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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This wasn't the right way to deal with this was it? Or AIBU?

113 replies

PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 17:26

EOW arrangement for DS (3) with ex P

He's with me this weekend and just asked me if he could speak (video call) to Daddy. I messaged him to ask if he was free to talk he said yes, so we called.

They had a chat and DS then said, "can I come and stay with you onight?" I had no idea he was going to ask him that

Ex P then said something like "I can't tonight mate, I'm busy" DS looked visibly upset and I was waiting for ex P to say something to reassure him, he didn't and DS still looked upset, so I stepped in and said , "of course daddy would have loved to have seen you, its just that sometimes grown ups are busy or have important things to do, but daddy still loves you" or something similar

I was so annoyed that he let DS sit there looking visibly upset and didn't attempt to make him feel better until I chipped in. Broke my heart.

So I messaged shortly after and said I think next time if he asks to see you and you can't you need to be more sensitive with how you deal with it, its not my responsibility

Of course I will always say what I did to DS to reassure him but I felt like I was having to prompt ex P to say anything reassuring in the first place

I'm now getting "thanks a lot, I feel even worse now" messages.

AIBU?

OP posts:

KateDaniels2 · 04/02/2017 19:22

Its not just about the not saying anything though.

Its about accepting that now everyone gets its right all the time. No parent does. You may know yoi shouldnt have text him but you are still clearly upset that he didnt do what you deem is enough.

Original poster

PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 19:26

That's all its about. The not saying anything.

Life is also about accepting that different people have different standards.
I am actually allowed to make a judgment for myself about whether I thought that was fair on DS. It wasn't, because if I had behaved in the same way DS wouldn't have heard anything reassuring at all.
I shouldn't have messaged him though, that I have accepted.

OP posts:

Eevee77 · 04/02/2017 19:28

I think YABU. His response was fine and there's not a lot he can do over video chat and chances are he didn't even see that he was "visibly upset" over a video chat. And YABU to message him about it.

Original poster

PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 19:30

I've accepted I was U for messaging him.

I assumed that as I can clearly see his facial expressions when on v calls, he can too.

Some kind words would have been all it took

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/02/2017 19:39

OP, you are allowed to make judgements, but when you start a thread on an open forum, you are inviting people to give you their opinions, some you may not like, but all of them are relevant.
I can understand where you're coming from, but like you've realised, we don't all react the same. You both love your little boy, and he's very lucky to have you both. Let this blow over, go and get yourself a nice glass of wine, and put your feet up. 🍷

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/02/2017 19:40

OP with all respect you are still festering over it. But you apologised to him and you know he feels bad. He will in all likelihood think a lot more carefully about what he says in future.

But you don't seem like you want to move on from it. I would strongly advise against letting these things play on your mind. I think you need to try to not feel angry about it at this point.

RandomMess · 04/02/2017 19:47

I think it's good you apologised to you ex.

Perhaps during the week or when you can speak to your ex you could discuss a few phrases that could be used at times like that by both of you, or that if when DS next asks to speak to his Dad (or vice versa) you will each remind him that yes Daddy is free to chat but remember tonight it's your turn to stay here.

Being emotionally sensitive/supportive doesn't come naturally to everyone and it's easy to be caught off guard.

for your DS being so disappointed, I wonder if he would like some overnight contact between EOW - could that work for you all?

Being positive isn't it great that DS felt he could ask to speak to his Dad etc. you know a lot of separated parents don't even have that!

Original poster

PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 19:48

I totally take that on board. I do fester on things like this because of the history of the last 12 months and how much I have had to deal with. None of which I asked for.

After being left days after a miscarriage I had to build a new life for me and my son, completely on my own - buying a house, going through sorting out his early years place and school as well as shouldering almost all of the financial responsibility (thank you 15% CM) some of those comments fucking BURNED.

I do understand this isn't an excuse for getting so riled up about things like this, but quite often it seems like I have to parent for both of us and sometimes the apparently little things can really get to me.

Again, not an excuse and I am trying to be better

OP posts:

DJBaggySmalls · 04/02/2017 19:54

I disagree, you are allowed to discuss parenting techniques.

RandomMess · 04/02/2017 19:55

I can only imagine how peed off you feel at your ex, and yes it's a bit crap if he isn't good and the emotional stuff and it's horrible when you see your DS being hurt and his Dad not stepping up. Try and detach even more, otherwise madness and heartache will drive you insane!

cestlavielife · 04/02/2017 20:04

Get a calendar mark the days he goes to dad... both agree to say " this is mum s/ dad s weekend. You will be with mum/ dad next weekend"

teaforbreakfast · 04/02/2017 21:32

It's awful the way lone women parents can be left to get on with it.

That being said, and as gently as possible, I don't honestly think any child will be adversely affected by a gentle 'not now mate, I'm busy.' In fact, I think it is a good thing. Glad it's sorted and the thread is a bit more supportive!

RacoonBandit · 04/02/2017 21:37

YABU. He was caught off guard.

But its done now no point in dwelling on it.

Pleasestoplickingthetv · 04/02/2017 21:46

Sounds like you've had a shit time of it and feel you are responsible for a lot more then what you should be, so understandably resentful when your ex leaves you to pick up the pieces again (so to speak)
I would have been a bit miffed, all it needed was some further explanation from your ex and that would have been sufficient.
Young children don't always understand a simple "sorry I'm vusy"
My DS1 is 5 and I still need to give him a full run down when I say No to something!

Pleasestoplickingthetv · 04/02/2017 21:46

*busy

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 04/02/2017 22:01

There are some really twatty responses on this thread. Some PPs ought to be ashamed of themselves. I'm sure it's no indication at all that your son doesn't love spending time with you. He probably asks for you when he's at his dad's too. He'll just be processing everything. There's absolutely no need for the horrible posts insinuating that there's some sinister reason why your son asked for his dad. Some people are nasty.

YANBU. If your son was left upset by his dad's answer then it wasn't an adequate one. Yes, there's a time and a place for learning how to hear a simple "no" but it's not when you're 3 years old, getting to grips with your parents separating and missing your daddy a bit. That's the time for your dad to just soften the blow a little. All he had to do was say "I can't tonight, pal. But I've got some awesome stuff planned for next weekend and I'm sure you're going to have a great day tomorrow with mummy. What are you going to be up to?" Just move the conversation on in a positive way. It's not rocket science. And to all the PPs who said maybe he was caught off guard, well so was OP but she managed to handle it appropriately. It's not beyond a father to do the same. Why do women constantly let blokes off the hook for stuff like that?

kali110 · 04/02/2017 23:19

I agree with showmepotato.
Think his reply was fine. He was put on the spot, he didn't know what to say.
He could hardly say it wasn't his weekend could he?
Nobody is the perfect parent all the time.
It's good that you apologised but you need to let this go.
I can understand the festering, sounds like he was an absolute arse too you, but it will only make things hard on you.

womblewomble · 05/02/2017 02:05

YABU to have said his dad might have 'important things' to do.

womblewomble · 05/02/2017 02:08

Like he isn't important. That was more insensitive than anything you're complaining about.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 05/02/2017 04:51

I think Dad was sat there thinking shit what do I say now, did she know that he was going to ask this, why not text me and ask instead of this, whilst looking at his son not that happy.

You didn't know that DS was going to ask, maybe in the future you ask DS what he wants to talk to Daddy about.

Whilst it's festering, I would suggest you think how your ex feels having disappointed his son. Not that it's your fault. But you can see 'how' it looks like point scoring when you say he's got more important things to do. I'm pretty sure EP was just floored by the question and no ill will was intended.

Hopefully things will feel better in the morning.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2017 05:35

You are an early years professional.

You've had training in to how to handle these situations.

He's a dad, he's muddling through.

Yes, it would have been great had he said something. But he was struggling to find what to say. So please, stop with the judgement.

He didn't do anything "wrong". He just didn't hand the situation as well as you would have liked.

Be glad that even though you aren't together anymore, you both get along ok and respect the other parents opinion as valuable and valid.

Stop looking for ways that your ds could be damaged or hurt and start looking for ways to ensure he has a fulfilled and happy life with two parents, who love him even though they were unable to stay together. IE positive parenting.

MudCity · 05/02/2017 05:37

As a previous poster said, no-one gets it right all the time. Your ex was caught on the hop. His response was perfectly reasonable but clearly you could see your son's reaction in a way he couldn't over the internet. As other people have said, saying no to a child is not a bad thing.

Be careful not to take opportunities to have a dig at your ex because, that's how it came across to me when I read your post.

TheStoic · 05/02/2017 05:46

He's going to be nervous about interacting with your son in front of you now. I hope that doesn't mean he will say No next time you ask to call.

AnnieNeedsAMacBook · 05/02/2017 05:57

💐 I'm not sure why you're getting roasted tbh.

'Sorry mate, I'm busy' - that's not enough. It's really not. What you expected him to also say is reasonable. Texting him to tell him thatbwas also reasonable.

Ignore the nasty comments re DS not wanting to be with you. Utterly ridiculous. Just because he wanted to see his Daddy doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with his Mummy. But you know that.

SingingInTheRainstorm · 06/02/2017 11:39

You can see how it looks to Dad though.

'Hey Ex P, DS wants to Skype you if that's ok'

No worries, go ahead

DS to DD 'Hey Daddy can I stay with you tonight?'

DD/Ex P Sorry dude I can't do it tonight

Ex P thinking was she aware this was going to come up? DS is 3 & I don't need to justify why I have other commitments or tell him precisely what I'm doing. What does Ex P expect me to say, help me out here, I look like a total cnut!

Which in all honesty you'd feel dreadful having to turn down your child, but you have plans, does Mum even know, can't we talk civilly about this via text rather than via Skype.

He then gets the text, he doesn't want WW3 or a slanging match, so just says basically Oh thanks, like I don't feel absolutely terrible already!

If it was me, luckily it's not, but if my DH put me on the spot with DC I'd say oh sorry haven't finished my child psychology course, I answered with the truth, you're there with DC why don't you placate them, seeing as they're with you and not me.

I don't think all the replies have been harsh, the OP got all angry going fuck this and fuck that. It could explain why the Dad didn't know what to say as in any way he's going to be in the wrong. If my DH said to my kids, oh sorry Mum can't do that she has more important things to do, I would have said hang on a minute, as adults we agreed this, nothing is more important, but yes I have plans.

If the OP will rare up like she did at strangers, I dread to think how she communicates with her ex when she's annoyed. There's no need to get angry, to asked for an opinion you got one and it will be a mixed bag of I see your side, I don't agree with you. If she wanted a load of nodding monkeys maybe drip feed 'the saga' on FB.

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