Oh holy fuck I need to move house immediately. And change my name and possibly have facial surgery.

[EssieTregowan]

We live in a detached house. There is a small row of terraced 'starter' houses opposite (this is relevant).

I can back from the school run to find a hand delivered card on the mat to 'Rebecca'. Rebecca lives opposite in one of the terraces, but I couldn't remember which one.

Anyway, I've just seen her pull in so I dashed out the front to hand it to her. She apologised for the inconvenience and I laughed and said 'no worries, who ever it was obviously thought you were better off than you are!'

What the actual fuck is wrong with me?

I just went all shivery as soon as I said it and turned round and ran indoors. Oh my god what must she think of me?

I have often crippling social anxiety and often blurt out stuff without thinking but this has to be my worst ever.

Kill me now. It would be a kindness.

I'm sorry I have nothing useful to say but that made me laugh out loud.

Jesus OP! Even I don't know what else to say to that

I'm sorry that is so mean and so funny!

Ummmmm.......... [gun emoticon]

oh my god! You actually thought that sentence, that's bad enough but then you said it. Outloud? Geez.

Next time you see her mention your drug issues. It's less embarassing.

Oh urm what did Rebecca say ? You are a numpty but i think you know that

Oh, I don't even know what to say to make this better. She maybe will think you are a Harry Enfield considerably richer than you type?

Me too. 😬😬😬😄😄😄😄

Oh crikey OP! At least you recognise you've said something daft!

I say daft stuff too sometimes. I struggle to deal with fairly normal social situations. We've had a workman in over the past week and just the act of offering him cups of tea is really stressful! And I keep saying silly things and being clumsy. It's bloody awful.

Fucking hell, you poor sod

I don't even think like that. I've no idea why it came out of my mouth.

I actually hate myself right now. I may never leave the house again.

Oh god that's awful but hilarious sorry!

I would deffo be moving

Oh god, thats bad. I do the same kind of thing, but....ouch.

With any luck she'll assume she misheard/misunderstood you, thinking that you couldn't possibly have said what she thinks she heard.

Dude.

Yeah, that's pretty bad!

Go over there now and apologise profusely. Say that it didn't come out quite the way it sounded in your head.

She didn't say anything. I fled. I mean I literally ran back into my house and slammed the door.

Pop a note through her door saying sorry for being a dick, you have a problem with blurting nonsense?

Why was that even in your head?

Holy fuck.
Eeeeeeeeeeeek. Made me laugh too.

Apology note, no idea what I was thinking etc etc etc and flowers.

Go over, you can't leave it like this.

Hot sweet tea, OP. Hot sweet tea .

Oh my God, I'm dying for you! Massive intake of breath here!

I have no idea how to rectify it though - maybe a card through the door expressing mortification and inviting for a coffee? At a cafe, rather than in the more valuable house.....

Oh dear. Put a note through the door.
Rebecca I'm so sorry for saying what I did. I am a complete idiot and my mouth ran away with itself. I don't think I'm better off at all- especially in social etiquette. My only excuse is I suffer from crippling anxiety and said the wrong thing. Please come over for a coffee soon and let me apologise in person. Essie.

Ok, so here's what I said to the young guy opposite who was working on the exterior of his house :

"It looks lovely. Thanks for giving us something nice to look at.... The house I mean, not you"

Cue hoots of laughter from inside my house from teen boys

I was simultaneously creepy and insulting

Go over and own it.

Explain that you're a bit shy and sometimes shit you don't mean comes out of your mouth. Tell her you're bloody mortified.

You never know, you might end up with a new mate.