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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to this rude man on the train?

329 replies

Tabbylady · 01/02/2017 21:10

Sometimes I commute by train. Today coming home I was at a table with a woman & baby opposite me and man next to me. I've seen the man a few times- it's a small train and we obviously do a similar commute.

I had smiled at the woman and commented on her cute baby before the man got on. The woman started to breastfeed her baby and almost immediately the man started making disgusted noises and told her to "go and do that in the toilet". She seemed really shocked/speechless.

I said excuse me but she isn't bothering me and I'm opposite her, pointed out that it's illegal to stop someone from breastfeeding in public now, and invited him to go and eat his smelly egg sandwich in the toilet instead. He wasn't really having any of it and said she was flaunting herself, to think of the effect it might have on "those boys" (a table of oblivious teenagers halfway down the train). The woman was now in tears. I'd had a bad day at work and lost the plot a bit.

For context, I work in criminal justice. I was working on my laptop on a presentation on sex offenders I'm due to do, where I have some expertise. (OK to do on a train, it's in the public domain and no graphic images etc!) but did notice him peering at my laptop screen.

I told him, very loudly, that if he was unable to cope with the merest sight of breast in a completely appropriate, public context and was finding himself uncontrollably aroused then I was seriously concerned that he was some kind of sexual deviant and should seek help immediately. I did this in a very earnest, straight-faced, concerned-for-your-health and totally PA way. People nearby noticed, and laughed. He was all flustered, went scarlet and buried himself in the Metro.

I got off at the same stop as the woman and apologised to her as I did not want to have embarassed her. She said it was ok and that she wasn't embarrassed, nice to have been stuck up for etc so I know I did broadly the right thing there.

But did I take it too far with the man? He was being really awful, but I was pretty rude and he was clearly embarrassed. I'll probably see him again on the train. Do I need to apologise to him too??

I'm imagining him on oldmansnet complaining about this nasty random young(ish) woman who accused him in public of being a sex offender!!!

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 02/02/2017 20:53

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kimann · 02/02/2017 20:56

Wow! Well done you. Wish someone caught it on camera so I could see mans reaction! WineCakeGin

lisaboo83 · 02/02/2017 21:05

You are a hero. Please do not apologise! Just ignore him if you see him again!
I don't think what you said was inappropriate at all. He was the one being inappropriate with his vile comments. What a fucking pig.

squizita · 02/02/2017 21:20

Fallon what you are saying is daily-mail-hearsay and technically incorrect, unless the OP is a Barrister and giving unofficial legal advice whilst stating she was a barrister to add credence. Which is a massive no no. The other thing she cannot do is name names or cases which would create data protection or safeguarding issues.

From your internet faux factoids such as referring to "cases" and clumping a range of careers together, alongside the bizarre assertion that such people are on duty 24-7, it sounds like you got your information from the Daily Mail or Mumsnet "everybody know-ers". The OP will know her professional obligations in terms of professional conduct as they will be weighty compared to yours (because if you had such duties, your ability to apply empathy/understanding of the situation would be more accurate).

As she did not overtly state her job she can say what she likes, utilising ant expertise she may have, in a private capacity.

She did the right thing.
People who are clever and do morally weighty jobs have to be professional: they do not have to be stepford robots outside of lower middle class inadequate daily mail fantasy land.

MsJudgemental · 02/02/2017 21:22

Well done you!

SarcasmMode · 02/02/2017 21:22

Yeah I'm completely with you OP.

He was nasty and he brought up sexual based context. Not religious context etc.

To those who said debating with him was the way to go- I doubt it. I doubt he got to his age without hearing the debate and yet still had that view.

Plus it was the heat of the moment and OP was disgusted by him and understandably.

You can't argue with ignorance. I don't mean ignorance as in not understanding but not listening.

Well done for challenging him.

bumblingmum · 02/02/2017 22:22

You are brilliant! Definitely don't apologise to him.

OffToTown · 02/02/2017 22:26

I wonder where the OP has gone. I was hoping for an amazing update Wink

Fallonjamie · 03/02/2017 04:24

Squizita - I am in one of the professions I mentioned. I work in co-operation with people in criminal justice. I don't know anyone who would act like this and think it was okay, let alone seek support for it.

I have been in many challenging situations with difficult people. Thats why I know you don't go out of your way to wind people up and publicly humilate them - it doesn't usually end well. It's also not professional and yes, frontline public services are supposed to uphold professional standards 24/7. The public hold workers in certain professions to higher standards of conduct. And that's why these jobs only suit certain people because you often have to act in a professional and respectful manner in the face of extreme provocation. And no it's easy and it's fine to personally think someone is a complete aresehole because that's human, it's not fine to treat them as such.

Your references to the Daily Mail are just odd.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/02/2017 09:26

I disagree Fallon, she was outside her work, not in her professional capacity, and put a nasty bully in his place. She tried everything else, and he was still be being awful, and the poor woman was in tears. Human nature takes over, and she put a horrid bully in his place.

TTC1985 · 03/02/2017 13:44

No you didn't take it too far! I would have taken it wayyyyy further (and fully intend to) should anyone question my breastfeeding. I am 5'9 and very heavily tattooed though so I'm not anticipating a lot of push back... Halo

raviolidreaming · 03/02/2017 13:45

I'm with you, bibbity

Aeroflotgirl · 03/02/2017 13:52

I am aghast that some of you are disgruntled that a nasty man harassing a mother breastfeeding was humiliated by the op, how about the poor mother trying to feed her baby and being reduced to tears by this man Hmm,

Original poster
Tabbylady · 03/02/2017 14:45

Oh goodness didn't see this was still going on! Blush
I haven't read the hundred or so replies since I went "hmm it's overall OK then" and wandered off, but just to clarify

  • presentation in no way breaching confidentiality of any kind. It is in fact designed to be given to non-professionals and will be uploaded to a publicly accessible website at some point. I am not an idiot and would of course only do reports on a secure server and if I didn't I certainly wouldn't post about that on mumsnet!
  • I saw him again this morning but avoided eye contact and fled to the other carriage
  • After the "altercation" he made some humphing type noises, turned around (he was in the aisle) with his back to me and read the paper. Maybe he was trying to make the point that he was not watching
  • it's a titchy little suburban commuter train going from the city and stops every 3 or 4 minutes. He got off less than 5 mins later and we got off about 5 mins after that.

Anyway thank you for your input and I promise to just go back to posting in the cat forums!

OP posts:
Blinkyblink · 03/02/2017 14:46

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IWantAnotherBaby · 03/02/2017 14:47

You complete star, OP, I think I love you Flowers Grin Halo

LaPampa · 03/02/2017 15:45

@lukesme I think there's a big difference between someone being uncomfortable and not knowing where to look / what to do and the person that publicly interfers, shames, embarrasses another person.

BigGrannyPants · 03/02/2017 16:02

Well done OP more people like you needed. No one should be made to feel that way while feeding their child. You did a good thing, perhaps he'll think twice about being such an arsehole in the future!

BigGrannyPants · 03/02/2017 16:04

OP it will rumble on a while longer as Mumsnet have just posted it on Facebook

Aeroflotgirl · 03/02/2017 16:06

Blinky and to all the other troll hunters, report if you don't believe.

Clareyfairy24 · 03/02/2017 17:29

You are amazing! Poor lady being forced to tears! What a nasty, bullying w**nker you totally did the right thing

titzup · 03/02/2017 17:33

he was harassing a mother feeding her baby for no good reason, he needed stopping and tbh i think you were bang on the money about him being a deviant if he finds it interesting in the slightest.

fck him and fck his ideas that boobs are for sex >:(

lilyborderterrier · 03/02/2017 17:35

Well done you x thank you for telling that idiot man how pathetic he was ! For all the breastfeeding mamas out there thank you x Flowers

avamiah · 03/02/2017 17:37

Don't give it a second thought.
He's a idiot and should of kept his rude comments to himself.
Well done.

Superwomaninmysparetime · 03/02/2017 17:39

Good on you!!! I'm glad you stuck up for that poor mum. How bloody dare he! You would have only gone too far if you had started to ask him 'those questions' and pubically said what sex offender category you thought he fitted!! GrinI would have done exactly the same!