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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent our childcare arrangement

196 replies

pikapoo · 04/02/2017 15:03

I suspect I'm BU (please don't flame me!!), and would welcome some perspectives.

Am on maternity leave with 8 month old DC (only child). DH works full time Monday-Friday, often comes home in time for bath and bedtime with our DC. Every month he'll spend maybe 4 weekend days in total (sometimes half day, sometimes full days) pursuing a hobby (to say more would be outing), which takes him out of the house and leaves me looking after DC. He does the same on some weekday evenings once DC is in bed.

Recently we had a chat as I have started to resent looking after DC by myself on weekend days in addition to weekdays (I should add that grandparents live too far away to help with any regularity). I acknowledged that maybe IABU about it, and he said he did feel I was being unfair to him - he works hard during the week, spends 75% of his spare time at home helping with DC/household stuff, and already barely has time to pursue his hobby to the level that he wishes (which has been really affecting his mood).

While occasionally I leave DC with DH for a few hours during the weekend, I don't actually want/need a 'tit for tat' arrangement either.

AIBU to feel a bit resentful and actually quite envious that he is spending time on his hobby while I wish he would spend more time at home helping out with DC and hanging out with us?

OP posts:
Mammylamb · 04/02/2017 16:16

This sounds like cycling!

Ooogetyooo · 04/02/2017 16:21

Mmmm... I have an acquaintance who had two dc with her dh and he was into cycling. Never used to see him much at weekends because' he needs to get on his bike' and she needed to let him go do his thing otherwise he was like a wet weekend. I have another friend whose ex h was into golf. Same thing . Men moping and still expecting same level of time to be devoted to hobbies after children come along.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/02/2017 16:23

Yes rookie I forgot to say that this is what makes DHs gym obsession reasonable. You can still have a life, it just has to fit better.

rookiemere · 04/02/2017 16:26

The only small consolation OP is that when you go back to work, you'll be less bothered about going out at the weekends and perhaps will enjoy time on your own with your DC as being easier than having grumpy man child in tow as well.

EurusHolmesViolin · 04/02/2017 16:33

Course you aren't OP. He's taking the piss. A tit for tat arrangement, which it what it would have to be to be fair, would be leaving you with basically no time together as a family.

Although you were BU to refer to him 'helping' with DC and household stuff. It's not helping. It's looking after his own kids and home, and when he's not at work it's as much his responsibility as yours.

Beachcomber · 04/02/2017 16:34

YANBU.

I suspect his behaviour pisses you off being he obviously sees you (and definitely not himself) as the default carer for your child.

You have both had a child - your life has completely changed but his, not so much.

Sounds like selfish manchild behaviour on his part. He needs you to do his share of childcare so that he can do a personal hobby otherwise he gets moody?!
What about you - what about your mood when you are not only to a massive lion's share of childcare already but you are expected to pick up his slack too?

I hope you can get him to see that his behaviour is immature, selfish and sexist. He's a father. He needs to grow up.

Good luck.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 04/02/2017 16:34

You say you don't want tit for tat. However he 'works hard all week' - you don't? He gives 75% of his spare time helping at home - what spare time do you have and how much of it do you give to helping at home? He's a partner and father, this makes it sound as if there's a feeling on his, yours or both of your parts that he's doing you a favour for which you should be grateful, as if what happens at home is your job and it's good of him to 'help'. What percentage of your time is spent on 'me time' while he holds the fort to free you?

What reason does he have for this inequality of expectation?

This time free for his hobby will become the expected norm. When you're back at work, will he be home then to make the most of time with you and family or will you be doing the runs to football, birthday parties, swimming lessons, while he has his hobby time?

TinselTwins · 04/02/2017 16:34

OP have you tried making plans for the other 4 weekend days of the month and telling him he's on his own? If you have and he's not "returned the favour" YANBU, if you haven't, then you are basically resenting thin air!

Starlight2345 · 04/02/2017 16:37

I have to say I assumed cycling..However that is simply the way threads on here usually go.

I am going to ask the question though..IS this a seasonal hobby? Guessing not as posting in Feb. Has he reduced it any since baby is born?

No adjustments would concern me.

I agree baby time doesn't need to be 50/50 but what would you do with the time if you had it..Sometimes it isn't about lone time its time doing things together.

Original poster
pikapoo · 04/02/2017 16:37

Men moping and still expecting same level of time to be devoted to hobbies after children come along.

Ooogetyooo This hits the nail on the head. For all his virtues (and he has many), I think DH falls in the (usually) manly camp of Why can't we outsource optimise our childcare arrangements so we can both enjoy individual pursuits?

His hobby is exercise-related. He's trying hard to persuade me to take it up as well so we can enjoy it as a family with DC - I can see us enjoying it a few years down the line but not right now.

OP posts:
SallyLeStrange · 04/02/2017 16:48

I think you are being unreasonable - and your partner sounds a good man

Give him a break parents are allowed outside hobbies too.

EurusHolmesViolin · 04/02/2017 16:48

Tenner bet his idea of you enjoying the hobby as a family involves him carrying on just the same and you trundling along with DC in some kind of child carrier in the back. Or equivalent if this isn't cycling.

Plus honestly, I know you're first time parents so he can't be expected to know this, but you're actually getting close to the end of what can be a bit of a golden period in terms of baby being portable and easy to ferry around to hobby type things. Once they get mobile, and certainly when they're toddlers, you have to get very lucky to get one who can be trusted to behave at any hobby type thing for a couple of years. So unless his hobby is soft play, I think he's being rather optimistic.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 04/02/2017 16:48

I didn't want 'children' I wanted a family. A family spends time together, doing things together. Sounds to me you've got children a lot more than family. I wouldn't be as understanding as some on here. My DH cycles and he goes early either Sat or Sunday when the kids are at activities. When they were small he went to a spinning class for an hour as I was not prepared to be left holding the baby.

Ooogetyooo · 04/02/2017 16:49

I strongly believe you need to take a stand now. Yeah, he wants you to take up the hobby so then he isn't made to feel guilty about the time away from family. And what happens if your doc aren't interested in the hobby when they get older. You've got years to go before your doc is going to be big enough to get into any serious hobby. Like a previous poster said your next few years ( at weekends) are going to be taken up with parties, play dates, down time after busy week in nursery or school etc.

Ooogetyooo · 04/02/2017 16:50

Dc not doc

EweAreHere · 04/02/2017 16:55

If it's exercise, can he not get up extra early and do an hour in the morning instead? Or do it at his lunch break?

I can't see it going well when you go back to work. Again, you'll both be working days, then he'll want a few evenings and a weekend day ... if you were to take the same, no family time.

He has to readjust 'when' he's doing his exercise to be fair, even if he doesn't want to, if he wants to continue.

Original poster
pikapoo · 04/02/2017 16:56

I give up! I admit it! It's the C word! Blush

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 04/02/2017 16:57

4 weekend days a month is 4 out of 8. That is 50% of weekend time spent doing his own thing. When you become a parent, you don't get to spend half your weekend like that without it impacting on family. You just don't.

It's one the small sacrifices you make. He should cut it back to at least every other weekend and devote some time to being with his family.

Ooogetyooo · 04/02/2017 16:59

This takes me back to a particularly grim time I had with our first DS when he was 2. Dh announced one Saturday he was off to watch footie for the day. I was by that stage beside myself with exhaustion for various reasons whilst dh was at work mon to fri ( and was not exhausted). Dh was told in no uncertain terms was he fucking off leaving me literally holding toddler any longer. He admitted later he just hadn't thought it through. Yes he goes to watch footie regularly but sometimes there comes a point when your previous pre child life stops and reality has to take over.

Ooogetyooo · 04/02/2017 17:01

Bloody cycling I knew it !

EnormousTiger · 04/02/2017 17:02

We did 50/50 at one stage at weekends - he would work on Saturdays and I had the children and then on Sundays we swapped - I worked from home or read the papers etc etc. Worked fine. I recommend it. What you want to do is something different- you don't want the fair arrangement your husband is offering but you want to force him to have less free time even though he is prepared to offer you the same amount of free time.

You want him to want to be home more at weekends. You can't make someone want that extra time with the spouse and child. I love all my 5 children but 3 or 4 hours is my maximum with them (I was back at work full time al ot sooner than you too which obviously helps with ensuring equity and fairness in relationships and I earned a lot more than my children's father)

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 04/02/2017 17:03

I think DH falls in the (usually) manly camp of Why can't we outsource optimise our childcare arrangements so we can both enjoy individual pursuits?

Fine. So his vision is he does his thing, he's fine if you want to go do your thing for 50% of the weekends too, and the children can be stuffed.... somewhere..... and he's not interested in the effect on them or the family as a whole.

Won't happen will it? Because you both know you won't do that to the children. You'll cover his slack. And he'll frame that as your decision, as you had the option to be a selfish arse too get your equal hobby time.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 04/02/2017 17:03

It's so obvious it's cycling. I have known so many cycling widows over the years, it just sucks up so much time! I do know people who make it work for them as they are both into sports and take it in turns to do away events. However, getting you into cycling won't work, he won't want to cycle with slow family for years if he's dedicating that much time to it now, it suggests a dedication that won't be satisfied by a 2 hour potter along a cycle lane with toddlers! Older children may enjoy a cycling holiday or may not, you can't enforce this on them.

I sometimes get the impression that it's the fact they live for their hobby that is the worst bit of it!

Ooogetyooo · 04/02/2017 17:04

We often see swathes of Lycra clad men whizzing through our village in packs in all sorts of weather, it's not just a little jaunt out, it can be all day covering miles and miles. Make a stand op.

DesignedForLife · 04/02/2017 17:04

Knew it was cycling! Buy him a baby seat and send him off and see how he gets on.

Or one of these: www.babboe.co.uk/cargo-bike-big.html?gclid=COjqmJz29tECFY8Q0wod2kEIwA

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