MIL's hints that we really should start reproducing....

[BuggerMyBum]

NC for this.

MIL is very keen for us to begin reproducing and is continually dropping hints.

Me and DH are doing up our house. We have three bedrooms. We're contemplating what to do with the third (whether to extend the bathroom into it so we have a giant bathroom or use it as a study/bedroom). MIL has said about fifty thousand times "It'd make a nice nursery".

When we bought the house, we said we were overjoyed that we didn't have a garden, just a yard, so there's little maintenance to be done. MIL said "Well, you might want to think about a garden in a few years"

When I went for promotion at work, MIL didn't say anything but looked like she was actually going to start hyperventilating. After all, I should be thinking about putting my career on the back-burner not trying to progress.

It's completely doing my head in. She's staying for five days. She's only been here half a day and already I want to flush her head down the toilet. WIBU to do this? Or should I just lock myself in the shed for her visit?

amamma Nah, I won't warn DH, the look on his face would be great

I don't quite understand the urgency, im guessing it could be impatience on MIL's part. Take it with a pinch of salt, consider asking her DS to have a quick word. It's your life at the end of the day.

Tell her your Dh has had a vasectomy and/or you've been sterilised because, as you've told her before, you DON'T WANT CHILDREN!

Would that be enough to stop her comments?

And definitely flush her. Do it now.

I know this is very insensitive to people who can't have children but have you considered telling her you can't have them (and omit to say that it's because you use contraception)? I ended up going down this road, admittedly with a crashing bore I was stuck with at a party rather than MIL, after being berated for about 20 minutes that I wasn't a proper wife because I wasn't giving my husband children after I'd said we aren't having them. It did stop him talking about it.

That probably won't work sweary-she'll move on to giving advice about the best way to get pregnant, IVF, etc.

How fucking rude she is.

I have 1 grandson who I adore and had 4 children myself. It wouldn't bother me a jot if I had no more Gcs or a dozen.

Really annoys me this pressuring to reproduce and worse dismissing your choices like this.

Shove her head in and do a swirly.

Yeah, then we'd get the lectures about not really trying hard enough. If you pardon the pun.

She's finished unpacking, we're off out for lunch. I will update later!

So: "This would be a good nursery"
"We're not having children"
"I know, I just mean it'd make a nice nursery"

Reply: "But why mention a nursery when you know we aren't having children? I've just told you we want to extend the bathroom" Followed by a puzzled look.

Broken record technique. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

The only way with people like this is to keep repeating the blunt message, kindly but firmly.

Is your DH her only child? So she's having trouble taking in that she would become a grandma? or does she have other kids/other grandkids?

*"This would be a good nursery"
"We're not having children"
"I know, I just mean it'd make a nice nursery"

How about a different approach?

"This would be a good nursery"
"Why would we want a nursery?"
"I'm just saying it would make a nice nursery"
"Yes, but why are you saying it? Why is it relevant?"

etc

we're off out for lunch

Did MIL make your menu choice for you?
Never move on your boundaries, OP, give em and inch, etc.

You could always say ''We'll we do have a lot of sex but the way we're doing it won't get me pregnant for sure ''

I agree with MrDacresEUSubsidy and Megatherium.

• well, not we'll

Oh that sounds awful, Op.

It's like you're not a person, just a means to them becoming a GM!

" It wouldn't bother me a jot if I had no more Gcs or a dozen."

What about none at all?

I'd love to be a GM, but hopefully I'll be able to stop myself from hinting/commenting.

''We'll we do have a lot of sex but the way we're doing it won't get me pregnant for sure

I'd reply to the nursery comments with, "Well, that's for David* to do with his next wife."

Tell her you've been sterilised.

Turn it into an S&M room. Lots of chains, whips, giant dildos and lube. She'll never set foot in there again, much less mention it.

It's now said that something like 30/40% of women under 40 will never have children, mostly by choice, and more for graduates, which suggests that having children is no longer the norm.

How old are you? At some point, you do get to the age where people realise you're serious and mean it when you say that you don't want children and that it is obvious they wouldn't fit into your lifestyle. Eg, I do things like scuba dive and mountain bike, which I would obviously have to give up if I was pregnant and being a parent of a baby would seriously curtail, especially as these are the things that DP and I generally do together.

I'd honestly have to cut her out of my life. Very few things annoy me more than parents who think they have an entitlement to be a grandparent. They chose to have children, probably see it as the best thing they ever did, their proudest achievement etc, but that does NOT mean their children, regardless of how many they had, will feel the same desire to be parents, some might not even be able to have children. Her dropping hints is cruel and disrespectful, no parent should ever impose their desires on their child, they should be allowed to grow up and decide for themselves if children is something they want, without any pressure. Even the subtlest hint will make a child feel like they're disappointing their parent for not giving them a grandchild, and can be enough to push them to becoming a parent and having regrets for doing so, even if they love their kids unconditionally. I've known since i was a pre teen that my MH issues mean i couldn't cope with a pregnancy or birth, let alone child raising, so being a mum has never and will never be on the cards. My parents totally understood and respected that, and only ever wanted for me to be happy. If i ever have a serious long term relationship, it will be child free. I have PCOS so could have reduced fertility, but otherwise AFAIK i can physically have a child, i just couldn't mentally cope and i'd be high risk of passing on MH issues to the baby. Obviously potential partner would know children are not an option before we got in to a relationship, and i'd expect him to tell his parents that before i met them. I'd take very badly to having a hint dropped, let alone being told "i'll change my mind" and them insisting on holding hope of a grand child from me. It would ruin/prevent any kind of positive relationship, i'd want nothing to do with them, certainly wouldn't have them over to stay, and i'd be conveniently out if they ever were visiting.

I think DP and I are let off the 'but I need some grandchildren' comments because all our siblings have provided more than amply in that department.

I have 13 nieces and nephews on my side and DP has 5.

I don't have kids. I was led here wanting some advice about the step children I do have and stayed for the hell of it I used to get this a fair bit and I said, 'I have some very weird genes in my family and I do not wish to replicate them'. It shuts down conversation of any sort on this subject and might be worth a try.

"I just mean it would make a nice nursery."

"Mmm. Maybe. It would make a nice S&M dungeon though wouldn't it? Plenty of space for a sex swing..."

"This would be a good nursery"
"Why would we want a nursery?"
"I'm just saying it would make a nice nursery"

"Oh, I see. You're right - the NEXT PEOPLE WHO LIVE HERE will probably love to have it as a nursery. I'm thinking more of an office, or a games room."

"amamma Nah, I won't warn DH, the look on his face would be great "

Ah go on... Do it!