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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

new nanny troubles

176 replies

Ponderingprivately · 02/02/2017 05:26

I am probably being unreasonable but I am finding my new nanny hard to work with. While the children are both young and we are both working we felt this was going to be the easiest type of childcare. I am having some trouble with getting her to follow my rules/routine.

For example, I have asked her not to add salt to their food when she cooks (twice a week). I tasted the food earlier this week and it was very salty, I asked her about it and she said it was 'tasteless without'. I had already specifically asked her not too add it.

Yesterday I arrived home at 1pm, and said I would put the toddler (18months) for his nap, only he caused such a fuss and I tried for an hour before giving up. After I tried and failed, she told me she let him fall asleep 'on the sofa watching teletubbies for 5 minutes only at 12' - so this is obviously why I couldn't get him to sleep again. Also, watching TV is something I've asked her not to do.

A few nights ago, I asked her to bath my children as this night me and DH are both late home from work. When I arrived home DD (4) and DS (18mo) were in the bath alone, while she was folding towels in a bedroom next door. I was very cross about this as I believe it is very dangerous to leave them unattended, and I did let her know.

Having spoken to her she said her last employer was 'fine with TV, and sofa naps'. I actually don't really have a problem with sofa naps, but 5 minutes isn't really enough. I was quite specific that she needs to follow my rules in my house.

Am I being unreasonable or is she not good enough? I am thinking of going to the agency I used and asking for a change of nanny, although I don't want to be petty.

OP posts:
Ihatenicknames · 03/02/2017 18:36

I would get rid of her while she is on probation.

Waffles80 · 03/02/2017 18:58

to be honest I would say if you want to ensure your children are bought up 100% by your rules the answers is to stay home and raise them yourself that's the only way to guarantee it.

Oh fuuuuuuck off.

TheProblemOfSusan · 03/02/2017 19:04

The bath thing is really bad, surely? I don't have children, ttc, but surely even at 4 you would only leave them for the briefest if moments and at 18 months not at all?

Otherwise, the salt, the TV, the nap - any one of those things would be a "that's not how we want it, please do x" situation, but altogether it seems like she's just not listening at all to what you've asked for.

All good reasons to ask for a new person, and explain partly that it's fit and also your concerns about the bath thing.

And FWIW I don't think any of those requests were snowflakey, especially when you're paying for care.

isadoradancing123 · 03/02/2017 19:07

Because of the bath incident alone she cannot be trusted with your children

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 03/02/2017 19:12

to be honest I would say if you want to ensure your children are bought up 100% by your rules the answers is to stay home and raise them yourself that's the only way to guarantee it

In any job, an employee is expected to follow instructions/rules from the person who pays their wages. Why is this different?

OP the bath thing alone would be enough for me to get rid, the rest of it is lazy and rude, and added up, also enough to get rid. I've never had a nanny and will never be in a position to have a nanny, but I think you're quite right to expect her to follow basic instructions which she is being paid to follow.

Chippednailvarnishing · 03/02/2017 19:13

I'm not wanting this comment to sound harsh

You don't sound harsh, you sound like a GF.

Yukbuck · 03/02/2017 19:18

I've not read all the posts. But just wanted to say you and definitely not being unreasonable! If she's admitting that much to you then I'd worry what she's not telling you! TV is used for maximum 20 mins per day maybe 2/3 times a week when I'm working. I don't even add salt to my own food very often so I do not think it's unreasonable to ask her not to use it in the kids food. Bath situation seriously unreasonable. So so dangerous. Sofa nap wouldn't annoy me too much. Just because you can't always help kids falling asleep. But then again, maybe if tv hadn't been on he may not have fallen asleep. Please find a new nanny and please don't lose faith. There are good ones out there!

beargrass · 03/02/2017 19:25

YANBU. The bath thing is dangerous. The salt is definitely not on, and if a child is in a routine, ignoring it with no good reason is cruel. You should definitely get rid. And ignore those criticising you.

MrsFogi · 03/02/2017 19:32

I would get rid of her. Bath is totally unacceptable and negligent. As for the rest you pay for a nanny so that you have someone doing things the way you want them done in your house - otherwise you would save some money and go to a childminder/nursery.

MrsFogi · 03/02/2017 19:33

And just to add - stick to your guns on TV. I had nannies for 8 years and not one of them had an issue with the rule about no TV in that time.

Pleasestoplickingthetv · 03/02/2017 19:43

Nanny and Mum here.

Bath thing - get rid of for that alone.
Salt - I don't like my children having salt and I would expect a simple instruction like this to be followed.
TV - if I was paying someone to look after my children then I would expect them to be able to do so without TV. And yes, I do use it when i'm with them but that's also because I've got lots of other things to be getting on with at the same time so its helpful. A nanny wouldn't necessarily have this.
I'd also be concerned about what else she had ignored you for so it's obviously not going to work out.

BabyBoo11 · 03/02/2017 19:45

Haven't read other replies but I'd have sacked her on the spot when discovering the Bath thing... and also slapped her senseless for putting the lives of my precious children in danger and reported her to the agency / which ever body governs nannies!

As to the other stuff, it's not stuff that would massively bother me but it's YOUR children, your house, your rules and she needs to follow them to the letter!

MollyHuaCha · 03/02/2017 20:12

I worked as a nanny for a year when I was 19. I never watched TV with the children - not even once. I considered it my job to care for and entertain the little ones in my care. I followed the mum's instructions to the letter. On my first day, mum left for work when one child was in the bath. A few minutes later the downstairs phone rang incessantly. I ignored it until bathtime was finished. It had been the mum ringing, testing me to see if I wd leave a 2 yr old alone in a bath!

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/02/2017 20:28

Nurseries and daycares don't have the option of plonking kids down in front of a TV. Yet somehow it's utterly unreasonable for a nanny to be expected to entertain a child without the TV.

colaflower · 03/02/2017 20:45

Can you get one of those spy cameras and watch what she does during the day? maybe shes not being entirely truthful as to tv time etc?
Bath thing is negligence tho YANBU

AvaCrowder · 03/02/2017 20:54

wingingitmomma I do expect people who I engage to carry out their job to a higher standard than me. The tax accountant, the hairdresser and taxi drivers for example. If they performed at my level I would be bankrupt, with a terrible barnet in a ditch.

Op yanbu bath, salt, tv. Is she qualified?

Melaniaspilatesinstructor · 03/02/2017 21:40

I was a nanny for years before becoming a teacher and now, as a relatively new parent I can say that is be really upset to discover anyone looking after my child leaving them unattended in the bath. Even my 10 yr old DSD is checked on every few minutes when in the bath.

Original poster
Ponderingprivately · 03/02/2017 23:54

Well that's a nicer problem to have. to be honest I would say if you want to ensure your children are bought up 100% by your rules the answers is to stay home and raise them yourself that's the only way to guarantee it. I'm not wanting this comment to sound harsh my best friend offered to watch my daughter so I could return to work. Um okay. She's wasn't my friend, she is a paid professional.

Anyway, thanks for the supportive messages. The agency were horrified by the bath incident and went out of their way to help me terminate her contract asap. She had all the relevant qualifications - Enhanced DBS, paediatric first aid and a childcare qualification, I think she just didn't want my job, and possibly didn't like me much, so not sure why she took it.

Someone asked why she was folding towels - part of her remit, as discussed at interview was to put the children's towels on to wash and dry every other day - this isn't because they are snowflakes (!) but because they both have very bad eczema where their skin flakes badly. This was her reason for folding towels, although she could either have not done this then, or done it in the bathroom while supervising.

I am very glad I have dismissed her, and I am interviewing 3 new nannies on Monday, through a different agency. I know what questions I will be asking in detail and I have also looked at a flexible nursery nearby which I may visit again with DH early next week.

OP posts:
superoz · 04/02/2017 00:16

OP, just come out of lurking to say YADNBU. Can't believe some of the comments here, are we in some kind of a bloody time warp?! Good luck with your search for a new nanny and hope you find someone reliable!

SundialShadow · 04/02/2017 00:31

Hello OP,

I've had a few live in Au-pairs and Nannies over the last decade and I can tell you from experience that the only way the relationship will work is if the Nanny runs your household the way you are comfortable with.

Leaving small children unattended in the bath is a massive red flag for me.
You had asked her not to add salt to food but she thought it was clearly ok to not respect your decision on this point.
Not asking you what was an appropriate amount of nap time for the children is another red flag too.

Ignore those using the snowflake word, they do not see what goes on in your house day to day and it probably feeds some sort of superiority complex to throw words like that around.

There may be a middle ground here.... Your contract with your Nanny should specify all your wishes for reasonable care of your children. Do you have TV time / nap time / cooking standards / when it is NOT ok to leave the kids unattended specified all defined in your contract with her? If not, it may be time to rewrite that document and lay all this out in writing. You can also think about extending her probation for an extra month to ensure your wishes are being respected. You can alert the agency to the fact you are doing this too. The really good pro-active ones will bring her in for a chat about your concerns and act as an intremediatary. This may resolve everything or bring everything to an end. The latter may not be ideal but at least you can tell yourself you tried all reasonable and fair avenues before you let her go.

Best of luck!

user1485688403 · 04/02/2017 11:11

Absolutely spot on. The argument that as an employer you can be hypocritical about standards, is ok in theory, but in practice, harder. If you're expecting your Nanny to enforce behavioural standards that you yourself don't keep to, that's an issue. It's tough as a Nanny to have to be bad cop when parents want you to enforce rules that they don't see through themselves.
Consistency is key. Although the OP rules are perfectly reasonable in my eyes. Too many parents are way too hung up on the TV thing. As long as it's monitored and not excessive, I see no harm. I allowed my kids to watch a reasonable amount of TV, my eldest went to Cambridge, so don't think it harmed his intellectual growth.

wingingitmomma · 08/02/2017 23:29

It really wasn't meant as a nasty comment.
Sorry to anyone who took offence I'm not in a position to hire a nanny myself but even a paid professional I wouldn't trust to do things my way even if I had stacks of cash that was the point I was trying to get across I really wasn't trying to be mean. Hope
It's been sorted for you and you are happier with the childcare you are receiving. Also what's a GF? I'm assuming it's some kind of insult lol

corythatwas · 08/02/2017 23:52

wingingitmomma Wed 08-Feb-17 23:29:27
"but even a paid professional I wouldn't trust to do things my way even if I had stacks of cash"

Really? So I can go into the office tomorrow and tell my boss that if he wants things done his way he'll have to do them himself? Well, I can see that going down well...Hmm

The whole point of being an employee is that you provide the service required by the person who is paying your wages and/or the person put in charge of ensuring that this service is provided according to specification.

wingingitmomma · 08/02/2017 23:59

I totally agree that's what a paid employee should so but when it comes to
Child care it's tricky it's down to mothers preference. Geez can't I say anything right? I did say I didn't mean to sound mean and I was sorry if it caused offence. Stop picking every single thing apart!

apringle · 09/02/2017 01:10

Wow, she sounds horrible- new nsnny

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