I think I might BU... dinner/childcare related

[Xuli]

We have two DC, 5y and 3m.

DH does all the cooking in the house. He does it because he enjoys cooking, and enjoys nice food. On a weekend we eat as a family, but on most week nights he is at work and so me and him eat at about 8 once the kids are in bed. 5yo either eats at afterschool club or has left overs from our meal the day before.

DH cooks from scratch about 95% of the time. As in, he makes his own sauces, marinades, spice mixes etc, makes bread fresh, that sort of thing. So even if we have a relatively simple meal like grilled chicken and pittas, there's still faffing around making the spice mix and the pitta bread.

I can't really cook. I mean, I can not poison us all but it's not something I enjoy doing and as DH has done almost all of the cooking for years, I've fallen even more out of practice.

The issue is that I have to do bedtime with both kids quite regularly due to his shifts, so when he is at home I'd appreciate some help some nights. He means to help, but gets carried away cooking and then somehow I end up doing most things because the baby is crying or something.

The logic answer is to swap cooking and childcare responsibilities - BUT because I'm not a great cook and he likes fresh made food, this isn't much of an option. I can't imagine how long it would take me to follow one of his recipes, and he won't lower his 'standards' and have a jacket potato etc one night. Delaying his cooking until after the kids are bed would probably mean not eating until 9.

This is driving me barmy. We've talked about it and he understands why it frustrates me at bedtime and says he'll help, but then still ends up faffing around and I end up juggling the 5yo and the baby yet again. But - another but - I know I'm probably being U because I am fortunate to get lovely home cooked food served up most nights, without me doing any thinking, planning or cooking.

Sigh. Should I just suck up doing bedtimes myself?

Xuli, he's doing it for himself under the guise of 'You should be grateful.'

I know some of it is my fault as I've let the cooking slide enormously as he's so happy to do it. Also, when I do cook something he will try and help and teach me, which he means well, but I take it the wrong way and feel criticised.

Yeah I'd rather hide in the kitchen and have a nice faff around than do bedtime too.

He need to alter his routine so that there is less time in the kitchen. He can do that however he likes - easier food, batch cooking, ready meals, whatever. But this is taking the piss.

He really does spend a lot of time with the kids anyway. It's literally just bedtime of those evenings when he's cooking for both of us. That's not every evening a week anyway.

Just out of interest, who cleans up the kitchen after the maestro has done his magic ?

I think OP said he does cleaning and cooking?

I'd be craving something plain I think. What's wrong with plain fish and frozen peas or salad, something that will take ten minutes after the kids are asleep.

Before the baby came, we took turns doing the kitchen cleaning. Now I'm on maternity leave I tend to do it, but that is only because the baby is going through a good stage and I have plenty of time to do things the next day. If the baby goes through a bad phase he'd do it too. When we're both at home we take turns as well.

Tbf, his food is absolutely bloody delicious.

He doesn't need to bloody teach you, you are perfectly capable of making spag bol /whatever, the Internet exists!

He sounds a pain in the arse at best.

Exh started cooking at 1-2 at the weekend so he didn't have to do any fucking actual work, your set up is ridiculous and he needs told.

If you were happy with it, fine, but you're not, so say so!

You need to introduce him to the world of slow cooking. My DH was very similar but got really into slow cooking when I was pregnant and couldn't eat rare meat. He'd do slow cooked pulled pork or lamb, it's minimal effort, then we'd have it with a tangy bbq sauce, brioche bun, etc. Delicious.

I have a similar first world complaint which is DH insisting on going to the butcher every Saturday when actually I'd like to order it all from Ocado so he could spend that time with DS and give me a break. But I know IABU.

I know I'm capable of making things He just has cooked for so many years he has his own little touches for things.

I suppose part of it is, if I decided to make a stew, I'd buy some nice meat but probably use a Colman's sachet. That's where the idea of 'lowering standards' comes in, I guess.

Rob Wow, low standards. I cook and DH does bedtime because the DC and I have seen each other all day and he wants to spend time with them (and I want a break). OP yanbu. Doesn't your DH mind your DS's preference for you? It's more important that he gets to spend time with his Dad regularly than you get to have fancy meals. There are plenty of tasty healthy meals that can be cooked from scratch quickly without faffing about with fresh bread etc.

He's not the boss is he though? Or living alone.

A three month is bloody hard work???? Really? I must have been asleep when mine were that age! I think, op, that you are fortunate to have a husband who is willing and able to help out, he could be coming in later from work and you would have to be doing both bedtime and cooking!

The 'white person's problem' - is that a variant of first world problem? I've never heard it before.

I do have to say that it's not the 3mo that's causing me any problems, he's a dream right now really, it's the 5yo!

Beat me to it AF.

Jury is out until I know who cleans up the kitchen!

Instead of just playing with the kids, can't he put them in the bath, at least every other night? You can put your feet up, then he can sort dinner while you put them to bed? Could you eat later a couple of nights a week? It doesn't have the be the same every night.

So he doesnt want to lower his standards of eating, but you have to lower your standards of what you expect from your husband at bedtime

'A three month is bloody hard work???? Really? I must have been asleep when mine were that age! I think, op, that you are fortunate to have a husband who is willing and able to help out, '

'Help out'? Looking after his own kids is not 'helping out' and working doesn't mean you get to opt out of life . No wonder so many women end up in shite relationships.

Good grief he sounds pretentious. He needs to get over himself and realise he is not the most important person in the house. His needs do not trump yours, you having a break from bedtime a few nights a week is far more important than him having food that is up to his standards. You need a break. He needs to eat a bloody spag bol because really that's not too much to ask.

Yabu. You have said yourself he spends pleny of time with the kids when he comes in and does night wakes etc. Also this is not every night just when he does certain shifts. Also he works full time and you are on maternity leave atm. Just because he enjoys cooking doesn't mean there aren't some nights he'd rather not have to and just gets on with it. I enjoy doing a lot of things but doesn't mean l would want to start doing them after a long day at work.

Tell him to batch cook. I love cooking and make almost everything from scratch but there's no way I'd do it EVERY evening if it was affecting the kids' needs.

I always cook double of everything I make so that one portion can go in the fridge or freezer, making a quick, easy meal on another day and giving us more time. It's just logical.

OP get yourself a slow cooker and pull up some online slow cooker recipes. Chuck something in during the day - chilli is beyond easy!!! And when he gets home say "I've chucked dinner in the slow cooker this morning so you can have the evening off to spend with the kids. I'm gonna go and have a bath"

I have - as I'm sure most people do - a series of dishes made from scratch that take no longer than the carbohydrate takes to cook.

Spaghetti carbonara, one with no name that has bacon, chilli and tomato in the pasta sauce, another with sliced cold ham and mushrooms in a cream sauce, a further one that has aubergines, tomatoes, basil and olives with fresh pasta. With small potatoes we might have baked salmon in sour cream and chives, with rice a mushroom or an egg curry, with noodles a stir fry

I can cook any of these in 20-odd minutes. What your DH needs, if he wants to continue to cook, is to increase his repertoire of these quick meals - they have no shortcuts, nothing pre-packaged or pre-made, but they are QUICK. Delia's One if Fun (with quantities doubled) is a really good source of most of them, if he refused and you wanted tio have a go instead.

Yeah, that's kind of right Moustache. He's not being knowingly pretentious about it, as I said there's also a large element of showing his care for me by cooking a nice meal.

However yes, he does need to accept that some weeks he needs to have the odd day of oven baked salmon etc.