Friend blocked me for not helping her

[colaflower]

I'm fuming

Long time friend (over 5 yrs anyway) was in an abusive relationship, two lovely dcs, I've got a ds, they all get on well. I supported her (and vice versa!), there for someone to chat to and kept telling her to GTFO when her ex was being violent towards her. She moved away from him and alls cushty apart from him trying to get contact with kids. Its gone to family court and I have been a witness for her (although not called to stand I have been in court and have given statements etc)

She messaged me a couple of weeks ago saying it was back in court (which I'd known about for a couple of months) and I replied saying that I didn't think I would be able to help this time (FIL in hospital having a kidney removed as he has cancer, we have no family to help with childcare and I couldn't find a childcare provider as our town has very little provision. I also have no car so I can't drop ds off anywhere and my husband is unable to take time off work at the moment as he has to be able to get away short notice for his father just in case)

She went ballistic with me, shouting (ALL CAPS) in texts saying that she didn't know what to do, its all been called etc etc. She's got to speak to her solicitor etc etc

I wouldn't have been able to attend court anyways as I was signed off work due to having hand foot mouth virus (freaking sore) and I went to send her a message to see how things went and she's deleted me from facebook and blocked me from whatsapp.

AIBU for wanting to talk to her solicitor and tell her not to bother contacting me again and I want everything I've done to help her removed from file?

Husband has said good, she's nothing but trouble (hes always had that feeling about her) I've saved all her messages to file and deleted them from my phone.

I can't believe how petty she's been- yes, I said I could help her but I really couldn't help her this one time and she's the one who's being moody?!

TL:DR version-
Friend flipped out and blocked me from FB as I couldn't go to court one time to support her.

You sound like you might need counselling to help you come to terms what happened to you OP.

Because there's a disturbing lack of empathy emanating from your posts, which I'm not sure you are aware, are coming across as abnormal.

Wow! You would consider contacting her solicitor and put the children in even more danger - shame on you.

You also keep saying that tour statement made no difference previously, so what's the point in trying again?

A different judge, may view things differently so lots of reasons to try again. The children's welfare being the biggest reason.

I'm sorry your FIL is unwell, but this was really important (and other emergencies may crop up) so could you not have explained that you needed to also deal with this to try to ensure the safety of the children?

Why couldn't your DH pick the child up for this occasion?

Your "friend" must be devastated! As for feeding her children junk, she was in a bad place then, she may now since she has separated from this monster be in a better place. Also, "she refused to get bruises photographed" well she still managed to escape the monster so to me she is awesome! She is now fighting tooth and nail for the children that you have witnessed recoil from their father....she asked for the help she very much needed!

All this had been said in previous posts, you've not once say. Ack and thought "so many people think I'm wrong", you've just drip fed about having no money for a phone, being abused in your job etc etc but the original question was not about your financial situation. It was about withdrawing your statement.

If you decide to withdraw this statement as punishment to the children's mother, then I hope you can live with the consequences! I personally couldn't.

Also, if you can find time/money for phone call to discuss the situation with the solicitor. Then you should've spent the time /monies on speaking to your friend!

I'm sorry! I think you're in the wrong!

We've had a lot of reports about PAs on this thread. AIBU is all about Mumsnetters voicing different opinions but there's no need to be nasty, so please bear that in mind when posting here or your posts will be deleted, even if they make very valid points.

OP
I know you've provided statements before but unless or until you've attended court to be cross examined on them they're not worth the paper they're written on. It's not that they were ignored before. The family court system works where there are lots of 'preliminary' hearings to see what can be sorted out by agreement between the parents without the need for evidence and the court to impose a decision.

Sounds like that's been exhausted and there's going to be a fight about overnight contact where evidence will be heard and the court will decide. This is where your evidence would have counted.

I'm not saying you were right or wrong not to go but you don't seem to realise why this hearing was so important.

I think it's really sad you couldn't help your friend. I see how difficult things are for you. But at the same time it's incredibly tough for your friend. I'm sure you could have got childcare from somewhere. Really it's her children you're going against not her. I do think you have BU. What a tough time for all involved. I hope the matter has gone well for her.

I think that it would have been reasonable to state that you would do your very best to help but that there could be problems with childcare. In those circumstances, she may have had suggestions or would have at least felt that you wanted to help. By stating in advance that you definitely wouldn't despite not knowing the dates, I think you have made it seem that you just don't want to help.

why did you post OP?
You really are not interested in another opinion?

Did you assume you were right and everyone would agree?

I haven't heard in a single comment you might have any thoughts about how she is feeling.If you have approached her this way then I don't blame her.

Also FIL is a complete red herring. He was in hospital you didn't visit him?

I can see both sides here: OP has hand foot and mouth, NHS advice to adults is to stay in doors as she is contagious, she has a seriously ill father in law, and no child care, it is very difficult to magic childcare if there is none. I am in that situation, I just have my op, no family or friends who could look after my dcs, one has ASD and learning difficulties, even more difficult to get appropriate child care. Good CM are ten a penny, and are all booked up. If court can provide op with childcare provision or allow her in court with the kids, than all be good.

However, op was very mean in wanting to spite her friend by withdrawing her statements, and contacting solicitors. She should have called her friend personally, and told her. Op friend is in a very awful situation and is under a great deal of stress anyway, and was acting out.

Shame on you OP, for wanting to contact her solicitor and withdraw all your previous statements. You might be wanting to get 'revenge' on your friend for blocking you on Facebook, but what you'd actually be doing is potentially putting her children at risk. Which is unacceptable. Don't do it.

Your ex-friend is under a lot of stress, and you had initally encouraged her to leave her dh, then supported her initially, and now can't. Leave it at that. Don't make things worse for her and her children.

Did we all miss the bit where the OP, after being abused and ranted at, still messaged to check on the friend in need, only to find she was blocked? And since she messaged to ask 'how things went', she clearly wasn't summonsed anyway or cutting off all support.

All she said was she 'didn't think' she'd be able to help, to which she got a gobful of abuse at a time when she has a FIL suffering cancer and is ill herself. Yes, her friend is in a terrible situation that explains this unreasonable reaction. So the OP is in one that explains hers, which she did then try to mitigate.

Friend is more in need at the moment, but this angel/devil scenario is fucking ridiculous.

Did we all miss the bit where the OP, after being abused and ranted at, still messaged to check on the friend in need, only to find she was blocked? And since she messaged to ask 'how things went', she clearly wasn't summonsed anyway or cutting off all support.

This. +1

OP, your "friend" is not a friend. She's a one-trick "look at me" pony who thinks the world revolves around her. It doesnt.

You are not responsible for her poor decisions in life. She fails to acknowledge you have a life of your own that come with its own priorities and importance.

Cut her off, block her back and continue your efforts and care for your family - they will always be grateful, unlike your ex-friend who showed you zero compassion.

I can't understand the hideous kicking the op has suffered on tthread, some of you need to take a good look at yourselves if you get your kicks being verbally abusive to a stranger on the internet with plenty troubles of her own. Bloody shameful behaviour.

YANBU OP. You have your own issues at the moment. Your friend may be too deeply involved in her own issues to recognise that.

and I want everything I've done to help her removed from file?

This is where you lost me. So spiteful and unnecessary.

Everyone piling onto the op is totally unfair, she has her own crisis and explained her very difficult situation, she did not say she unable to help her friend at all, just not at this time. She would not have been allowed in court anyway, with HFM disease as she's signed off sick from work by a DR. Really some people on here are very handy on the keyboard, without understanding there is a real life human at the other end. Op might have MH issues or other issues that she has not disclosed on here, and might be in an already fragile state. Really some of you need to take a good hard look at yourselves, are you just so perfect!

No wonder she has gotten defensive, as a lot of people on here have been very nasty and spiteful. I personally would have hidden the thread, after the first page. Op I know that you were probably acting in anger when you said you will contact your solicitor and withdraw your statements, please don't. Take a step back and focus on your family and getting better. Look after yourself

It's a shame you couldn't see your friend's behaviour for what it was - panic.

If you did, and allowed her time to calm down (or not), this thread would not have been necessary.

Were you really considering withdrawing your statements? That's awful, and about a million times worse than what your friend has done.

There must be procedures for people who are unable to attend court due to contagious illness. Video evidence? I'm surprised the op was allowed to the school to collect her dc with hand, foot and mouth tbh.

Mabey op wIted at a designated point outside school gates, and her DC brought to her.

IwasAM Fri 03-Feb-17 19:53:33
Message deleted by MNHQ for containing a personal attack.

ADishBestEatenCold Fri 03-Feb-17 20:09:19

'IwasAM's post ... all of it.

1: Clearly I was not alone in my view (see above + same inference from numerous other PPs)

2: I am stupefied at my post being deleted for 'containing a personal attack'. It didn't. There was nada resembling a 'personal' attack in there (& nor would there be as i: I wouldn't launch a 'personal attack' in any event; ii: I stick firmly to the behaviour, not the person - ergo zero chance of a 'personal attack').

I didn't call the OP a btch or any of the inappropriate other things other posters may have done - I simply directly quoted the OP's version of what she had witnessed abuse-wise and stated that I thought her then wanting to remove that evidence (child protection evidence FFS) due to her being pissed off with her friend was XYZ behaviour. I addressed my view of the behaviour - NOT of the person. There was zero* 'personal' attack in there.

Genuinely stupefied. There is a child welfare/safety issue at play here, an OP who overtly asked if she WBU to ask friends solicitor to remove her prior witness statements on account of being narked, a response saying yep you would be and that is X/Y/Z behaviour. And it not only get deleted but with a deletion message that overtly asserts I have made a 'personal attack' which is both utter bollocks and also pretty defamatory as utterly misrepresents what I wrote.

Crack on OP, you asked a question and got a pretty universal response but it's clear you'd prefer to ignore it. I feel desperately sorry for the situation your 'friend' is in and even more concerned for her children. If you want to abort your friendship then that's your call, but to want to then retract evidence that could help protect children simply as you're now pissed off is every shade of wrong.

OP - what happened to your ex-friend's case?
You were the key witness to the visceral fear her kids had of their violent dad. I wouldn't be surprised if she had lost and violent dad is now able to keep them overnight :(

In OP's own words:
"they were afraid of him, horrible to see- when he came near them they cowered and tried to move away even when youngest was only just cruising the furniture"

Ugh... courts are so protective of bio parent's rights, sometimes to the detriment of the kids :( Really hope OP's friend prevailed despite OP's no show.

IwasAM -- that's so strange...nothing offensive at all. Yes, you've been defamed.

Could we get an explanation by HQ please?

I concur miss and I've asked that, as a minimum, the deletion message is corrected.

I too would be curious as to the explanation but I didn't ask for one, I simply pointed out that that - wholly inaccurate and pretty misrepresenting - deletion message should be corrected/changed given i: it is inaccurate; and ii: there are folks in RL who know me and know my NN, IE people who both know me AND are reading something wholly inaccurate - negatively inaccurate - vis me.

I'm not one of the posters who gets confused and thinks they somehow own MN, or can 'dictate' what MNHQ can and cannot do (I think those folks are frankly barking), but I am someone who has not launched a 'personal attack' and someone who is far from happy about being characterised as such.

I certainly haven't reported anyone for personal attacks- sounds like the deletion was uncalled for when other posts were allowed to remain!

I was not a key witness- if I had been, I would have been called to stand the first time it went to court. My statements have been ignored as they are hearsay without concrete evidence- I've had that confirmed by her solicitor this morning. Because I have been a victim of domestic violence in the past, I was told that my viewpoint maybe 'coloured' by my previous history. Yay.

Well your off now then cola, and it is good for you, that it worked out, but do not withdraw any of the help or statements you gave in the past, that is nasty and cruel. As a victim yourself you should therefore understand what she is going through, no she should not have treated you like that, but as you know, she is not herself, and behaving like she normally does, as she is extremely stressed and upset. Give her space and time, don't act out of spite.