Vindictive SIL

[Bookworm13]

If anyone can offer any advice, I would really appreciate it!

My SIL has never liked me from the beginning and goes out of her way to be bitchy and nasty.
Unfortunately, we will be seeing her next week due to a family anniversary celebration and I am dreading it!
Both me and our two kids have Northern accents and despite having very soft accents, she continuously pretends she can't understand what we're saying or does impersonations of how we talk. (They live in London.)
When I've mentioned this to my DH, he just laughs it off and says it is her sense of humour!
She has even made comments in the past like "Your children need a haircut" or "Their jeans are getting a bit short in the leg!"

She is a raving snob and talks about football being "common" as she knows my elder son is football crazy. She'd rather go to "rugger!"

She also takes the mickey out of anybody who shops in places like Farm Foods or Lidl as she is forever banging on about shopping at Waitrose....
When she's not making nasty comments, at other times she will completely blank me!
If I could get out of going to this bloody thing, I would but I know she would manipulate the whole situation and my DH would cop it from the rest of the family.
I could understand it in a way if I had done something to upset her but I haven't!
Friends have advised me to blank her back and only answer her if she talks to me.
Any advice on how to handle this vile woman would be most appreciated!

When she make one of her comments, put your hand on her look her in the eye and say 'its okay, I understand you're saying these things because you're insecure. I just want you to know we all understand' and gesture around the room.

She'll be mortified and avoid you like the plague

Be nice to her. The nicer you are the worse she looks. Smile, be kind, defend her when she behaves badly

This. And silently remind yourself that her particular type of snobbery is not only nasty but, ironically, seen as very common by those who are genuinely not common.

(By the way, I'm a middle-class commoner myself, but have known enough not-common people to note and enjoy this irony!)

I think the worst thing about this is your husband pooh-poohing you. You'd be much more able to deal with her if you knew he understood and validated your feelings. Then the two of you could go, and be polite and tolerant with her, and then later, in private, debrief and find the humor in the absurdity of someone going to such lengths. It sounds like right now you're in it alone, and when you try to say why you're upset, your husband just brushes it off.

Your best strategy, if you really want to honor your husband's need to stay in contact with his dysfunctional family, is to focus on rehabilitating HIM so that he can honor your need to have your feelings heard and respected. Neither of you has to change outwardly as far as interacting with the family goes, but you deserve to have an emotional ally.

Your biggest problem here is your husband's refusal to stand up for his wife and children. I'd straight out ask him why he's happy for his children to be bullied by his sister? His attitude that that is basically the way she is, is unacceptable.

I would refuse to attend any more gatherings (DC too) that SIL is present at until she is reined in and your husband mans up and tells her to can it. If the family bitch and moan that you're not there then too bad - not seeing you and the DC is the price they pay for pandering to SIL all these years.

SIL gets a buzz out of putting you down, she enjoys your pain/discomfort
the only way you can win is to somehow switch off your anxiety/stressed response and treat it as a game where you try to win by wounding her.

I would just cut her out of my life, why should you have to soak up that stupid shit.
Or if you enjoy a fight hit back hard next time she uses you as a verbal punchbag

Nod and smile and look as if you know she is being a wagon butility say nothing other than being polite. She will soon get bored and others will see how goady she is.

YANBU, I am Northern, and despite going to private school and university, I have never lost my northern twang ... and I have no intention to either! Yes it is a lot softer than it used to be, but that is more from the 10 years I spent abroad teaching English to children, so I learnt to speak slowly, clearly and enunciate properly for their educational benefit, not because I was actively trying to lose my accent. My flatmate always used to comment that he knew whenever I was calling home because my accent would come back really heavy and my speech would speed up tenfold

As for your SIL, kill her with kindness and sweet passive agression ... if she calls you on it you can just act shocked that she has misunderstood you and she's the one who comes out looking bad, not you.

Both me and our two kids have Northern accents and despite having very soft accents, she continuously pretends she can't understand what we're saying or does impersonations of how we talk.

"Oh, SIL is that how you hear us speaking? That's nothing like how we speak, and since you've mentioned this before I'm concerned that you may have some issues with your hearing that is distorting our speech, I really think you need to see a doctor to check it's not serious." ... then if she does it again at further gatherings "Oh, SIL have you not been to see the doctor about that hearing issue yet, because you're still having the same issue and I'm concerned that it could be getting worse!"

"Your children need a haircut"
How kind of you to take an interest! It has been a while since their last cut, but they love their style and they're happy with it, why would we make them cut it?

"Their jeans are getting a bit short in the leg!"
Oh, yes they are, but these children will keep growing, it's so hard to keep up when their lives are so full of fulfilling and rewarding activities, who's got time to spend hours just shopping?

She is a raving snob and talks about football being "common" as she knows my elder son is football crazy. She'd rather go to "rugger!"

Yes, I suppose it is rather a common sport, being played in almost every country in the world but I'll just be happy as long as he's not an Aston Villa fan like Prince William or an Arsenal fan like Prince Harry, they're such common teams with such common fans, don't you think?

I had a similar issue with my SIL. Im from north of Scotland (although lived in England for over a decade) and she used to pretend she couldn't understand me when I talk and repeats what I said in a dreadful "shrek" accent.

I tried the killing with kindness thing but I got a much better result out of challenging back... bullies are bullies whether they are on the playground on sitting at your dining room table and I honestly think by standing up to her it made a big difference.

I can't even remember what caused the snap but I just remember that every time she'd make fun of my accent I'd start to speak very slowly to her, and explain that I'd use small words to make it easier to understand.... (really bitchy looking back)

Not the best way to become best friends but I think if it's someone you'll be dealing with for the rest of your life then you need to show what is acceptable and what isn't...

Id lose all respect for a partner who couldn't stand up for his wife and especially his kids! What a horrid father he is!

Can you not just simply refuse to go?
'No. I'm not going. The kids aren't going either because SIL is nasty about them and it isn't funny. She isn't funny, she's batshit and a bullying snob.'

I had it the other way round. I moved to the North. MIL would mock my accent for years: 'Baaarrrrrth??? (Tinkly laugh) it's BATH'. Now dd has a northern accent MIL crows over it as some sort of triumph. Dd did say bath and grass the way I did until MIL put some serious work into her. I just refused to rise and said 'we don't mock accents in this house. Everybody comes from somewhere' and refuse to rise.

What isn't helping either, is that I suffer with anxiety and am currently on 75mg of the AD Venlafaxine!
She doesn't help!
I woke up this morning (Monday) thinking about our impending trip on Friday and had a few anxious pins and needles in my right hand for about ten mins.
I am currently having some Camomile tea to try and relax - any other suggestions for coping with that cow would be so welcome! You are all great! X

...By the way, my GP gave me a supply of Diazepam but I'm trying not to take them unless I really have to.
The last D I took, was at the end of November - but I think I will take them away with me, just in case!

She definitely sounds like the trashy one with no class. I find the English snobbery about accents so ridiculous!

Anyone who is making fun of someone for being more "lower class" than them is definitely insecure themselves.

Sorry you have to deal with her. Maybe just ignore her altogether or say "if you don't have nothing nice to say, don't speak to me at all please!"

Be nice, really nice. It is the best way to get to people like that, they hate it.

I feel your pain. My SIL clearly can't stand me and I'm really not sure why as I've never been anything but polite and kind to her. Anyway, she loves a bit of a snipe / passive aggressive comment, tries to make me look stupid/ ignorant of my husband's heritage etc and it drives me crazy. I used to let it really get me down but now I do what others here have suggested and rebuff every one of her mean-spirited comments with an excruciatingly polite reply. The only time I have ever pulled her up on her behaviour has been when it directly concerns my children. The ruder she is,the nicer I am. I have come to accept that some people are just mean-spirited and extreme politeness in return is the only way to go. Good luck at the party- I hope it goes ok.

I like the suggestion of just saying WOW. Or why not try "wow, that's a bit rude" and then laugh...... Draw attention to her horrible comments, but make light of them at the same time. Try "now be honest and tell me what you really think" and laugh. Take the mickey out of her in a round-about way. I also find agreeing with someone drives them mad. If she says your kids clothes are too small say "I know, I'm a disgrace of a mother" and laugh.

My best friend had a SIL who was a total nightmare. She had to have the best of everything, she never dated make comments about SIL, but she did make a big deal of how she got pregnant first time trying and BF had fertility troubles.
I think it would be a good idea to have some come backs, if DH asks what you're doing you can say it's just my sense of humour

I would have a serious issue if my DH didn't defend this type of criticism of my DC's - if he is that spineless in front of his family, I and the DC's wouldn't be going to the family event and I would be leaving him to explain our absence. Why does he allow this to take place?

I'm from the North and have had this mocking by poorly copying my accent issue with some, weeeell, ignorant people.
I can also speak in a very cut glass English manner too though - the total shock on their faces when you suddenly out English them always, but ALWAYS leading to the question "why don't you speak like that all the time?"...and My go to answer.
"You work it out."

Concerned look 'what makes you so unpleasant?'

Take no prisoners. And if the end result is a fallout & no more family gatherings then I'd say your work is done,OP

If she's says she can't understand you, just say I beg your pardon, I didn't quite get that?...pause for her to repeat then say I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch it, shake of head...answer any criticism with a non committal question...really? Oh etc!

Bookworm see if you can get her to take one of your diazepam "special vitamins" - might shut her up a bit.

Obviously don't really do that no matter how tempted as it would be against the law [shock[

shock fail

Do it back. I know it sounds childish but with me, it worked. My SIL is vile. Just after i gave birth, she told me that if I don't lose the weight I put on during pregnancy then her brother would find another woman. She used to ignore me at DH's family events and talk to everyone else and simply blank me. She would often tell me that my clothes made me fatter, that her brother worked long hours and that I was so lucky to have him etc etc as he is quite a catch etc etc. Anyway, I responded by saying nothing to keep the peace until she started on my daughter calling her fat etc and why do i have to wrap her up so warm when it is clearly warm outside etc. So, one day I just snapped. Told her exactly what I thought of her including her botched plastic surgery and what a vile vindictive cow she is and now we are fine and have been for over twelve years. She is still vile but knows not to take it too far with me. So, I would just tell her in her face what you think of her. Come to think of it, I did warn DH that I would do that to her if she kept coming at me with put downs so he expected it and told her that she got what she deserved. Please keep strong and don't let anyone put you down.

'That's not kind' is also an option. along with the politeness strategy and the 'wow' comments..

Also - if you're children fall out and you have a speak with them - (and she's in earshot). say something like 'it really important to be kind... (or somesuch)

Good luck on Friday.