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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This wasn't the right way to deal with this was it? Or AIBU?

113 replies

PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 17:26

EOW arrangement for DS (3) with ex P

He's with me this weekend and just asked me if he could speak (video call) to Daddy. I messaged him to ask if he was free to talk he said yes, so we called.

They had a chat and DS then said, "can I come and stay with you onight?" I had no idea he was going to ask him that

Ex P then said something like "I can't tonight mate, I'm busy" DS looked visibly upset and I was waiting for ex P to say something to reassure him, he didn't and DS still looked upset, so I stepped in and said , "of course daddy would have loved to have seen you, its just that sometimes grown ups are busy or have important things to do, but daddy still loves you" or something similar

I was so annoyed that he let DS sit there looking visibly upset and didn't attempt to make him feel better until I chipped in. Broke my heart.

So I messaged shortly after and said I think next time if he asks to see you and you can't you need to be more sensitive with how you deal with it, its not my responsibility

Of course I will always say what I did to DS to reassure him but I felt like I was having to prompt ex P to say anything reassuring in the first place

I'm now getting "thanks a lot, I feel even worse now" messages.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 04/02/2017 18:13

I think that your Ex was as surprised by the question as you were.
He answered in a friendly but clear way, although he could have then gone on to distract DS and move the conversation on to happy thoughts.
Perhaps he was very aware that the wrong answer might have been interpreted as undermining you and implying that he thought that staying with you was somehow a sad thing (to be commiserated over) rather than just a different thing (to be accepted as part of the ebb and flow of life). So he went with neutral which you read as...what? cold? uncaring?

StillaChocoholic · 04/02/2017 18:13

I think people are missing the point.
The ex's response was fine but when his child was then upset he surely should have said something to offer comfort to him. Talk to him about what they might do next time he's at his dads or distract him with something, not just sit there and not acknowledge the fact that his child is upset.
It's fine to say no but it's also fine for a 3 year old to be upset about it and sounds like he needed a bit of reassurance maybe from his daddy.

CotswoldStrife · 04/02/2017 18:14

I think for a small child that is is natural for them to want to spend time with the parent who they are not with at the time, if that makes sense. Whoever they are with, they will miss their other parent.

For the future, perhaps you could speak to your ex and decide whether it is OK for either of you to say 'yes, you can stay with me tonight' if it's not your weekend and it is possible. I do agree that you ex may not have felt able to say it was possible even if it was, and I don't think your text to him afterwards helped - it is painful to see your child upset but it's not your ex's fault.

I'd just agree a strategy beforehand to cope with this in future so if your DS asks to stay with the 'other' parent, they are allowed to say yes if it's possible, or no it's mummy/daddy's night tonight but I'll see you on ....

honeyroar · 04/02/2017 18:15

I think a lot of people need to take a deep breath!

I don't think it's a big deal. He probably didn't know what to say without making you look bad.. "I'd love you to come but you've got to stay at mummy's", or "I'm not allowed to have you this weekend darling". You were just quicker than him at thinking of a response, and I imagine telling him he wasn't sensitive enough did come across as a dig and made him feel worse (because he perhaps did want to swoop over and get him).

Next time it might just be better to say " you'll see daddy/me in a couple of days and we've got X/y/z to do, rather than making it a case of someone being too busy to see him.

Could be worse. My husband's ex used to ring on our weekends and say to my DSS, who was ten and having a great time, "are you sure you're ok there? You can come home if you want to. You don't have to stay if you're not happy. Are you sure you're ok?" DSS would come off th phone saying "why doesn't she think I want to go home?)

youarenotkiddingme · 04/02/2017 18:17

Well if he wasn't busy and said "of course you can - I'll be there in an hour" what would you have said?

It's entirely possible he misses his ds like mad but is trying to do the right thing by you too.

BlueFolly · 04/02/2017 18:18

YABU

TwitterQueen1 · 04/02/2017 18:18

Op, you are blowing this out of all proportion. Your DS is 3. OF COURSE he will say stuff like that. All you had to do was smooth things over. But you've blamed your ex for an inappropriate response, despite the fact that you were with your DS and he wasn't.

You said yourself that apparently your DS asked the same question of you when he was with your exP. In your eyes, you gave the perfect response but your exP was not so perfect. Chill please. This is just not important enough to get so worked up about.

And now you're reading things into comments that just aren't there.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/02/2017 18:19

Very good point honeyroar. He could have made you look like the bad guy, even unintentionally, and that would have been even worse!

NoCleanClothes · 04/02/2017 18:22

I agree that he might well have not known what to say as he didn't want to say "mummy won't let me have you tonight" and caused tension. He also might have felt you were better placed to comfort him since you can give him a cuddle.

It doesn't sound like he was deliberately unkind or negligent towards your DS. I can understand that's it's so difficult when you're little one is upset but I don't think it's really Ex's fault on this occasion.

Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 18:28

I have messaged him again and apologised for making him feel worse and explained that I got carried away with my emotions regarding DS.

I know DS will say things like that. I'm an early years professional so quite well versed in children's emotions. So I felt he needed a bit of reassurance that daddy saying no didn't mean anything negative and he needed to hear the positives, as he looked and sounded upset. I did my best to do that. I just felt he needed to hear it from him first (or at all!), as he was having the conversation with him.

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 04/02/2017 18:32

The child received comfort from one parent that was sat next to him. The other parent probably didn't know what to say for the best, so said the first thing that popped into his head.

He made himself available for the conversation in the first instance. So his priorities are right.

The text you sent after the call, that was out of order IMHO.

Miserylovescompany2 · 04/02/2017 18:34

Just seen update. I'm pleased you apologised for the text.

RiversrunWoodville · 04/02/2017 18:34

Bloody hell I really wonder what is wrong with people sometimes. Although clearly op you should have had your psychic hat on to know exactly what your ds was going to say and prevented it Confused. Your son just missed his dad and asked a question that to a 3 year old was innocent enough he doesn't have the same concept of time as adults so to those saying why doesn't he want to stay with op probably because he doesn't realise what is mums night and what is dads yet, he loves them both and when at his dads asks the same thing. So no YANBU to want him to have it explained more gently and have some Cake and Wine

PerspicaciaTick · 04/02/2017 18:37

Well done Op - sounds like you took a deep breath and did what needed to be done. Enjoy the rest of your weekend with your DS - snuggly bedtime, early morning bed swapping, soggy kisses. Three year olds are brilliant (and a bit Shock)

Bahhhhhumbug · 04/02/2017 18:42

Well if comments on here have made you feel bad thats quite ironic really because thats exactly what your comments did to your ex. I dont get this avoidance of ever just saying no to a child as if they will melt unless the blow is softened. It makes them more resistant to the word 'no' imo.

DJBaggySmalls · 04/02/2017 18:47

I'm sorry to hear you apologised to him.
He was clumsy with his kid and he was an arse to you after you smoothed it over.

Sometimes kids want to sleep over with a friend or relative, it doesnt mean they hate you or want to live with them. I think parents would know that.

BlueFolly · 04/02/2017 18:50

I don't see how the ex was being an arse. The OP was being an arse (and now has apologised) in her subsequent text.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/02/2017 18:56

honeyroar

Exact same thing happened to a friend of mine and DH's.

Had 2 kids with his ex and had kids every other weekend. His ex started to say "are you sure you want to go to daddy's this weekend...you'd be happier here" and ended up doing a whole parental alienation on him. Awful.

Whippingpiccadilly · 04/02/2017 18:56

YANBU.
I get it OP and I'd have said the same thing as you. You didn't do anything wrong.

Some of the posters on here really like sticking the boot in.

misshelena · 04/02/2017 19:16

OP - not just your ex, my DH is the same! Some pp just don't really notice when they've upset someone. And facetime makes it even harder to tell! Also, he may have been trying to get out of having to say the obvious "oh no, you can't come buddy. Mummy will be pissed with me. Tonight is her night."

It actually is your responsibility to comfort him, if you saw that he was upset.

Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 19:16

I can see now that I shouldn't have sent the message. I should have kept my thoughts to myself. Which is why I've apologised.

However, I haven't changed my opinion that he didn't deal with it in the right way. I can't believe some people think it's ok for a parent to say to their child asking to see them "sorry mate, I'm busy". And that's it. Nothing else.

If a friend calls and asks to meet up, I wouldn't just say "sorry I'm busy" and leave it at that. I would have thought most people would follow it up with "oh but I would have loved to have seen you, what a shame" etc. You show a bit of kindness to adults when you're 'letting them down'

This is his little boy that was upset! I appreciate he was caught of guard, I was too. I still think just sitting there while his son was upset not saying anything wasn't right. He's a grown man. Yes it was over video call, but he could still actually use words to try and cheer.him up/distract him

OP posts:
KateDaniels2 · 04/02/2017 19:17

Yabu. Mainly because all parents dont get it right all the time. We fuck up. We get caught on the Hop and dont give quite the right response or perhaps dint realise how upset our kids are and dont give the right repsonse. Or enough of a response.

You will do it too Op. Its just life. But how would you feel having it pointed out to you? That you havent done something perfectly regarding your child?

Because honestly if dh picked me up on every occassion i have given a slightly less than impressive repsonse, i would tell him to piss off.

Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 19:18

I did comfort him.

OP posts:
Iknowyouwontlikethis · 04/02/2017 19:18

private ignore them. Mr and the kids father are still together and call him 3 times a day sometimes. Why? Because he's their dad and wants to speak to him! Doesn't mean they aren't happy. He probably just missed him and thought it would be nice to see daddy. Our 3 year old can ask to call his dad 30 minutes after he's gone to work asking to spend the day with him. Their 3, it's normal. Everyone on here is over reacting. And I think you handled it fine. But I think your ex dp did too....

Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 19:19

Yes, I've just said I shouldn't have said anything to him. Twice.

OP posts:
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