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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I might BU... dinner/childcare related

178 replies

Xuli · 03/02/2017 20:05

We have two DC, 5y and 3m.

DH does all the cooking in the house. He does it because he enjoys cooking, and enjoys nice food. On a weekend we eat as a family, but on most week nights he is at work and so me and him eat at about 8 once the kids are in bed. 5yo either eats at afterschool club or has left overs from our meal the day before.

DH cooks from scratch about 95% of the time. As in, he makes his own sauces, marinades, spice mixes etc, makes bread fresh, that sort of thing. So even if we have a relatively simple meal like grilled chicken and pittas, there's still faffing around making the spice mix and the pitta bread.

I can't really cook. I mean, I can not poison us all but it's not something I enjoy doing and as DH has done almost all of the cooking for years, I've fallen even more out of practice.

The issue is that I have to do bedtime with both kids quite regularly due to his shifts, so when he is at home I'd appreciate some help some nights. He means to help, but gets carried away cooking and then somehow I end up doing most things because the baby is crying or something.

The logic answer is to swap cooking and childcare responsibilities - BUT because I'm not a great cook and he likes fresh made food, this isn't much of an option. I can't imagine how long it would take me to follow one of his recipes, and he won't lower his 'standards' and have a jacket potato etc one night. Delaying his cooking until after the kids are bed would probably mean not eating until 9.

This is driving me barmy. We've talked about it and he understands why it frustrates me at bedtime and says he'll help, but then still ends up faffing around and I end up juggling the 5yo and the baby yet again. But - another but - I know I'm probably being U because I am fortunate to get lovely home cooked food served up most nights, without me doing any thinking, planning or cooking.

Sigh. Should I just suck up doing bedtimes myself?

OP posts:
NarkyMcDinkyChops · 04/02/2017 11:02

A man who does all the cooking and apparently that's unreasonable. Standard Mumsnet

I don't think a lot of people understand. His cooking is basically a hobby, not a chore, because of how he CHOOSES to do it. He is avoiding the crappy bits of childcare and routine by spending lots of time doing something he enjoys.
I could easily spend hours in the kitchen enjoying myself making bread and marinades etc while DH does everything else, but a)that would be monumentally selfish and b) he wouldn't let me away with it.

MrsHathaway · 04/02/2017 11:04

Cooking fancy is a hobby, so the difference in time between that and a quick fresh plain meal (eg proper carbonara or grilled chicken with spinach) is hobby time.

Sounds like he gets something like ten hours a week to spend on his hobby. Do we think OP gets ten hours a week childfree for her hobby?

BorrowedHeart · 04/02/2017 13:04

You've already said he wakes in the night, spends time with the kids once he is home, and he doesn't cook like this every evening so I'm guessing he helps out on those evenings. You are making life ridiculously hard by bathing them every night, also not good for children's skin but each to their own I guess. He works long, spends time with his kids, cleans up and makes lovely dinners every night for you. Not sure I'm seeing the issue here.

SheldonCRules · 04/02/2017 13:42

Borrowed, apparently cooking is now a hobby and he's only doing it to get out of putting the children to bed.

Bedtime isn't exactly hard work.

Can you imagine if he was the non working parent and expected his wife to work all day, entertain the kids when home, cook the evening meal and get up with them in the night. He would be hung to dry.

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2017 13:50

i can most certainly see the OP's point, but I do hate people describing putting children to bed being as "shit work" or "hard shit"............

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 04/02/2017 14:01

Borrowed, apparently cooking is now a hobby and he's only doing it to get out of putting the children to bed

It is when you make it one. He's turning it into a big deal, because he enjoys it, and she gets to do all the crappy bits.

Bedtime isn't exactly hard work

Maybe for you it isn't!

SheldonCRules · 04/02/2017 14:06

Why is putting your own children to bed "crappy"? Getting into pjs, having snuggles and a story is a lovely very evening event. Begrudging putting your own children to bed is selfish, it's not a chore.

ClusterFuckTadpole · 04/02/2017 14:07

OP I'm guilty of doing what your husband does from time to time to escape the childcare! A complete swap some evenings works. Get an instant pot (pressure and slow cooker) it's very quick and very good and has many dedicated recipes you can find through Google

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2017 14:09

"she gets to do all the crappy bits"

Is putting children to bed a "crappy bit"?

I love cooking, but I know lots of people who would call that a "crappy bit"

The issue is that he is refusing to compromise at all. Not who is doing "the crappy bit"

BorrowedHeart · 04/02/2017 14:10

sheldon I have to admit bed time for my first was so hard, she was 18 months old when trying to stop co sleeping (I wanted to stretch out in bed and actually have my partner there lol) and it was a night mare l, screaming for hours I was also 39 weeks pregnant etc, it was so hard, however my partner did the cooking and general tidying so I was ok to do every night. I think op should continue to do bedtime every night while the partner cooks every night, they are doing equal jobs. I like cooking, doesn't make it any less stressful or a faff but I do it because I like good meals. I'm not sure what mumsnet expects from men on a day to day, it seems to change all the time.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 04/02/2017 14:17

Getting into pjs, having snuggles and a story is a lovely very evening event. Begrudging putting your own children to bed is selfish, it's not a chore

Aw, its the Precious Moments Sancti-Mommies, come to tell us to appreciate every moment! And unable to appreciate that other people may have different circumstances.

Take my "lovely bed time routine" and see how fucking lovely an event that is. Where would you like to start, with the bathing and creaming and wrapping of the child with eczema, or the medicating and calming of the child with epilepsy, both while breastfeeding the teething baby and trying to help the older child who is stressing about exam prep?
Would you like to do all that by yourself every night while your OH spends a few hours having a lovely time making fresh bread and listening to the radio?

Here's a thought: maybe for some people it is a crappy bit sometimes.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 04/02/2017 14:18

Good to know I'm selfish, btw. Thanks for that.

hellomarshmallow · 04/02/2017 14:23

Bedtime was a nightmare for years, and is still tough at times. I think it very much depends on your DC, not what you do!

YANBU. I used to be a single mum too and now appreciate help at bedtime rather than any cooking. Cooking is fun and creative if you enjoy it(as your DP does); bedtime can be so much hard work!

Original poster
Xuli · 04/02/2017 14:25

I know it's very much a first world problem.

There's been some good ideas for compromises and changes to our routine here so we will have a chat about them.

I love putting the kids to bed most nights - but juggling two at the same time is sometimes quite stressful and I have enough evenings doing it myself when he's on a late shift!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 04/02/2017 14:35

"Here's a thought: maybe for some people it is a crappy bit sometimes."

Absolutely. But I must have missed the post where the OP said that bed times were particularly difficult in her house. In your circumstances then yes, all hands to the pump and then beans on toast made by anyone who has the energy. In the OP's case where it's an hour start to finish? Not so much. But the lack of a willingness to compromise on her dp's part is the issue that needs to be dealt with. And his preciousness about meals. Grinding one lot of spices every time? Purhlease!

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 04/02/2017 14:38

But I must have missed the post where the OP said that bed times were particularly difficult in her house

She didn't say either way, so why assume its a lovely lovely thing every day? An hour is long enough, you don't know whether thats a lovely hour or an awful hour. There are a lot of people struggling with it for any number of reasons. And if it was something she relished doing on her own every night, she wouldn't have posted in the first place.

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2017 14:41

No. something can be lovely but not something you want to do every night.

Original poster
Xuli · 04/02/2017 14:47

Bedtime isn't dire, but obviously juggling a 3mo and a 5yo isn't always plain sailing. And as I said, I do it on my own quite a bit anyway due to his shifts so sometimes I don't like doing it on my own again when he is in the house too.

OP posts:
Graphista · 04/02/2017 15:08

Yanbu and I agree the sancti-mommies need to have a bit more empathy and compassion (plus I don't believe bedtime is easy and lovely every single night for 16+ years!)

So to summarise:

He's using it as a hobby/excuse to get out of doing bedtimes which he likely enjoys less than cooking.

There's absolutely no reason why he can't:

Eat perfectly good simply prepared but still healthy unprocessed food made by op.

Batch cook his artisanal poncey meals and they can be frozen to be reheated on his bedtime nights

Learn some quick simple recipes

Prep for the following day - I too am normally a cook from scratch person but plenty can be prepped in advance and some things are BETTER if prepped in advance, especially marinated food, flavoured sauces, soups, casseroles...

You could try appealing to his ego, the BEST chefs don't NEED to add a lot of flavouring/other ingredients, the best chefs can create a delicious simply cooked dish in 15-30 mins with simple/pre-prepped ingredients, it's what happens in restaurants/hotels.

But in terms of the relationship dynamics I'd love to know what his reaction would be/is if he gets home and you just ANNOUNCE you've already made dinner nothing for him to do there but he is putting the kids to bed. Sadly I think he would not be happy!

He'd be stuffed cooking for my dd! Can't eat spices, strong herbs, citrus or tomatoes (ibs), doesn't like potatoes or rice, or chocolate, mainly likes plain well cooked food like stew and dumplings, stir fry (just a little soy sauce for flavour) with noodles or cous cous, pies, savoury mince, home made soup, pasta dishes (but not too much garlic, creamy sauces as can't have tomatoes).

How on earth would he cope with a child with a medical condition or special needs that affected their diet? Or if you developed one?

And as pp have said how would he cope if you were ill and he had to take over all care of the children?

And I agree making bread from scratch while the children are so little is RIDICULOUS!

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2017 15:21

That is such a horrible expression. Ugh.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 04/02/2017 15:24

Not as horrible as the shitty sentiments that make someone use the term.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 04/02/2017 15:25

Getting into pjs, having snuggles and a story is a lovely very evening event. Begrudging putting your own children to bed is selfish, it's not a chore

See, shitty AND Sancti-Mommie.

BertrandRussell · 04/02/2017 15:28

So you have special circumstances which make bed time really hard for you. The OP doesn't but anyone suggesting that bed time may not be a "shit job" is a "sancti-mommy"? Riiiight........

MrsHathaway · 04/02/2017 15:55

If bedtime is lovely bonding time then surely that's all the more reason gastrohub should be getting involved!

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 04/02/2017 16:02

So you have special circumstances which make bed time really hard for you. The OP doesn't but anyone suggesting that bed time may not be a "shit job" is a "sancti-mommy"? Riiiight.....

Is that what I said? No. Did you not bother to read the quote?
I do not have special circumstances, I have a my own, same as everyone else. Some harder, some easier. NONE of which should be judged by whichever wanker posted that those of us who don't see it as lovely bonding exercise every fucking night are "selfish".

Do you agree with her? Am I selfish for finding it a chore? Is everyone else who sometimes finds it a chore?
She is a rude insufferable sancti-mommie. And if you agree with her, so are you.