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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent our childcare arrangement

196 replies

pikapoo · 04/02/2017 15:03

I suspect I'm BU (please don't flame me!!), and would welcome some perspectives.

Am on maternity leave with 8 month old DC (only child). DH works full time Monday-Friday, often comes home in time for bath and bedtime with our DC. Every month he'll spend maybe 4 weekend days in total (sometimes half day, sometimes full days) pursuing a hobby (to say more would be outing), which takes him out of the house and leaves me looking after DC. He does the same on some weekday evenings once DC is in bed.

Recently we had a chat as I have started to resent looking after DC by myself on weekend days in addition to weekdays (I should add that grandparents live too far away to help with any regularity). I acknowledged that maybe IABU about it, and he said he did feel I was being unfair to him - he works hard during the week, spends 75% of his spare time at home helping with DC/household stuff, and already barely has time to pursue his hobby to the level that he wishes (which has been really affecting his mood).

While occasionally I leave DC with DH for a few hours during the weekend, I don't actually want/need a 'tit for tat' arrangement either.

AIBU to feel a bit resentful and actually quite envious that he is spending time on his hobby while I wish he would spend more time at home helping out with DC and hanging out with us?

OP posts:
FirstShinyRobe · 04/02/2017 18:15

Does your husband ever spend any time on his own with his child? Because until he does, you can kiss goodbye to your hopes of a 50/50 arrangement. You are setting in stone your default childcare role.

I would sacrifice some family time in the short term and get out of the house and leave him to it on some of the weekend days for the next few months.

isaulte · 04/02/2017 18:23

I definitely would NOT recommend Zwift or a turbo trainer, unless you enjoy negotiating round a man effectively playing a computer game on an actual bike in your house.

I speak from experience.

AllTheLight · 04/02/2017 18:27

The problem with DH's idea of getting a sitter during the week is that, although it means OP has had some 'me time' during the week, her weekends would still be spent largely caring for a small baby on her own which, let's face it, gets boring. It's ok in the week because you can go to baby groups, meet friends etc, but those things don't usually happen at weekends.

Astoria7974 · 04/02/2017 18:38

Is it a hobby that he can take the kids with (and allow you a bit of peace)? Dh's hobby is cricket and he'll take dd, neices, and nephews every saturday in the summer - they watch, help with teas, etc. The kids love it, the parents get a break.

rookiemere · 04/02/2017 18:43

The Dh's idea also means that whilst OP gets me time, he doesn't have to do any sole parenting.
Firstshinyrobe is right - get out of the house for a weekend and leave him to it.

I would say though that a lot of these hobbies are designed and enjoyed by people who do have time to kill - so single and retired folk, so they don't naturally fit into family life.

DH had a few short lived fads. One was cricket. He disappeared off at 12 Saturday lunchtime and reappeared literally minutes before the time I needed to leave (think it was 7.45pm) for babysitting - and he got in trouble for scooting off early.

Then there was the tennis league. They expected him to be free to play at a minutes notice and it wasn't just tennis - he was expected to bring buffet food along (muggins here made it once still can't believe how stupid I was to do that) and spend large swathes of time there at the weekend. Mostly folks in their early sixties with oodles of spare time.

At least DH had the gumption to realise that it wasn't fair to be away that much. Or actually I think he got a knee injury and/or didn't enjoy the social aspect that much himself.

So now you know YANBU OP - what are you going to do about it?

supermoon100 · 04/02/2017 18:55

It's funny how many husbands get really into their hobbies after their babies are born. Yanbu, it would and did drive me mad. Put family first if you have young kids

KERALA1 · 04/02/2017 19:07

Yanbu op. Dh gets up at 6 on Saturdays to cycle until lunchtime. I take kids to activities in the morning. He cycles to work and sometimes goes on the turbo when we all watch a film. I have downtime in the week as work flexibly he doesn't. I feel it's fair.

There is no way I would have been left with babies or preschoolers though our dc older and good company. Luckily for me he didn't get into this when they were tiny I wouldn't have let him.

CaptainHarville · 04/02/2017 19:18

Can absolutely guarantee that any outsourcing of childcare would be op's responsibility to organise.

My DH has unavoidably been away both last weekend and this weekend. Mixture of family, work and fun. When we chatted this afternoon he said next weekend was mine to do whatever because he recognises being left to do it all alone can be hard work and quite frankly boring. Its especially boring when the baby can't yet speak! OP your DH needs to be left alone with the baby otherwise he'll not understand this.

Original poster
pikapoo · 04/02/2017 19:27

Thanks everyone, I appreciate you all taking time to share your views/experiences.

Unfortunately we've had an argument this evening about it. I was planning to suggest we discuss how often he would take time to cycle going forward, and that I would also take time out on my own... but didn't start the discussion off well and DH got defensive immediately (he'd been out cycling today and I'd been on my own with DC for 8 hours; he didn't understand why I might have any issue with the cycling as, for example, I am going to see a friend tomorrow while leaving DC with him for a few hours). It went downhill from there and I think we're both feeling rather hurt. Doesn't help that DC was whinging in the background. Will wait till we've both calmed down and try again.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/02/2017 19:30

Defensive often means feeling guilty.

KeyserSophie · 04/02/2017 19:32

YANBU. DH and I tag team weekends as we both have hobbies we want to do. I get a half day in the week, so I do mine then as well ( work 3.5 FTE and one day is kids stuff) . Both parents deserve time to do their own thing. So it's not total time he's spending doing the hobby but the fact that you don't get the same time that's the problem.

That said, if he is prepared to reciprocate, and look after the DC the rest of weekend time then I feel YAB a bit U if you want all weekends to be spent all 3 of you together.

It's actually pretty critical that you instill sole parenting by him as early as possible. DH was terrified of DS until he was about 1. I shoved him out the door to 'dad's army' ( Saturday playgroup for dad's and kids) and he was totally fine. Hes at least as competent as me and that's how it has to be if we're ever to get away from the assumption that mother is primary carer.

Fortunately in our social group it's the norm for dads to be doing 50/50 at weekends which definitely helps.

Original poster
pikapoo · 04/02/2017 19:33

I should reiterate that I want him to take time out to cycle etc, it's just about getting a balance that suits us as a family.

As PP have pointed out, don't want to wait till DC gets older (and things get potentially worse) before we hash it out.

I recognise that 'worse' is a matter of perspective. I'm worried about becoming a cycling widow. DH is paranoid about not being able to achieve his cycling goals.

OP posts:
Wait4nothing · 04/02/2017 19:33

Yanbu
I think you need to find something to leave the house to do (even just a mooch around the shops or a coffee) as he needs to realise being left with the baby isn't free time. I think that's his issue as he sees you as having tons of free time as you don't 'go' to work.
I would be saying one weekend a month needs to be hobby free for both of you to enjoy time together - if you can afford it maybe plan some mini trips to look forward to. Then he's down to 3 weekends a month - maybe 2 morning/afternoons and 1 full day would be fairer as you could (if you choose to) do something for yourself in an equivalent amount of time. I would try and get him to add any extra time in the week (early morning or evening when something you want to watch on TVs on)

Wait4nothing · 04/02/2017 19:35

Maybe the trip to see a friend should last 8 hours and he may feel differently when you get back!

museumum · 04/02/2017 19:38

I understand that if you take equal time to him you sacrifice family time but I think you should take equal time for a few weeks, until he gets it. Then sit down and discuss introducing family time and how to make that fit in too.

Original poster
pikapoo · 04/02/2017 19:38

(his cycling goals being a proxy for his physical and mental fitness and sanity)

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/02/2017 19:51

DH is paranoid about not being able to achieve his cycling goals. but not paranoid about missing out on seeing his child...

CotswoldStrife · 04/02/2017 20:00

Does he have any goals as a father?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/02/2017 20:03

"DH got defensive immediately"
Yep. He knows he's in the wrong. If he didn't think that, he'd have been enquiring, maybe a bit oblivious. But defensive? He knows he's in the wrong.

Original poster
pikapoo · 04/02/2017 20:03

He's very hands on as a dad. His job is busy and stressful but he's made sure to be home on time whenever possible. He does most of the cooking at home. Etc etc

This is just as much about me finding my balance I think.

OP posts:
KnittedBlanketHoles · 04/02/2017 20:10

I thought cycling straight away too, once had a bf into it- totally dictated our free time together. Er, no content on how to help your situation though, we just broke up, obviously.

AllTheLight · 04/02/2017 20:17

Don't give up, OP. Wait till everyone has calmed down, take a deep breath and try again. It's good you're going to meet a friend tomorrow - ask DH how he'd feel if you did that every weekend for the entire day.

Surreyblah · 04/02/2017 20:20

Sounds like he thinks parenting is primarily your job and, for him, is secondary to paid work and his hobby.

Surreyblah · 04/02/2017 20:23

If you took equal leisure time at weekends, as would be fair, you would have no time together.

Taking time in the week would be costly as presumably you'd need to organise and pay a nanny or CM ad-hoc. Plus, when you return to work the weekend issue would remain.

Our local leisure centre had a creche, which was brilliant when I was on mat leave with DC1, but that was just for the odd hour.

Original poster
pikapoo · 04/02/2017 20:24

It's good you're going to meet a friend tomorrow - ask DH how he'd feel if you did that every weekend for the entire day.

Thanks - will try this tack. Will also try taking out equivalent "me time" (perhaps will do my sanity some good too) and book in "family time" as well.

OP posts: