Friend blocked me for not helping her

[colaflower]

I'm fuming

Long time friend (over 5 yrs anyway) was in an abusive relationship, two lovely dcs, I've got a ds, they all get on well. I supported her (and vice versa!), there for someone to chat to and kept telling her to GTFO when her ex was being violent towards her. She moved away from him and alls cushty apart from him trying to get contact with kids. Its gone to family court and I have been a witness for her (although not called to stand I have been in court and have given statements etc)

She messaged me a couple of weeks ago saying it was back in court (which I'd known about for a couple of months) and I replied saying that I didn't think I would be able to help this time (FIL in hospital having a kidney removed as he has cancer, we have no family to help with childcare and I couldn't find a childcare provider as our town has very little provision. I also have no car so I can't drop ds off anywhere and my husband is unable to take time off work at the moment as he has to be able to get away short notice for his father just in case)

She went ballistic with me, shouting (ALL CAPS) in texts saying that she didn't know what to do, its all been called etc etc. She's got to speak to her solicitor etc etc

I wouldn't have been able to attend court anyways as I was signed off work due to having hand foot mouth virus (freaking sore) and I went to send her a message to see how things went and she's deleted me from facebook and blocked me from whatsapp.

AIBU for wanting to talk to her solicitor and tell her not to bother contacting me again and I want everything I've done to help her removed from file?

Husband has said good, she's nothing but trouble (hes always had that feeling about her) I've saved all her messages to file and deleted them from my phone.

I can't believe how petty she's been- yes, I said I could help her but I really couldn't help her this one time and she's the one who's being moody?!

TL:DR version-
Friend flipped out and blocked me from FB as I couldn't go to court one time to support her.

I do have to say that, parking any views I or others may have about OPs original wanting to lash out and get her evidence retracted, she does speak a lot of - horribly real and horribly disquieting - truth about the Family Court system (including CAFCASS).

Without outing myself, I have had a lot of experience up close and personal with the system, ESP. in the PRFD (Principal Registry of the Family Division in High Holborn) and it is genuinely appalling. I've seen uber credible witness statements WHOLLY disregarded; women - and it is usually women - utterly dismissed; men who have put their best suit on and suddenly showing their charming face, bloke to bloke with a judge who is meant to be a: impartial; b: have the interests of the children as foremost priority yet demonstrating neither.

I have seen a women whose children were abused and as she sought to protect them being told that she was 'very much the architect of her own circumstances'

The entire system needs dragging into the 21st century IMHO as it currently stinks. And places the most vulnerable of people at yet further risk.

IwasAM I know, thought I haven't been through it myself, two of my friends are going through it. One of them, the abusive and violent ex, was his abusive self in court to the judge, and guess what, he was awarded more contact! My other friend, who's ex was also his nasty abusive self in court, was awarded unsupervised access, when previously it was supervised, as the ex said to the judge he won't bother with contact if he has to go to a contact centre. He was abusing their little son, and she was threatened with reverse residency, if she did not comply with contact. These are just some of the many accounts I've heard.

Woman's aid are campaigning for safe contact www.womensaid.org.uk/childfirst/. So that Family courts are in line with the criminal courts, whereby the victim is treated with dignity and respect, unlike the Family courts, and they are not allowed to be cross examined by the abuser. As well as judges putting the safety and well being of children first, instead of contact with the father at all costs.

OP -- you are here! So do you know what happened to your friend's case??

As far as your being a key witness -- Is the judge still the same one? And are all the other witnesses the same too (except for you)? No new evidence came to light or new developments with key players (ex. the violent dad committed a crime and now has a record? Violent dad lost his job and can't afford same as before? Your friend has improved MH or financial situation? One of the kids has a specific health or MH issue that might affect overnight arrangements? etc.)

If everything is the same as it was in the first hearing, then maybe you are right that you are not an important witness. Unless of course, if the judge himself has gradually been changing his viewpoint (due to age and experience, for ex) and is now more sympathetic to your friend's situation than he was at first hearing.

So let me get this straight, your friend is facing the possibility that her kids could end up with her violent and abuse ex, and you're wondering if you should withdraw the help you've given her because she shouted and blocked you from Facebook?! Do you have any idea how heartless that sounds when this woman is probably panicking about the future of her kids lives.

All I can say is, I hope she has other people in her life more supportive than you.

I was told that my viewpoint maybe 'coloured' by my previous history. Yay

Well the fact you are unable to support your friend and the children may well end up with overnight access but YAY.

Op you are angry athat your friend's knee here reaction while under considerable stress yourself. I am getting the vibe that, while she is going through a tough time, she is very self absorbed in this. Has she always been this way? Is she supportive of your troubles? I'm asking because I had a similar type of friend with similar problems who really did think that everyone had to drop everything for her problems with her ex. We tried to warn her before it got too far but she didn't listen yet expected everyone to jump and pick up the pieces when the inevitable happened. There were no kids involved, though.

When things went well, we didn't see her and whenever anyone else needed support she wasn't there.

You sound like a decent person at heart. I know you feel.like doing that but I know you won't.

I'd contact the solicitor and offer the written statement. But. Equally, accept the blocking. There's no guarantee that her next partnership won't be a disaster. Said friend I mentioned ended up with a drugh addict after leaving an alcoholic

I don't think cola is coming across very well at all, its not that she was unable to support her friend at this time, that is fine, stuff happens, and her and her family come first, but contacting the solicitor and retracting the evidence is spiteful and nasty. She is coming across as quite mercenary, and cold heated. The yay at the end, of her last post where her evidence might not be used, and her as witness might not be needed. There is nothing to celebrate there, your friend is going through a horrific time.

I don't think she'll do it. Maybe I am naive.

I think blocking someone's friendship over having too many personal problems is pretty unpleasant, too. A reasonable person would understand how this might pose a barrier while remaining persuasive and insistent on getting the help.

As I said retracting evidence would be shitty but I can't see her doing it. I think it's something said in anger

OP
Please do not listen to the nasty and unfair comments
You clearly couldn't help her your son is your responsibility and your FIL has cancer
People are soo quick to judge but your ex friend should understand your position and tou helped her out before you are probably better off without her
What i've learnt recently is some people do not add any value to your life and you are better off without them
Live life wothout the drama and ignore the ignorant comments

The self righteous, sanctimonious posters who have so much empathy for the friend fleeing DV and how her horrible behaviour towards her friend must be completely excused because of what she's been through, seem to have zero empathy for the op who sounds extremely stressed and with her own fair share of problems.

I can see past the op's statement that she would ask to have her statements from the past withdrawn because I have a bit of empathy for her situation and it's clear from further posts she didn't intend to go through with it, it's what she felt like doing in anger and frustration. Just like her friend verbally abusing her and cutting her off, out of anger and frustration.

My statements have been ignored as they are hearsay without concrete evidence- I've had that confirmed by her solicitor this morning

No, they are hearsay until you attend court to answer questions about them, which you didn't do.

Hearsay has nothing to do with concrete evidence. If you turned up to give evidence your statement wouldn't be hearsay whatever other evidence there was.

If her solicitor honestly said that then I despair, no competent
lawyer could misunderstand the concept of hearsay that badly.

I'm still in utter disbelief at this thread. I would take my kids out of school to attend as a witness for a complete stranger in these circumstances, let alone a friend. I just can not believe that OP wants to remove her previous, truthful statements from the record. It absolutely beggars belief.

Then again I would not block a friend who had a close family member with cancer

If you don't think you are being unreasonable, why the fuck did you ask?

Since they split up, her ex has proved himself to be unworthy (been caught driving without insurance and road tax- twice; been caught working as a HGV driver without a valid license (how thats possible is beyond me); was caught exposing himself (dont want know the details of that one!); has let the children go hungry because he cant be bothered to find food that one with an egg allergy and one with peanut allergy can eat and before they got together tried to exaggerate his qualifications and for a brief time worked as a college tutor and afaik got charged with fraud over that one...) so how he's still allowed unsupervised access is beyond me already.

I wish there was a way to edit original posts to make it easier to put all this in one go but that would make it the size of an encyclopedia. Still, I'll be hiding it soon enough.

And yet you were planning on retracting your statement about his behaviour. The mind boggles.

Its a stressful situation all round. No one wants to be involved in court proceedings. No one wants to fall out with a friend, or have a very unwell family member. All you can do OP is take care of yourself, and if you are summonsed to court of course you must go.

I hope all ends well for both of you

No wonder your friend was out of sorts to you, than situation is awful, and to have her kids in the care of somebody who could kill them due to their allergies is awful. Let it lie, you cannot do court for various valid reasons, but text her and offer to do another one later on and be on hand to provide additional evidence if needed in the future. Do it not for the kids!

What a fantastic 'friend' you are!

• Your temporary, supposed illness is hardly life-threatening, is it? But her situation IS!!

• Your father in law isn't even in hospital any more! How would taking a day off or two for a really important court case affect his cancer?! It wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference! It's your husband's father anyway so he could look after him, couldn't he?

• Re the child care: if you couldn't be arsed to take your kids to court with you (where they would be looked after while you actually gave evidence), have you never heard of babysitting agencies?! Even if the nearest one is an HOUR away, they would still come to you if you paid for their travel time! (If you're too tight to do that, you could have asked if your 'friend' could have helped pay for that: or if SHE knew anyone who could sit or play with your kids.). There are so many options(!)...but you just provided so many excuses!

Perhaps you are still suffering from what happened to you (which must have been awful). I agree with other posters that you seem like you may need some form of counselling as your reaction to this whole situation simply doesn't seem normal or human. You are BEYOND hard and uncaring. ("She made poor life choices" and "feeds her kids junk food" etc! SO WHAT? We're talking about trying to keep children ALIVE here, so who cares what she feeds them?!)

By the way, if you read in a newspaper in a few months time that one of her terrified little girls actually died at the hands of their abusive father one night, I hope that knowing that you did nothing (or actually worse than nothing, since you said you'd provide help then withdrew it, thereby weakening her whole court case/credibility)... well, I hope the guilt eats away at you forever. (Though, sadly, I very much doubt that you would feel anything....)

How hurtful! Her Dh can't look after them as he can get called away to hospital any moment as per op. Op is ill. Yes it 8snt serious but it's infectious and it's not sensible to visit a busy courtroom. I have lost someone close to cancer ..I'd hate anyone to think that of me knowing how horrible the build up to it all is

Your father in law isn't even in hospital any more! How would taking a day off or two for a really important court case affect his cancer?! It wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference! It's your husband's father anyway so he could look after him, couldn't he?

Wow lorca I guess the fight against DV is just so much more right on than the fight against cancer. You will regret your heartlessness when it's a close family member of yours dying of cancer.

Amen

You think it's petty that you aren't willing to give evidence?

That should have said that she's upset that you aren't willing