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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This wasn't the right way to deal with this was it? Or AIBU?

113 replies

PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 17:26

EOW arrangement for DS (3) with ex P

He's with me this weekend and just asked me if he could speak (video call) to Daddy. I messaged him to ask if he was free to talk he said yes, so we called.

They had a chat and DS then said, "can I come and stay with you onight?" I had no idea he was going to ask him that

Ex P then said something like "I can't tonight mate, I'm busy" DS looked visibly upset and I was waiting for ex P to say something to reassure him, he didn't and DS still looked upset, so I stepped in and said , "of course daddy would have loved to have seen you, its just that sometimes grown ups are busy or have important things to do, but daddy still loves you" or something similar

I was so annoyed that he let DS sit there looking visibly upset and didn't attempt to make him feel better until I chipped in. Broke my heart.

So I messaged shortly after and said I think next time if he asks to see you and you can't you need to be more sensitive with how you deal with it, its not my responsibility

Of course I will always say what I did to DS to reassure him but I felt like I was having to prompt ex P to say anything reassuring in the first place

I'm now getting "thanks a lot, I feel even worse now" messages.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 17:44

What the hell?

So its now being suggested there's a reason my son doesn't want to stay with me. Nice

I said to my ex that I shouldn't have had to be the ONLY parent saying things to make DS feel better. He didn't say anything at all until I began to reassure DS myself

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 04/02/2017 17:44

You may need to set up some phrases that you both agree in future. "It's daddy's/mummy's night, tonight" etc. Then you won't get caught out as much. I find Skype picture quality really hard, I can't recognise emotions that well on it, and there is often a slight delay anyway.

Don't be hard on him, just work with him to be better prepared next time.

lalalalyra · 04/02/2017 17:44

He was probably completely caught on the hop. And possibly desperate to say yes, but knew he couldn't.

teaforbreakfast · 04/02/2017 17:46

I think what he said was fine to be honest.

BackforGood · 04/02/2017 17:47

Yes, YABU. His answer was perfectly fine for someone who had just been caught out with an unexpected request.
Maybe your message to him should have started with an apology for letting your 3 yr old put him on the spot like that.

Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 17:48

I did not say daddy had more important things to do AT ALL. Read the OP

Thank you for those who've given constructive advice.
Some of these comments are just fucking horrible.

I asked AIBU, not to be made to feel like complete shit

OP posts:
Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 17:48

Again, read the OP, I did tell him I didnt realise he was going to ask that

OP posts:
user1484226561 · 04/02/2017 17:49

So its now being suggested there's a reason my son doesn't want to stay with me. Nice

maybe there is, but either way, he didn't want to, did he?

and I guess that is what's riled you, cos ex didn't do or say anything wrong.

teaforbreakfast · 04/02/2017 17:49

Sorry you've been upset, OP.

I think we're all guilty of being over sensitive where loved ones are concerned.

Flowers
user1484226561 · 04/02/2017 17:50

I think you are trying to make your ex feel like a complete shit, because YOU are upset about your DS's request and reaction.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/02/2017 17:50

I don't think it's fair to say OP's DS didn't want to stay with her. He wanted to be with his dad, which doesn't automatically mean he doesn't want to be with his mum.

But I agree that it's upsetting - it would upset me.

Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 17:51

What the fuck? How dare you suggest that?!
You have absolutely no idea about the history of this break up or how hard I have worked to set up a new life for my son and I after being left high and dry.

He missed his daddy. Why is that not a reasonable explanation? Why suggest that there is a reason my son didn't want to stay with me? I think you're just being cruel

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 04/02/2017 17:51

Yabu, you sound very highly strung.

Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 17:53

I want upset at all about him asking to stay with him. I would have relished the fucking break. I have 12 consecutive days of being woken up very very early by DS and a ton of work to complete by Monday.

OP posts:
teaforbreakfast · 04/02/2017 17:53

I agree some posters are just being cruel now Hmm

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/02/2017 17:53

i agree with you OP that the PP's comment was mean. Your son wanting his dad doesn't mean he doesn't want you, obviously.

However, the history of the break up is irrevelant to how you now deal with things with your ex. You can't bring the break up in to it. It's all about your DS now.

TheSmurfsAreHere · 04/02/2017 17:57

Well if the ds was upset by his dad answer then the dad's answer wasn't good enough for the child.
It doesn't matter what we think as parents and adults. What counts there is how the child felt about it.

So on that POV, I think the OP's reaction was right. And that it would have been better if it had been the dad doing it.

On the father side though, I think it's much harder to get a feel of how a 3yo (or anyone for that matter) is reacting. I think some non verbal signals aren't getting through so it's much harder to gauge what sort of reaction would be better.

blueredyellow · 04/02/2017 17:59

Maybe your ex-partner felt you had set up the video call to guilt trip him?

I think YABU, his response was fine.

GwenStaceyRocks · 04/02/2017 18:00

tbh your DS was with you so I would expect you to be more reassuring because you were with him in person. Skype is great for conversations but it's not the best medium for consoling an upset child.
I also think your ex was in an awkward position because he didn't know if you had requested the Skype call because you wanted him to take DS tonight and equally he didn't know what you had told DS about his availability. From his pov, you requested a Skype call out of the blue and then DS asked to stay at his dad's. It wouldn't be that odd if your ex assumed that had been the reason behind the call from the beginning.

Crunchymum · 04/02/2017 18:01

Maybe he just didn't know how to respond and was formulating a response?

TheSmurfsAreHere · 04/02/2017 18:01

Comments from PP about the fact yu R ds didn't want to be with you are horrible TBH.

Every child, whether their parents are separated or not will have times when they want to see mum or dad.
That child can't see his dad everyday. He is kissing him and is saying that he wants to see his dad.
Imo it says a lot of GOOD THINGS about the mum and the dad if that child is feeling confortable to state he is missing his dad. It says that father and son still have a string bond. It says that the mum hasn't been interfering in their relationship. It also says that he is totally confident in his relationship with his mum to say he is missing his dad (wo her getting upset).
I'm not sure how any of that can be seen in a negative be way TBH.....

BackforGood · 04/02/2017 18:01

Well if the ds was upset by his dad answer then the dad's answer wasn't good enough for the child

Don't be ridiculous. We all - as parent - have to say no to our dcs about all sorts of things throughout their lives. You'd be a pretty poor parent if you thought you had to give dc the answer they want all the time.

Bit like this OP really - getting very upset because the replies haven't been what she wanted, doesn't make the replies wrong.

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2017 18:04

I get it OP and I would have answered in the same way that you did.

But having said that, I still don't think your ex was BU

Just different to you, that's all.

Original poster
PrivateWeeingGoals · 04/02/2017 18:07

I am completely confused as to why several posters have suggested I allowed or cajoled DS into calling EX p to guilt trip him.

Why on earth would I risk my child being upset?

And I haven't been upset by the replies that have been measured and helpful and helped me to perhaps deal with things differently next time or not let my emotions run away with me.

But yes, I've been shocked by the nasty tone of some of these responses.

OP posts:
EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/02/2017 18:12

Sorry yabu. I don't think you exactly needed to step in, although if you felt you wanted to, fine. The follow up text was completely unnecessary and clearly just meant to make him feel bad/point score. His response was fair and appropriate imo. Sorry. If he fucked you over, I can understand why it's hard.

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