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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend blocked me for not helping her

183 replies

colaflower · 03/02/2017 17:33

I'm fuming

Long time friend (over 5 yrs anyway) was in an abusive relationship, two lovely dcs, I've got a ds, they all get on well. I supported her (and vice versa!), there for someone to chat to and kept telling her to GTFO when her ex was being violent towards her. She moved away from him and alls cushty apart from him trying to get contact with kids. Its gone to family court and I have been a witness for her (although not called to stand I have been in court and have given statements etc)

She messaged me a couple of weeks ago saying it was back in court (which I'd known about for a couple of months) and I replied saying that I didn't think I would be able to help this time (FIL in hospital having a kidney removed as he has cancer, we have no family to help with childcare and I couldn't find a childcare provider as our town has very little provision. I also have no car so I can't drop ds off anywhere and my husband is unable to take time off work at the moment as he has to be able to get away short notice for his father just in case)

She went ballistic with me, shouting (ALL CAPS) in texts saying that she didn't know what to do, its all been called etc etc. She's got to speak to her solicitor etc etc

I wouldn't have been able to attend court anyways as I was signed off work due to having hand foot mouth virus (freaking sore) and I went to send her a message to see how things went and she's deleted me from facebook and blocked me from whatsapp.

AIBU for wanting to talk to her solicitor and tell her not to bother contacting me again and I want everything I've done to help her removed from file?

Husband has said good, she's nothing but trouble (hes always had that feeling about her) I've saved all her messages to file and deleted them from my phone.

I can't believe how petty she's been- yes, I said I could help her but I really couldn't help her this one time and she's the one who's being moody?!

TL:DR version-
Friend flipped out and blocked me from FB as I couldn't go to court one time to support her.

OP posts:
cx5221 · 03/02/2017 18:45

I kinda had a bit of empathy towards you at first but you sound worse as the posts go on.

The things she was asking you to write did you even bother to do that?
Did you refuse to go to court and then ignore her plea for a written statement too?
The solicitors may have lost what you have originally and requested another statement to help her case.

Even if you couldn't go to court you could have written a statement or something just to say what you witnessed.

Has it all gone through now because if it hasn't there's still a chance you could be called, also if her solicitor has to tell the judge her witness has pulled out at the last minute it might even make your original statement look dishonest like you were too scared to go to court and say the same things under oath.

If you do like this friend and want to remain friends with her then you've got a lot of making up to do.
I'm sorry your own home life is stressful too at the moment though and hope things improve for you.

tooclosetocall · 03/02/2017 18:49

Take no notice of the hate that's out in force tonight, OP.

The documents the solicitors have, I would leave everything as is. You shouldn't be asking for your remarks/comments to be removed from her file, this is unthinkable let alone unreasonable.

If you are called as a witness, go as a witness and hopefully (hopefully) you will be able to find suitable childcare in time. I know court timings can be tough. I've had to appear as a witness too. Make a plan somehow.

As for the friendship, well she's unfriended and blocked you. Leave her to it.

Theimpossiblegirl · 03/02/2017 18:49

Your first post sounded fairly reasonable, apart from even considering retracting your evidence (hopefully, that wouldn't be allowed, it would be an awful thing to do). Your second post was quite nasty and judgemental, not what a friend would say at all and your updates are not painting you in a very positive light at all, so I'd say walk away, you obviously don't like her, she's probably better off without your 'support'.

Petty and moody- or desperate to keep and protect her kids? Time to develop a bit of empathy I think.

ALittleMop · 03/02/2017 18:52

I was let down by ooh, you know, having no childcare that could be put in place for just a one off occasion, not having any family near enough to help out, having a really ill FIL and then coming down with a contagious lurgy that made me look like a carrier of bubonic plague.....

Er, none of those things would have prevented you from phoning her to talk it through, to problem solve a way that you could have been of support, including being there at critical moments.

Original poster
colaflower · 03/02/2017 18:58

if I havent seen the kids in nearly a year, how can what I've said in the past be of use now? they obviously ignored previous statements I have given (she refused to go to the police and get proper photos taken of bruising)

how can I help kids I dont really know now? they see other people every day that would be far better placed to say about the state they are supposedly in after visiting their dad- surely one of their teachers would be far more of use?

OP posts:
pipsqueak25 · 03/02/2017 19:00

some people are being rather harsh on here, you haven't really worded some of your posts very well so i can understand why you are getting jumped on, but...your friend is going through a very difficult time and has taken it out on you as a result, this isn't your fault obviously.
you've given statements etc so you might be called back to court, but will it really be that difficult to arrange childcare for a one off ? i can understand why dh is angry you are getting dragged in but he isn't helping on this occasion.
try to put this bad feeling aside and help her out with the court business if need be and then when that is done drop out the friendship if that's what you really want but you might find things will settle down a bit and you might be able to get the friendship back on some sort of even keel again.
at the end of the day the choice has to be yours to decide, people may bitch you on here or try to help but this is YOUR decision, no one can make it for you.

Original poster
colaflower · 03/02/2017 19:00

my phone being cut off was preventing me from phoning her... sorry but bills for heating/ electric/ food took priority.

OP posts:
Kirstyinnorway · 03/02/2017 19:01

*Oh, one of those.

OP: AIBU
Nearly everybody: Yes
OP: NO I'M NOT*

Yeah, this.

Chippednailvarnishing · 03/02/2017 19:02

they were afraid of him, horrible to see- when he came near them they cowered and tried to move away even when youngest was only just cruising the furniture

Well reading this, I hope that you are made to appear in court. You need to start seeing the bigger picture as to why she might have reacted the way she has, rather than being completely insensitive.

pipsqueak25 · 03/02/2017 19:04

cola your latest input does skew things and changes previous answers, 'newer' info will probably be better from other people.

mambono5 · 03/02/2017 19:05

who are all these weirdos!

Friend: could you please do...this and that.
OP (not specific on this thread): no, I can't because (valid reasons).
Normal person: oh please, it's very important, I need help, or we could compromise and do (something else).
Bizarre friend on thread: scream, rant, abuse and/ or block on all social media.

Then you wonder why OP(plural) have a sudden lack of empathy and lose the will to help. Why can't people ask for favours nicely and behave like civilised human beings? What kind of friend insult you suddenly?

laurzj82 · 03/02/2017 19:06

Drip feeding now. Everything Slanky said.

Sorry OP I don't agree with how harsh some of us are being on you but still think YAB massively U.

jakscrakers · 03/02/2017 19:06

I have been in your friends place OP so can totally imagine how and why she would block you, it doesnt matter people know her more now from where she lives, there is things you will know and have seen first hand that she will not want to disclose to others, she needs your compassion, she needs you just to be there even if it is only at the end of the phone, from what I read IMO you just want to wash your hands and move on, if only it was that easy for her ..

Hellochicken · 03/02/2017 19:08

Its court for access to her children, dealing with an abusive ex. Never been there but I imagine it is extremely important to her and stressful.

If a friend had previously said they would be witness and pulled out because they had hand foot and mouth . . . or because their FIL needed surgery, I would know they were not a friend.

You had weeks to arrange some childcare and you have 1 son in school until 3:20pm. What would you do for your own emergencies?

I wouldn't speak to you again, sorry.

Plus the bit about you retracting "everything you have done to help her" is cruel and frankly appalling.

Funnyonion17 · 03/02/2017 19:09

Mambo. Regardless of their friendship, you don't retaliate with ideas of removing evidence you've already given. Putting children at risk.

Of course many of us are disgusted with such suggestion, it's unthinkable for most decent human beings to stoop that low. When people have questioned the OP about such spite, her defence for it is that her evidence never helped anyway. Oh right so that's ok then. Seriously Hmm

LuluJakey1 · 03/02/2017 19:10

You just sound like a not very nice person. That is all.

Katy07 · 03/02/2017 19:11

Op has her own family emergency,her fil has cancer.Its not like she blew the friend off to ave her hair done.As bad as it is ,sometimes you have to prioritise your own stuff.
This. ^^

LuluJakey1 · 03/02/2017 19:11

I don't mean the bit about not being able to help her this time, I mean your attitude on this thread. You sound awful.

Maudlinmaud · 03/02/2017 19:12

If only you hadn't made those judgey posts op, this thread could have went very differently and you would have received better advice.
Shame all round really and I'm sad for your friend of course.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 03/02/2017 19:12

AIBU for wanting to talk to her solicitor and tell her not to bother contacting me again and I want everything I've done to help her removed from file?

Yes YWBU to do such a shitty thing. This woman escaped a violent relationship and is now trying to protect her children. You said you'd help her and then treated it as something like a hairdressers appt, easily cancellable and unimportant.

You have no clue as to what she is dealing with.

twattymctwatterson · 03/02/2017 19:13

Nothing to add other than what PPs have said. YABVU and sound quite spiteful

Original poster
colaflower · 03/02/2017 19:13

oh I am awful.

obviously. Otherwise I wouldn't be on MN ya know.

OP posts:
Treaclex · 03/02/2017 19:13

Funny thing is that if you have to appear in court they will help source childcare Hmm

AshesandDust · 03/02/2017 19:17

You're not a bad person OP - I hope all goes well with your FIL's operation. Flowers

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2017 19:18

but does the OP really need to try remove evidence and compromise the safety of her friends children. That is cruel.

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