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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell dsd she has to move out?

457 replies

Gem90 · 04/02/2017 23:49

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

OP posts:
BrowsOnFleek · 05/02/2017 16:03

P.s. Willow chill out.

Have you RTFT? 😂 OP definitely said it was her or SD.

Chelazla · 05/02/2017 16:03

How old is op?

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 16:04

26

Aeroflotgirl · 05/02/2017 16:05

borrowed what planet are you on! She's had plenty downtime, partying and coming home drunk! Op has done all the work around job hunting and interviews, not dsd! Who has not bothered to turn up for interviews. She is over 18, and an adult! It is totally reasonable to expect an adult to either get a job, education or both, or pay out if their JS, not spend it on booze and what not!

Chelazla · 05/02/2017 16:08

I can see how they rub each other up the wrong way, 7 years is a very small gap. Is it possible dsd has felt a little shoved out with new ds and all. I'm not taking side just trying to understand.

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 16:10

You'll wish you hadn't - apparently that means your just stepmom bashing Hmm

Crumbs1 · 05/02/2017 16:14

Gracious, I find it really odd that people will continually pander and make excuses, searching for labels for normal teenage behaviours that need reining in. It's not 'low self esteem, anxiety, depression or any other label. It's laziness and getting away with it for a bit too long. How is she even allowed to smoke inside the house (unless you all do), how is she being fed and watered and affording cigarettes and alcohol on job seekers allowance?

Chelazla · 05/02/2017 16:14

It's hard isn't it, I know deep down I'd never let anyone throw my child out I'd keep going at it, trying to make it better. However I can also see having someone being horrible in you own house isn't nice.

tobedo · 05/02/2017 16:14

I think that the SD chose to live with them because she thought it would be an easier ride living with a young stepmum, rather than a strict mother.

So far she's been right.

Chelazla · 05/02/2017 16:17

I don't know, I'm a soft touch I know I am. I was moddy coddled by dgps but I'd like to think I appreciated it rather thank took advantage. I feel sorry for both parties tbh. Both are obviously very unhappy.

gamerchick · 05/02/2017 16:21

So many bleeding hearts Grin

OP I'm sure your inbox is just filling up with offers to take on your poor little stepdaughter who's having a hard time.

larrygrylls · 05/02/2017 16:22

Have not read the entire thread but totally agree with OP.

Her stepdaughter has had umpteen chances to behave respectfully. She now has a choice between her mother and boyfriend, hardly homeless.

Parenting does not end at 18 but it does become increasingly dependent on some quod pro quo as a child grows up. Adults cannot expect to behave however they like without consequences. A 19 year old would be expected to respect university or workplace rules or lose their place/job, so why should they not at home?

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2017 16:24

BrowsOnFleek
I think it's called parenting a teenager.

But we have just had several pages of how he OP isn't the parent.

I wish that posters would make their minds up.

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 16:28

We are only hearing the stepmothers version. Hard to give out any advise when you have such a biased version. I'm of the opinion the husband doesnt see it her way...or she wouldnt be on here trying to get some back up to show him.

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 16:34

With a 6/7 year age gap, I also suspect that the stepmother is a little jealous of the time dh spends with his daughter. I've seen it so many times over the years. The non acceptance of the husbands female relatives by jealous wives. They'll conjure up and exaggerate anything to try to prove a non existent point. I'm afraid I don't fall for the first version of events anymore... experience tells me to look deeper. For what it's worth, I have a great relationship with my stepdaughter who has been a normal teen in her teens, that means sometimes great and sometimes difficult.

HenriettaH · 05/02/2017 16:35

The OP is the Step Parent... which to me means step aside and let the parent, parent.

RebelRogue · 05/02/2017 16:36

The OP is the Step Parent... which to me means step aside and let the parent, parent.

Odfod.

BrowsOnFleek · 05/02/2017 16:39

Boney the point I'm trying to make it that this all comes with being a step parent. Obviously you can't predict that a lovely 13 year old (guess here) will turn into a nightmare at 19 but that's the risk you take - you take on your DP's family. If it was the OP's child, would she do the same?

I grew up being the stepchild and always felt on the outskirts of the family, so I guess I can see it from SD's view. Although I always worked and didn't piss my life away. I just feel a bit sorry for SD as something is clearly troubling her and can't help but feel that a biological child would be treated differently.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2017 16:40

HenriettaH
The OP is the Step Parent... which to me means step aside and let the parent, parent.

It only works if the first rule is :-
"you don't treat my partner (+ any other of her family + half siblings) like shit"

BrowsOnFleek · 05/02/2017 16:40

Henrietta - couldn't agree more on the jealousy. I've also seen it happen, it destroys families but the biological parent has never disowned their child, much to the disapproval of the step mother.

BorrowedHeart · 05/02/2017 16:40

Not a well off family no, quite the opposite actually. I do have some debt from loans I needed when travelling to see my daughter was leaving us short. Unfortunately me and my partner live on benefits as our youngest has extra care needs. From I was sixteen and finished school, there was so much pressure to do more schooling or get a job (yet we moved so much I had to constantly restart) maybe my views are a bit biased but I only really have my own life to go on.

likeacrow · 05/02/2017 16:41

God, if we all had the financial luxury of "downtime" between education and the workplace. I had an ace time at uni and plenty of fun times in the many jobs I had after uni before I settled down into a career. And guess what, I still had downtime then, for instance nights out, holidays, all the things which we need money to pay for and which no parent should be expected to pay for beyond the age of 16 imo.
It's not a case of sending 19 year olds down the mine to support the family, you can work and still have fun and "downtime" as a young person!! You've not got half the responsibilities or stresses at that age and actually having a job and contributing gives you freedom, a social life, self respect. It's a positive thing!

BorrowedHeart · 05/02/2017 16:43

Maybe because I fell pregnant at 19 I've missed out on a lot, and now with a daughter with extra needs there is no one who can babysit her etc so maybe I'm feeling biased bas d on that. I can accept I'm wrong and ultimately it's the ops decision on what happens anyway.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2017 16:45

... do you realise how much JSA people get, not enough to live on that's for sure.

JSA stands for Job Seekers Allowance.
As far as I'm concerned, this girl shouldn't be getting a penny unless and until she starts looking for work.
She doesn't need any money to "live on" because she's got a comfortable roof over her head, food in her belly and tv to watch.
If the world worked better, there would be more money for those unfortunate people, who find themselves out of work and want to work. And there would be money enough for those, who through no fault of their own are unable to work. But then why should op and this young woman's parents fund her?
Sadly it's impossible to police and sanctions in many cases have been a disaster.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/02/2017 16:47

BrowsOnFleek

the point I'm trying to make it that this all comes with being a step parent. Obviously you can't predict that a lovely 13 year old (guess here) will turn into a nightmare at 19 but that's the risk you take - you take on your DP's family.

I agree that it cannot be predicted, but the very least that should be being shown by the DSD is good manners, for someone who is providing for her lifestyle.

If it was the OP's child, would she do the same?

This keeps cropping up, and it is IMO a silly question. but FWIW I know many families that have had 16 -21 yr olds removed from the family home. Some for good reasons some not.

Winston Smith wrote a book called generation X about teenagres and young adults in secure homes. (which is still far removed from this situation).