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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I might BU... dinner/childcare related

178 replies

Xuli · 03/02/2017 20:05

We have two DC, 5y and 3m.

DH does all the cooking in the house. He does it because he enjoys cooking, and enjoys nice food. On a weekend we eat as a family, but on most week nights he is at work and so me and him eat at about 8 once the kids are in bed. 5yo either eats at afterschool club or has left overs from our meal the day before.

DH cooks from scratch about 95% of the time. As in, he makes his own sauces, marinades, spice mixes etc, makes bread fresh, that sort of thing. So even if we have a relatively simple meal like grilled chicken and pittas, there's still faffing around making the spice mix and the pitta bread.

I can't really cook. I mean, I can not poison us all but it's not something I enjoy doing and as DH has done almost all of the cooking for years, I've fallen even more out of practice.

The issue is that I have to do bedtime with both kids quite regularly due to his shifts, so when he is at home I'd appreciate some help some nights. He means to help, but gets carried away cooking and then somehow I end up doing most things because the baby is crying or something.

The logic answer is to swap cooking and childcare responsibilities - BUT because I'm not a great cook and he likes fresh made food, this isn't much of an option. I can't imagine how long it would take me to follow one of his recipes, and he won't lower his 'standards' and have a jacket potato etc one night. Delaying his cooking until after the kids are bed would probably mean not eating until 9.

This is driving me barmy. We've talked about it and he understands why it frustrates me at bedtime and says he'll help, but then still ends up faffing around and I end up juggling the 5yo and the baby yet again. But - another but - I know I'm probably being U because I am fortunate to get lovely home cooked food served up most nights, without me doing any thinking, planning or cooking.

Sigh. Should I just suck up doing bedtimes myself?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 03/02/2017 20:39

Maybe the reason your 5 year old is clinging to you is because he's not getting much attention from his dad.

It seems ridiculous that someone's happily making bread while his children are being ignored.

acquiescence · 03/02/2017 20:39

Yanbu.

Cooking is clearly something he enjoys so it is relaxation and a hobby for him. Bedtime is tiring and draining sometimes.

In our house dh does every bed time unless he is out and I cook every night. I mostly cook from scratch but do some batch cooking and some short cuts, such as using curry pastes and straight to wok noodles.

harderandharder2breathe · 03/02/2017 20:39

Surely he can compromise and do something easy some nights, and batch cook so you can defrost home cooked food some nights as well. Or swap and have jacket potatoes and salad or something you can do easily some nights.

Yes it's great that he cooks, but he enjoys it. My dad is the same, it's his stress relief. It's not remotely on a level with putting small children to bed, for someone who enjoys cooking. He needs to lower his standards for dinner and do some of the less enjoyable jobs (for him) like bedtime

DustingOffTheDynastySuit · 03/02/2017 20:39

I think sort of agree with dailybaby's offspring here. The sentiment, if not the term.

You have a lifestyle which enables you to sit down to a home-cooked meal at 8pm every night with your partner, who has enough leisure time in his life to cook for presumably 45-60 minutes every night, and neither of you can countenance eating at the scandalous time of 9pm. Any problem here is basically ridiculous and of your own making.

To give you some perspective, I think in the past 3 weeks DH and I have had 4 nights when we've both been home by 8, and whilst we used to eat around 830, to sit down together that is now regularly getting pushed to anywhere between 9 and 945 1030. Now I appreciate that isn't healthy or ideal on lots of levels, but I also know we're far from alone.

Your kids need 1-1 time and reading time. Your relationship needs compromise. Neither of you need freshly baked nan bread or its equivalent 7 nights a week. Nobody died of an omelette for tea.

TitaniasCloset · 03/02/2017 20:40

That's it exactly polar

NoCleanClothes · 03/02/2017 20:40

A man who does all the cooking and apparently that's unreasonable. Standard Mumsnet

Are you seriously saying you don't understand why this is annoying? It's not that he cooks it's that he never does bedtime. Why should he get to choose which jobs are his and which are OP's?

Bringmewineandcake · 03/02/2017 20:41

I'd rather cook than do bedtime!! Definitely, in the kitchen doing what you want.
I can only echo some of other PPs - get him to double up on meals so that a couple of nights a week is a quick heat up job. Also, he needs to get the stick out of his bum and eat a jacket potato with some tuna and salad once in a while.
YANBU, there needs to be a compromise.

1frenchfoodie · 03/02/2017 20:41

Hmm, he definately needs to find some things he can batch cook. Coq au vin, beef bourgignon, nice pulle pork, slow cooked ragu etc. Surely if he is as keen a cook as he says he can find things of this ilk that he can cook at the weekend or double up on for days he is cooking.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2017 20:42

Fucking off to the pub is not the only way to opt out of the shitwork

He's a canny one, this one

Bluebellevergreen · 03/02/2017 20:43

Send DH over here Grin

Surreyblah · 03/02/2017 20:43

It's U to cook poncey food when he could cook something fast and OP and his DC1 would prefer him to parent.

Also, he seems to think aspects of parenting ("helping" OP at bedtime) are optional.

haveacupoftea · 03/02/2017 20:45

You're not shouting loud enough tbh. Tell him the two nights you will be swapping roles and make him stick to it! It wont kill him to eat a jacket potato or spag bol ffs.

harderandharder2breathe · 03/02/2017 20:45

Day 1 he does a curry, the night he cooks it is s kitchen night and he can fanny about with poncey rice and naan bread and whatever else he likes. Then day 2 you have reheated curry with bog standard rice and a salad or shop bought Naan and he does bedtime.

datingbarb · 03/02/2017 20:47

I'm with debbs77 except I'm s single mum to 4, I would happily do bedtime alone every night if someone was cooking for me!

Instead I cook dinner then do bedtime then go tidy up

Robstersgirl · 03/02/2017 20:49

He comes home from work and cooks? YABU you are living the dream life. Most mums cook and do bedtime.

ToastieRoastie · 03/02/2017 20:49

I'm in the not fair camp - he gets to pursue his hobby making artisanal curry and rice while you do bedtime chores every night.

It's not right that your children don't get a nice bedtime with their dad. Or one on one time with each of you at bedtime.

Easy dinners twice a week aren't going to kill him.

ImperialBlether · 03/02/2017 20:51

It's not whether any of you would happily do bedtime alone, it's whether his children need to see something of him.

OlennasWimple · 03/02/2017 20:51

Just eat at 9pm then - see if he is happy to faff a bit less with the rice in order to eat earlier after all

NapQueen · 03/02/2017 20:51

He could do the baths while you do something else, then once the kids are bathed hand them over to you to put into pj's and take to bed.

Also, can you batch make bottles and store them in the fridge so take one out as the baby goes in the bath and they can have it when they get out?

Original poster
Xuli · 03/02/2017 20:53

I know, I'm not shouting loud enough. I do feel bad because I know how much he views it as doing something nice for me - a lovely home cooked meal after I've been at home with the baby all day. The few times I've cautiously broached it I can see he is a bit hurt.

He's not doing it to deliberately avoid "shitwork" - he did this when we both worked full time, because of his job he did more "childcare" than I did before I was on maternity leave, and he does his share of night wakings and all that malarkey.

He just loves cooking.

I know it's a massive first world problem but I'm glad other people see why it frustrates me. I need to put my foot down and find meals I can cook instead.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/02/2017 20:53

Rob...you must know some shit men

arethereanyleftatall · 03/02/2017 20:55

Yanbu.
He isn't doing it 'for you'.
He's doing it 'for him.'
And, in a family with young children, that's just not fair.

Original poster
Xuli · 03/02/2017 20:56

To be fair to him as well, he comes home and spends time with the kids before starting his cooking, so it's not like they don't see any of him.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/02/2017 20:58

'He comes home from work and cooks? YABU you are living the dream life. Most mums cook and do bedtime.'

Mugs who are with shit partners do both.

Things have changed, Xuli, he needs to step up and spend time with his kids.

celtiethree · 03/02/2017 20:58

YABU, it only takes 30 mins to cook something from scratch, it doesn't take much to learn a few meals. Once you have a few meals then there is no excuse for not swapping.

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