I think I might BU... dinner/childcare related

[Xuli]

We have two DC, 5y and 3m.

DH does all the cooking in the house. He does it because he enjoys cooking, and enjoys nice food. On a weekend we eat as a family, but on most week nights he is at work and so me and him eat at about 8 once the kids are in bed. 5yo either eats at afterschool club or has left overs from our meal the day before.

DH cooks from scratch about 95% of the time. As in, he makes his own sauces, marinades, spice mixes etc, makes bread fresh, that sort of thing. So even if we have a relatively simple meal like grilled chicken and pittas, there's still faffing around making the spice mix and the pitta bread.

I can't really cook. I mean, I can not poison us all but it's not something I enjoy doing and as DH has done almost all of the cooking for years, I've fallen even more out of practice.

The issue is that I have to do bedtime with both kids quite regularly due to his shifts, so when he is at home I'd appreciate some help some nights. He means to help, but gets carried away cooking and then somehow I end up doing most things because the baby is crying or something.

The logic answer is to swap cooking and childcare responsibilities - BUT because I'm not a great cook and he likes fresh made food, this isn't much of an option. I can't imagine how long it would take me to follow one of his recipes, and he won't lower his 'standards' and have a jacket potato etc one night. Delaying his cooking until after the kids are bed would probably mean not eating until 9.

This is driving me barmy. We've talked about it and he understands why it frustrates me at bedtime and says he'll help, but then still ends up faffing around and I end up juggling the 5yo and the baby yet again. But - another but - I know I'm probably being U because I am fortunate to get lovely home cooked food served up most nights, without me doing any thinking, planning or cooking.

Sigh. Should I just suck up doing bedtimes myself?

lol, I think a lot of the issues with folks relationships are adequately demonstrated by people saying you need to 'tell him'.

If anyone 'told' me to do something you can guarantee I would do the opposite.

No one needs to 'tell' anyone to do anything. What you need to do is discuss how life could be made happier for the whole household.

But he could still make his breaded chicken. Just make double. It's takes no extra time really. And then next week he just takes it out of the freezer and it goes straight in the oven and you get a homemade meal for much less time. Way more efficient. I cook from scratch a lot and out of 5 "homemade" meals a week, probably only have to actually cook something that takes more than half an hour once or twice. The rest of the time we have easy to make meals like stir fry or baked fish, or we eat something from the freezer. Of course we also have takeaway or frozen pizza when I just can't be bothered!

He's faffing in the kitchen because he enjoys it. Well at the moment it should be all hands on deck with a 3 month old and an older child. He could reasonably organize himelf so that your standard of eating didn't drop but he was much more time efficient

Well OP has said herself she doesn't enjoy cooking. I appreciate help at bedtime is great. Especially with 2. I have a 3 year old and a one year old and a husband who works till 9pm every night so I do know. However what I'm saying is, don't vilify this man. Just get him to help out a couple of nights. He isn't being intentionally awful. He's just cooking food. Which is helping!

I hadn't realised it was because we'd slipped into this routine because bedtime has been so easy for a few years so this has been really helpful.

He does this from this best place - wanting to provide a lovely meal for us every evening. But we clearly need to tweak it slightly for the meanwhile.

The few times I've cautiously broached it I can see he is a bit hurt.

Then don't cautiously broach it. Tell him firmly that you are sorry but this way of doing things isn't working for you. Three nights a week you would rather that he took care of the children while you get on with the cooking. Or whatever.

he will try and help and teach me,

Do not allow him to come and "help" or "teach" you unless you have specifically asked for help or advice. This is really called "interfering". Tell him so - the phrase you will need to repeat each time he starts is "Please do not interfere while I am cooking". He should be concentrating his attention on looking after the children while YOU are cooking.

He doesn't like to eat processed food.

I'd buy some nice meat but probably use a Colman's sachet. That's where the idea of 'lowering standards' comes in, I guess.

I'm perfectly capable of putting some fish in foil and making noodles and vegetables. Just he likes it a bit poncier.

While he is being such an utter fusspot it's no wonder you take no pleasure in cooking and are losing confidence in your own ability. He needs to learn how to smile and be grateful for what someone else has taken the trouble to prepare..

Who cleans up after he has cooked?

The thing is, I'm a single mum to a 1 year old so I don't get any help in the evening after looking after him all day. But if I did...by God it would be to take the baby off my hands and not to cook. When you have been caring for a baby all day alone you would happily eat sawdust if it meant you could have a break from parenting duties. He isn't helping you by cooking, even if he makes out that he is (not by cooking elaborate dinners anyway). I used to cook everything from scratch but these days I have no shame in chucking some chicken nuggets on the oven, he will adapt. It won't kill him. As PP said he is being selfish by hiding in the kitchen fannying around with breadcrumbs.

Wanna swap husbands, mines great with the baby but can burn microwave food :P

I make a full indian most nights from scratch in 60 mins - various types of flatbread for 3 people, 2 curries, lentil soup, veg rice. If I can do it anyone can. He's clearly faffing around on purpose or not preparing in advance.

God i hate cooking. To be handed a delicious, home cooked meal every night would be a dream for me. I hate cooking. I would do all housework, wifework, shitwork, anything! Did i mention i hate cooking?

Why don't you approach it from the perspective that twice midweek it would be nice to sit down as a family and eat so either you or he will pop something in the slow cooker and you will eat with ds. It's important for them to eat with you too other than just on a weekend. You can even make it educational - a different topic to debate, tell him you read somewhere about how important it is for your 5yr old to eat with you. If the meal is ready as soon as he comes in, which can't be too late if he is faffing with chicken at 6pm, you can eat then and his excuse will have vanished so he can help with bedtime.

I agree he's avoiding doing the things he doesn't like, and hiding behind the cooking and also being selfish, so agree with PP about change being needed.

However from a practical perspective...

I am a lover of good food, who is a good cook as a result and our main breadwinner. DH is a SAHD, and isn't as fussy about food as I am, but does almost all the cooking during the week. He's developed a few recipes he can easily cook from scratch, he knows work and are nice - they are, and I do appreciate him cooking when he doesn't enjoy it that much.

I do sometimes wish that he'd let me show him a few things that would make it all easier - but he also sees it as patronising - when I just see it as sharing my experience. Could you at least let him show you what to do, so you don't use a Coleman's mix, as I have to say I'd elbow DH out of the way and do the cooking myself, if he tried to use those! Maybe he'd enjoy the fact you're interested enough to let him show you. Try not to bristle. Or go on a cooking course, paid for by him if you have separate finances.

However wonderful it would be to be presented with a delicious home made meal each evening, if this isn't able to be modified to fit in with family life, it's him pursuing his hobby rather than contributing to family tasks.

It sounds like you both need to plan ahead re his shifts and evenings when he'll be in for dinner. On those evenings, one of you does something simple ( homemade soup, homemade bread and salad can be got going very quickly for example) then you both muck in at bedtime.

Or heats up something from the freezer/ already made.

Just because it's cooking that he's in to, rather than tinkering around in the shed making things or DIY, doesn't make where it fits into family life anymore acceptable.

In the long run, he's also going to need to relinquish control if he wants his children to be able to cook.

He is making a massive unnecessary fuss about cooking a gourmet meal in order to get out of doing the stuff he doesn't want to do. Pull him up on it now before it gets even more out of hand.

Xuli - sorry, but did you answer the question about whether he cleans up after the cooking? I think this is a key factor in whether he can be deemed a faffer or not?

Basically, I think if you want him to step up with the bedtimes, you have to step up too. Just have dinner ready two nights a week. Take matters out of his hands and be done with it!

Anybody can do roast veg and salmon as PPs have said. Tbh, if you can read, you can cook. Buy stuff pre-chopped if needs must.

Yes it's important for him to do a few betimes, I agree.

However... is he doing all the food shopping as well for his culinary art masterpieces? I find the shipping more of a faff than the cooking - so YAB a bit U if this is the case. Getting round the supermarket with a baby and 5 year old is nobody's favourite mission.

My DH gets "involved" with bedtime once they're actually in bed iyswim - and that's when he's not working away. Like you, he "doesn't cook". I don't give him processed food, but with 4 kids and only so many hours in the evening, I've had to learn to be quick! Healthy food does not need to be a faff. Save it for the weekends.

Agree you need to take turns, how will you ever have a night out if your husband has never put your kids to bed.
He's doing the fun stuff and leaving you with the hard stuff.
Also, you do need to be able to cook a few teas. They don't have to be from scratch every night. Have a look at Simply Cook, you can quickly make a home cook meal in 20 to 30 mins.

Also 5 year old is eating at free school club or leftovers- why can't there be more leftovers and eat as a family sometimes?

Yes, that's true. No need to ask him, just get the dinner done before he comes home. Sorted.

Jesus, some of these comments couldn't get more patronising. The OP hasn't said she cannot cook, just that she cooks more simply and does not make everything from scratch. There is nothing wrong with using a packet sauce, FGS. Fine if you don't want to do this but the time to make everything from scratch when you have small children is a luxury. The OP is clearly capable of doing roast fish, vegetables, lasagne, jacket potatoes etc and has said she can follow a recipe without issues. No need to suggest cooking courses!

Jamie's 15 Minute Meals. All from scratch, huge range of interesting flavours and seasonings, all balanced meals. The clue is in the title.....

He is taking the piss if he insists that good healthy food from scratch needs to take forever and his lack of flexibility dressed up as "care" and "love" rings alarm bells that he might be more controlling than you realise.

As for your cooking skills, how about when you are eating whatever super duper feast he has conjured up you ask him to talk you through how he made it?

My dh would sympathise with you. I do all the cooking and he does all the bedtimes. Different set up though as we all eat together and I batch cook at weekends to make week nights easier. We both work full time.

Yeah, I can see that's it's frustrating. However, cooking involves planning and deciding what to buy. So, it's not as simple as swapping some nights.

I do think your dh's standards are too high. Whoever cooks gets to decide the standard.

SeaRabbit: I do sometimes wish that he'd let me show him a few things that would make it all easier

but you very wisely do not.

but he also sees it as patronising - when I just see it as sharing my experience.

When he wants to share your experience he will ask. When he doesn't ask for help you would not just be patronising him but criticising. Telling him to do it your way because his way isn't good enough for you. He is building up his own experience and not depending on yours.

I'd elbow DH out of the way and do the cooking myself, if he tried to use those!

I am sorry but you would be very much in the wrong. He cooks his way and to his own standards. Luckily his standards seem to be similar to yours and he doesn't use these sauces. But if did then it would be polite to eat it even if you don't much like it.

EllaHen: Whoever cooks gets to decide the standard.

Quite!

Totally on your side here OP.

Just divvy the bedtimes up so he does bedtime twice a week and you make a simple meal. He looks hurt ??is he 4?

It's lovely thst he enjoys cooking but why on earth should he never ever put his own kids to bed when they also haven't seen him all day.

Just make 2 regular evenings the evenings he does bedtime ....its for his and the kids benefit too.

Has anyone suggested buying him joe wicks 15 minute meals books yet?

Have to say I'd love someone to cook healthy meals from scratch every night for me. Single Mum here