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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent our childcare arrangement

196 replies

pikapoo · 04/02/2017 15:03

I suspect I'm BU (please don't flame me!!), and would welcome some perspectives.

Am on maternity leave with 8 month old DC (only child). DH works full time Monday-Friday, often comes home in time for bath and bedtime with our DC. Every month he'll spend maybe 4 weekend days in total (sometimes half day, sometimes full days) pursuing a hobby (to say more would be outing), which takes him out of the house and leaves me looking after DC. He does the same on some weekday evenings once DC is in bed.

Recently we had a chat as I have started to resent looking after DC by myself on weekend days in addition to weekdays (I should add that grandparents live too far away to help with any regularity). I acknowledged that maybe IABU about it, and he said he did feel I was being unfair to him - he works hard during the week, spends 75% of his spare time at home helping with DC/household stuff, and already barely has time to pursue his hobby to the level that he wishes (which has been really affecting his mood).

While occasionally I leave DC with DH for a few hours during the weekend, I don't actually want/need a 'tit for tat' arrangement either.

AIBU to feel a bit resentful and actually quite envious that he is spending time on his hobby while I wish he would spend more time at home helping out with DC and hanging out with us?

OP posts:
EurusHolmesViolin · 04/02/2017 20:44

Quite right that you need to address this now before it becomes the norm. There's another post tonight from someone whose kids are older and who's become a football widow, her DH takes every Saturday (home and away) plus Wednesdays. So she can never book anything in on a Saturday. Part of the reason she is having trouble tackling it is because it's gone on like this for years. Once the behaviour is entrenched, it becomes a lot more difficult to challenge.

FirstShinyRobe · 04/02/2017 20:45

He has to have a long stretch of looking after his son on his own, not just a couple of hours.

I'm not sure that cycling goals are compatible with being a good father and husband in the small child years, particularly if they haven't been discussed and a way worked out to achieve them and also not take advantage of another person's hitherto good nature.

Bodicea · 04/02/2017 20:46

I am all for hobbies but 50% of your weekend time on it is too much. I presume he also occasionally takes time to see his friends/have nights out etc. Therefore it adds up to even more time to himself and away from his child.
I would be asking why he had a child if he doesn't want to spend his free time with them?
Also your dc is still very young. Pretty soon there will be their weekend hobbies to consider such as swimming lessons/ football etc. Is dh expecting you to do all that on your own?
He has to accept that once he has become a dad his hobbies take a back seat and he has to put his family first.
My hobbies have pretty much gone by the wayside. I used to do loads but I don't mind as I now do loads with the kids: days out etc and I cherish these times. Plenty of time to go back to my hobbies in the future when they have flown the nest. Dh thinks the same way. Yes he still plays the odd bit of golf/ sees his mates/ goes to gigs etc. But the majority of his weekend is for time with the family.

Closetlibrarian · 04/02/2017 20:49

I haven't read all the response. But my thoughts

  • We went through similar 'teething' problems as new parents. Both struggled with the concept that there wasn't enough time in the week for us both to have desired amount of 'me time' and spend time as a family. DH disappeared for a day when DC1 was about 2 weeks old to run a marathon because we though, when I was pregnant, that life could carry on as normal. Ha ha ha ha ha.
  • This will work itself out. Probably. As you both he get used to the massive amount of compromise that is involved in becoming a parent
  • A perspective from the other side. I'm now the full-time worker and my DH is PT/SAHD. I get about 1 hr of 'me time' on the weekends when I do an exercise class. I'd love more time to myself. I work hard and I could do with not spending the weekend negotiating with tiny, yet adorable, terrorists. I used to do triathlon, but I've long since waved that part of my life bye-bye as there is no way I could fit in the training in a way that would be reasonable or considerate to my DH and kids. DH would love to spend most of the weekend running and reading the newspaper. We can't. We have kids. So instead we each get a small amount of 'me time' (a few hours each) at the weekend and spend the rest of the time as a family playing bloody make believe
  • The time will come once again, when our kids are a bit older, that we can pursue our individual hobbies with more gusto. Until then, this will do.

So, I don't think YABU at all. Tell DH that the time will come soon that he can cycle with the regularity he used to. Until then, buy a turbo trainer.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 04/02/2017 20:49

So he gets defensive because his 8 hours of cycling somehow equals a few hours of you seeing a friend tomorrow? If he had to spend all day during the week with a baby, then half the weekends, he would soon complain. What about your mental health? Mine was shite when I was home alone with my PFB.

He isn't spending 75% of his free time with his family is he, he is spending 50% of the weekends on himself and during the week presumably the baby is in bed in the evenings so he spends what, 2 hours at the most with your child? Obviously not including when he actually goes cycling!

You never hear of mothers fucking off for all this me time when they have children, always the fathers who 'need' it and the mother basically has to suck it up or they start moaning. YANBU. He needs to get his priorities straight and it ain't cycling.

Oldraver · 04/02/2017 20:53

He's out for 8 hours cycling...where does he go Timbuk-friggin-too ?

You should really stretch your few hours out tomorrow

NataliaOsipova · 04/02/2017 20:53

I'm not sure that cycling goals are compatible with being a good father and husband in the small child years

I agree with this. I have a hobby/interest which is now shared by DC1 and, to a lesser extent, by DC2. So I'm able to do more of it - with one or both of them - now they are bigger. It isn't something one can do with a baby/toddler in tow, so while they were very small, it was a "once every few months" thing. Because being a parent comes first.....

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 04/02/2017 21:01

YANBU at all, did you not have a conversation along the lines of 'this buggering off every wend will obviously have to stop once the baby is here?!'

Its very annoying when dads (generalisation I know) seem to think that their lives can carry on as normal despite the fact that the mums has change in every respect forever!

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 04/02/2017 21:16

He's taking the piss. If it was just a few hours in the morning then maybe not so bad but 8 hours?? That's longer than a tdf stage.

And what about kids activities, parties etc that will inevitably increase as they get older. Will the OP have to juggle all of that on her own too?

waterrat · 04/02/2017 21:29

The problem here is thst the man always says...oh you get a hobby too...but there is simply no way that the family could function if the mother took such a large amount of regular time off for a hobby.

And just as importantly what the mother wants is family time - not just a swap so one parent is always off doing something.

The OP shouldn't have to manufacture a hobby yo get her husband to do his share of parenting. He is opting out whenever he feels like it and she simply can't.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 04/02/2017 21:35

(his cycling goals being a proxy for his physical and mental fitness and sanity)

Argh, I've been hearing this at the back of my mind since I started reading this thread

Original poster
pikapoo · 04/02/2017 21:37

I could do with not spending the weekend negotiating with tiny, yet adorable, terrorists.

^this. To the PP asking why have kids - I admit we never realised just how tedious parenting can be. Both of us agree on this... I think you can want to have a baby without necessarily loving the painful tedious bits (of which there are several in these early months).

OP posts:
Original poster
pikapoo · 04/02/2017 21:41

If it was just a few hours in the morning then maybe not so bad but 8 hours?? That's longer than a tdf stage.
He does very long rides, I'm actually pretty proud of him in that regard! Grin

OP posts:
dontcallmethatyoucunt · 04/02/2017 21:43

Exactly, so make sure you share the tedious shit.... not suck it up while he's out on his fucking bike. You'd have more time 'off' as a single parent.

Bodicea · 04/02/2017 21:47

I suspect that once dc is a bit older her will be more interested in doing stuff with them or at least I hope. Dh loves taking ds to the train station/ airport/ museum etc and loves asking him taking an interest in sport.
He did find the baby stage a bit dull.

Original poster
pikapoo · 04/02/2017 21:49

Update - we tried to have the conversation again (after DC went to bed). It went well, he hadn't realised how affected I was by these 'weekend solo shifts', while I also realised I'd over-estimated how much time he actually spends cycling. We've come to an agreement on "me time" for each of us. I also flagged some of the points that have been raised on this thread around "family time". Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
pikapoo · 04/02/2017 21:50

Bodicea - that's exactly what DH thinks

OP posts:
dontcallmethatyoucunt · 04/02/2017 22:02

The baby stage is dull..it's dull for everyone though, not just bloody men.

Pinbasket · 04/02/2017 22:05

DH is paranoid about not being able to achieve his cycling goals.
Well he would be, wouldn't he? He's fighting for control and power to not have to consider anyone elses needs or feeling.
He needs to do some solo childcare for a day each weekend for a few weeks, then he may be ready to discuss the situation from a more realistic and informed point of view. Otherwise you will have grief with this for the next sixteen years
No time like the present! Stay out all day tomorrow!

Nongoddess · 04/02/2017 22:11

eurusholmesviolin it's a while ago now but I'm still laughing at your comment about it being hard to involve a toddler "unless his hobby is soft play". How useful would that be in a DP? If just slightly suspect....

JamieXeed74 · 04/02/2017 22:16

If he gets half the weekends for his 'hobbie' and you half, it seems fair.

Original poster
pikapoo · 04/02/2017 22:22

Nongoddess soft play Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
pikapoo · 04/02/2017 22:24

EurusHolmesViolin - just seen that football widow thread... terrifyingConfused

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/02/2017 22:47

Married to a MAMIL too. It's in my interests that he cycles. He's much more 😎 chilled.

He bloody pulls his weight though. He's out one morning on a weekend and goes EARLY so he's back by 11.30 after 70 miles or so. He rides with a mate as the cycling clubs go out so late it takes all bleddy day. During the week he commutes by bike so no skin off my nose. If he was off several evenings a week I would see the dark side though.

He hits the kitchen on a Saturday night and preps all the food for Sunday. Worst case I have to shove a roast in the oven 20 mins before he gets in. He takes over and gets a family lunch on the table and is usually hands on, on the other weekend morning. Poor guy never has a lie in 😀 He does some sort of event about twice a year and an annual cycling weekend. I have no issue with that.

The baby stage is boring imo. I found it pretty lonely too. I didn't feel like me and I never seemed to have anything interesting to say .

Bollocks to taking it up too. He's losing the plot if he thinks he's going cycling at any sort of speed with kids much before their teens.

Find yourself a hobby, an outlet of some sort with an eye to the next 10-12 years but your DH needs to pick up the time alone with your DC. A good babysitter is not the answer but it also sounds like you both probably need to get out together for some adult time to reconnect a little so I would find one regardless.

EweAreHere · 04/02/2017 22:47

This isn't much different than the football widow thread.

While I'm glad you think you've come to an agreement, OP, I still bet he doesn't truly get that he's dumping what he views as the 'dull' stage on you to deal with for half the weekends.

If you were to take the next 4-6 Sundays off entirely and leave him in charge of the baby and home for a full 8 hours, then he might start to get a sense of what it's like for you.

You work too all week. Taking care of a baby is work. So you're doing a lot more of the 'dull' work than he is.