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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

new nanny troubles

176 replies

Ponderingprivately · 02/02/2017 05:26

I am probably being unreasonable but I am finding my new nanny hard to work with. While the children are both young and we are both working we felt this was going to be the easiest type of childcare. I am having some trouble with getting her to follow my rules/routine.

For example, I have asked her not to add salt to their food when she cooks (twice a week). I tasted the food earlier this week and it was very salty, I asked her about it and she said it was 'tasteless without'. I had already specifically asked her not too add it.

Yesterday I arrived home at 1pm, and said I would put the toddler (18months) for his nap, only he caused such a fuss and I tried for an hour before giving up. After I tried and failed, she told me she let him fall asleep 'on the sofa watching teletubbies for 5 minutes only at 12' - so this is obviously why I couldn't get him to sleep again. Also, watching TV is something I've asked her not to do.

A few nights ago, I asked her to bath my children as this night me and DH are both late home from work. When I arrived home DD (4) and DS (18mo) were in the bath alone, while she was folding towels in a bedroom next door. I was very cross about this as I believe it is very dangerous to leave them unattended, and I did let her know.

Having spoken to her she said her last employer was 'fine with TV, and sofa naps'. I actually don't really have a problem with sofa naps, but 5 minutes isn't really enough. I was quite specific that she needs to follow my rules in my house.

Am I being unreasonable or is she not good enough? I am thinking of going to the agency I used and asking for a change of nanny, although I don't want to be petty.

OP posts:
SouthWindsWesterly · 02/02/2017 05:33

She's not working for you and has ignored what you have requested. It wouldn't be petty to change your nanny - contact the agency.

RebootYourEngine · 02/02/2017 05:33

Apart from the bath thing she doesnt sound like she is doing much wrong in general. A lot of people wouldnt mind the tv and sofa sleeping however this is not how you want to parent so i would find a nanny who will look after your children the way that you want them to.

LapinR0se · 02/02/2017 05:35

I would get rid of her, she sounds lazy and negligent

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 02/02/2017 05:37

Yanbu
The bath thing is dangerous.
And you are only finding out about these things because you are checking on her - who knows what else she could be doing? - if she is finding your rules difficult to follow she should be talking to you suggesting amendments, not just breaking them.
It also doesn't sound as though she is concerned about these things, "it was tasteless without", rather than "oops, I put it in without thinking, do you think it tastes OK without though, will they eat it? OK, I'll remember to leave it out in future".
Check your contract to find out how you can proceed.
Often there is a month or so at the beginning when you can terminate employment without fault. After that you need to raise a grievance etc first as her employer. If you are in the early period I might be tempted to end her employment tbh if you think the agency could find someone else.

Believeitornot · 02/02/2017 05:41

Apart from the bath thing she doesnt sound like she is doing much wrong in general

That would be fine if she were a parent.

But she's not. She's an employee and needs to follow the rules. Which she isn't. I would put her on notice OP. Is she under probation?

gazingatthestars · 02/02/2017 05:46

I would ditch her - she's openly and deliberately not respecting what you want - you are paying her so every right to expect her to do what you want! The salt and bath thing could be v dangerous

Original poster
Ponderingprivately · 02/02/2017 05:47

Thanks for your thoughts, yes she is on probation so I will put her on notice, mostly because of the bath thing. My children squabble a bit in the bath to be honest (!) so anything could have happened if one had pushed the other.
Like I say, I'm not particularly bothered about where he naps as long as it's not for 5 minutes only as my evenings are difficult., but at 18 months I'd prefer to hold off on the TV.

I am only working part time at the moment, but awkward hours that change weekly so this is how I can 'walk in' on her at a given moment. Not too impressed so far.

OP posts:
Tootsiepops · 02/02/2017 05:49

I'd sack her for leaving the children unattended in the bath. That's negligent. The other stuff is annoying, but not really the end of the world.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/02/2017 05:52

YANBU to ask the agency to find a replacement.

lorelairoryemily · 02/02/2017 05:53

I'd get rid of her, the bath is so dangerous, she's an employee who's ignoring instructions and endangering your children

ItsSoUnfairSoItIs · 02/02/2017 06:02

I think the bath thing, yes, an issue.

I would say if you want someone to bring up your children to your rules then you need to parent. You cannot rely on another person doing exactly as you wish. I don't get why TV is such a big issue? The salt issue maybe it was an oversight. If I worked for you I'd think snowflakes in the making here, so would be glad to go to a more relaxed environment. If you want stimulation Montessori typically take on from 18 months, it might do you well to have DC in that environment and get an au pair.
If you are saying ok I want this that the other done and my children supervised and stimulated, you'll need someone who has experience of doing that with a broom placed anally so the Nanny can sweep too!

shinynewusername · 02/02/2017 06:02

She is a childcare professional and she leaves an 18m old in a bath unattended? Shock She needs to go.

And the other things aren't a big deal by themselves but the red flags are that she has ignored your direct requests and not apologised when you have picked her up on them. I wouldn't trust her.

londonrach · 02/02/2017 06:03

Yanbu, let her go shes not suitable for you. Who leaves children that young in the bath alone and at a recent weaning talk i was told Salt is dangerous for young children. No, let her go!

Original poster
Ponderingprivately · 02/02/2017 06:09

If I worked for you I'd think snowflakes in the making here

Good of you to judge me from one post. My children are not snowflakes. They actually have plenty of access to television at the weekends, in the mornings when they get up and before they go to bed and have stories. I don't think it's particuarly precious not to want additional TV for a toddler age only 18 months.

I have already said that I don't object to sofa naps, but 5 minutes is not long enough for a very young child that still needs to nap in my opinion .
I don't want salt in their food. If they were at a nursery or a childminder this wouldn't be an issue - I've chosen a nanny for the flexibility as my working hours are difficult.

If not wanting my children to be left unattended in the bath at their age makes them 'snowflakes' then so be it.

OP posts:
ItsSoUnfairSoItIs · 02/02/2017 06:24

No no no you didn't read what was written. The bath situation - dangerous. Yes be hopping mad. The other issues aren't end of the world scenarios. If she has to go to the toilet what do you want her to do with your DC's? Also agree 5 minute nap not ideal, but I'm sure the Nanny wasn't thinking your DC would drop off.
So you allow TV at certain times, but you would like someone who can do activities and keep your children engaged all day? Is this a bit of do as I say not as I do?
The salt issue unideal, but maybe she was just on the spot and miffed that you made such a judgement. As she has to respect you, she can only say so much.
I think that is a big part of this she has to respect you, doesn't mean she agrees with your assertions. Like I can't see why a small bit of TV before lunch is bad.
If you want guaranteed stimulation as I said previously, most Montessori schools take children 18 months plus. She'll have lots of fun and they potty train the Montessori way into the bargain.

loona13 · 02/02/2017 06:25

So mornings, evenings and weekends when you need to entertain them are ok to watch TV, even for 18mo, but with nanny they are too young Hmm

OldGuard · 02/02/2017 06:26

itssounfair what delightfully awful post

Op sounds like she's not a good fit for you - best nannys work with parents and where they have experience that differs from what the parent has requested, they talk to you and you discuss it together - good nannys do not ignore parental wishes and never leave 18 month old unattended in bath

ItsSoUnfairSoItIs · 02/02/2017 06:28

The way I would have dealt with the salt situation. taste Oh is there salt in this? Nannies response OK but ideally we don't want salt to be used, but if you're eating too you can season it after to your taste. Don't want to sound pedantic, sorry if I do. Obviously there was a miscommunication. Is that OK for future cooking if you avoid salt?

ItsSoUnfairSoItIs · 02/02/2017 06:29

Pretty much what Ioona said Smile

Original poster
Ponderingprivately · 02/02/2017 06:32

So you allow TV at certain times, but you would like someone who can do activities and keep your children engaged all day?

I'm not going to win this one am I?! If the children watch TV on my watch = bad, if I prefer for the person I am paying an awful lot of money not to watch TV with my toddler = also bad.

I have not in any place at all in any of my posts said I would like someone who can do activities and keep my children engaged all day - although is that such a big ask from a paid childcare professional? I give her money to take DS to certain playgroups and activities, and at home he has a playroom full of toys and a large garden with outdoor equipment. She already watches TV with the children when DD gets home from pre-school, where she is most of the time so doesn't need to be engaged.

OP posts:
ItsSoUnfairSoItIs · 02/02/2017 06:32

Maybe I'm a pacifist who likes to keep the peace and believe the vast majority of people wouldn't harm anyone intentionally. I'd give people the benefit of the doubt, especially as it's a new situation for the Nanny, so a lot to take in. If she sees you allowing TV, an assertion could be well it's not a total ban.

Original poster
Ponderingprivately · 02/02/2017 06:34

Okay. I get it, I am unreasonable because I hoped I had employed someone who could do as I had asked for the money she is paid. There is already a set time during the day where she watches TV with DD and DS anyway.

I'll keep her, as it is clear that this kind of thing would not upset anyone else, and I am being precious about my 'snowflakes'.

OP posts:
Beautifullymixed · 02/02/2017 06:34

If you are paying for childcare, in your home, as the OP is, then I believe you can specify what care you would like.
How hard is it to follow a parents request? These are not difficult demands either, and the bath one is downright dangerous! Shock
I have five dcs, and also look after my neices/nephews in school holidays. I do this from twelve weeks.
They are Gina Ford types, and anal. Although I have twenty plus years more parenting experience then them both, I still follow their instructions. Carefully printed out! Wink
Why? They are not my children. I respect the parents choices for their own dcs, and follow them as professionally as I can.

OldGuard · 02/02/2017 06:35

pondering I think you're fine - find a new nanny - it's perfectly acceptable to restrict tv

TheDowagerCuntess · 02/02/2017 06:40

It is utterly pointless to post on here about issues you might be having with a nanny or au pair, due to a chippy minority who will take the opportunity to have a go at you.

I'm sure they all sit in front of the TV or on their phone when they're being paid to work, and think that's perfectly reasonable.