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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend blocked me for not helping her

183 replies

colaflower · 03/02/2017 17:33

I'm fuming

Long time friend (over 5 yrs anyway) was in an abusive relationship, two lovely dcs, I've got a ds, they all get on well. I supported her (and vice versa!), there for someone to chat to and kept telling her to GTFO when her ex was being violent towards her. She moved away from him and alls cushty apart from him trying to get contact with kids. Its gone to family court and I have been a witness for her (although not called to stand I have been in court and have given statements etc)

She messaged me a couple of weeks ago saying it was back in court (which I'd known about for a couple of months) and I replied saying that I didn't think I would be able to help this time (FIL in hospital having a kidney removed as he has cancer, we have no family to help with childcare and I couldn't find a childcare provider as our town has very little provision. I also have no car so I can't drop ds off anywhere and my husband is unable to take time off work at the moment as he has to be able to get away short notice for his father just in case)

She went ballistic with me, shouting (ALL CAPS) in texts saying that she didn't know what to do, its all been called etc etc. She's got to speak to her solicitor etc etc

I wouldn't have been able to attend court anyways as I was signed off work due to having hand foot mouth virus (freaking sore) and I went to send her a message to see how things went and she's deleted me from facebook and blocked me from whatsapp.

AIBU for wanting to talk to her solicitor and tell her not to bother contacting me again and I want everything I've done to help her removed from file?

Husband has said good, she's nothing but trouble (hes always had that feeling about her) I've saved all her messages to file and deleted them from my phone.

I can't believe how petty she's been- yes, I said I could help her but I really couldn't help her this one time and she's the one who's being moody?!

TL:DR version-
Friend flipped out and blocked me from FB as I couldn't go to court one time to support her.

OP posts:
LucklessMonster · 03/02/2017 18:14

You want to remove everything from her file?! The presumably truthful information you gave about her abusive violent ex?

So you want to increase the chances of her abusive, violent ex getting access to her children?

Yep. OP sounded awful enough then, but then went even further with the post bitching about her "friend's" parenting.

This lady is well rid of you, OP.

OurBlanche · 03/02/2017 18:15

So you want to increase the chances of her abusive, violent ex getting access to her children? That is REALLY unfair.

Such a stupid comment to make about someone whose own life is currently a bit pear shaped and, from what she has actually said rather than inventing something, has reached the end of her ability to care, cope and support someone else.

Such shit happens. If OP had been vital she would have been summonsed, she wasn't!

watchoutformybutt · 03/02/2017 18:15

You sound really nasty. Fair enough if she's blocked you it's not nice but be a grown up and let it go. How spiteful to want your statements removed and effectively "take back" your previous help. This is about the children. How could you have that on conscience?

NewDOOFUSfor17 · 03/02/2017 18:15

I've got to be honest, you sound fucking horrible. Your friend has had to endure an abusive relationship, which she has managed to get out of (that in itself is massive) and is now being dragged through the courts. She is undoubtedly incredibly stressed and has reacted badly because she feels you have let her down, although I'm not condoning it, it's understandable.

Your threat to have your evidence removed from file is so spiteful I don't even know where to begin.

Well done for helping her flee but shame on you for dropping her like a stone once it was done, at an incredibly vulnerable time, when she needed you most. You are nasty, spiteful and judgy and I wouldn't blame her for never speaking to you again.

OurBlanche · 03/02/2017 18:15

The irony of the spiteful judgement in the last couple of posts has made me laugh...

Original poster
colaflower · 03/02/2017 18:20

If the court wouldn't listen to previous statements I gave (and photos I sent and emails and letters and texts that I gave access to, allowed them to copy etc) and still allowed her ex access to the children then how can I help again? How can that increase the chances of him getting contact? If they don't believe anything they already have on file from me, have chosen to ignore me stating to a court appointed person (can't remember who he was but he was asking questions, something to do with family liaison?) about how I don't believe he should have access to the children and how its bad for them and they're better off without him.. if they choose to listen to someone who's barely seen all of them in over a year versus folk who see her and them every day?
Her solicitor didn't pick lots of folk last time they went to court it was me and one other mum- it was a wasted day that time as we sat in a side room and chatted about random stuff with the bloke that was due to sort out his divorce that day

OP posts:
Treaclex · 03/02/2017 18:21

Hmm some friend you are, can you not see it from her point of view ? You've supported her right up until now then blown her off completely by the looks of it you didn't explore any avenues in trying to help. She cut you off because you've let her down. Why on earth you'd contact her solicitor, that's extremely petty as for the nasty comments any need for that ? This is a story I can envisage appearing on JK

WyfOfBathe · 03/02/2017 18:21

YANBU to not go to court if you can't due to illness and family illness.

But YWB very, very U to ask for your statements to be removed from her file. Are you really willing to risk her children's safety just to get back at her?

Rubies12345 · 03/02/2017 18:21

Have you actually ever seen the violence?

MatildaTheCat · 03/02/2017 18:22

It's not quite clear from what you say whether you are there to offer support or as a witness. Your illness shouldn't stop you attending,mits not serious unless a baby or sick person is infected . In fact it would be wise to avoid the hospital while you have this.

However...I am currently in a court case myself. Many witnesses have been lined up and it's very hard to coordinate them. The judge has been very understanding about this. One witness was reluctant to attend and STILL the judge was sympathetic and willing to work to that person's availability even though he summons him. As a friend with limited input I doubt your views will be given very heavy consideration anyway.

Your friend is stressed and disappointed in you but is also very rude. Did she call and beg you to find a way to help? No. Did she offer any kind of solution? No.

You can't be taken off file. Your written statements will still be available to the court. If they want you there they will request your presence and you will need to go.

I find it hard to put up with rudeness like this so might email her saying something along those lines and making it known how exceedingly unimpressed you are to be treated like this after all your support.

SpringerS · 03/02/2017 18:26

You sound like a right bitch tbh OP and each update you make paints you in a worse light.

Funnyonion17 · 03/02/2017 18:26

AIBU for wanting to talk to her solicitor and tell her not to bother contacting me again and I want everything I've done to help her removed from file?.

No yanbu for being unable to help atm. However it would be seriously dangerous and spiteful of you to retaliate by asking for all your supporting contributions to the case to be removed. Regardless of her being petty. She and her kids have suffered at abuse at the hands of this man, why would you want to do anything that may contribute to putting them at harm again?

Olympiathequeen · 03/02/2017 18:27

I'm with your DH on this one. She sounds very demanding and not very understanding. If you are not a witness (which I gather you are not this time) then there was no need to attend. If you are a witness then the court should give you reasonable notice.

Just block her too and write the whole business off. Doesn't sound as though you are that close anyway any more, emotionally or physically

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2017 18:28

AIBU for wanting to talk to her solicitor and tell her not to bother contacting me again and I want everything I've done to help her removed from file?

Aeroflotgirl · 03/02/2017 18:30

Op you have already helped a lot, you have your own mitigating circumstances, what are you meant to do with the kids, leavethem home alone! You have hand foot and mouth, so highly contagious.she sounds very stressed, but your situation cannot be helped.

Original poster
colaflower · 03/02/2017 18:32

Never saw the violence but saw her black eyes often enough and the bruises round her wrists on one occasion- and how the kids reacted to their dad (they were afraid of him, horrible to see- when he came near them they cowered and tried to move away even when youngest was only just cruising the furniture)

I tried everything I could to get childcare- there are very few (read ONE) out of school place in town and all the childminders are either fully booked or unable to collect from our school. I was trying for a couple of weeks to get something in place and I didn't leave it til the last minute before getting in touch with her. She was asking me to write things out for her solicitor that they should already have on file too which was a bit Hmm

I haven't been to the hospital thankfully- FIL is on his way home at the moment and I'm not contagious anymore thankfully!

I tried messaging her on facebook when I noticed that she'd unfriended me but she then blocked me

OP posts:
Original poster
colaflower · 03/02/2017 18:34

You sound like a right bitch tbh OP and each update you make paints you in a worse light.

Really. Gosh.

OP posts:
ALittleMop · 03/02/2017 18:34

"petty" and "moody" are not words I would use to describe someone scared to bits about protecting their children from a violent ex

You should have rung and talked to her about your situation and how it would effect your ability to support her in person. You could have been supportive over the phone. And you should have been prepared to move heaven and earth to be a witness, if needed (not, as others have suggested that you would have a choice if summonsed). Clearly this is a stressful time for you too, but nonetheless YABU

ALittleMop · 03/02/2017 18:37

Rubies "Have you actually ever seen the violence?"

Are you for real?

Original poster
colaflower · 03/02/2017 18:39

I should have been prepared to move heaven and earth to be a witness.

I was.

I was let down by ooh, you know, having no childcare that could be put in place for just a one off occasion, not having any family near enough to help out, having a really ill FIL and then coming down with a contagious lurgy that made me look like a carrier of bubonic plague.....

OP posts:
LucklessMonster · 03/02/2017 18:42

Oh, one of those.

OP: AIBU
Nearly everybody: Yes
OP: NO I'M NOT

BlondeBecky1983 · 03/02/2017 18:42

If you have a central role on deciding the future of her children (e.g. How much contact they have with an abusive father.) then I would say you are being very unreasonable. Her reaction is probably because she is so upset but the prospect of what might happen.

Funnyonion17 · 03/02/2017 18:42

Op you have already helped a lot, you have your own mitigating circumstances, what are you meant to do with the kids, leavethem home alone! You have hand foot and mouth, so highly contagious.she sounds very stressed, but your situation cannot be helped.

Yes your right, but does the OP really need to try remove evidence and compromise the safety of her friends children. That is cruel.

RevEm · 03/02/2017 18:43

Sorry but yes, you are being VERY unreasonable....I would block you too. This is not a game, it's her life, it's the life of her children that are at risk. Her reaction is totally understandable, you may make the difference as to whether her children are allowed contact with a man who is a danger to them and to whether he will finally be out of her life for good. The fact you don't realise how important this is, why she is so upset with you and the fact that you are vindictive enough to want to withdraw any help you've given her in the past because you're pissed off with her is frankly selfish, spiteful and totally unbelievable.

SlankyBodger · 03/02/2017 18:44

After school clubs. Breakfast clubs. If you were to be summonsed (and her Court date could have been deferred and you could still be called, perhaps). Tell the school why you need the extra time before and after normal hours. Ask one of your child's friends' parents if they can help. There are all sorts of ways you can have your children cared for.

What she is going through in order to protect her children from the abuser is magnificent.

I understand how stressful your life is with your fil dieing, but you are not dealing with that alone; she is.

Have some compassion and understanding.

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