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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell dsd she has to move out?

457 replies

Gem90 · 04/02/2017 23:49

She is 19, refuses to apply for jobs, doesn't want to go to college and is just generally rude and spiteful to me, dh and my younger ds with dh.
Today was the last straw, she came home drunk this morning at 3am, banging about the kitchen making food, waking us all. This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay. She started shouting then crying saying she would change, she would start paying rent out of her jobseekers bla bla bla, but I'm done. I told dh she has a month to go or I will and he agrees she needs to live in the real world and realise how good she has had it all these years.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 05/02/2017 15:30

Wanting your 19 year old to get an education or employment isn't sad, it's good parenting and it's the kindest thing you can do for your grown child (to continue to have expectations of them so that they can achieve their potential).

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 15:31

Wanting your 19 year old to get an education or employment isn't sad, it's good parenting and it's the kindest thing you can do for your grown child (to continue to have expectations of them so that they can achieve their potential).

I agree with this

BorrowedHeart · 05/02/2017 15:31

"Spend all her JsA on herself) do you realise how much JSA people get, not enough to live on that's for sure.

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 15:33

BorrowedHeart How much is it? And how much does it cost to live? £'s and pence? Not live in a certain manner. But live. Be alive? Everything else you have to WORK for.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 05/02/2017 15:33

Borrowed most people leave school and go straight in to work or education. If you go in to further education you would get six weeks summer holiday before starting which is more than enough of a break.

Very few people have fully funded gap years. Most families can't afford that. It doesn't mean they are bad parents.

Aderyn2016 · 05/02/2017 15:34

No one has been cruel to her. Get a grip BorrowedHeart. Asking for manners and for dsd to either go to school/seek employment is not akin to sending her down the mines aged 5!

ilovesooty · 05/02/2017 15:35

Expecting someone claiming jobseekers allowance to actually be seeking work seems reasonable to me.

I doubt if the desire to have downtime would cut much ice with potential employers or training providers either.

Badcat666 · 05/02/2017 15:36

Borrowedheart where the hell do you get it in your head that an adult, once leaving education, has to have "downtime"? What world do you actually live in??

So everyone who is a taxpayer, has to pay for every 16year old to have a couple years off to relax and do what they want?? FFS

I have given you my very first Biscuit

ilovesooty · 05/02/2017 15:38

I know exactly how much jobseekers is. And I think she should be contributing rent from it and making serious efforts to seek work.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/02/2017 15:41

From op's posts it doesn't sound like the dsd ha spent every hour of every day since leaving school to lol for a job.

She's coming home drunk and partying.

Plenty of downtime over the past two years.

For comparison I had a Saturday job from 17 whilst studying.

Walked into my first full time job two days after my last exam at uni.

I don't feel hard done by, it's life.

Who's meant to fund the lifestyle of all these young adults who don't want to work and have 'downtime' for an indefinite period of time? Not parents who can't afford it or want to put up with vile entitled adults abusing the household.

BrowsOnFleek · 05/02/2017 15:41

OP I agree that your step daughter does sound a bit hellish, but I think it's really unfair to force someone into choosing between their child or their relationship.

Regardless of if your dp agrees with you, he will never disown his child for you. I think you ought to go about it in a more grown up manner.

ilovesooty · 05/02/2017 15:45

The OP stated ages ago that she and her husband delivered the ultimatum together.

Willow2016 · 05/02/2017 15:46

Baggled
Again RTFT
She didnt leave school till 17, she has had 2 years to get herself a job, I am sure that op didnt hand her an application form the day she left school!

How long do you think she needs for 'downtime' I would love some downtime and sit around doing nothing all day and get cash for it. How long is good enough for you? 2yrs (obviously not) 5yrs 10 years? Should she still be dossing around at 35?

The fact is that she is getting jsa and is keeping it to herself to get pissed on, go out and enjoy herself, not a penny towards keep. I was earning £23 a week and still giving dig money as it was only fair.

She is an adult, I am sure she uses the wifi, electric, hot water, washing machine, eats the food (adult portions and snacks) etc its not some magic house where it is all free. But still feels that its ok to do so while abusing the people who are providing it all for her.

Willow2016 · 05/02/2017 15:48

BrowsOnFleek
WTF?

What other 'grown up manner'?
2 years of abuse and being used for free housing, food and everything else while you party, refuse to even go for an interview for a job, dont look for a job, do nothing in the house how grown up do you have to be to put up with that?

Blood sure I wouldnt and I am twice OP's age.

misshelena · 05/02/2017 15:49

Dsd needs to get a job. My DD16 has been holding down a PT waitressing job since a year ago. One month to get a non-professional job is not unreasonable. And I suspect that OP isn't really going to throw dsd out if dsd is earnestly looking and is waiting to hear back from several prospects.

OP is in a difficult situation being a stepmom so close in age to her dsd.

BrowsOnFleek · 05/02/2017 15:49

This morning I told her she has a month to find somewhere else to stay.

Seeing as this is what the OP said, and the fact that it is the OP starting the thread rather than the DP, I really feel that the problem lies with the OP. Of course DP agrees the behaviour isn't great but does he really agree that his daughter should be thrown out in a month?

madein1995 · 05/02/2017 15:50

BorrowedHeart - i think a break after school would be luxury to many. Certainly I didn't want to go straight from uni to work, it didnt seem fair to me, but then life isn't fair and tgeres no other option. Thats beside the fact that dsd hasnt done anything in 2 years. A time of relaxation doesnt really factor in. I left school and went to uni, wjuch included a lot of freedom and a fair bit of relaxatiom. Then i got a job, where i earned my own money and was proud, and not so mych relaxing. Its life

BrowsOnFleek · 05/02/2017 15:52

Willow - I think it's called parenting a teenager. Admittedly, some behave worse than others but it's just how it is.

Guess what, this is what OP agreed to take up when she got with her DP. This is what being a step parent is about. You can't throw your toys out the pram now because SD doesn't behave how you'd like. And yes, I do think making someone choose between you and their child is very childish.

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 15:53

Borrowed heart are you in debt, or from a very well off family?

You see, it must be one if you live in harmony with your opinions. Nothing is for free.

QuiteLikely5 · 05/02/2017 15:55

Borrowedheart - maybe the dsd can move in with you? 😂

Aderyn2016 · 05/02/2017 15:57

She isn't throwing her toys out of the pram. She has understandably cracked after 2 years of full on pisstaking.

Willow2016 · 05/02/2017 16:00

NOBODY IS MAKING ANYONE CHOSE BETWEEN A PARTNER AND A CHILD!.

The dsd chose to stay with them, their rules their house end of.

NOBODY IS KICKING HER OUT ON THE STREET.
AHE HAS 3 OPTIONS OF WHERE TO STAY.

She just doesnt want to work or study but just wants to doss around and do what the hell she wants to do with no responsibility at all. And yes I would be telling either one of my sons to pull their finger out if they were like that with me. I am not taking abuse just because I am their parent, giving abuse and taking the piss is the same whoever is doing it. Again I will state the obvious there have been plenty threads about actual sons and daughters with the same issue and the advice was tell them to shape up or ship out, this is NO different.

madein1995 · 05/02/2017 16:00

And personally when i was on jsa i didnt pay rent. I did offer,, but plarents refused. Then again I was actually looking for work and as mam said, if i'd been 'pissing it against a wall' (ie using it to get pissed all the time)she would have taken rent. The dsd should at least have offered

BrowsOnFleek · 05/02/2017 16:02

Just an opinion guys!

If you can't stand the heat don't start the thread 🙄

Baffledonthisone · 05/02/2017 16:03

I think the heat is fine. The only heat that should be notable is on your cheeks. What utter nonsense - a bit of down time after the privilege of an education!