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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend blocked me for not helping her

183 replies

colaflower · 03/02/2017 17:33

I'm fuming

Long time friend (over 5 yrs anyway) was in an abusive relationship, two lovely dcs, I've got a ds, they all get on well. I supported her (and vice versa!), there for someone to chat to and kept telling her to GTFO when her ex was being violent towards her. She moved away from him and alls cushty apart from him trying to get contact with kids. Its gone to family court and I have been a witness for her (although not called to stand I have been in court and have given statements etc)

She messaged me a couple of weeks ago saying it was back in court (which I'd known about for a couple of months) and I replied saying that I didn't think I would be able to help this time (FIL in hospital having a kidney removed as he has cancer, we have no family to help with childcare and I couldn't find a childcare provider as our town has very little provision. I also have no car so I can't drop ds off anywhere and my husband is unable to take time off work at the moment as he has to be able to get away short notice for his father just in case)

She went ballistic with me, shouting (ALL CAPS) in texts saying that she didn't know what to do, its all been called etc etc. She's got to speak to her solicitor etc etc

I wouldn't have been able to attend court anyways as I was signed off work due to having hand foot mouth virus (freaking sore) and I went to send her a message to see how things went and she's deleted me from facebook and blocked me from whatsapp.

AIBU for wanting to talk to her solicitor and tell her not to bother contacting me again and I want everything I've done to help her removed from file?

Husband has said good, she's nothing but trouble (hes always had that feeling about her) I've saved all her messages to file and deleted them from my phone.

I can't believe how petty she's been- yes, I said I could help her but I really couldn't help her this one time and she's the one who's being moody?!

TL:DR version-
Friend flipped out and blocked me from FB as I couldn't go to court one time to support her.

OP posts:
LouisevilleLlama · 03/02/2017 21:35

Not to mention the stress that cancer puts on the family like OP of those that have cancer, I get it's an important case for her friend but everyone having a go at OP like she's going on a spa day instead of helping her friend

SkyblueAnnie · 03/02/2017 21:35

YABU

I'm trying to think of the circumstances where I had seen my friend with black eyes and other bruises, watched her children cower in the presence of their father and not be at court to offer whatever help I could however small.

It sounds like you have been having a really difficult time yourself and I understand why this may feel like one more thing to cope with on top of everything else.

But it would haunt me that I didn't do everything in my power to help. Your help may have made no difference, they may have not taken your evidence into account but at least you would have tried.

I would like to think I would have found a way to do this for a stranger nevermind a friend

LouisevilleLlama · 03/02/2017 21:36

NotaPotion im guessing OPs FIL with kidney cancer doesn't need help and support right now Hmm

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/02/2017 21:38

The people pouring vitriol on OP

That's quite abusive too IMO

Really nasty - people in glass houses hey

Original poster
colaflower · 03/02/2017 21:43

I work in a pub. I get verbal abuse practically every day of the week for refusing to serve people (shock horror!) that are already drunk or for having to remove people from the premises for their behaviour. Best one recently was a real fat sod that was refused for being drunk- he called me a fat c--- and I had to laugh and tell him if that was the best he could call me, he was up past his bedtime.

Thankfully FIL is now home safe and tucked up in bed. Hes not telling us the whole truth about his cancer though, we know that and are expecting the worst- its just trying to keep the worst of it from DS at the moment.

OP posts:
FeelTheNoise · 03/02/2017 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ for containing a personal attack.

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 03/02/2017 21:53

Yabvu

WayfaringStranger · 03/02/2017 22:10

I agree that OP doesn't deserve this level of abuse on here. However, I don't agree that it was misguided. I think it's spiteful and while I know we often behave badly when hurt but she's punishing the children. That said, I totally understand your predicament with childcare, OP. For me, it was the malice in saying you want to withdraw evidence but hopefully you only said that out of hurt and anger.

summerbreezer · 03/02/2017 22:14

OP, why did you bother asking if you are unreasonable if you are so firmly convinced that you are not?

bumsexatthebingo · 03/02/2017 22:29

Yabu. The ex may not be physically harming the children for now if he is trying to get more contact. The courts may need more info from you/things clarified. I'm sure if you were being made to send your kids to stay with someone who hurt them and that they were scared of you would move heaven and earth to stop it happening and good friends would be right by your side. Is there really not one of your kids friends mums who could have had them for a couple of hours after school one day?

thisismyfirsttime · 03/02/2017 22:30

But I don't think anyone's upset with your circumstances OP, if you feel you have a lot going on which you clearly do and can't attend to support your friend that's one thing. Your friend did overreact by blocking you and caps lock shouting at you. But it is disgusting, vile and just plain nasty to respond to that by wanting to withdraw all evidence you've given on her behalf, the implication of which being that because she's been horrible to you during a difficult time for you you would withdraw your support and let her kids be around a violent, abusive man to spite her. Can you not see that is exactly how it comes across? Because that's exactly what you've said? Nasty. Hateful. It's not about her right now!

Original poster
colaflower · 03/02/2017 22:41

its not about her, its not about me and the court didnt previously give a fig about her kids otherwise they wouldn't have given him contact- end of. They have been forcing contact despite repeatedly being told about what hes like and even with testimony from solicitors, the police ~(from harassment where she has moved to), teachers, doctors and the social workers.
i know what its like to have suffered domestic violence, my ex husband damn near killed me with a machete (and I can hear parts of you all applauding now and telling me I deserved it!) I just think it odd how when I told her how things were with me that she didnt give a fuck- and only got in touch (first time since November despite me messaging) because she needed me.

I can take the hate. I don't know any of you and to be frank I'm very very glad of that.

It makes for good TV though

OP posts:
WayfaringStranger · 03/02/2017 22:44

I'm genuinely sorry for what you've been through. Flowers Of course you didn't deserve it and you are clearly a brave and strong woman for surviving. Do you think that maybe, on some level, it's still causing you pain hence your emotional response to her text? I mean, of course, you don't just get over that sort of trauma but I wonder if it reminds you of something you wish to shit away.

WayfaringStranger · 03/02/2017 22:45

^^ shut away not shit away. Blush

bumsexatthebingo · 03/02/2017 23:13

No-one is going to say that you 'deserved' to be attacked. But imagine you had to send your kids to that monster - you'd want all the help you could get to stop, or at least, limit the time he got with them unsupervised. Just because the ex is currently being allowed access that doesn't mean your friend is ever going to give up trying to keep her kids safe.

Chathamhouserules · 03/02/2017 23:19

But can't you see she might be extremely stressed and therefore not acting rationally? Her stress might be leading to poor decision making. Could you give her an inch in the circumstances? She's stressed that her children might have to stay away with an abusive ex. And, while you have had a bad time with abuse and that's awful, it's no reason not to sympathise with her? Surely if you know what it's like it is more reason to understand her reasons for acting rashly in blocking you?
And in your original post you said 'as I could go to court one time to suppprt her' like each 'one time' she went to court wasn't actually very important.
I don't understand your point of view at all.

Chathamhouserules · 03/02/2017 23:20

Couldn't go to court one time, not could go to court

MajesticWhine · 03/02/2017 23:31

You and friend are both behaving badly. Just put it behind you. She's blocked you so there's nothing you need to do, unless you are desperate for the last word.

Haffdonga · 03/02/2017 23:46

You witnessed something that might make the difference between 'friend' keeping her children safe from an abuser or not. She asked you to repeat what you saw in court. You refuse and she cuts contact.

And you are furious with her ??? Confused Shock

I wonder if you don't quite understand the enormous massive importance of what she asked you to do for her. Even if she wasn't a friend but someone you'd only seen across the street once, you have a moral obligation to tell the truth if asked. Even if you get asked to go to court a hundred times and they don't ever listen to anything you say you should still go the hundred and first time.

The only thing I can imagine is that you just don't understand what you've done.

You really honestly should be extremely ashamed of yourself.

Haffdonga · 03/02/2017 23:47

You witnessed something that might make the difference between 'friend' keeping her children safe from an abuser or not. She asked you to repeat what you saw in court. You refuse and she cuts contact.

And you are furious with her ??? Confused Shock

I wonder if you don't quite understand the enormous massive importance of what she asked you to do for her. Even if she wasn't a friend but someone you'd only seen across the street once, you have a moral obligation to tell the truth if asked. Even if you get asked to go to court a hundred times and they don't ever listen to anything you say you should still go the hundred and first time.

The only thing I can imagine is that you just don't understand what you've done.

You really honestly should be extremely ashamed of yourself.

GrapesAreMyJam · 04/02/2017 00:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

misshelena · 04/02/2017 04:50

OP - you asked how your testimony could possibly be more important than someone else', like teachers, who've actually seen the kids more recently. I'll tell you why -- because you saw what yourself described below:

"they were afraid of him, horrible to see- when he came near them they cowered and tried to move away even when youngest was only just cruising the furniture"

I doubt any of the pp currently in your friend's life has witnessed what you described, since she moved out there after she left her husband. And since the hearing is to determine whether or not violent dad is allowed to keep your friend's kids overnight, your testimony would have been among the most crucial considerations.

Did she lose her case because you couldn't be there for her, this one time when it really mattered? If she lost, I can understand why she blocked you from her life :(

Insomnibrat · 04/02/2017 04:56

Threatening to remove a sworn witness statement because you've been blocked on facebook is about the most petty, spiteful thing I've ever, ever heard.

Ellisandra · 04/02/2017 05:01

You're not doing yourself any favours with your responses in here Hmm

For something this important, I'd have taken my child out of school for a day, and with me.

What conversation did you have with her about her finding childcare help for you?

This was a biggie, and you let her down. You certainly didn't just not bother - but it sounds like overall, you did let her down. And her kids.

Scrumptiousbears · 04/02/2017 05:50

You really have turned it all on her and everyone else OP.

Bottom line - leave it now. No contacting her solicitor - forget it. It's irrelevant whose fault it is. You didn't go. She got pissed off and blocked you. You want to get the last word in via her solicitor. That is very petty and if you are as busy as you say why bother. Solicitor doesn't care about your pettiness and probably won't pass on the message either. You'll give the office a good laugh though.