05/02/2017 16:29

Bookworm maybe she reminded tourist of princess Anne?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2017 16:30

I would stay well away from your DHs sister from now on and keep your children well away from her as well. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, his sister is no different. If she cannot and will not behave then you do not see her end of. Do not keep subjecting the children to this either from her, it also does them no good to see you as their parents being so disrespected. Their dad is certainly not able to protect them from his sister's barbs and his own inertia here is simply hurting him as well as them.

Am not surprised your DH avoids confrontation, he will come off far worse and he has been conditioned by his family of origin not to say anything.

You need to further strengthen your boundaries here re this individual and for that matter your inlaws as well. They have also played a huge role in this overall dysfunctional dynamic.

This in your DHs family of origin goes back years to their childhoods most likely and most certainly predates you. It is not your fault his sister is like this, you did not make her this way.

FrozeninSummer · 05/02/2017 16:30

Would love to do chocolate's suggestion. She sounds deeply insecure if she ended up crying when someone gave it back to her - I'd feel sorry for her. She sounds like a right knob, poor you OP.

JustSpeakSense · 05/02/2017 16:31

I would try to steer clear if her as much as possible, avoid being seated near her at events, try and not get into conversations with her, don't allow yourself to be in a room alive with her.

Don't start conversations or prolong conversations with her by engaging too much or asking her questions. Be polite and friendly, but at the same time distant and a bit aloof.

If she starts mocking your accents I'd laugh and say 'ohhh we were discussing how good you are at accents, and wondered how long it would take you this time before you imitated us, I guessed you'd wait until desserts were served at least'

If she starts banging on about Waitrose or whatever, just nod and smile and appear slightly bored (don't defend lidle or Asda) 'I have a friend who shops at Waitrose too' then wander off in search of another conversation

In short, act as if she bores you, but humour her in a friendly yet slightly vague way.

JustSpeakSense · 05/02/2017 16:32

*alone (not alive) Wink

OfaFrenchmind2 · 05/02/2017 16:32

I had a colleague that used to make fun of my very strong french accent. Normally I am a good sport about it, because it is indeed very strong and because I actually like the people that do it, and it is not mean spirited. For the one I did not like, I used to ask them if he knew about the wild lands beyond London, inhabited by fairies, trolls elves and strange humans, who could not believe that London was not the centre of the world. Maybe he would like to visit them and educate them about the right way to live, speak (and for you, shop).

Original poster
Bookworm13 · 05/02/2017 16:34

LOl! I have just been laughing so much at some of these great comebacks - believe me, I am taking notes and these will be put into use!

She has a nasty tongue on her (as you probably guessed) and yes, some of the family let her off with it, because of that.

She was really annoyed recently, as her son who is away at uni, got friendly with another boy from an affluent family.

Apparently, this kid went to Eton and the family had a holiday home in Gstaad.. She nearly wet herself with excitement on hearing this and my nephew was under strict instructions to stay friendly with him.

She was planning to invite them over/was inviting herself to Gstaad etc - the boy threw in the towel after a month and left the course!

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/02/2017 16:35

Fwiw my northern children and my Welsh parents (English speaking) genuinely can't understand each other most of the time. There's a lot of baffled and desperate smiling, non committal "Hmm ing" and frantic requests for me to translate when the other party goes out of the room.

No one is ever rude.

Liiinoo · 05/02/2017 16:35

You could actually have some fun with this. When you speak to her (as seldom as possible), speak very slowly and clearly as if she is a little slow witted. Check at the end -' did you get that SIL "I know you have problems with accents.' If DC speak directly to her, remind them 'Speak a little slower dear, you know your aunt finds it hard to understand people who don't talk like her'.

Play up to her snobbery, tease her 'I expect you think we keep coal in the bath don't you DSIL'.

And if she makes disparaging or unwanted comments become selectively deaf and talk to someone else.

WindwardCircle · 05/02/2017 16:37

I find just saying "okay" can work well, completely non committal. You could also try the slightly patronising "oh you're so funny" or "oh you and you're funny little ways".

Original poster
Bookworm13 · 05/02/2017 16:38

...We keep coal in the bath....Lol! That's another one I'm using!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookworm13 · 05/02/2017 16:41

What makes me laugh is she was actually born in Essex but if you mention that, she goes nuts!

She has no Essex trace to her voice at all (I suspect elocution lessons) and speaks as if she has a mouthful of marbles.

OP posts:
MrDacresEUSubsidy · 05/02/2017 16:43

I think you need to have a word with your H. Why is he trying to defend her behaviour? It's bad enough that he is standing by passively whilst she insults you, but to do nothing whilst she takes the piss out of his children? WTF is wrong with him? Why does he think it's OK for you and the DC to have to stand there and be mocked for your accents? Hmm

I would be very upset in your shoes - but with your H, for being a spineless bloody arse. There is no way I would stand by and watch a member of my family be rude to my DH without pulling them up on it.

jamdonut · 05/02/2017 16:44

Look baffled and ask her to repeat something she said, then go" ohhhh! That's what you said! I just couldn't understand your accent! " Then say something like " ooh that lost something in the translation!" And smile and walk away.😀

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/02/2017 16:44

Just how northern are you? I'd be training my kids to really be unintelligible along the lines of "Eh up Auntie Bitchy, Ah'm fair klempt, hast tha geet jackbit?"

Celaena · 05/02/2017 16:45

Maybe the tourist thought she was prince Charles? GrinGrin

YouTheCat · 05/02/2017 16:48

I think a raised eyebrow and a 'really?', possibly then turning your back on her might be the way to go.

I know it'd be the big thing to kill her with kindness but who could be arsed?

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2017 16:48

MrDacresEUSubsidy*
I think you need to have a word with your H. Why is he trying to defend her behaviour? It's bad enough that he is standing by passively whilst she insults you, but to do nothing whilst she takes the piss out of his children? WTF is wrong with him? Why does he think it's OK for you and the DC to have to stand there and be mocked for your accents?

There is scapegoat/goldenchild, then add FOG in for an added measure.