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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This wasn't the right way to deal with this was it? Or AIBU?

113 replies

PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 17:26

EOW arrangement for DS (3) with ex P

He's with me this weekend and just asked me if he could speak (video call) to Daddy. I messaged him to ask if he was free to talk he said yes, so we called.

They had a chat and DS then said, "can I come and stay with you onight?" I had no idea he was going to ask him that

Ex P then said something like "I can't tonight mate, I'm busy" DS looked visibly upset and I was waiting for ex P to say something to reassure him, he didn't and DS still looked upset, so I stepped in and said , "of course daddy would have loved to have seen you, its just that sometimes grown ups are busy or have important things to do, but daddy still loves you" or something similar

I was so annoyed that he let DS sit there looking visibly upset and didn't attempt to make him feel better until I chipped in. Broke my heart.

So I messaged shortly after and said I think next time if he asks to see you and you can't you need to be more sensitive with how you deal with it, its not my responsibility

Of course I will always say what I did to DS to reassure him but I felt like I was having to prompt ex P to say anything reassuring in the first place

I'm now getting "thanks a lot, I feel even worse now" messages.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 17:29

I'm not by the way suggesting he should have said yes, totally respect the fact its not his weekend and he probably has plans, but DS is 3 fgs and needed the person saying no to soften the blow!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 04/02/2017 17:30

I don't think what he said was that bad really. I don't think long drawn out expliantions always help.

Twooter · 04/02/2017 17:30

Maybe he felt awkward because he knew he was allowed to have him this weekend?

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2017 17:32

Maybe it took him by surprise and he was wondering why your son was asking to stay with him, when he knew he was staying with you so wasn't on the ball on his response. Maybe he thought you put him up to it and was just taken aback.

Do you know why your son asked to Skype his dad and asked to stay with him?

TwitterQueen1 · 04/02/2017 17:32

I think YABU. Your exP was obviously caught on the hop - what exactly did you expect him to say? You were there; to my mind it should have been you who sat down with your DS and gently talked about living in different houses and how both you and your exP had agreed when DS could stay...

Isadora2007 · 04/02/2017 17:33

I probably would have apologised first in saying I didn't know DS was going to ask that...so maybe he was put on the spot...BUT could he maybe be a little more reassuring in future if it happened again?
Your ex may have just been unsure what to say and may have even thought you knew that's why DS wanted to call...or maybe just handled it badly but I don't think he really did anything wrong.

Twooter · 04/02/2017 17:33

Wasn't allowed

Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 17:33

I don't think he needed a long drawn out explanation either, just an age appropriate response?

OP posts:
Gaaaah · 04/02/2017 17:33

I don't think it was that bad.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/02/2017 17:34

Yeah he could have handled that better. I wouldn't have sent a text though, I would have raised it when he next picked your DS up. I think text messaging about things like this can cause more problems because it can be misinterpreted etc.

It's hard for your ex to comfort your DS via video call though? When you're not physically there it's not all that easy to help. He may well have thought that he may have made it worse.

Perhaps when you're DS gets upset again about it, he could say something like "not tonight, you're staying with mummy tonight" so it's a positive approach rather than the more negative "I'm busy tonight". Or making it more about who your DS is with, rather than who he isn't with.

Hope that makes some sort of sense!

humblesims · 04/02/2017 17:35

"I can't tonight mate, I'm busy" seems like a fair response and age appropriate.

FlyWaxSleepRepeat · 04/02/2017 17:35

He's 3, it was a perfectly reasonable response. The question probably took him by surprise and it was the first thing that popped into his head, what he said was fine.

Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 17:36

Funnily enough the same situation has happened in reverse when DS was with him so when that happened I made sure to make DS not feel rejected. I just felt saying, no sorry mate, I'm busy, was a bit blunt for a 3 year old

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 04/02/2017 17:36

I think perhaps a lot can be lost in a video call so it may not have been so evident to your ex that his som was so upset, whereas you were there with him so could pick it up easily.
I do think you handled it brilliantly and next time his daddy has to let him down he will probably choose his words more carefully.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/02/2017 17:37

Also I'm sorry to say it is a joint responsibility to deal with these questions, not just your ex's.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 04/02/2017 17:37

YABU, his response was perfectly reasonable.

Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 17:37

If I'd have known why he wanted to call him I would have had a chat with him and tried to avoid him asking the question

OP posts:
neonrainbow · 04/02/2017 17:38

I doubt your son is going to have any kind of lasting issue. Hmm You'll need to learn to pick your battles cos right now you sound really controlling.

trinketsofgold · 04/02/2017 17:39

I think you are BVU to send that message. "it's not your responsibility"?!
I'm sorry. Is he not your son too

Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 17:40

I'm perfectly aware of what my responsibilities are dealing with questions like this and I took 100% of the responsibility in clearing up this upset as I outlined in the OP

OP posts:
user1484226561 · 04/02/2017 17:41

why was he visibly upset to be spending the night with you?That's the real question, isn't it. You know if there is a reason, or just a childish favoritism, which ebbs and floes on a whim. I think that is what you are really annoyed about, not the response from your ex.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/02/2017 17:41

You're being a bit defensive OP.

You said you told your ex it wasn't your responsibility...

ImperialBlether · 04/02/2017 17:41

I'm trying to think a situation where I was living apart from my 3 year old who asked if he/she could see me that night and saying No (given it would be OK with the ex.) I can't imagine it.

DancingPenguin1 · 04/02/2017 17:42

Actually I think you were a bit out of order telling ds that daddy had more important things to do, way to make him feel unvalued and your ex guilty!

trinketsofgold · 04/02/2017 17:44

Would you like a gold star for comforting your child.... Who you were sitting right next to.

There are things to get annoyed about. And this isn't one