To resent our childcare arrangement

[pikapoo]

I suspect I'm BU (please don't flame me!!), and would welcome some perspectives.

Am on maternity leave with 8 month old DC (only child). DH works full time Monday-Friday, often comes home in time for bath and bedtime with our DC. Every month he'll spend maybe 4 weekend days in total (sometimes half day, sometimes full days) pursuing a hobby (to say more would be outing), which takes him out of the house and leaves me looking after DC. He does the same on some weekday evenings once DC is in bed.

Recently we had a chat as I have started to resent looking after DC by myself on weekend days in addition to weekdays (I should add that grandparents live too far away to help with any regularity). I acknowledged that maybe IABU about it, and he said he did feel I was being unfair to him - he works hard during the week, spends 75% of his spare time at home helping with DC/household stuff, and already barely has time to pursue his hobby to the level that he wishes (which has been really affecting his mood).

While occasionally I leave DC with DH for a few hours during the weekend, I don't actually want/need a 'tit for tat' arrangement either.

AIBU to feel a bit resentful and actually quite envious that he is spending time on his hobby while I wish he would spend more time at home helping out with DC and hanging out with us?

OP - 13 years ago I was in a worse position. DH's hobbies included mountaineering and paragliding (often overseas). I got very upset when one of his friends had a very serious climbing accident on one of their expeditions and told DH it could have been him and couldn't cope with it anymore. This was when DS1 was about 10 months old. DH did agree to stop the hobbies that worried me when I became pregnant again shortly after this.

What did not stop was the rugby - he has done this more or less every Sunday through the lives of our 4 DC (eldest now 13). There has generally also been the boxing training / some martial art or other at least one night a week if he's in UK. Not to mention the runs most mornings (although this is usually just 30 mins or so). I put up with all this because -
a) He works very hard and long hours and at least he doesn't bring the stress home if he can do this kind of stuff regularly
b) It was always presented in the context of him having compromised on all the other more extreme stuff!

I can't remember in the blur of it all when the cycling started - but at least by that time the DC weren't babies anymore. He gets up early on weekends to do that these days or goes evenings. He also cycles to work. They are actually trying to cycle round the world in stages - the next one being through Turkey through June, so he will build up towards that as the time approaches. He will go on some 10 hour rides etc, but I'm not that bothered these days as my youngest is now 9. He bought a whole garage for the bikes and paraphernalia. They do get weirdly obsessed.

Now he and his friends race formula something-or-other cars as well which involves 2-3 day stints away somewhere like Portugal.

Anyway, I have survived all this. The only plus side is now that I have two sport mad sons (11 and 13), DH is more than happy to be taxi / watch all their matches which means I don't have to. Also, I feel no guilt whatsoever about doing my pilates 3 times a week or going for a run or swim when he's at work.

You can't really change people, but you can find something you love and make sure you do it. That's my advice fwiw.

Timsel I agree with your that active hobbies can be a necessity, not a luxury.
I really fully agree with you.

However, this should never come at the expense of the partner who then end up doing all the childcare, has no time for their own hobbies and basically have to suck it up.

It has to be a balance between the need of both people in the couple.
If the needs of one of them is met but not the needs of the other, and this need can be for some active hobby but it could be about spending time together as a family or socialising or whatever, then there is an issue IMO.

You are NOT being AT ALL unreasonable in my view. Being a stay at home parent is the most exhausting job in the world (I'm not one anymore but used to be), and it's especially daunting when you're a first time mother. It is not unreasonable to want to feel supported by the person you've committed to spending your life with.

That's not about issuing ultimatums but talking about what's reasonable. Personally I'd think one evening a week and on weekend day a month with a baby this age should be more than plenty for him to have as "time off". And if I were you I would find it hurtful that once the baby is in bed he is happy to go out several nights a week rather than spend time with you, even if it's just helping clean baby bottles or sitting on the sofa.

It is a pity that your DH feels down when he can't pursue his hobby as much as he'd like, but having a family isn't something you slot in around your other priorities - other activities should slot in around them. I expect you feel down sometimes that you're life has changed so much... I agree with some other posters who suggested you nip this in the bud immediately.

If he hasn't ever spent time with the baby by himself then make him do it now - for a whole entire day including bedtime if you can. It might be very difficult for you to leave them to it, and it might feel silly to find something else to do for the sake of it, (tip - go to a friend's house and sleep if you can!) but he needs to know how gruelling an entire day of childcare can be. If he hasn't done it before this might make him re-evaluate everything you do while he's out of the house...

I have a friend who's husband is one of the most amazing partners and fathers I know. He works very hard at his job (she's a SAHM) but when he's home he's home and he's engaged with the children and with her. Once a fortnight they go out together on a date night. I asked him how he managed it when so many men don't, and he gave what I think is the greatest answer. He said: "Its not my job to support my wife so she can support our children, I want to build a relationship with my children and show my wife that I love her and appreciate all the work she does - I want to be in a family where everyone knows they can depend on each other." Or words to that effect.

He's unusual in my experience, but the principal is a good one. I don't see why you're LO should miss out on time with you (or vice versa) just so you can pursue a pointless tit for tat childcare arrangement which you don't want at this stage. When you go back to the office it will be even harder to make that work. And I don't think childcare/housework always needs to be 50/50.

But it sounds to me as though underlying your post is the feeling that it hurts you that your DH would rather be doing his hobby than nurturing his relationship with you and building his relationship with your DC. And that's why you need to nip it in the bud.

(sorry this is such an epic response - but I feel really strongly about this as I had similar when my DC was little)

However, this should never come at the expense of the partner who then end up doing all the childcare, has no time for their own hobbies and basically have to suck it up

That's not the case here though? the OP is chosing to not have hobbies, her DH has even suggested that she does get a hobby.

It can be quite difficult to live with someone who isn't sorting their own "outlets" out. I like DH better when he has hobbies.

No it's not that she doesn't wat more time for herself at lol. What she is wanting is to spend time as a family rather than on her own doing 'something for herself'

Not everyone NEED is to have time for yourself, esp when you already spent a lot of time on your own (with or wo a baby). The need to be social, spent time with adults, doing things as a family, sort of bonding time together, is also very important.

Her need is to spend time with her DH as a family and I assume to do nice things together. Not time together doing HW and running errants, which I assume is what happens when they are together at the weekend.
She should be able to have that time to fulfil her needs just as much as her DH has time to fulfill his needs.

So you're not willin to get a babysitter so you can have free time to, but expect him to stop his? I'm confused.

My DH is a competitive cyclist and we don't have a problem. He cycles for around 2. 5 to 3 hours once a weekend with no traveling to start. He supplements this with 3 evening sessions on the turbo trainer and I go out at these times doing hobbies or seeing friends, sometimes having a bath or just me time. He also cycles part of the way to work. I have 2 hours to do sport at the weekend. I also do ask DH to do his bike ride at nap time so I don't have childcare while he goes out.

It's an interesting point though.
I personally have found that if what you really want to do is to spend time as a family doing something nice for all of you, something where everyone has a nice fun relaxing time, then people are dismissing it as unimportant or not 'time for yourself' therefore bout as important as someone who needs to go running or doing some yoga (or cycling etc...).

It can be a struggle to convince people that this is just as worthy.

Yes olympic there is something too about when and how long you are going out.
Being out for 2 hours whenthe baby has a nap isn't the same than being out 9.30 till 11.30 that is using the whole morning.

Your DH needs to tone it down and do shorter rides at more convenient times.
My DH plays hockey but stopped playing matches when DS was 16 months as it really is 5hr minimum thing. DS got very daddyish at that age, and DH actually wants to see his child.
We both do our exercise now in the odd 1-2hr burst or when DS is in bed.
DH will go back to hockey matches once DS is older, and he misses it, but he accepts that this is how it is in the early years of being a parent.

this is yet another "he does this because he has a penis" thread and I am so depressed by them all.

OP, its his penis and his entitlement that domestic shit is beneath him.

good luck with it all (I mean that) - you will I assume have had some useful advice

Totally empathise with the OP, although DH has substantially cut back on his cycling time post-DC and does most by commuting by bike and getting in spin-style classes on weekday lunchtimes.

Nevertheless the prioritisation of cycling and exercise can still grate - when he's missed bedtime all week because he's working late but I know he's been out for over an hour every lunchtime for an exercise class.

Particularly irritating at the moment are complaints about being shattered, needing a lie-in etc when most of it is on account of doing 3 hours of hard physical activity every weekday, which he could just not do whereas I am shattered because I am pregnant and spending my days chasing after a toddler which is not optional.

That's not the case here though? the OP is chosing to not have hobbies, her DH has even suggested that she does get a hobby.

It is though. What OP wants is to be able to have some time for herself and family time. DH basically reserving what sounds like close to 50% of the non-working time for his own pastime is equally preventing OP from getting what she needs. She'd have to choose between the two. You mentioned needing the equivalent of 50% of weekends for an active hobby or you'd be off work with stress. The same might equally well be true for some people who feel they need a lot of family, relationship building time.

So you're not willin to get a babysitter so you can have free time to, but expect him to stop his? I'm confused.

You are indeed, because OP hasn't said she expects him to stop it.

In simplest possible terms:
I want DH to continue his hobby
I want to pick up my hobbies again
I also want us to spend family time together. It gets lonely being at home with an 8 month old (even if we go for the occasional playgroup), and I crave spending time with DH when he's around.

Which brings me to another great suggestion I've seen from PP (and received from a friend today) - regular date nights weekly/fortnightly (and sorting a babysitter out for this). Will prioritise this as it will do all of us some good.

Agree pikapoo I meant to say that up-thread, if you're able to organise a babysitter and go out together then it really helps you as a couple. Also helps for him to see you as his DW and life partner rather than the person at home who looks after the baby as your default activity.

Just make sure he takes his turn at organising the babysitter and the nights out on occasion - he's perfectly capable of making arrangements with his pals to go out and cycle, so if this means anything to him at all, then he should be capable of arranging it too.

I'm a sahm not by choice. Two of my dc have special needs. I hate people who get defensive (generally means they know what they're doing isn't right) and get moody when they can't do their hobby. It only works if both partners are happy. Isn't the reason you have a family is to spend time with them? Being at home can be boring as hell then another days grind when your dh goes out to do his stuff. If you didn't feel like accommodating him would you need to find a sitter for him?

Msqueen33 - agreed!

I do think half (or more) of the problem often lies in the communication of said problem between a couple. Often the end goal is to reach some sort of compromise or agreement that both parties are happy with, but it can require a lot of self-restraint and composure to look at things from both sides and to approach OH in tactful yet persuasive manner. Obviously it depends on the prevailing communication style in the first place. I sometimes despair when I read certain posts on MN - if the posters are as brash and rude to their OHs IRL as they come across online, then it is no wonder things don't work out...

Bubbinsmakesthree -

Just a final note to say I'm really grateful for all the great advice on this thread, thanks again everyone!

Which brings me to another great suggestion I've seen from PP (and received from a friend today) - regular date nights weekly/fortnightly (and sorting a babysitter out for this). Will prioritise this as it will do all of us some good

We did this and it worked brilliantly for us. We had four DC close in age and would just end up too busy or too knackered to have much time for each other. As soon as we could after each baby we started getting a babysitter and going out for a few hours. I BF so we didn't go out for hours on end at first but enough for a meal and a chat. We used the same babysitter the whole time who we still keep in touch with even though our kids are in their 20's

And suggest to him that he does what quite a few posters' DHs on this thread do - get up super early and cycle for a few hours then, back by 11am - and cycle to work or part way. If he has 'cycling goals' he might to be prepared to inconvenience himself to achieve them, not just his family.