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Original poster

MIL's hints that we really should start reproducing....

127 replies

BuggerMyBum · 02/02/2017 12:45

NC for this.

MIL is very keen for us to begin reproducing and is continually dropping hints.

Me and DH are doing up our house. We have three bedrooms. We're contemplating what to do with the third (whether to extend the bathroom into it so we have a giant bathroom or use it as a study/bedroom). MIL has said about fifty thousand times "It'd make a nice nursery".

When we bought the house, we said we were overjoyed that we didn't have a garden, just a yard, so there's little maintenance to be done. MIL said "Well, you might want to think about a garden in a few years"

When I went for promotion at work, MIL didn't say anything but looked like she was actually going to start hyperventilating. After all, I should be thinking about putting my career on the back-burner not trying to progress.

It's completely doing my head in. She's staying for five days. She's only been here half a day and already I want to flush her head down the toilet. WIBU to do this? Or should I just lock myself in the shed for her visit?

OP posts:
Original poster
BuggerMyBum · 02/02/2017 14:20

*born

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 02/02/2017 14:23

"Having a baby is a massive deal and will change your lives (not to mention your body)"

It changes your life, but not necessarily your body. It didn't change mine. (I had DD at 41).

Deranger01 · 02/02/2017 14:26

can you have a huge roll top bath in the middle of a bedroom like the trendy lifestyle mags? I had one before surprise baby 2 and I miss it! Surely one bath is easy to remove :)

Aki23 · 02/02/2017 14:35

From your posts it might just be best to start ignoring the hints rather than be drawn into a conversation. That's what I did (until I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant...)

gillybeanz · 02/02/2017 14:35

Just tell her you have no plans to start a family for the foreseeable future.

sobeyondthehills · 02/02/2017 14:37

I am very biased cause my bathroom is tiny and there is no way we could extend it.

How about buying a cat/rabbit and making it their room.

Fluffycloudland77 · 02/02/2017 14:39

Oh buy the roll top bath. You'll love it.

Basicbrown · 02/02/2017 14:40

Yep, remember this well. How to make DIL feel like a walking baby factory rather than a person in her own right. Every time I saw her she'd be wittering on about x and y who I'd never met and had just had a baby or was 'expecting a baby' it drove me fucking spare.

amusedbush · 02/02/2017 14:42

My mum is perfectly happy with the fact that we don't want kids but my MIL? Not so much.

I can't stand it when people say, "Oh, you'll change your mind!"

Can you imagine if I went up to a pregnant person and said, "plenty of time to change your mind!" ShockHmm

pipsqueak25 · 02/02/2017 14:44

'reproducing' - urgh might this sound like a breeding programme, i'd tell her to mind their own.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/02/2017 14:45

"It would make a lovely nursery."

"Yes it would, for someone else. I take your point though, we need to bear this in mind so we don't limit our future buyers."

Rinse and repeat. Replace baby hints with house selling advice Wink

pipsqueak25 · 02/02/2017 14:47

lama a woman's body does change after child birth even if you can't see it, esp pv, there is usually someone talking / complaining about it on a thread on one of the boards, without going into details.

GigotdAgneau · 02/02/2017 14:56

My FIL (Greek) asked me the day after we married if I was pregnant yet.

Diverkitty10 · 02/02/2017 15:04

Tell her that you realise she has a bad case of grannylust and as you and partner know you're not going to have any children in the short/medium and long term that you've gone and researched into the 'adopt a granny' route for her. Google 'adopt a granny' and then print out a pack for her. did this with my mum - had her 'adopted' by her next door's children. Re never having children, 20 years after being married - we thought might be nice to try (although if didn't happen we were happy and defo not doing IVF route) and now have a 2 year old (and no he's not IVF lol). There's a lot of distance between me and mum thank goodness - she's worse than any MiL re constant critique on my parenting skills....sigh.. lol :) Good luck and yes put in the baby runner beans/tomatoes suggestion from ilovecaindingle and show her and say you thought the nursery suggestion a great idea

ImperialBlether · 02/02/2017 15:06

It's now said that something like 30/40% of women under 40 will never have children, mostly by choice, and more for graduates, which suggests that having children is no longer the norm.

I just don't believe that!

MagicChanges · 02/02/2017 15:08

Yes I know it's wearying -MIL here and yes I was desperate for grandchildren but I never made any such comments - I think mothers of MILs or anyone for that matter should refrain from making these kind of comments. Thing was my son and DIL were trying and then told their only chance was IVF and my DIL came and cried on my sofa ...............ah the pain for them was awful. I recall soon after seeing a young couple in the park with an adorable baby just able to sit up (and sitting on a blanket) they were having a picnic - it was a lovely sunny day and I just felt so sad. BUT then a short time later son and dil got pregnant with first round of IVF - oh the joy of their daughter and our grand-daughter.

The other sons and dils also had children so I was very lucky. I did mess up once though - I went with younger son and dil to see a house and there was a lovely garden with children's toys in it and I said "oh that might be nice........." and DIL gave me a hard stare. That was enough - not another word was spoken.

Can I just say though in defence of these MILs that wanting a grandchild is very similar (I think) to wanting a baby - it's a sort of primeval urge, BUT they should not make these comments. But it's not just MILs is it - other relatives and friends make comments and it's especially hurtful if the couple are trying and nothing happening. BUT as usual on a MIL thread there are lots of spiteful comments from DILs. God don't you realise if you have sons most of you will be MILs one day -and it will be sooner than you think as the years go fast. Please be kind OP - just say calmly that you're not planning children yet or ever or whatever.

Original poster
BuggerMyBum · 02/02/2017 15:14

Magic I have, many times. She refuses to respect my decisions about not having children. She's convinced (or hoping) we'll change our minds. She needs to be kind to us and not drop hints like farts all over the place.

I don't know if it's a primeval urge but even if it is, tough shit. It's a primeval urge which can only be satisfied by my womb and my womb is my business and no-one else's. Plus, she already has GCs

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 02/02/2017 15:16

'It's now said that something like 30/40% of women under 40 will never have children, mostly by choice, and more for graduates, which suggests that having children is no longer the norm.'

'I just don't believe that!'

Having children is still 'the norm', in that more people become parents than don't, but numbers of women without children are increasing all the time. There are many reasons for that, but its true that the higher a woman's education level, the less likely she is to have children. Google Jody Day and the Gateway Women online community

Lottapianos · 02/02/2017 15:17

'I don't know if it's a primeval urge but even if it is, tough shit.'

Well said OP. Your MIL can't help her feelings but she can help what she does with them

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 02/02/2017 15:21

@ImperialBlether Thu 02-Feb-17 15:06:34

20% of the women who were born in 1967 have not had children (assuming their childbearing days are over). Double the figure thirty or so years previously. There is every reason to assume this will be a higher figure for those fifteen years younger for whom choosing not to have children is less unusual.

I haven't see the 30 or 40% figure suggested. It's way too early to tell. I know plenty of women who were 'not having children' at 35 who had them by 45. But things are changing very quickly.

gnushoes · 02/02/2017 15:25

Just saying.... I didn't want any children either... but after rather a late start I have 3 and no regrets. Spent a lot of time telling both sets of parents didn't want any kids, too.

ExplodedCloud · 02/02/2017 15:29

I'd be dropping hints that DH is firing blanks tbh. Probably best to tell DH before you do though. Take the heat off you.

bigbadbarry · 02/02/2017 15:29

Can you extend the bathroom a bit but leave enough bedroom to have it as a study?

user1484578224 · 02/02/2017 15:31

Hey I know somebody who lives in a tip with a manky fridge and loads of kids.
Would she be interested in helping out?

Original poster
BuggerMyBum · 02/02/2017 15:32

bigbad That's the plan, yes. The bathroom needs extending a little bit anyway. It's just whether to pull the wall completely out and have a huge bathroom or just steal about 500mm from the third bedroom.

gnu And what about all the millions of women who didn't want any children and told parents they didn't want any children and then didn't actually have any children.

OP posts:
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