Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I might BU... dinner/childcare related

178 replies

Xuli · 03/02/2017 20:05

We have two DC, 5y and 3m.

DH does all the cooking in the house. He does it because he enjoys cooking, and enjoys nice food. On a weekend we eat as a family, but on most week nights he is at work and so me and him eat at about 8 once the kids are in bed. 5yo either eats at afterschool club or has left overs from our meal the day before.

DH cooks from scratch about 95% of the time. As in, he makes his own sauces, marinades, spice mixes etc, makes bread fresh, that sort of thing. So even if we have a relatively simple meal like grilled chicken and pittas, there's still faffing around making the spice mix and the pitta bread.

I can't really cook. I mean, I can not poison us all but it's not something I enjoy doing and as DH has done almost all of the cooking for years, I've fallen even more out of practice.

The issue is that I have to do bedtime with both kids quite regularly due to his shifts, so when he is at home I'd appreciate some help some nights. He means to help, but gets carried away cooking and then somehow I end up doing most things because the baby is crying or something.

The logic answer is to swap cooking and childcare responsibilities - BUT because I'm not a great cook and he likes fresh made food, this isn't much of an option. I can't imagine how long it would take me to follow one of his recipes, and he won't lower his 'standards' and have a jacket potato etc one night. Delaying his cooking until after the kids are bed would probably mean not eating until 9.

This is driving me barmy. We've talked about it and he understands why it frustrates me at bedtime and says he'll help, but then still ends up faffing around and I end up juggling the 5yo and the baby yet again. But - another but - I know I'm probably being U because I am fortunate to get lovely home cooked food served up most nights, without me doing any thinking, planning or cooking.

Sigh. Should I just suck up doing bedtimes myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
Xuli · 03/02/2017 21:43

George, that's where it falls down. He doesn't like to eat processed food. I don't really blame him, it is much nicer made fresh.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/02/2017 21:43

Beans on toast is a perfectly adequate midweek dinner when you have 2 kids to wrangle into bed

It's not a LTB offence, but he is deffo taking the piss

He might as well be at the gym, playing golf or down the pub, tbh. I would approach it from that angle

GeorgeTheHamster · 03/02/2017 21:55

Of course it's much nicer made fresh. But it's much nicer not to have to do bedtime on your own every night too.

footballmum · 03/02/2017 21:55

What would happen if you just took matters into your own hands, cooked a meal during the day so that it was ready when he came home and he was then free to do the bedtime routine? I'm not suggesting every night, particularly as he enjoys cooking so much but two or three nights a week wouldn't be too bad would it?

user1477282676 · 03/02/2017 21:56

So is he incapable of making more than needed OP? All he has to do is make some, freeze some. Make him either do that or you cook. He's not the fucking boss!

Things like this give me the rage.

DameDeDoubtance · 03/02/2017 21:57

Who cleans up after he has cooked?

SheldonCRules · 03/02/2017 21:58

So you want him to go to work all day, take over with the kids when he's home, do bedtime then a quick 20 minute meal .....

AnyFucker · 03/02/2017 21:59

That's not what she said at all, sheldon

Want2bSupermum · 03/02/2017 22:01

My DH is like yours OP. During my leave I told DH I wanted to have a chance to cook dinner and took over. I hid a bunch of precooked meals in the freezer. When he came home something was on the stove ready to go.

A day before I went back to work I told DH that I had not cooked one single meal during the week fresh. He was horrified that I had lied to him and I told him to check out the big ego of his that was stealing oxygen from me.

We continue to have huge arguments about the dishes. DH has this notion that if he cooks I should always clean up. When I cook I clean up as I go along. This week I have been working until 11pm, home for as late as 12:30pm and on Sunday night I worked until 3am. I don't have the capacity to do his fucking dishes so rinse them with the hose that pops out of tap and leave them in the sink for him to put away. It has been 8 years of this. It started the day after we got married.

Phineyj · 03/02/2017 22:01

Have just read this to DH. He says, 'this guy is good!!' YANBU

FunnysInLaJardin · 03/02/2017 22:02

If you hang on for long enough, bedtimes are dead easy and the cooking is the hard bit. I know as I cook and DH does bedtime. We have always done it this way and now DH gets the easy ride!

EweAreHere · 03/02/2017 22:05

Yanbu.

He's avoiding the slog work by hiding in the kitchen doing his hobby/passion. You don't need a 'passion' meal every night. You need help with the baby and small child. Tell him to lower his 'standards' and start helping more with the drudgery of childcare in the evenings.

Original poster
Xuli · 03/02/2017 22:07

Funny, I think there's a big element of this. Bedtime was easy and as I got home after DH, he had his time with 5yo then and I did bedtime.

Essentially we've just not readjusted since the baby turned up.

OP posts:
Oly5 · 03/02/2017 22:07

He's being selfish and opting out of the rubbish chores to do sometimes he enjoys - making naan bread.
I'd tell him that from now on you need to share bath time and then you'll share cooking - you can be his sous chef and do the chopping etc. He's also missing out on his kids by not doing bath time and books.
I would be putting my foot down.

jaggythistle · 03/02/2017 22:07

My dh is like this, but even he will make curry a fair bit that he can batch freeze or chuck a pizza in the oven occasionally.

The amount of time he spends on prep/cooking does my nut tbh. I used to do all the cooking pre-DC and was not that bad/unadventurous, but he's a bit sniffy at my attempts if I'm ever allowed in. ...

I actually have beans on toast or macaroni cheese or something if he's ever out and it's just me with the DC, as I'm keen for a quick simple tea sometimes!Grin

Helloitsme87 · 03/02/2017 22:10

Sewing isn't a necessity in life.... food is. I love cooking but can't always be bothered. My point is, why are people vilifying this man for helping out.... OP has said herself, she doesn't cook. So what's the problem. One does one and the other does the other. Better than having to do bedtime AND cook.

puglife15 · 03/02/2017 22:11

YANBU. YANBU. YANBU.

He's being self indulgent and slightly ridiculous. Your have two children including a newborn who need time and attention. Baby mightn't always be this easy either.

Yes it must be lovely to have a great cook in the house, but even chefs don't cook fancy food for themselves every day of the week.

You can cook fresh, great tasting food made from scratch but it doesn't have to take longer than 15 minutes and require so much poncing. Plus various elements can be prepped in advance, surely.

If you wanted to OP I'd get a few new delicious, but simple and quick, recipes under your belt or at least encourage DH to do the same.

Fish and steamed veggies, a lot of Asian food like stir fries, various pasta dishes and steak and salad can all be ready in

puglife15 · 03/02/2017 22:12

Hello it's not "helping out" is it, it's parenting.

And people are being critical because he's "helping" only on HIS rather impractical terms.

Want2bSupermum · 03/02/2017 22:13

Hello cooking isn't necessary. Plenty of nights when DH is travelling I have a bowl of cereal for dinner, some raw carrots and a piece of fruit. Its food to keep me going that doesn't require the effort of cooking.

Trifleorbust · 03/02/2017 22:14

My point is, why are people vilifying this man for helping out...

It's obvious why. He is choosing to spend a lot more time than is necessary doing something he enjoys and refusing to give his wife respite from the more difficult job. This isn't very respectful of him and it is leaving her very tired.

Original poster
Xuli · 03/02/2017 22:14

Yep, we just need a few quicker meals some evenings, and I'll start experimenting with the slow cooker.

OP posts:
puglife15 · 03/02/2017 22:14

Also your "sewing isn't a necessity" analogy is bollocks. It should be "wearing clothes", which is kind of a necessity.

ToastieRoastie · 03/02/2017 22:14

Wait, you're on maternity leave. When I was on maternity leave, I needed days where I could hand over the baby and toddler and do something else instead. No matter how much I love them, I needed that break.

Its not on that you manage the whole day with DC and then do all the bedtime too, 5 days a week. He needs accept that if he wants poncy food, he's either going to have to batch cook or prepare before he leaves for work, so that you can cook the dinner (or he can help with bedtime and do the cooking himself in 20min). Or he accepts that a few times a week you have perfectly fine, healthy food, that isn't poncified to his tastes.

TheOnlyColditz · 03/02/2017 22:15

oK LISTEN. iT'S HARD NOW, BUT IN 5 YEARS, YOU WILL STILL BE GETTING A HOMECOOKED DINNER EVERY NIGHT AND BEDTIME WILL BE A BREEZE.

FunnysInLaJardin · 03/02/2017 22:16

Thats the issue then Xuli. Can you explain this to DH and suggest you swap a couple of nights, or even share both tasks? I enjoy cooking on my own but also quite like DH helping me after we have done bedtime.

Our DC are 6 and 11 but I remember well the baby bedtimes and they only get worse when the baby is a toddler!

FWIW I think it sounds like you and your DH have a great partnership when it comes to the household tasks, just sometimes things need to be tweaked a little bit.

Swipe left for the next trending thread