This wasn't the right way to deal with this was it? Or AIBU?

[PrivateWeeingGoals]

EOW arrangement for DS (3) with ex P

He's with me this weekend and just asked me if he could speak (video call) to Daddy. I messaged him to ask if he was free to talk he said yes, so we called.

They had a chat and DS then said, "can I come and stay with you onight?" I had no idea he was going to ask him that

Ex P then said something like "I can't tonight mate, I'm busy" DS looked visibly upset and I was waiting for ex P to say something to reassure him, he didn't and DS still looked upset, so I stepped in and said , "of course daddy would have loved to have seen you, its just that sometimes grown ups are busy or have important things to do, but daddy still loves you" or something similar

I was so annoyed that he let DS sit there looking visibly upset and didn't attempt to make him feel better until I chipped in. Broke my heart.

So I messaged shortly after and said I think next time if he asks to see you and you can't you need to be more sensitive with how you deal with it, its not my responsibility

Of course I will always say what I did to DS to reassure him but I felt like I was having to prompt ex P to say anything reassuring in the first place

I'm now getting "thanks a lot, I feel even worse now" messages.

AIBU?

Singingintherain I agree with you as to why the ex didn't dare say anything for being in the wrong and without getting a dramatic response. In the OP it said 'Broke my heart' (because DS was looking a little upset at being refused his request) and then later we got a breakdown of the circs of their break up followed by : 'so,some of those comments FUCKING BURNED' How over dramatic.

I was angry with some of the responses being overly harsh. Not all, some.

I took the criticism on board, then apologised to ex. I thanked those posters for offering ways in which I could have dealt with things differently.

Yet the bashing still continues.

I'm not sure I understand how anyone can be making judgements about how my ex would have felt he didn't dare say anything without being in the wrong. On what basis? One occasion where I have gone a bit over board? Or perhaps I have spent the last 12 months sucking up a barrage of absolute shit and carrying on regardless, making sure things stayed completely normal and happy for my son.

And it wasn't 'fuck this, fuck that' I was horrified by one poster implying that my child had an issue staying with me. That's when I swore. Because it was completely out of line.

I'm not sure what bahhhhumbugs issue or indeed, over investment is with this small problem that has already been cleared up.

I'm wading my way through so much shit at the moment, trying my best to keep it together. So yes, I snapped, but I tried to resolve the issue. A reaction some may think is 'over dramatic', to me, in the thick of it, I may have just reached my limit.

Why do you think its ok to carry on sticking the boot in?

Oh dear l can see the last couple of posts didnt go your way OP. So we are treated to more 'woe is me' statements. You really do come across as having to be right when
someone disagrees with you. . I also
dislike and disagree strongly with
what you said to your exp and had it
been me would have asked ' and
where's your office and please don't speak on my behalf to my child especially if telling them l have more important things to do!! !? ' You
seem to think because you are the
wronged party in the break up then
you have the last say in how the
other parent parents.and should have automatic claim to the higher moral
ground.

I'm actually just trying to defend myself.

I have repeatedly admitted that I shouldn't have said what I said to ex. Lots of times.

I did not say ex had more important things to do. Not at all.

Again, wild extrapolation from this single situation on how I behave on the whole as a co parent.

I think it's good you apologised for the text. If your sons dad doesn't generally try to upset him then it just seems like a case of him not expecting the question and not knowing what to say. I think it is best to stick to agreed days though. You may have appreciated the break this time but on another occasion you might have plans and if dad thinks he can just say yes to staying with him instead you are going to be the bad guy telling him he can't.

The comments about him not wanting to be with you were uncalled for though. He is naturally going to be missing the parent he isn't with at the time.

Completely agree bumsexatthebingo

I honestly didn't know that DS was going to ask that question, I would never have put ex on the spot like that, it wasn't his weekend and I respect the fact that he has plans. Ex did say he didn't think I would have known he'd ask that. We were together a very long time and no each other inside out, and aside from everything else he knows I wouldn't have risked DS feeling let down or whatever off the back off him not being able to have him.

Its only the second time DS has asked that question in a year (once to me when he was at his dads and then this occasion). So I do appreciate he was caught off guard, we both were!

Its definitely working for us to stick to agreed days, although obviously (with notice and both agreeing!) we're both being flexible wherever possible if something comes up.

*know

IT sounds like you've worked this one through, OP. As some of the posts are irritating you, you might want to leave the thread, as different people will tend to keep popping up and saying the same things.

wild extrapolation to think saying an adult had important things to do as an excuse for turning down time with his child is tantamount to saying to the child that this adult stuff is
more important than him? Really?

That's a wild conclusion? ...and as
you point out you are an early years
professional and know a little more
about the workings of a child mind
than the man in the street? and you
wonder why you are being called
over dramatic? Wild extrapolation
indeed Also you might have
said that you were wrong to say what
you did but still believe you were
right to speak on behalf of another
adult in that way which in many
people's opinions on here was the
wrong thing to say to the child

OP, YABU but you admitted this already.
However, some comments are really uncalled for. Sometimes I wonder if some posters are just waiting for new threads to appear so they can be mean and aggressive, while of course being hidden behind a screen...

maybe your ex was upset too at having to say no and the only reason he said no is because he knew it was your sons weekend with you. Sounds to me like he can't do right here, if he's have said "no you need to stay with mummy" you'd be on here saying "my exP told my son staying with me is a chore." You sound very hard to please, OP.

Yes and the OP is not shy of being aggressive herself. Anyone who posts now unless they agree with her is being called a person with issues or over invested when they have merely commented on the last poster's contribution or accused of wildly extrapolating when merely stating the same as many others , how a certain statement could have come across. .