Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent our childcare arrangement

196 replies

pikapoo · 04/02/2017 15:03

I suspect I'm BU (please don't flame me!!), and would welcome some perspectives.

Am on maternity leave with 8 month old DC (only child). DH works full time Monday-Friday, often comes home in time for bath and bedtime with our DC. Every month he'll spend maybe 4 weekend days in total (sometimes half day, sometimes full days) pursuing a hobby (to say more would be outing), which takes him out of the house and leaves me looking after DC. He does the same on some weekday evenings once DC is in bed.

Recently we had a chat as I have started to resent looking after DC by myself on weekend days in addition to weekdays (I should add that grandparents live too far away to help with any regularity). I acknowledged that maybe IABU about it, and he said he did feel I was being unfair to him - he works hard during the week, spends 75% of his spare time at home helping with DC/household stuff, and already barely has time to pursue his hobby to the level that he wishes (which has been really affecting his mood).

While occasionally I leave DC with DH for a few hours during the weekend, I don't actually want/need a 'tit for tat' arrangement either.

AIBU to feel a bit resentful and actually quite envious that he is spending time on his hobby while I wish he would spend more time at home helping out with DC and hanging out with us?

OP posts:
Craigie · 05/02/2017 19:10

He is being unreasonable and you are letting him treat you like a single parent. Hobbies have to take a back seat when you've got a young baby. Stop elevating his paid employment above the full time job you have at home. He might think it's more important. It's not.

wiltingfast · 05/02/2017 19:33

Wow. 8 hours pursuing his cycling goals? So basically this wonderful dad is only actually around 1 day a week?

That would just be completely out of the question for me. I'd be wildly angry that he thought he could continue to pursue such a time consuming hobby with a small baby in the house. You are already minding the child all week. The least he can do is be around ALL weekend to take the pressure off and so you can all enjoy being a family together.

TippyT · 05/02/2017 19:34

I think I know what your OH does, and as I was at one very heavily involved in that, I knows it's addicative and absorbs lots of time up. However now you have a family it's not fair, and I would ask him to either reduce his commitment by transferring to a lower commitment version or leave. Sorry to be brutal but it's not a good thing for your relationship xxx

thenovice · 05/02/2017 19:58

It's a tough time. Hang on in there....

CrowLeftOfTheMurder · 05/02/2017 20:00

Agree with rookiemere here, Yanbu..

What would happen if you just decided that you could claim as much time for yourself as he does? it seems to be a modern 'thing' that everyone is entitled to their own space and freedom but I fail to see how this is actually possible if you're a normal person in a happy relationship!

If you did the same every week would that leave any time at all for family time or even time for you and dp to spend together?

Doing something that you enjoy with no responsibility to anyone else is a luxury when you're a grown up as far as I'm concerned. That's something you do when you're young and single. Once you have a family you learn to appreciate and enjoy different things that involve being together, or at least adjust things so that everyone can join in?

I don't buy in to the idea that it's a good thing for children to learn that their parents have separate interests and hobbies that take them away from the family. Surely much more healthy to see that you are complete when you're together and enjoy doing things as a family?? Otherwise it sends the message that actually, daddy would rather be playing out with his friends than spending the weekend with us!!

We used to enjoy finishing work early on a Friday afternoon for a nap - house full of people by 5, out clubbing from 9 until 3 then sleeping all day on a Saturday Grin Now that we have a lg that's a distant memory but I'm more than happy with that, I don't see why your dp needs to cling on to something this way Confused and I would be really resentful about it tbh..

Tess123 · 05/02/2017 20:34

YANBU. He needs to realise (or have it pointed out) that he has new priorities now. He has new responsibilities, to his child, to you, and to your family. And, he needs to stop being selfish, and putting his own needs first.

mumto2two · 05/02/2017 23:01

Having just read first and last few posts, get the general gist! Agree with Wiltingfast here, and also understand OPs wilingness to accommodate. ExH had a similarly time consuming hobby playing golf, 'cut it down' to one weekend day a week when he became a dad. On one occasion when our LO was 6 weeks old, I had fallen ill with pneumonia and could barely get to the toilet unaided. And yes, he still got up and left for the day with his clubs. To this day I still don't have any recollection of what happened once he left, but I ended up in hospital soon after. Unsurprisingly the marriage had faltered by the time DD had turned one. Sometimes the enthusiasm for the 'hobby', goes beyond the hobby Itself..

Beahun · 05/02/2017 23:06

I knew it I just knew it that he is a cyclist!! My DH is a cyclist as well. He was exactly the same. He used to go out all the time before having DD and still done it until about DD first birthday. He had the 4 hours rides on the weekend then cleaning off the bike etc. It was so annoying. I'm not sure when it changed but now DD is 5 he doesn't go out for long rides only about 1.5 hr.
I was arguing about it all the time as family life suffered. I think in the end he just realised he cannot continue like he was a bachelor. So hopefully it will change for a better for you as well. Being a cyclist widow is not fun I've done it already.

lotbyname · 05/02/2017 23:49

My baby is 3 months. Dh, has been fab, has been going to the pub every Tuesday with the same bunch of friends for 20 years. I wouldn't dream of stopping him but I've decided that I want an evening out too so now I'm going to go out for an evening once a week. He's happy and I'm happy to have some demarcated alone time. Not that I've actually left the house yet!!

Get yourself a afternoon out every weekend op! This won't get when they go to nursery either. You'll just be wondering why it's you working and looking after your child alone as well!!

user1484750550 · 05/02/2017 23:51

Re the OP, what is 'BU?'

user1484750550 · 05/02/2017 23:53

Oh wait, does it stand for 'being unreasonable?'

Xmasbaby11 · 06/02/2017 00:04

Yanbu. He's a father now and should want to spend most weekend time with you and the baby. I know couples with young dc who both love me time and have a lot of weekends away with friends or days out doing hobbies and basically take it in turns to look after dc. I don't think it's great for their relationship as they don't have much time together, and also not much family time.

There has to be a way for him to keep up his hobby in less time! Try to sort it out before you go back to work and especially if you plan a second dc.

Adarajames · 06/02/2017 01:18

What is it about cycling in particular that seems to make men especially selfish with their time spent on it?! Hmm

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2017 01:40

What is it about cycling in particular that seems to make men especially selfish with their time spent on it?!

Golf is all day.

Cricket is all day with women making actual meals for it.

Football is all afternoon and appears to involve being drunk.

My mate's BF skateboards for hours on end.

What women's pursuits go on all day? The MN patent spa day?

Adarajames · 06/02/2017 02:05

Oh I get that MrsTP, but on here it seems to be cycling more often, look how many people guessed it was as so as the op mentioned the time taken up by it!?

Adarajames · 06/02/2017 02:05

*as soon as

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2017 02:08

on here it seems to be cycling more often It does. Oddly, I guessed cycling at the beginning. But it seems to be that if men take something up, it becomes something that takes all day. If men knitted, would all scarves would look like Tom Baker's?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 06/02/2017 02:34

For my DBro, it's chasing the wind, especially kite surfing. If it's windy and he's not at work, he's on the water. He and DSIL have almost divorced over it.

SharkBrilliant · 06/02/2017 02:40

I've been both the SAHP and the working parent in the past and both have their down sides. If you're the SAHP you dont even get two minutes to have a wee in peace but it's also hard being at work all day and not having time to unwind after work.

That said, if your DH has such a time consuming hobby that he needs to use up over half his weekends and some weeknights to do it, errr, what was he expecting would happen when DC came along?? Yes, working parents need time to relax too, but thinking that you'll still be able to do all of the things you did before DCs came along is pretty naive on his part.

And from what you've said, it sounds like he's saying that he helps you out with bathing DC etc, so he deserves time to pursue his hobbies... taking care of your own child is not helping the other parent.

worrierandwine · 06/02/2017 06:18

Sounds very familiar, for my DH its photography but yesterday we had a screaming match because I'm sick of his moping and complaining about how "he never gets to do his own thing" Angry
I think its ridiculous that we're in the position we have to request or force our DH's to spend time with us and their children and really quite sad. I completely understand your feelings about not wanting to demand time for yourself the remainder of the time as it gets very tit for tat and at what point would you spend time as a family? I think he needs to cut back and maybe 2 weekend sessions out of the 4 he would normally go cycling should be spent with his own child and you can then decide if you want to be with them or go and have some time for your sanity and wellbeing! I agree with the pp's who have said he needs to acknowledge he has a family now and he needs to cut back. First child is a tough transitional period that can last a lot longer than a year. We're on DC2 who's 9 months and still having the same arguments, I said to my DH I feel like I'm drowning at times.

worrierandwine · 06/02/2017 06:48

I should add that as the child gets older it gets easier but that doesn't help you right now. Your mental health is just as important as your DH's, it's that old saying "you can't pour from an empty cup". BrewCake

Original poster
pikapoo · 06/02/2017 11:01

worrierandwine - sorry to hear of your troubles Flowers... Think it's very unfair if your DH is moping about things when the situation is tough as it is and you feel like you're the one having to hold it all together.

My DH does his best to suck it up, bless him... If anything we mope together on occasion Wine Wine

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 06/02/2017 11:12

I don't think 4 weekend days a month devoted to a hobby is terrible, assuming he spends reasonable amounts of time otherwise with your son. I doubt it will be this way forever, generally fathers get more stuck in over the weekends as their children get older and this is a great hobby to share with them.

I'd book a sitter on his cycling days and do something you like.

TinselTwins · 06/02/2017 12:16

If I was doing a full time job that involved a lot of chair sitting or commuting/driving, I would NEED at least eh equivalent of one day a week of full on exercise….. otherwise 6 months down the line I'ld be off work with back pain or stress or both.

It's the toss up I make when/if I increse my hours - in order to sustain my ability to plough on with work, I HAVE to have activie hobbies - it's not a want, it's a need.

I encourage DH to do, I don't want him dropping dead on me!

I didn't need to so much on maternity leave, I could go out and stretch my legs or do an exercise DVD etc, go to swim group or rhyme group and trot around singing "grand ol duke of york" - but once back to work, active hobbies are just basic maintenance, not a luxury

Closetlibrarian · 06/02/2017 12:24

One thing to add, which I think others have said. You need to very quickly disabuse him of the notion that he is 'helping out' when he looks after your DC. When a parent looks after their own child they are not 'helping out' or 'babysitting' or 'giving you a break'. They are parenting. Full stop.

DH used to talk loads about 'helping me out' when I was on mat leave with DC1 and it used to drive me bananas and he was always so confused at my reaction because he was intending it in a nice, supportive way. My DH is a lovely lovely man (who's now the primary parent in our family), but still I think it takes a while for everyone to get their head around what parenting actually involves.