Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vindictive SIL

199 replies

Bookworm13 · 05/02/2017 15:42

If anyone can offer any advice, I would really appreciate it!

My SIL has never liked me from the beginning and goes out of her way to be bitchy and nasty.
Unfortunately, we will be seeing her next week due to a family anniversary celebration and I am dreading it!
Both me and our two kids have Northern accents and despite having very soft accents, she continuously pretends she can't understand what we're saying or does impersonations of how we talk. (They live in London.)
When I've mentioned this to my DH, he just laughs it off and says it is her sense of humour!
She has even made comments in the past like "Your children need a haircut" or "Their jeans are getting a bit short in the leg!"

She is a raving snob and talks about football being "common" as she knows my elder son is football crazy. She'd rather go to "rugger!"

She also takes the mickey out of anybody who shops in places like Farm Foods or Lidl as she is forever banging on about shopping at Waitrose....
When she's not making nasty comments, at other times she will completely blank me!
If I could get out of going to this bloody thing, I would but I know she would manipulate the whole situation and my DH would cop it from the rest of the family.
I could understand it in a way if I had done something to upset her but I haven't!
Friends have advised me to blank her back and only answer her if she talks to me.
Any advice on how to handle this vile woman would be most appreciated!

OP posts:
Flisstizzy · 05/02/2017 17:20

Don't stop mentioning Essex, get it in as many times, with as many stereotypes as you can muster Grin give her a taste of her own medicine.
Or use that good old mumsnet fave 'did you mean to be so rude?'

Original poster
Bookworm13 · 05/02/2017 17:20

Whippets, ferrets, flat caps - brilliant!

OP posts:
Olympiathequeen · 05/02/2017 17:22

dont bother with the one upmanship. She will always outdo you. Just go for the PA insults.

IneedmoreLemonPledge · 05/02/2017 17:26

Op, when she starts mimicking your accents, just stop, look blank, let confusion wash over your brow, then a look of realisation and joy....

"ah....I was trying to work out what that was then....I get it...yes, brilliant!!! You're making fun of my children's accents....I get it. Darling, darling, come here a minute and listen to this...your sister is making fun of the kids accents. Ha ha ha...go on, do it again, do it again for your brother to see....!

Clap you hands excitedly all the way through.

then follow her into the toilet, lock the door and whisper gently in her ear to keep looking over her shoulder in Waitrose as otherwise things are going to get "reet fooking dark" if she doesn't stop all her nasty shit.

MsPavlichenko · 05/02/2017 17:27

I am lucky enough not to haveany real experience of this type of behaviour/family other than one person in my XH's.

I can't understand why you want to allow your DC to be exposed to this type of offensive bullying. If you were of different ethnicity/colour would you accept what would be racist mocking of your accents, culture etc. And if not why put up with this. It must be awful for your kids to hear, not to mention suggesting that this type of family dynamic is normal. I honestly think you should consider not seeing her. If there are consequences for your DH so be it. Not your responsibility, and he is showing no concern for the consequences of her behaviour on you and DC.

MrsBlennerhassett · 05/02/2017 17:29

im with the PPs who suggested passive aggressive niceness. Compliment her loads in a really sincere tone so that if she gets upset anyone watching would think she were crazy but really both you and her know that you are being sarcastic. If she mentions waitrose get really enthusiastic asking all about it and what its like... ask if shes seen royalty in there before and does she think thats where Diana shopped? Again all in a really sincere tone. Just enjoy yourself. She deserves it.

CherrySkull · 05/02/2017 17:30

i had this with my SIL, fucking bitch, glad he divorced her quite frankly. There's one of my DH's sister who's a proper cowbag too.

My advice is to talk to your DH, it no good him brushing you off with 'she's just trying to be funny' because its only 'funny' if both parties think it is, otherwise its bullying.

Say to him quite clearly "I don't care what she thinks, or what excuses you are making. I don't find it funny and she is ruining the occasion because i don't feel welcome when she is constantly belittling me and our children with her rude remarks."

Then when you see her, give her the silent treatment, or the sarcastic "Oh really" and "Thats nice" and please don't forget the "Did you mean that to sound so rude?"

pocketsaviour · 05/02/2017 17:32

Why not just call her a cunt and have done with? You'll never have to go to any of these occasions again, major result.

Alternatively, keep feeding one of your children something and then bribe them to vomit on her.

user1473069303 · 05/02/2017 17:33

She sounds insecure. Remind her that the truly classy people don't give a shit and also that class is about how one behaves, not where one shops, etc. Or laugh at her and bellow "bouquuuueeet residence, lady of the house speaking!" next time she says something stupid.

NomNomTom · 05/02/2017 17:36

Really? She gets excited by Waitrose? It is a supermarket. It has tins of baked beans, ready-made pizzas, and loo roll, just like any other supermarket. It comes with free toilets and free coffee and magazines, so cheapskates like me like it.
Something tells me this snobby SiL is not exactly top drawer, so to speak.

AshesandDust · 05/02/2017 17:40

Perhaps get the DC to call her auntie zxy from Essex - because they're in to geography at the moment. Grin

RandomMess · 05/02/2017 17:43

"Gosh SIL I can't believe that you are still so ignorant you can't bother to try and understand other peoples accents" smile & head tilt...

Although killing her with kindness is def the way to go!

SemiNormal · 05/02/2017 17:45

Thanks Trying2bgd - When she does that bloody accent thing, I can feel my temper rising - especially when she takes the mickey out of our two kids.

'OMG SIL you are sooooo funny, I will never ever tire of you attempting to do my accent, come over here and listen to SIL do my accent, it really is the funniest thing ever!'

stoopido · 05/02/2017 17:47

I wouldn't stand for it. I would mirror her personality give her a taste of her own medicine and I would definitely call her out regarding how rude she is about your the accent. However, by now I would have expected my husband to have said something to her about it all.

Olympiathequeen · 05/02/2017 17:47

Or when she pretends not to understand you. Smile and ask her to repeat what she said a little slowly as you didn't quite catch that. Ask her is her accent is estuary Essex and say you're not quite sure what it is but she sounds possibly like it? Smile sweetly all the while

KickAssAngel · 05/02/2017 17:47

I would avoid as much as possible, and def. encourage the kids to go elsewhere (another room if possible) to avoid her. Depending how old they are you may need to have a conversation about how not everyone is nice, but you don't want to upset other people, so you're just avoiding her.

Sadly, if the rest of the family just gives in to her, you will probably find yourself on your own if you try any way to stand up to her. I have a MIL who is truly horrendous and every time I tried any kind of even very mild rebuke/joke/comeback it always came back to me. She remembers every comment, and pays it back with interest.

Your DH has probably been told all his life that she's just joking, or not to upset her. It will have been drummed into him since pre-school, so he may be able to have a conversation about her, but not be able to say a thing to her.

But you might want the phrase 'all fur coat and no knickers' running through your head when you talk to her. Just to keep that smile on your face.

Original poster
Bookworm13 · 05/02/2017 17:54

Your DH has probably been told all his life that she's just joking, or not to upset her. It will have been drummed into him since pre-school, so he may be able to have a conversation about her, but not be able to say a thing to her. - Couldn't have put it better myself! That is it exactly!

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 05/02/2017 18:03

Re. waitrose tell her you love all the 'overheard in Waitrose' stuff and give her some examples. My real example (genuinely overheard!) was a preteen telling her mother in dramatic tones that she would 'simply collapse' if she wasn't given some chocolate.

ADishBestEatenCold · 05/02/2017 18:06

"Next time she "can't" understand your accent pretend you think she's losing her hearing. Repeat slowly and clearly, tell the children to face aunty when talking to her "because sometimes people start to lose their hearing and they struggle to hear in crowds". Tell her about the free hearing tests in Boots Opticians and how important it is to get your hearing checked regularly. Bet she hears you next time evil cackle"

As someone who has had a neurological hearing problem since infancy, I do have to admit that I have a problem with others using deafness as an insult or put-down.

On the other hand, I love this

v v v
If she claims not to have understood you, say 'I called you a Cunt, did you hear me that time?' Grin

Twistmeandturnme · 05/02/2017 18:08

This is actually one of those times where the classic MN head tilt and 'did you mean to be so rude?' would work, if you use it every time she says something mean-spirited.

Craicvac · 05/02/2017 18:16

I had a sister in law just like that... So glad my brother is now getting divorced! I love the Mrs Bucket idea, just the right side of 'joking back'.... I'm almost sorry I won't get to use it now!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 05/02/2017 18:25

Bookworm. If it hasn't already been said, have you heard about Flying Monkeys? Sounds like the rest of the family are Flying Monkies for sil...

Jengnr · 05/02/2017 18:25

Get the kids to start saying stuff like 'ream'. Then when she starts on not understanding you say 'Oh bugger, you always say you can't understand us so we've been watching no end of TOWIE and practising so you would. Bah!'

HighwayDragon1 · 05/02/2017 18:26

Oh.

Ok.

Mmm.

Use all these with gay abandon. So 'your son needs a haircut' "oh." End of conversation. Also practice your passive aggressive eyebrow raise in the mirror, or the teacher look.

Busybusybust · 05/02/2017 18:28

I have firsthand experience of a SIL just like this! I eventually learned how to deal very effectively with her. Just wish I'd learned 20 years earlier. This is based In her insecurity and/or jealousy of you. Maybe she recognises that you are better looking, happier, but most likely have a happier marriage then her.

When she makes her 'little jokey remarks' just put you head slightly to one side, raise your eye brows briefly, and say something very non-committal like 'really, well, we'll agree to differ on that one', and ' I do know you understand me, why are you pretending you don't' with a mystified air.

You must treat her as if she is a rather wayward child. Never raise your voice. Practice your inner Joyce Grenfell. Patronise her! That will piss her off big time.

Actually the last time I did this with my horrendous SIL, she became so enraged that she attacked me - well started throwing stuff at me (as she was standing next to the Welsh Dresser, there was plenty to throw. I had her arrested. Never saw her again...........RESULT! (But she was very drunk at the time - I wasn't).

Don't put up with it! Just be careful how you get the better of her! If you're clever, you can do it!