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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I might BU... dinner/childcare related

178 replies

Xuli · 03/02/2017 20:05

We have two DC, 5y and 3m.

DH does all the cooking in the house. He does it because he enjoys cooking, and enjoys nice food. On a weekend we eat as a family, but on most week nights he is at work and so me and him eat at about 8 once the kids are in bed. 5yo either eats at afterschool club or has left overs from our meal the day before.

DH cooks from scratch about 95% of the time. As in, he makes his own sauces, marinades, spice mixes etc, makes bread fresh, that sort of thing. So even if we have a relatively simple meal like grilled chicken and pittas, there's still faffing around making the spice mix and the pitta bread.

I can't really cook. I mean, I can not poison us all but it's not something I enjoy doing and as DH has done almost all of the cooking for years, I've fallen even more out of practice.

The issue is that I have to do bedtime with both kids quite regularly due to his shifts, so when he is at home I'd appreciate some help some nights. He means to help, but gets carried away cooking and then somehow I end up doing most things because the baby is crying or something.

The logic answer is to swap cooking and childcare responsibilities - BUT because I'm not a great cook and he likes fresh made food, this isn't much of an option. I can't imagine how long it would take me to follow one of his recipes, and he won't lower his 'standards' and have a jacket potato etc one night. Delaying his cooking until after the kids are bed would probably mean not eating until 9.

This is driving me barmy. We've talked about it and he understands why it frustrates me at bedtime and says he'll help, but then still ends up faffing around and I end up juggling the 5yo and the baby yet again. But - another but - I know I'm probably being U because I am fortunate to get lovely home cooked food served up most nights, without me doing any thinking, planning or cooking.

Sigh. Should I just suck up doing bedtimes myself?

OP posts:
zaffa87 · 03/02/2017 21:24

I think you're being a bit unreasonable - if you're worried your cooking isn't up to scratch start practicing on the weekends when you all have family dinners, then you'll have more time and he can play / bond with the children (as you say you all eat together). Then you could look into doing some batch meals that you're comfortable with and you could do in the week, thus freeing him up to do bedtime instead of you? That way there's a compromise, you big share the duties instead of a straight split and he gets some time with the kids whilst you improve your skills - maybe you'll end up really enjoying it too!

StickyMouse · 03/02/2017 21:24

Does he shop and prep every meal?

lougle · 03/02/2017 21:25

You know that children don't need a bath every night, right? You're both making life way too hard for yourselves.

Trifleorbust · 03/02/2017 21:25

It's not fair for anyone to monopolise one job, forcing their partner by default to do the other jobs. Simple.

pudcat · 03/02/2017 21:25

I really do not see your problem. You have said that your husband cooks the meals, he works, he spends time with the children, he helps to clean. You are a SAHM with school age child and a baby. Your husband sounds great to me.

expatinscotland · 03/02/2017 21:26

He doesn't want the spag bol, jacket potato or chilli, people! He wants poncy meals every night.

footballmum · 03/02/2017 21:27

Can't you just take it in turns? Confused

expatinscotland · 03/02/2017 21:27

She's on mat leave!

Original poster
Xuli · 03/02/2017 21:27

Bahhh - yes, some weeks it gets to me, like it has done this week, as it seems to have happened every night. Other weeks he'll be at home on a week day and it will be much easier.

cant, I do need to remind him to make some quicker ones. Today he made breaded chicken and sweet potato. So not too complicated but first he had to make the breadcrumbs, and then coat the chicken, it just took longer than expected (and then the mess he's trying to clear up on the way, and a longish time handling raw chicken so he couldn't do anything with the kids) and wasn't quite so quick and easy. But a few quick pasta dishes would be very useful.

OP posts:
EatTheChocolateTeapot · 03/02/2017 21:29

YANBU.
Personally I would set x days per week for him to do bedtime, eat with the children on those days and let him do what he wants to do with his own meal.

Original poster
Xuli · 03/02/2017 21:30

He doesn't want the spag bol, jacket potato or chilli, people! He wants poncy meals every night.

That's it!

It's delicious. I do enjoy it eating it. A lot.

I just need to make clear that on the weeks when he is working Mon-Fri, then at least one night he needs to accept a less fancy meal so he can solely do bedtime.

OP posts:
empirerecordsrocked · 03/02/2017 21:30

I do all the cooking, I love cooking. We take bedtime in turns. On my turn we have one night freezer food, one night pasta and one night batch cook from the freezer.

Poncy cooking is for the weekend.

expatinscotland · 03/02/2017 21:31

'Today he made breaded chicken and sweet potato. So not too complicated but first he had to make the breadcrumbs, and then coat the chicken, it just took longer than expected (and then the mess he's trying to clear up on the way, and a longish time handling raw chicken so he couldn't do anything with the kids) and wasn't quite so quick and easy.'

Geezus, that takes no time at all. What the hell was he doing with the sweet potato, harvesting it from the ground?

Believeitornot · 03/02/2017 21:32

This sounds like his way of hiding and doing cooking instead of looking after his kids. Seriously.

Underthemoonlight · 03/02/2017 21:34

Yabu your with the baby all day and your dh cooks I would gladly have my meal cooked and do bed time. In my house dh does bed time and I cook and wash up.

Original poster
Xuli · 03/02/2017 21:35

I know, expat! I think the problem was he started at the wrong time, so he was still faffing with raw chicken at bedtime.

He does also need to work on his timings. If he'd prepped the chicken at 6.30, he could have done bedtime and I could have whacked it in the oven and life would have been sunny. But he's one of those people where dinner is always about 15 minutes late...

Empire, that's a good ground rule, I like that. I think I'll suggest that to him. That way we can split the cooking, and I can use mat leave while the baby is co-operating to start buffing up my cooking skills.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 03/02/2017 21:35

No, OP, grinding your own breadcrumbs while your wife struggles with two kids (and no-one else in the house gives a shit whether you made the bread to make the crumbs to coat the chicken to give the dog a bone) is arsehole behaviour. He is doing this because he wants to, and bugger what you want or actually need.

Just tell him. Two nights a week you will either make a simple meal while he does bedtime, or he can do bedtime and then make a simple meal while you do other housework. Don't debate this, it's a fair compromise and he needs to suck it up.

user1477282676 · 03/02/2017 21:35

This would do my head in. He's being selfish. You need to INSIST you're either cooking or ordering a takeaway some nights. He's fancying round the kitchen, enjoying himself nightly whilst you struggle? NOPE!

Oh I'd love to bake every night whilst DH did the grunt work but do I? No, because I'm not selfish.

INSIST OP. Don't let him have it his way all the time!

Bogburglar75 · 03/02/2017 21:36

Can I recommend getting a copy of Cook Simple by Diana Henry? She is a proper cookbook writer of proper fancy food, who then had a baby and found that she needed rather faster recipes Smile. It might speak to your DH! Or you might use it to take your turn cooking.

And if nothing else, it has a bloody good recipe for all in one chocolate cake that is completely idiot proof Cake

user1477282676 · 03/02/2017 21:37

Zaffa why should OP "practice"? She might not WANT to but that does not mean she shouldn;t cook. She says her food is fine. It's just not fancy.

Boolovessulley · 03/02/2017 21:38

I agree cooking is his hobby and his way of relaxing and de-stressing.

Why on earth is it taking him so long?
If he had to do bedtimes them he'd have to stop poncing about so much.

AtleastitsnotMonday · 03/02/2017 21:38

Maybe compromise. He finds some quicker recipes, e.g fresh fish or steak, you look out some yummy but manageable recipes so you can each do a bit of both. If he wants to play cooking he can prep ingredients (e.g. Breadcrumbs or marinades) after bedtime eating, ready for using the next day. (Plenty of recipes are better when meat is marinated overnight)

Original poster
Xuli · 03/02/2017 21:40

"Fine not fancy" - that's right. I don't like cooking at all but I'm perfectly capable of putting some fish in foil and making noodles and vegetables. Just he likes it a bit poncier.

OP posts:
GeorgeTheHamster · 03/02/2017 21:41

You can buy breaded chicken and sweet potato wedges and cook them on an oven tray. Won't kill anyone, no prep needed, not THAT much different. And perfectly fine on a weeknight. As a PP said, poncy cooking is for weekends.

Original poster
Xuli · 03/02/2017 21:42

Monday, I'll suggest that too. I'm happy to be involved with bedtime - in fact, I want to spend some time with the kids - but it would be useful if he could do some of it, or at least the baby (who fortunately settles very easily at the moment) but a meal he can cook in 20 minutes so we're still eating at a reasonable time and not going to bed straight after dinner would be nice once a week.

OP posts: