Friend blocked me for not helping her

[colaflower]

I'm fuming

Long time friend (over 5 yrs anyway) was in an abusive relationship, two lovely dcs, I've got a ds, they all get on well. I supported her (and vice versa!), there for someone to chat to and kept telling her to GTFO when her ex was being violent towards her. She moved away from him and alls cushty apart from him trying to get contact with kids. Its gone to family court and I have been a witness for her (although not called to stand I have been in court and have given statements etc)

She messaged me a couple of weeks ago saying it was back in court (which I'd known about for a couple of months) and I replied saying that I didn't think I would be able to help this time (FIL in hospital having a kidney removed as he has cancer, we have no family to help with childcare and I couldn't find a childcare provider as our town has very little provision. I also have no car so I can't drop ds off anywhere and my husband is unable to take time off work at the moment as he has to be able to get away short notice for his father just in case)

She went ballistic with me, shouting (ALL CAPS) in texts saying that she didn't know what to do, its all been called etc etc. She's got to speak to her solicitor etc etc

I wouldn't have been able to attend court anyways as I was signed off work due to having hand foot mouth virus (freaking sore) and I went to send her a message to see how things went and she's deleted me from facebook and blocked me from whatsapp.

AIBU for wanting to talk to her solicitor and tell her not to bother contacting me again and I want everything I've done to help her removed from file?

Husband has said good, she's nothing but trouble (hes always had that feeling about her) I've saved all her messages to file and deleted them from my phone.

I can't believe how petty she's been- yes, I said I could help her but I really couldn't help her this one time and she's the one who's being moody?!

TL:DR version-
Friend flipped out and blocked me from FB as I couldn't go to court one time to support her.

Oh gosh, sorry OP - obviously I didn't read all the posts.

if you knew about tge court date for months you could have preempted being needed again. and your dh could have booked AL or taken a day emergency leave, or explained to his work that his wife was needed in court. or, instead of messaging her to let her down you coukd have spoken to her and tried to work something out.

and to ask for all your statements to be deleted? im not sure thats how it works. i hope you get summoned

If the court have chosen to ignore evidence I've given stating about the bruises and behaviour BUT have still given him unsupervised access to the children (hes now after overnight access) how are my statements of any future use? It was a pointless exercise even trying to help her as it stands as they are ignoring the wishes of the children by making them spend time with him and no matter how much me, her and her solicitor have stated this in previous letters its been ignored and brushed under the carpet.
I've tried to warn them what hes like, hes argued otherwise and has obviously won. The police weren't involved before despite me arguing with her that they needed to be to protect her in future.

Totally lost faith in the "justice" system when they can say that children still need contact with fathers at times like this

I didnt have a set date for the court until the 16th Jan- and papers weren't being sent out til the 19th/20th. It was due to be the 30th in court. Not months notice and when I previously asked the court about childcare they said it was up to me and the person I was being a witness for to sort out.

Disclaimer: IANAL (I Am Not A Lawyer).

In the states, a sworn testimonial can sometimes be taken (on paper or video) to be used in court if the witness cannot attend. Past statements in court might (might) also be admissible. You had good reason to not want to help, or to be unavailable, but at the same time, this is a dire legal issue for her and she had good reason to expect you to continue to support her legal battle. She was being unreasonable to overreact, but it sound like neither of you took a moment to question whether there were other ways you can still help without having to be present on the court date.

And this:

AIBU for wanting to talk to her solicitor and tell her not to bother contacting me again and I want everything I've done to help her removed from file?

Absofuckinglutely unreasonable. Absofuckinglutely petty. Don't you dare.

I think you are getting a hard time on here. You have been a good friend, supportive and practical and you have helped her. Doubtless you have spent many many hours worrying about her too, hence your DH's comments.

I think your mitigating circumstances are valid. Sometimes you can't just drop everything. You were not the only witness, and it seems as if you have submitted all the paperwork to the court previously. If your statement was that important you would have been summoned.

It does ounds as if the two of you have drifted apart if she lives in another town and you have not seen the children in over a year. Of course she was stressed and overreacted in words and by blocking you.

People calling you a terrible friend is unfair especially as you reached out to her to contact her. Now, I think YOU have over reacted to her blocking by deleting all her messages and wanting to contact her solicitor to withdraw all help. Perhaps with a little distance, when you calm down and are less angry with her, you may realise you have been a little hasty.

Hope your FIL recovers. Good luck OP.

So in consideration of your new posts, if this goes back to court you therefore want to enhance his chances by having your previous evidence removed?

Disgusting.

I ANAL

omg thats got to be the best acronym I've heard so far considering how many lawyers are complete ar$eholes lol

I wouldn't get my statements removed from her file, I'm not that petty but will be contacting her solicitor at some point.

You are incredibly vindictive for wanting to remove all the information you've given before. Even if you don't think it helped surely you would want to keep it there in case it helped in future? Do you want to remove it because you don't want to help her anymore? What sort of person does that?
And yes maybe she reacted unreasonably to you saying you couldn't help, but maybe she is not up to acting rationally because she is stressed about her children having to spend the night with someone they are afraid of! FFS!
Surely there would be some assistance from school, or the court in terms of childcare. Or a friend? Do you have any friends who could help? But if this is how you treat your friends I can understand why you wouldn't have a single friend you could ask to help with childcare.
Even if I wasn't convinced my evidence would be used I'd be damn sure I was there to give it.
Is there a tiny bit of you that can see that you are not displaying much empathy?

If the court or her solicitor had considered my viewpoint and evidence to have been worthy of merit, I would have been called as witness and my son would have had to go with me. If she was desperate for my help, she would have got back to me after speaking to her solicitor and I would have gone and infected the whole damn court and hopefully her shit of an ex.
Which would have been funny. Not so much if anyone elses kids had got it tho.

She didnt get back to me once I told her that I didnt think (not a definite no!) that I would be able to help despite trying....

Its not very likely I'll see her again, she sometimes comes into our town but no doubt will just ignore me/ avoid where I work and not bother asking how things went

OP I know it sounds like it should work that way but it doesn't always. If your friend is represented by a solicitor I would imagine she or he knows a lot better than you do the potential value of your testimony. If you have questions you should ask rather than just make assumptions that support your decision. Not that ANYTHING I can think of could support withdrawing previously given truthful evidence in a family court case. Certainly not something as ridiculously petty as being blocked on Facebook. My 15-year-old DD wouldn't be so vindictive and she lives and breathes by social media.

'Never saw the violence but saw her black eyes often enough and the bruises round her wrists on one occasion- and how the kids reacted to their dad (they were afraid of him, horrible to see- when he came near them they cowered and tried to move away even when youngest was only just cruising the furniture)'

So this is the evidence you bore witness to and provided in a Witness Statement. Which you now - as she has pissed you off - want to retract (you stated this very very clearly in your OP) simply because she has pissed you off?

Wow. Just wow. Unspeakably vile of you, despicable behaviour, utterly utterly contemptible.

IwasAM's post ... all of it.

Especially the "despicable behaviour" and "utterly utterly contemptible" part.

You know, someone who is terrified that she may be forced to hand her kids over to a vindictive, violent ex and never escape his baleful role in her life or their's, who may be suffering PTSD and is probably at the very least in a state of extreme anxiety all the time, is not really able to be reasonable and calm and sensible and people who cannot understand that, are incredibly ignorant and lacking in the most basic empathy.

Cut her some slack. She's going through hell. She can't be reasonable. She's fighting for her life here and her children's lives and she probably feels she needs to cut out anything or anyone that stops her doing that.

Try and understand.

Really unreasonable. I don't understand why your oh can't look after the children while you go to court?

oooh I got called a fuck head. Awesome. /sarcasm

Not like I don't get called that at work on a daily basis. Has to be something really inventive to get thru this thick skin.

You are being completly unreasonable OP!

I can see why you may think your evidences may not be enough as they haven't been in the past but depending on the judge, evidences that didn't seem to matter before can suddenly become extremely relevant later on. I know because my father was extremely abusive and fought nails and teeth to get my (and my brother's) custody just to spite my mother. It lasted until I turned about 17!
Each time we would go from my mother having full custody to the next judge giving him day-time visits with a social worker present back to my mother having full custody then him having shared parental rights and overnight stays and back and forth until we were too old for it to be worth it for him. The evidences and witness were always the same but the verdict kept on changing depending on the judge.

The one time he had full access to us without a social worker and my mother happened to be the worst week of my life, I wouldn't wish it on anyone and if one of my friends had suffered abuse by one of her partners and there was even the slightest chance that by going to court I could stop the bastard from having full access to his children, you can be bloody sure that I would make everything in my power to be there and support my friend.

I understand you are not in an ideal situation but it's children we are talking about. The fact that you considered, even for one minute, having your statement removed from her files is appalling! You've SEEN the bruises and black eyes and fear in those children eyes, yet wants to make it easier for him to have access to them ?

Try and see things from her perspective OP, and think about how you would feel if you were in her shoes and it was your children we were talking about.

"Not like I don't get called that at work on a daily basis."

Do a lot of people think badly of you then? Does that not perhaps tell you something?

I am sorry your friend shouted at you by text.
Maybe she is scared and worried that the children who you have seen cowering in fear from their father will be forced by court to spend time with him.
Would you want your child to be with a violent unpredictable man who they are scared of?
Yes she was rude to you but hey at least she didnt smack you around scream in your face and threaten you.

You cant go to court fine.
If you choose to withdraw your statement you are supporting a man that you know is violent to women and possibly children. I could not live with myself if i supported a man like that.

She was wrong to be angry but she was probably scared. Whatever you think of her, it's very wrong to punish her children and put them at risk of harm.

I was a witness for a work case, the case came up during maternity leave during the summer holidays. I had to take breastfed 2 month old plus older 4 children with me to to the court as I was summoned to attend. They have child friendly side rooms and court appointed people to sit with them whilst you give evidence.

Can everyone stop kicking shit out of the op - I think she should be allow one petulant (misguided ) comment after the months of support she has shown . When people they are hurt they do say petulant things - she just happpened to voice it here !

OP - I understand how hurt you feel and I don't expect this thread has helped .

Hide thread and have a think about what's the right thing to do regardless of your former friendship - if that makes sense ?

Yeah fuck OPs FIL, he doesn't need family help and support at all, people pretending OP will be just binge watching Netflix

I've been in abusive relationship.
If you are in a position to help then please do what you can to do so.

Forget everything else, she needs help right now.