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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL's hints that we really should start reproducing....

127 replies

BuggerMyBum · 02/02/2017 12:45

NC for this.

MIL is very keen for us to begin reproducing and is continually dropping hints.

Me and DH are doing up our house. We have three bedrooms. We're contemplating what to do with the third (whether to extend the bathroom into it so we have a giant bathroom or use it as a study/bedroom). MIL has said about fifty thousand times "It'd make a nice nursery".

When we bought the house, we said we were overjoyed that we didn't have a garden, just a yard, so there's little maintenance to be done. MIL said "Well, you might want to think about a garden in a few years"

When I went for promotion at work, MIL didn't say anything but looked like she was actually going to start hyperventilating. After all, I should be thinking about putting my career on the back-burner not trying to progress.

It's completely doing my head in. She's staying for five days. She's only been here half a day and already I want to flush her head down the toilet. WIBU to do this? Or should I just lock myself in the shed for her visit?

OP posts:

Ilovecaindingle · 02/02/2017 12:46

Tell her a nursery is a great idea. . Stick some tomatoe plants etc in there!!

F1GI · 02/02/2017 12:48

Do you and dh want any children? If not, I would probably tell her as it's clearly something she spends a lot of time dreaming of and if it isn't to be, then it might be kinder to tell her directly.

Lottapianos · 02/02/2017 12:49

Oh dear god, how tedious. Flushing her head down the toilet sounds very restrained to me under the circumstances.

How do you feel about reproducing? Either way, her comments are extremely insensitive and intrusive.

PurpleDaisies · 02/02/2017 12:49

Tell her those sorts of comments aren't helpful and you'd like her to stop.

Nobody should be pressuring anyone else to have a baby.

Whydidwedoit4times · 02/02/2017 12:50

Tell her you never ever plan on having children. Ever.

That should do it and maybe even make her leave.

In my experience mils like this are also very little support and help when babies do arrive. sensible mils like me are wonderfully practically supportive mind you.

Original poster

BuggerMyBum · 02/02/2017 12:50

Ilovecaindingle That's an amazing idea!!

F1GI We told her a couple of years ago that we didn't want children. She completely dismissed it saying we'd change our minds

OP posts:

Batteriesallgone · 02/02/2017 12:51

Just tell her you don't want children?

DustyMaiden · 02/02/2017 12:52

Reminds me of when my Mil offered to buy DH a new suit, for the christening. There was no baby expected or planned.

BastardGoDarkly · 02/02/2017 12:52

Next time she drops a hint, just breezily but clearly say... Oh, that won't be happening/ happening for a while, so she has some kind of answer.

How annoying, but nah, you can't flush her, not on the first day anyway.

UpWithPup · 02/02/2017 12:53

Have you actually acknowledged her hints? Next time she says something just give her a definitive answer (it doesn't have to be true!) - MIL, we're not having DC until we've done up the house / for another few years / every.

oleoleoleole · 02/02/2017 12:55

Tell her neither of you want children, although you regularly have sex you always use precaution so any thoughts of being a grandma should be shelved!

BertrandRussell · 02/02/2017 12:56

Say "Yes, that's true, but we'not thinking about children for another 5 years at least"

ohfourfoxache · 02/02/2017 12:58

She is being extremely rude and you need to be blunt. Or get DH to deal with it- but if you're blunt and he pussyfooting around then it might be better for you to do it

Original poster

BuggerMyBum · 02/02/2017 12:59

We've told her we don't want children. We told her "properly" a couple of years ago. Since then we've dropped it into conversation several times.

Now we don't bother acknowledging the hints. She doesn't listen. She doesn't care. She chooses to believe we'll change our minds.

And still she hints....

She's rearranging the fridge as I type

OP posts:

Wumpychoo · 02/02/2017 12:59

Just say every time "We won't be having children." Every time.

Lottapianos · 02/02/2017 12:59

'She completely dismissed it saying we'd change our minds '

People who say stuff like this deserve a toilet flushing at the very least

Would the direct approach work with her OP?

'When you have children......'
'Oh we're not going to be having children MIL'
'Oh you'll change your mind.....'
'That's actually really hurtful MIL' / 'oh did you change your mind about having yours?' / 'why on earth would you say that?'

PurpleDaisies · 02/02/2017 13:00

You need to be really clear that those sorts of hints are out of order and you won't tolerate it. If she does it again tell her clearly to stop and leave the room. Repeat until she gets the message.

Lottapianos · 02/02/2017 13:01

Sorry x-post. She just doesn't do boundaries, does she?

BertrandRussell · 02/02/2017 13:01

Sorry, missed your post.

"Yes, but as you know, we're not going to have children so we won't need a nursery. Now, bigger bathroom or study. What do you think?"

Spare a little headspace to acknowledge the fact that when it sinks in, she will be grieving for a future she won't be having, though. Be clear and firm, but kind.

ohfourfoxache · 02/02/2017 13:02

Sod flushing her head down the loo.

Put her in the yard and grab the hose pipe

User543212345 · 02/02/2017 13:03

Tell her it's a great idea to make the third room a nursery, her next born can stay in it when they visit as they're more likely to be born than any children of yours.

amammabear · 02/02/2017 13:03

Not very pc, but just tell her that as you used to be a man and don't have a womb that you won't be having children, and unfortunately the severity of your criminal record means that you aren't able to adopt. If she then mentions childhood photos of you as a girl or anything like that, just explain that they gave you a new identity when you left the young offenders institute.

Do prewarn you DP though...

StrawberryShortcake32 · 02/02/2017 13:05

I had a similar experience with my MIL. She's lovely but was really excited to become a grandma. We got comments like 'when am I going to get my grandbaby?"
On our wedding she told us we would have to go to bed early in order to make her grandchildren.
We had our 4 month old son 3 years after we got married as we wanted to enjoy each other first.
She lives overseas thank goodness! She insisted on coming over for the birth (DS arrived 2 weeks late lol)

I didn't really deal with it myself as my DH put her in her place every time she got silly with the grandchild comments.

Having a baby is a massive deal and will change your lives (not to mention your body) forever. It's your life and not something you ever want to do. I would tell her that if DH won't intervene and then if all gets too much let her know she's not welcome to stay anymore if she carries on making you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Good luck

Original poster

BuggerMyBum · 02/02/2017 13:05

A direct approach might work but she's very good at turning tables to make you look like a paranoid knob who takes everything personally. Plus, she's very careful to talk about stuff very generally rather than about us having children IYSWIM

So: "This would be a good nursery"
"We're not having children"
"I know, I just mean it'd make a nice nursery"

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 02/02/2017 13:06

Just as a big of encouragement, if you and your dh hold the line that she can't make comments like that, it will get better. It's bloody annoying in the meantime though.

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