To resent our childcare arrangement

[pikapoo]

I suspect I'm BU (please don't flame me!!), and would welcome some perspectives.

Am on maternity leave with 8 month old DC (only child). DH works full time Monday-Friday, often comes home in time for bath and bedtime with our DC. Every month he'll spend maybe 4 weekend days in total (sometimes half day, sometimes full days) pursuing a hobby (to say more would be outing), which takes him out of the house and leaves me looking after DC. He does the same on some weekday evenings once DC is in bed.

Recently we had a chat as I have started to resent looking after DC by myself on weekend days in addition to weekdays (I should add that grandparents live too far away to help with any regularity). I acknowledged that maybe IABU about it, and he said he did feel I was being unfair to him - he works hard during the week, spends 75% of his spare time at home helping with DC/household stuff, and already barely has time to pursue his hobby to the level that he wishes (which has been really affecting his mood).

While occasionally I leave DC with DH for a few hours during the weekend, I don't actually want/need a 'tit for tat' arrangement either.

AIBU to feel a bit resentful and actually quite envious that he is spending time on his hobby while I wish he would spend more time at home helping out with DC and hanging out with us?

Think we have the same Dh tread . He also doesn't do club rides as they take all day and "faff about" Dh back by 11 as gets up mentally early so he doesn't eat into the weekend. He prioritises family time.

That said poor op as her dc tiny currently just not fair. I have girls aged 8 and 10 who love reading and playing together quietly so being left with them for a few hours is hardly wearing. No way would I have put up with excessive cycling in baby and toddler drudge years. Dh just bought me a posh bike so opting for can't beat them join them when weather improves.

It's good for parents to have hobbies /time out tho 4days a month seems s lot as half the weekend

You also want family time

So hire a nanny /babysitter for half a day when dh out cycling - gawd knows why that would out him

And the other half he looks after dc alone for a few hours

The both be refreshed and can spend remaining time with dc as a family ak both of you

I dont think it will work for you to dimp the baby on him all day - it will be a novelty for him and not the drudgery it can be when doing it full time, week in, week out.
He might see your point if you said no cycling for the next 2 months - the baby is entirely his responsibility when he is not physically at work. Because that is what it is like for you.

His babysitter idea is a lazy cop out. He knows you won't do it. But ask him how he sees that panning out when you go back to work. Does the child go to nursery 5 days per week, then get looked after by a babysitter for half the weekend? Will it recognise it's parents when it actually does see you? Because this is the scenario he is suggesting. Hardly hands on.

You haven't been very specific in what exactly the pair of you have agreed to and I suspect it involves him doing much of the same.

Its sad really that he isn't able to put the needs of your baby and you above his own need to cycle. Being a parent is about putting someone else first and your own needs, want and desires do get shelved for a bit.

The baby phase doesn't last forever, does he not even feel the finest bit guilty about buggering off all day? If I worked full time there is no way on this planet I would willingly spend half the wend away from my dd as well, I would feel too guilty for a start.

Prior to our D.C my DP did a hobby that took up every single Saturday. When DT came along we agreed it wasn't fair for him to carry on with it leaving me doing some childcare 6 days a week. It would leave me with only sundays to get anything I needed to do alone which made things hard. I don't think it's U.

Aderyn - I don't think the point of getting him to look after their DC singlehandedly is meant to be some cruel and unusual punishment. If he enjoys doing it - then fantastic. Perhaps he will be up to doing it more often and also will have bonded a bit more with his DC.

DS is a lot older now, but I notice that if I have to go away with work, or a weekend that DH and DS are a lot closer than they were when I left. Generally if I'm around I seem to be some sort of referee/housekeeper, whereas when it's only the 2 of them, they need to figure it out for themselves.

Anyway I hope OP takes the hint, and has a lovely leisurely time with her friend today.

Rookie, I think he needs to exoerience how relentless and lonely it can be to have 100% responsibility. Because that is what the OP has. At the moment he does a little bit and thinks it is okay, so doesn't get why the OP is unhappy. He needs to experience her life, not as a punishment but so he understands how much her life has changed while his has carried on much the same as before.

He has also had 8 months of doing a little bit and it doesn't seem to have made him enjoy the experience so much that he is willing to increase it

Sorry your discussion didn't go well.

Prob best not to do it at the weekend and esp agpfter he's just been out or is going out.

I think lots of men feel 'owed' leisure time when they are free of all responsibilities because they have been at work all week. In their minds, this doesn't include being with the baby who is hard work. They forget that you have been with the baby on your own all week and are as 'owed' as they are.
I knew one wfirend with 3 boys under 5 whose DH refused to get out of bed until 12 on a Saturday because he had been at work all week. In the afternoon he watched or played sport and then would engage with the family for about an hour, but never on his own with the kids and deliberately never got to grips with their routines etc so my friend could never go out. Of course, she was a martyr to it too and allowed it to happen, feeling he was owed because of his hard working week. Hideous.

OP I'm sure your DH loves. You and the kids. It's about him understanding what it's like for you too isn't it....that you aren't to ruin his fun or want to deny him of any pleasure.....but things have changed from child free days and so the balance of leisure and weekends needs re thinking. You can tell him that you absolutely don't want to be telling him what he can and can't do - that isn't your role. You want him to think about the new situation and the implications of his choices and choose for HIMSELF a balance which works for everyone, having understood yours and his needs. Good luck......approach it from the angle of not being critical, but wanting to make it work for you all, so you both get enjoyment from your weekends.

I've left DC with DH, will enjoy seeing my friend for the next several hours while DH potters about with DC (they've gone out I think).

Some PP have raised an interesting point about leaving DC for hours with DH to make him understand what it's like for me during the week. I personally don't feel the need for our split of the childcare to be equal to the minute (and therefore don't expect him to fully empathise with the tedium and difficulties and repetitiveness). Taking Shared Parental Leave wasn't feasible for his work.

That said, I do know a couple who took full Shared Parental Leave, split 50/50 between them (mum and dad took 4 months off together, then mum took another 2 months while dad went back to work, then vice versa). It worked out really well for their relationship as it minimised expectation gaps.

I don't think it needs to be an equal split. But it's immensely beneficial for the father to have experience of doing a full day of childcare solo, on a regular basis. You can do that without SPL. We have.

Bloody cycling! Expensive hobby too (doesn't have to be but men seem to make it so).

However I think it can work with family. DH cycles to and from work each day (admittedly a better option than public transport or car due to heavy traffic) and goes out with a club every few weekends. They start at 7am and are finished by 9.30/10 so not really cutting into family time. He doesn't get time off to recover put it like that!

A few times a year he might do an event. I think this is fair, especially in the summer if it starts/ ends from a NT type place so I can go with a friend and have a picnic.

I think he just needs to cut back, not give up. You need to arrange some cinema/ coffee dates in the evenings with friends.

That sounds good that you're seeing your friend.

When we had 3 teenagers who needed to be driven all over plus twin babies (and we both worked full time) we did advertise for a local sixth former to come in on Saturday mornings for a while. It worked really well. I would never have considered it (or afforded it) with the first 3 children but instead of the twins feeling neglected they had 1 to 2 attention from a doting girl who gave every second of the morning to them and we had time to drive the teenagers around or just read the paper or work. It certainly didn't feel like neglect of the twins actually. They loved it.

Wait till the child grows to school age and gets involved in swimming, football, scouting, etc. and there are meet ups at weekends. What's he going to do, cop out of those, too? Hobbies like this take a backseat when you have young children and you have to compromise a lot.

I like to go hillwalking. A lot. But it's only been in the past year or so that I've been able to manage more than the odd long walk on a weekend and our kids are well into the school years.

OP no one is suggesting that you have equal hobby time for a longer period of time or that your DH takes parental leave. We know that's not what you want. But what your DH needs to understand is that he is a parent not just an employee and weekend MAMIL.

At the minute you're the default parent and he probably thinks he's doing you a grand old favour by letting you go off on your own and see your friend.

You think you're doing the right thing by not rocking the boat and accepting what I would assume are some paltry concessions, but you haven't addressed the fundamental issue. He is the father, he chose to be there for the conception, so he can darned well be there for the parenting and not just for quality high powered short sessions of his choice.

The annoying thing about DCs, particularly when they are small is that they need looking after 24/7. It can be boring. Thankfully some if it can be done when you are asleep. But it should never be assumed to be the default responsibility of one parent only, unless one parent is all there is.

Rookiemere - fair points, he's cutting down the long full-day rides to one a month. And at most a couple of short rides during the week (early morning/after DC is asleep). When we are actually together with DC, the childcare is pretty much 50-50.

Working as the sole providing parent is more stressful than being one of 2 working providing parents. Yes, you work full time looking after a child, but being a SAHP is a choice you made. It's piled the sole pressure to earn on to him, and if you think his brain just "switches off" once he walks out of his place of work each day you're very wrong. He'll be acutely aware of the fact he needs to earn to support himself, you and this little completely dependent being. I don't think 4 days a month for his own hobby and relaxation is unreasonable, selfish or unfair at all. When you become a parent you don't stop being you, you still have your own needs and he clearly needs time to get away, do something he loves that isn't stressing (working all day then being a 50-50 share dad and cleaning etc once he gets home)
He has also suggested a solution for you to have more "me" time too with a babysitter. It's difficult to compare which is "harder" SAHP or sole working earner, because every job and every baby is different. Some babies take reliable naps, are good feeders and are happy to not be held or played with constantly and can entertain themselves for a while, where as others need to be in constant contact, fuss, tantrum etc. some SAHP do get "breaks" throughout the day, where a some sole working earners don't. Some jobs are very demanding, have unrealistic workloads, pressure, unfair hours (I'm looking at you zero hour contracts) are crap pay or don't pay overtime you are required to do, and you're at the mercy of the people you work with, and for, to treat you fairly and not be bullies or otherwise horrible to you.
Since you state you're not actually looking for more time to yourself but just wanting him to not be having time to himself either and spend all the time he's not working having family time, i'm sorry but you're being unreasonable.

She's not a SAH she's on maternity leave with an under one!

AlmostAJillSandwich - thanks for taking the time to comment, I do genuinely appreciate it. I think you actually raise a lot of fair points about the struggles faced by SAHPs and working parents, however as another PP mentioned, I'm on maternity leave with a baby and it's very hard if not impossible to actually ever "switch off" from looking after DC at the moment unless DH or someone else is helping out fully.

You're being excessively accommodating of his needs/wishes to the detriment of your own, why are you being such a push over?

OK so he works full time and what? So do a lot of people but that's not justification for neglecting our responsibilities and not pulling our weight at home; I assume he agreed to have the child and therefore he should be prepared to make sacrifices.

I don't know why you would concede to being unreasonable when in actual fact you are not being unreasonable at all. He basically only has weekends and he spends half of the available time on his hobby, the nature of his hobby is irrelevant.

I really do despair of some of the women on here, so bloody soft and "wishy washy"!

It's very hard not to resent the person who gets to finish a hot drink, talk like an adult all day and pee by themselves no matter how UR it might actually be or how much you are enjoying your time off! So no, YANBU. Could you use a local crèche at your gym or similar so it's only an hour but is still 'you time'? I found this invaluable and affordable with DS1, and will be doing the same with DS2 when he hits 12 weeks. It was short enough that I didn't feel guilty and was great prep for nursery when I went back to work. My DH also switched to getting up earlier for his gym stuff a couple of times a week when I was (sometimes!!) still asleep so didn't impact on family time in the evening. Is this something he could do?

No, its not good enough. You need time for yourself regardless of whether you have a hobby or not. Alternative weekends would be good. You could choose what you do alternate Saturdays. Its unfair as he is regarding you not doing a job as not working, which is absolute nonsense with a small child and housework. Other questions that come to mind also are what about the housework? Does he share that with you? What about spending time as a family? My dh is a 'hobby' type person that did similar. Enjoyed hill walks while i looked after the kids. I told him that i wasn't happy and he altered things and to be honest realised he was taking the piss.

We are another family whose DH's cycling addiction is fitted around the family. He goes 6am-9am Sat and Sunday plus one night in the week 8pm-10pm. Once or twice a year he does a full day. He's horrible if he doesn't exercise enough and TBH I recognise the need if someone is willing to get up and go at 6am on the weekend! Now the DCs are bigger they get up and watch TV early at the weekend and DH gets back in time to bring me a coffee in bed before we start the day... win-win in my book

TBH OP, you sound a little bit like you're too scared to push it with your DH, because if you do, he might not see reason and you'll have to face up to just how selfish he is.

And you'd rather not do that for now.

Which is understandable.

Ok, for me it would depend on how much of his hobby he's given up. If any.

If he's spending the same amount of time on it now that he did before baby arrived, then he needs telling to knock some of it off. It takes two to make a baby and two to bring it up. You both have to contribute to the good as well as the bad.

If he had given some of it up, then you need to decide if an argument is worth it. This period of time with your baby will end, sooner than you think. Before you know it, baby will be starting pre school, the infants, then in a blink of an eye you will be buying blazers and school ties, while discussing exams/jobs/birth control.

So the question is, is the argument worth it?

He used to do one long ride almost every weekend before the baby arrived. And a couple of short rides during the week. It's now been cut down as I mentioned in my previous post. To an extent I want him to be a bit selfish (in the same way I also want to be a bit more selfish about my time and sanity) because I would hate for both of us to lose all "me-time" in deference to our childcare responsibilities - a scenario which just isn't necessarily IMHO.