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Original poster

To tell dsd she has to move out?

457 replies

Gem90 · 04/02/2017 23:49

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

OP posts:
BrowsOnFleek · 05/02/2017 16:51

I do agree with you Boney that the SD is being incredibly disrespectful and selfish - typical teenager traits if you ask me - and these absolutely need to be addressed. I just don't agree with the way the OP did it. Each to their own, OP asked for opinions and I gave mine.

RebelRogue · 05/02/2017 16:53

The thing is you will find many threads on here where parents moan about their teens doing the same,or less or worse. The prevalent advice is to stop being a doormat and emotional,financial and sometimes physical punching bag and give said teen an ultimatum : step up or move out.
That overwhelming narrative suddenly changed when OP is a step mum.

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 16:55

BrowsOnFleek I agree the father will never disown his child. I have been a stepdaughter too, still am at the age I am now. I definitely get treated very differently by stepmother and have done since she arrived into the picture at her very young age ( 6 years older than me). She told my father that when I reached 18 ( and my two siblings) that we were not to expect rides to and from places late at night and that we shouldn't be given any money randomly when he saw us. !!!! She is still extremely jealous and now shares my father with another woman ( karma). Life is strange, but one thing I know, my own stepdaughter gets treated much differently than I did/do. What goes around, comes around.

Willow2016 · 05/02/2017 16:55

As in, we both woke her up this morning and told her that we had had enough

OP and her oh have both agreed and BOTH told the dsd what she has to do.
So RTFT!

Chosing to live with someone and then abusing them in their own home just because you are a dsd isnt any more acceptable than any other adult in the house.
Its not a get out of jail free card 'i am a poor dsd so I can do what I want'.

She has had 2 years to come round to the fact she has to start taking responsibility for herself and she hasnt bothered her arse. She has refused all offers of help, she just want to doss around watching tv and going out partying. She doesnt want to go back to her mother as she has said EXACTLY the same as OP and her dad.

Well news flash, we would all like to do that but cant. Its not like its the first time a 19 yr old has ever had to find a job, its not child abuse, she is an adult. She can have all the 'downtime' she wants at weekends/days off, evenings, holidays, but like the rest of us she should be paying her own way.

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 16:58

OP is being very foolish if she thinks her DH isn't noticing any malice to his daughter. I would like to see an update 6 years from now. Grin

RebelRogue · 05/02/2017 17:00

Henrietta. So you're putting your own prejudiced and biased view on this. Why don't you start your own thread about the rights and wrongs of your stepmother,rather than bashing OP as some kind of substitute?

PollytheDolly · 05/02/2017 17:00

You're not BU. The line needs to be drawn otherwise it will never change. Personal responsibility on her part. Good life lesson.

Treat other people how you want to be treated yourself.

JamieXeed74 · 05/02/2017 17:04

If the SD is being disrespectful and selfish then the two biological parents have to take a lot of responsibility. Kicking her out seems like trying to paper over their own in inadequacies as parents.

Why was the OP the one trying to get her a job? What have the biological parents been doing?

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 17:05

Willow2016

I'm guess that the stepmother has been bitching non stop and and the father has been nagged non stop. I think he likely would like his daughter to get on track but his darling wife ( a mere 6/7 years older than his daughter) is being quite a nightmare to live with and causing him as much grief as she thinks his daughter is. He also has a child with this younger woman so feels somewhat pinned against the wall in my opinion. He likely goes along to a degree for peace with the wife. But the fact is, he will not be seeing things exactly as she does. He loves his daughter, that is the difference here. That is where the wife will come unstuck if she keeps pushing against the daughter. I think the wife is too close to his daughters age to see things any different from just her way. If I were to guess the outcome of this saga, I would say her darling son may well be in the same situation as his daughter one day.

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 17:07

Rebel Rogue
I can give my opinion as well as you can. I can base my opinion on experience or anything else...just like you and everyone else does. Why dont you start a thread where you can tell people not to post if life experiences have taught them anything. Tell them that only views that agree with yours will be tolerated. See how long that thread lasts.. Grin

BrowsOnFleek · 05/02/2017 17:07

Ok willow - I can see your point. Thanks for making it so crystal clear. Perhaps you should set up an fan club for OP, and put your efforts into that instead of having a pop at me! I'm not here for bun fight.

Henrietta - I have a step father so slightly different set up but I agree completely that karma will have its day.

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 17:09

Giving my opinion is not bashing OP...It is giving an opinion. If it does not favour OP version, thats just too bad. Not everyone is going to agree with every single poster.

Willow2016 · 05/02/2017 17:09

HenriettaH

But that was YOUR experience.

This is completely different.
Did you spend all your money on yourself getting pissed? Were you abusive towards you dad and step-mum?

Your step mum doesnt sound like she gave you 2 years of support and encouragement to make your way in the world and thats the difference here. You had a bad experience, this dsd has had it easy far too long.
Her own dad has had enough that tells you something.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 05/02/2017 17:10

Just because the OP and her husband have read this young person the Riot Act does not necessarily mean her bags will be packed and on the doorstep in just over four week's time. But acting like it could happen would probably be no bad thing. Few of us ever had the luxury of being able to please ourselves for two long years with no expectation of getting a job of some sort or of being in education.

I'd be on the phone to the boyfriend's parents and warning them that they could be expected to give her house-room very shortly. They could be completely unaware that this young person sees their home as the next step out of their own family home, and not be as welcoming as she might believe.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 05/02/2017 17:10

To those suggesting that it's the OP's fault because she's a stepmum, that the dsd is resentful of the new baby, that the dsd is doing this because she doesn't feel part of the family - have you missed the bit that says dsd moved out of her biological mother's house at 15, because her own birth mother wasn't prepared to put up with the laziness, rudeness and lack of effort?

So the dsd went to dad's (and stepmum's) because she didn't want to live under her mum's conditions and thought she'd get an easier ride. Which she has, for four years. Only now the gravy train's hit the buffer.

The dsd is responsible for a lot of the situation she now finds herself in imo.

Willow2016 · 05/02/2017 17:12

I dont need to set up a fan club.

I would be the same after 2 years of abuse from someone I have ared for in my own home. Just because you are a step parent doesnt make you the automatic punch bag in the house (but then dsd doesnt seem to discriminate and abuses everyone) Doesnt matter who you are you trat people with respect when you are living in their home free gratis.

ilovesooty · 05/02/2017 17:12

his darling wife
her darling son

Sounds pretty invested and hostile to the OP to me. The tone goes way beyond "expressing an opinion".

FrancisCrawford · 05/02/2017 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollytheDolly · 05/02/2017 17:18

Since when does being a 19 yr old step daughter prevent reasonable behaviour?

RebelRogue · 05/02/2017 17:18

I'm guess that the stepmother has been bitching non stop and and the father has been nagged non stop. I think he likely would like his daughter to get on track but his darling wife ( a mere 6/7 years older than his daughter) is being quite a nightmare to live with and causing him as much grief as she thinks his daughter is. He also has a child with this younger woman so feels somewhat pinned against the wall in my opinion. He likely goes along to a degree for peace with the wife. But the fact is, he will not be seeing things exactly as she does. He loves his daughter, that is the difference here. That is where the wife will come unstuck if she keeps pushing against the daughter. I think the wife is too close to his daughters age to see things any different from just her way. If I were to guess the outcome of this saga, I would say her darling son may well be in the same situation as his daughter one day.

You are literally rewriting the story to fit your narrative of evil step mother. What about the fact that DSD's mother feels exactly the same and has the exact same rules?

RebelRogue · 05/02/2017 17:19

And the fact that DSD has chosen to live with this awful,selfish,wicked,young step mother,and happily did so for 4 years?

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 17:21

BrowsOnFleek

Oh for sure karma will have its day. Patience has its own reward ... :-)

Bumblebiscuits · 05/02/2017 17:23

Henrietta, I think the clinching fact that suggests your speculation on the daughter's experience is unlikely is that the DM is following the same path as that offered by the OP. If it was just a malicious SM scenario, why would the DM agree with her.

I feel for you OP, you've been put in an invidious position. It sounds to me that you've handled it with dignity and maturity. I would be tempted to relax the deadline if, and only if, the DSD shapes up in regard to dropping the abuse, looking for a job and making a financial and practical contribution to the household. I genuinely think your DSD will feel better about herself if she does start working, moving forward with her life and becoming a contributor rather than a dependent. It's always easier to support someone who is willing to help themselves.

I hope your depression lifts soon.

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 17:24

Rebel Rogue...No we dont know the whole story and I think just as people are presuming that OP is a selfless, virtuous, saintly soul..some of us choose to offer up other scenarios. Trying to demean any value of my posts and others shows that you have no interest in offering up a solution and that you simply want to have your version of events registered as gospel. Sorry no can do...all opinions are valid.

Bumblebiscuits · 05/02/2017 17:24

X post with rebel rogue!!!