To resent our childcare arrangement

[pikapoo]

I suspect I'm BU (please don't flame me!!), and would welcome some perspectives.

Am on maternity leave with 8 month old DC (only child). DH works full time Monday-Friday, often comes home in time for bath and bedtime with our DC. Every month he'll spend maybe 4 weekend days in total (sometimes half day, sometimes full days) pursuing a hobby (to say more would be outing), which takes him out of the house and leaves me looking after DC. He does the same on some weekday evenings once DC is in bed.

Recently we had a chat as I have started to resent looking after DC by myself on weekend days in addition to weekdays (I should add that grandparents live too far away to help with any regularity). I acknowledged that maybe IABU about it, and he said he did feel I was being unfair to him - he works hard during the week, spends 75% of his spare time at home helping with DC/household stuff, and already barely has time to pursue his hobby to the level that he wishes (which has been really affecting his mood).

While occasionally I leave DC with DH for a few hours during the weekend, I don't actually want/need a 'tit for tat' arrangement either.

AIBU to feel a bit resentful and actually quite envious that he is spending time on his hobby while I wish he would spend more time at home helping out with DC and hanging out with us?

There are at least 8 weekend days per month. That he spends maximum 50% of them on his hobby isn't so bad especially as some of those days are half days and so it's less than 50%. There are also at least 20 weeknights in a month, of which he spends 40% on his hobby.

The rest of the time he is either working or with you two.

That you are with your child during the week is something you are choosing to do - no one is forcing you to remain on maternity leave. Similarly no one is forcing you to forego your own hobbies and interest and indeed there are at least 4 weekend days and at least 12 weeknights available a month for you to do that in.

It isn't his fault that you choose not to pursue a hobby at the evenings and weekends and he does.

YANBU

You work hard all week too, looking after the kids. As pp's have said, you need time to yourself as well - and you all need family time together.

I wouldn't mind my DH taking some time out to himself but I'd be royally pissed off if it was half of every weekend.

Does he cycle to work? My friends DH cycles 25 miles to and 25 miles from work every day. My DH when he gets the chance says the guy is amazing on the hills, the ultimate compliment.

My DH gets up at 7 and goes for 2.5 hours max on either sat or Sunday, why a whole day? That sounds like a 'social' to me. DH now has a spinning class in the week that's an hour as its too dark to cycle, but my kids are older and the get an evening to do my stuff and I run on a Sunday evening.

So I was wrong with my soft play guess then...?

Out of interest, how does he envisage you enjoying this hobby together as a family at the moment? Or in the near future? Because I can't for the life of me see how that's going to work for a while. I guess toddlers might like a short ride in a side carriage well enough, but I'm going to hazard a guess that he's not thinking of being the one to do that.

It isn't his fault that you choose not to pursue a hobby at the evenings and weekends and he does.

But it is his fault, entirely, that he chooses to spend so much weekend time on his hobby that if OP did the same there would be very little time for the 3 of them to have together...

Fine. So his vision is he does his thing, he's fine if you want to go do your thing for 50% of the weekends too, and the children can be stuffed.... somewhere..... and he's not interested in the effect on them or the family as a whole.

Rumbling makes a good point. Because it's not just about my time vs your time when you have a family - because it has an impact on the kids as well. You both have one weekend day a month where you do your own thing? Can work - nice for children to have special time with just one parent. But he's away for half the weekends? Not when you have children!

Cycling does not need 4 days a month. Every other Sunday is fair. If he wants to go more often, he can take the odd day's annual leave and go then. My local cycling group have rides on a few weekdays as well as on Sundays and I have taken the odd weekday off so I can go out with them then. I do wish though that cycling groups would appreciate that not everyone wants to go on 5 hour rides. My group have actually stopped their shorter weekend rides and it's really annoying. I am happy to go out for 2 hours or so with a break for coffee and cake in the middle but it has to be closer to 4, which is why I try to go on the shorter weekday rides. Members of these groups need to make a stand as well as their other halves. You can have a good time without having to be out ALL DAY!

That you are with your child during the week is something you are choosing to do - no one is forcing you to remain on maternity leave.

Um.... dp had no input into this? The child and child care arrangements is 100% OP's choice and department is it? There was I thinking it was probably a joint decision or something, reflecting what they both wanted for their child.

Similarly no one is forcing you to forego your own hobbies and interest and indeed there are at least 4 weekend days and at least 12 weeknights available a month for you to do that in

Mmn. So OP takes her 50% of weekends and he has his 50% of weekends and that's all lovely. That leaves 0% weekend family time, which OP has said she's unhappy with.

My ex bastard H spent every bloody weekend on his hobbies. Not bloody acceptable once you have children and a wife. Tell him to save the hobbies until he retires.

And tell him to cycle to work or part of it.

YANBU - four days in total per month is too much. How about 2 days per month - would that work as a compromise?

Cycling! How on earth was that "outing"?

I don't understand the problem - he isn't saying that you can't go out/have a hobby/ nights out with friends?

My DH is a very keen cyclist, but he knocked it on the head when DS was younger possibly because I nearly tore his head off once.

Why don't you suggest a turbo-trainer to him? No, he doesn't get to go out on the road, but he can keep his fitness levels up until such times as real life allows me-time again. DH still uses his in winter when it's too windy to go out. They come with software to run on your PC to do particular routes, compete against a digital cyclist.

Ooh, and DH has suggested ZWIFT (zwift.com). It's sort of like an online multi-player game for cyclists. You can invite your cycling buddies to compete against you on particular routes.

OPs problem is that DHs solution to the issue is, rather than him changing his behaviour, for them to have very little family time together. And also that him having to stick to only 4 weekend days a month of cycling is already really affecting his mood. Which she then has to put up with.

Posters who can't see the problem, do you spend no time together as a family then? Like Tiger, one parent does Saturday and one does Sunday, at no time do you all go out for the day as a family?

There is no way cycling is outing either OP

I will go against the grain here and say as your child grows if you are both having hobbies and working ft the poor child will have no family time at all, and you and dh will have no time together either.
I think you both need to talk about where your priorities lie as your child grows, and your dh will have to make sacrifices for his family.
I think it's pretty bad that he doesn't want to be a father and you are having this problem in the first place.

When our children were young, we had so many great weekends together. Dh and I were equally responsible for childcare and we both managed to get some down time too. We have so many fantastic memories - camping, beach days, walks, picnics, swimming, bike riding, forests, den building, etc. All the fun stuff that is only fun when you all do it together.

He is going to miss out on so much and your ds is too if you don't get this sorted soon.

I think I'm in a MN minority as I would be OK for my DH to do this. I think your DHs suggestion of getting a sitter is reasonable too! If you don't even want to try a sitter then that's your choice IYSWIM I also think it's a shame you won't take out time to do things on your own and leave you baby with your husband. It might be good for them and for you.

I think four days a month is at the top end of what I'd feel was ok though. I'd also hope that the days weren't full days.

I found 8 months a lovely age to be home with my DC. I know they were hard work at times but I could get out and about easily and I could meet up with friends. I found it a million times more fun than working, I know that not the case for everyone but that was my experience.

Why can't we outsource optimise our childcare arrangements so we can both enjoy individual pursuits?

Not sure why this is a 'man' thing. I'm a woman and it seems logical to me. It was always really important right from when our pfb arrived, that I had some time to just be 'me'. Doesn't matter what it is you do, IMO - mine wasn't anything so beneficial to my fitness as a sport, but it's really important for my health to have that time. As and when both parents try to do something, and then decide they are spending more time apart than they would like, then they can look again and readjust, but at the moment, the OP is just saying 'no, I don't need more help, no, I don't want to do anything myself, but I just don't want you to do something you enjoy (and is also good for your health)'.

I don t agree that you both need t have exactly equal 'time off' at the weekend...no need for calculating it to the nth minute, but the balance does need to shift.

You both need some 'me' time, plus you need time as a family. Sit down and talk about where the right balance lies...so he feels he gets to pursue his hobby,my , you get some time, plus you enjoy your time together.

Would it be possible for him to just do 1 full day of the hobby per month, plus another half day or couple of half days? If you also had a day a month and a half day, that leaves at least 4 days left (1 per weekend) to be together. Personally, I'd want more family time and wouldn't need full days off very frequently, but a couple of hours in bed,mor in a coffee shop are nice..

I had a similar discussion with my DH when kids were small. His hobby required going away for weekends or whole weeks because it couldn't be done locally, so that involved some dispute. It was hard because he loved it and I knew he did and I wanted him to be able to do it and he wasn't wanting to be away all the time doing it, but found the adjustment to being a parent and loss of freedom pretty hard with a new baby, who to be honest, neither of us found very rewarding. It was made more difficult by the fact I didn't have a hobby....so any 'me' time would be spent in bed, at the shops or in coffee shops on my own or with a friend. We came to agree that if those were my choices they were equally worthy as the hobby, even if they weren't something so specific.

In the end, I think we agreed it was reasonable for him to have 3 weekends per year, plus a short week (4 or 5 days) away. He knew I found being at home at the weekend hard and didn't ask to do more even when he had invitations from friends to go on fun weekends. Many of my friends thought he was away too much and they would never 'allow' their DH to go away so much or at all....however, it wasn't about 'allowing' for me. I wanted him to reach a decision about what was reasonable and fair for us all, that HE had opted into,mrather than being told, which causes resentment. I couldn't bear it when I heard other men talk about being given a 'pass for the weekend' as if they had no say over their lesidure time, which also implied that their wives were old bags, who the rest of the time didn't let them out.

It's all about you working and discussing together and finding compromises you can both buy into, for this new stage of life. Babies are hard and everyone needs some time off and away for their own sanity. More than ever tough, you also have to think about each other and not just yourself. It's hard.

I think your DHs suggestion of getting a sitter is reasonable too

....but what's that like for the child involved? What about family time for him, that he would benefit from/enjoy?

As and when both parents try to do something, and then decide they are spending more time apart than they would like, then they can look again and readjust, but at the moment, the OP is just saying 'no, I don't need more help, no, I don't want to do anything myself, but I just don't want you to do something you enjoy (and is also good for your health)'.

No she isn't. She already sometimes leaves their DC with DH at weekends. Just not as much as he does. She is also not, by any stretch of the imagination, saying she doesn't want him to do cycling. She is saying she doesn't want him to do it as much, which isn't the same thing at all.

I have had exactely the same issue than you pikapoo.
DH wanted to carry in with his hobby the same way, was happy for me to have time away except that my idea of some 'me' time was to spend time together. Which then meant I was still the one responsible for everything, I was the one who was supposed to plan for things we could all do together etc.. or that time was becoming time at home which wasn't relaxing time together iyswim.

And yes I was also very happy to say that it is normal that he could carry on with his hobbies and so on.

What I have learnt is that I need to take more control over that 'me' time.
First of all by actually ensuring I was having some time for myself on my own. So doing what I wanted and putting myself first the same way that DH was happy to put himself first. Otherwise I was always bottom of the pile.
Then to make it clear that there was a need to have some time together as a family. NOT the time spent doing the washing or the DIY at home. But some time spent together as a family doing something that we all enjoyed.
And again NO, not his hobby either (unless unless are really keen about it of course. But don't force yourself to be jolly about it just to have the 'chance' to finally spent time together. He should WANT to spend time with your and your DC!!!).

There is no way he can carry on doing his hobby the same way with a child than he was doing wo a child.
I am sure that you have changed the way you are relaxing and the type of hobby yu have, seing friends and so on.
Why not asking and expecting the same from him as a father??

Dh and I both ride. Except for rare events of which we each do 4 or so a year, we never get while day rides anymore.
At the weekend we do sparate rides sat morning and sun morning and family stuff from lunchtime onwards.
Tomorrow we have family social stuff from 11 till bedtime so dh is nipping out at 7am.