new nanny troubles

[Ponderingprivately]

I am probably being unreasonable but I am finding my new nanny hard to work with. While the children are both young and we are both working we felt this was going to be the easiest type of childcare. I am having some trouble with getting her to follow my rules/routine.

For example, I have asked her not to add salt to their food when she cooks (twice a week). I tasted the food earlier this week and it was very salty, I asked her about it and she said it was 'tasteless without'. I had already specifically asked her not too add it.

Yesterday I arrived home at 1pm, and said I would put the toddler (18months) for his nap, only he caused such a fuss and I tried for an hour before giving up. After I tried and failed, she told me she let him fall asleep 'on the sofa watching teletubbies for 5 minutes only at 12' - so this is obviously why I couldn't get him to sleep again. Also, watching TV is something I've asked her not to do.

A few nights ago, I asked her to bath my children as this night me and DH are both late home from work. When I arrived home DD (4) and DS (18mo) were in the bath alone, while she was folding towels in a bedroom next door. I was very cross about this as I believe it is very dangerous to leave them unattended, and I did let her know.

Having spoken to her she said her last employer was 'fine with TV, and sofa naps'. I actually don't really have a problem with sofa naps, but 5 minutes isn't really enough. I was quite specific that she needs to follow my rules in my house.

Am I being unreasonable or is she not good enough? I am thinking of going to the agency I used and asking for a change of nanny, although I don't want to be petty.

OP you are not being unreasonable at all. I have had a nanny for over 6 years and I have learnt to talk to them if they do something wrong.

This isn't about judging how you parent, which is how some posters seem to be responding. If the OP doesn't want TV and doesn't want naps messed up, then the nanny listens to her employer and does as requested. I didn't allow TV until the dcs were older and she was fine. If she didn't like it, she could get a new job.

As the dcs get older, I'm slightly more relaxed about TV although I think the nanny relies on it too much.

Anyway, OP, put her on notice and find someone else. The bath alone would piss me off.

So mornings, evenings and weekends when you need to entertain them are ok to watch TV, even for 18mo, but with nanny they are too young hmm

They watch it for 20 mins in the morning, 15 minutes in the evening and DD is allowed to pick one show for her and her brother to watch on a Saturday. Does this pass your test loona? Am I a fit parent?

The Nanny has also been told they that DS can watch one show with DD after pre-school, but that's all I would like in a day.

YANBU. Get rid. She sounds clueless, disrespectful and dangerous.
Loona - OP can choose when her kids have access to tv without having to defend herself from you.
As for "ItsSoUnfair", quiet day at the office? OP, please do not rise to this, clearly being a goady fucker. I would start growling too if somebody referred to my kids using the unimaginative mumsnet 'snowflake' term, but that's clearly what "ItsSoUnfair" wants.
You have every right not to be undermined in your own home.

Thank you, all of those with experiences and helpful suggestions though - much appreciated.

I wouldnt keep her, she leaves your children unattended in the bath. The salt thing would also massively concern me.

Leaving young children alone in the bath - dangerous.

Television, five minute naps and salt, although not the end of the world it's not good enough.

My issue would be, what else is she doing that you have asked her not to? When else are the children unattended when they shouldn't be? Trust is important and she has broken that majorly in different ways.

Yanbu
Get rid of her
Leaving children unattended in the bath is not on
Ignoring your request for no salt is also a cause for concern as she has ignored your direct instruction and admitted it
The tv and napping, while not ideal , wouldn't bother me as much on its own if it was one off. But all those things together shows she is not capable of following simple instructions
You can get rid straight away or you can set her a deadline to improve and hope she learns to listen to her employer
It depends on how much you like her and how the children have bonded with her

Leaving them alone in the bath would mean I couldn't trust her and would need someone else.

I'm not going to win this one am I?

No

I think it may be time to get rid of her. You can't trust her with the small things and the relationship is sullied. At the same time, if the children like her and she's great at other things then you need to be clearer (written) with expectations. I've always found a long list of rules / things we like is best on day one. That and a schedule. Explain that it's better for them to know what you like and don't like and if they have any questions then to ask you. It's better to go down this route than being annoyed that they haven;t done what you expect or prefer.

In my experience, Nanny's start off as employees. The bad ones get given their marching orders and the good ones become almost family.

As an employer, you're perfectly entitled to be hypocritical re. TV. Our children only get the TV with their nanny if they're sick. Sunday evenings, they'll usually get 2 hours whilst DH and I have a glass of wine and tink about getting ready for work on Monday. Otherwise, never. The same with other things. Our children only get crisps, chocolate when we give it to them. Their nanny would give them crackers or fruit or homemade cake.

Good luck! It can be tough! My first teaching job was EYFS. Most parents are dicks for the first week. Trusting someone with your children is hard! The first half of term 1 in Nursery / Reception is about the parents and not the children.

Yes, change her. If she hasn't followed instructions 3 times (that you know of) and openly objects to your instructions, god knows how many other times she didn't follow them and how many more times she will not. You work hard, you don't need to work yet harder with your nanny. She is there to help you, not make life harder for you. Time for a new nanny.

OP you didnt come here for a review of your parenting so please ignore Iona and Itssounfair who are being ridiculous.

The issue here is the behaviour of your nanny - who is your employee. She is not a good fit for you. Feed this back to the agency and keep it moving - as soon as possible. It doesn't mean she is a bad person, or mean you are horrible. When you pay someone to look after your children it is perfectly reasonable to expect them to follow your instructions and if they disagree, they should raise their objections professionally. Not just ignore you.

The leaving kids in the bath is an absolute red line. She could have folded the towels in the bathroom. It takes mere minutes for a tragedy to happen.

And if something had happened I bet previous posters wouldn't have been saying they were "pacifists".

Forget the TV thing. Bath thing alone means she has to go I'm afraid. Salt thing also not ok. You are NOT being a snowflake.

Yanbu op. I have a nanny and wouldn't be happy with salt or sofa sleeping let alone the bath and it just sounds like she is not happy to take instruction for her job. There are lots of lovely warm flexible competent nannies out there I hope you find one.

The bath situation was very bad. All other stuff seems fine to me. But I don't mind my children watching TV or napping at different times so that's why.
Without trying to sound harsh. If I wanted things exactly my way then I'd bring up my children myself and not have a nanny. No one can compare to mummy.

Your kids can watch TV all day but if you are paying someone to follow your rules and doesn't then I think the relationship has broken down. I'd get rid of her.

Replace her before your children become attached to her.

Hi coming from the other side here. I have worked as a nanny for 35 years. Obviously not for the same family. As a trained nanny I am well aware that children's food doesn't have salt, most 18 month toddlers need a decent daytime nap and children are NOT LEFT UNATTENDED IN THE BATH.
It doesn't sound as if this girl has qualifications to be honest.

You are not unreasonable AT ALL, and I say this as someone who usually defends the nanny!

I would have fired her for leaving an 18 month old child unsupervised in water. End of. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. How any adult, let alone a paid professional, can't know that a child can drown in a few inches of water is beyond me.

Salt in the food and TV when you face specifically asked her to not do this? That's just not doing your job. It doesn't matter if you let them watch TV or not.

The bath thing would be enough for me to not trust she is being responsible with their safety in other situations tbh. My nanny is great about following what I say. A toddler doesn't need salt in their food and won't think it is tasteless because they know no different. I would get rid as she is on probation a lot easier now if you have concerns than in few months time. I expect my children to be entertained (including time for free play), to have naps, healthy food and be supervised properly. Would any of the pp saying the op should lighten up go in to a new job and do things differently from how they were specifically instructed to?

The ignoring reasonable instructions would end it for me. You asked her not to put salt in the food and she blatantly ignored you and did anyway. That would be enough for me.

It's early days she's on probation swap quickly.

Why is the OP getting such a hard time here?

She is the employer. She has specifically asked for things not to happen and her requests have been ignored. Leaving the children in the bath is enough for a warning. So what if she lets her children watch to - that's on her watch and if she is paying huge amounts of money, NI and tax for a nanny, the request for no tv, salt etc should be followed.

OP - give her either a warning or notice and contact the agency. She's in probation, yes? You have time to find a better fit

Without trying to sound harsh. If I wanted things exactly my way then I'd bring up my children myself and not have a nanny.

And if I wanted my children brought up someone else's way, I wouldn't pay them a salary to do it my way. A nanny is paid good money to follow a set of instructions. How fucking hard can it be not to add salt?

Thanks again all

I'd bring up my children myself and not have a nanny. No one can compare to mummy
Harsh. Can't really afford to put food on the table, pay my mortgage and clothe the children if I don't go to work.

I have no idea why the OP is getting a hard time. The bath thing is negligent. The salt could also be dangerous if consistent - toddlers have died from eating too much salt in extreme cases. The other things are not dangerous, but the nanny is an employee who is not following her employer's instructions. If she's behaving like this on probation, it's only going to get worse.