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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to this rude man on the train?

329 replies

Tabbylady · 01/02/2017 21:10

Sometimes I commute by train. Today coming home I was at a table with a woman & baby opposite me and man next to me. I've seen the man a few times- it's a small train and we obviously do a similar commute.

I had smiled at the woman and commented on her cute baby before the man got on. The woman started to breastfeed her baby and almost immediately the man started making disgusted noises and told her to "go and do that in the toilet". She seemed really shocked/speechless.

I said excuse me but she isn't bothering me and I'm opposite her, pointed out that it's illegal to stop someone from breastfeeding in public now, and invited him to go and eat his smelly egg sandwich in the toilet instead. He wasn't really having any of it and said she was flaunting herself, to think of the effect it might have on "those boys" (a table of oblivious teenagers halfway down the train). The woman was now in tears. I'd had a bad day at work and lost the plot a bit.

For context, I work in criminal justice. I was working on my laptop on a presentation on sex offenders I'm due to do, where I have some expertise. (OK to do on a train, it's in the public domain and no graphic images etc!) but did notice him peering at my laptop screen.

I told him, very loudly, that if he was unable to cope with the merest sight of breast in a completely appropriate, public context and was finding himself uncontrollably aroused then I was seriously concerned that he was some kind of sexual deviant and should seek help immediately. I did this in a very earnest, straight-faced, concerned-for-your-health and totally PA way. People nearby noticed, and laughed. He was all flustered, went scarlet and buried himself in the Metro.

I got off at the same stop as the woman and apologised to her as I did not want to have embarassed her. She said it was ok and that she wasn't embarrassed, nice to have been stuck up for etc so I know I did broadly the right thing there.

But did I take it too far with the man? He was being really awful, but I was pretty rude and he was clearly embarrassed. I'll probably see him again on the train. Do I need to apologise to him too??

I'm imagining him on oldmansnet complaining about this nasty random young(ish) woman who accused him in public of being a sex offender!!!

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 02/02/2017 18:10

Well done, you! Thanks

I love the idea of concerned, head tilt, deadpan delivery of it all.
I think it was a valid point very well made.
Kudos.

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 02/02/2017 18:15

Any sign of Mr Titspervert today, OP?

VioletRoar · 02/02/2017 18:18

I'd have high fived you op.

Grinandbearingit · 02/02/2017 18:27

Omg high five!!!! Best thing Ive read in ages! I'm a breastfeeding Mum of a 15 month old, never thought I'd do it this long if I'm honest! I've yet to have someone say something to me!! Oh but do I long for the day they do, I'll open such a can of whoop ass and if I'm finished and in the presence of a breastfeeding mother, I'd step up as you did!!!! Think they take one look at my face and think better of it!! Haha! Girl power! X

Fallonjamie · 02/02/2017 18:27

It doesn't matter if OP was working in a professional capacity or not. Nurses/Drs/Police Officers/Probation officers/Solicitors are representing their professions at all times. They are in positions of authority and power within society. They always need to act in a professional manner.

There are numerous cases of people from these professions being disciplined or even sacked/struck off for unprofessional behaviour outside of work.

As I said, OP was fine till the 'if you're aroused (not something said by the man) you may be a sexual deviant bla bla bla.

tourbillon · 02/02/2017 18:29

OP I think you're bloody wonderful
I'll hazard, that man will never challenge a breastfeeding mum again given what you did. Bravo you!

theonlygeorgie · 02/02/2017 18:31

No, you absolutely 100% did the right thing and I think it's wonderful. He's an asshole.

Purple52 · 02/02/2017 18:31

I'd roll my shoulders back, boobs out and give him a smile every time you see him.

No need at all to apologise. At all.

What you did was totally right.

However by being confident and pleasant to him you will constantly remind him of how inappropriate his behaviour was. I suspect he'll ignore you.

Never under estimate the power of being polite and the strength of a confident smile.

(It'll unnerve him far more that the oh so tempting "f-off pervert")

LittleRed90 · 02/02/2017 18:34

You are absolutely AMAZING!!!!

Shallishanti · 02/02/2017 18:35

ah yes, the power of being polite, much underestimated
well done OP Flowers

MyPuppyIsADick · 02/02/2017 18:40

MrTitspervert 😂😂😂

barinatxe · 02/02/2017 18:50

Sticking up for her - fine.
Loudly claiming that the man was a sexual deviant - not fine.

Him being "disgusted" by a woman breast-feeding does not make him a sex offender or deviant. A lot of people are offended by it - not sure why - and being offended by the sight of something doesn't automatically mean that they are aroused by it.

Lots of things offend me - people vomiting in the street, people loudly dictating a message into their phone whilst on public transport, people wearing those hideous plastic clog things, the Taj Mahal, men in flip-flops, Katie Price - all of them legal (even the first one in certain contexts), all offensive, and none of them arouse me.

Rather than humiliating him, a reasonable discussion of the rights and wrongs would have been much more helpful. Your outburst will almost certainly not have made him change his position on public breast-feeding, rather that he will think that people who support breast-feeding are loud, abusive and generally obnoxious. Perhaps he will think twice next time, perhaps not, but surely changing his opinion on the matter would have been the best preventative measure and the greatest favour you could have done for the right to breast-feed.

Dicks need confronting, but it's best not to be a dick when going about it.

amidawish · 02/02/2017 18:51

Never under estimate the power of being polite and the strength of a confident smile.

i love that
am going to teach that to my dds

oh and very well done OP.

Summerlovin24 · 02/02/2017 18:59

You were spot on. What should breastfeeding mothers do. Never go out incase baby gets hungry? That is why I did it in public the odd time. Necessity.
What a t*. Glad you humiliated him

Aeroflotgirl · 02/02/2017 19:02

Do give over barinatxe, he humiliated a mother breastfeeding to the point of tears, and you care more for him. Hope that prevents him opening his mouth like that again. Yes he was implying that the mother was flaunting herself, and that her bf would cause those boys some arousal because her breasts are exposed. This has moved on from merely being offended, into a sexual sphere, and the man has displayed a perverse mindset, to a completely natural thing, a mother feeding her baby. So yes op answer was totally appropriate.

Fallonjamie · 02/02/2017 19:24

I do wonder (and hope) that OP may be exaggerating a bit.

People working in criminal justice (and other frontline public services) have a great deal of personal experience of the unpredictability of human beings. I couldn't tell you the amount of violent incidents I know of caused by 'they looked at me funny, were talking down to me, disrespecting me, making me look an idiot, interfering when it wasn't their business etc etc'.

People in frontline public services are constantly challenged by the people they work with. Whether it's someone assaulting you or threatening to, someone being verbally abusive or someone just being challenging - shouting, demanding, bullying etc. All training is around how to deal with these situations and attempt to de-escalate and not inflame these situations.

Some young/inexperienced staff take a bit of time and personal experience to 'get this' but OP says she gives presentations on sex offending which would suggest she's experienced. So she should know better than to involve herself in and escalate situations; particularly in public with no back-up available.

Challenging bullying/harassment in public can be risky but professionally fine and morally correct. Potentially Inflaming the situation by publicly humiliating and accusing people of socially unacceptable thoughts? Not fine and far more likely to result in a serious incident that OP did not have the supportive resources to deal with.

It's a great story but I hope it's exaggerated. More for OPS sake than anyone else's.

Grinandbearingit · 02/02/2017 19:25

Aeroflotgirl Well said!!!!!!!

Grinandbearingit · 02/02/2017 19:25

Well said!!!!!!!

DonnaHaywood · 02/02/2017 19:27

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TroubleinDaFamily · 02/02/2017 19:51

Will nobody think of the children teenagers.... Grin

When my DS sees woman BFing, he sometimes comments, oh look the orignal takeaway.

He is no more embarassed than the man in the moon.

Me suspects Mr Metro was projecting. Hmm

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 02/02/2017 19:57

lots of things offend me - people vomiting in the street, people loudly dictating a message into their phone whilst on public transport, people wearing those hideous plastic clog things, the Taj Mahal, men in flip-flops, Katie Price - all of them legal (even the first one in certain contexts), all offensive, and none of them arouse me.
Hang on a minute. You're offended by the Taj Mahal?

TroubleinDaFamily · 02/02/2017 20:01

In fairness, the last takeaway I had from the Taj Mahal was atrocious.Grin

wonderstuff · 02/02/2017 20:11

Don't apologise, you started off being polite, he implied some sexual overtones to breastfeeding (ffs) I think your response was perfect.

Lukesme · 02/02/2017 20:23

It was the right thing to do . I breasted my twins anywhere they needed it. My poor brother is a really kind guy but could not cope with being in the same room while I fed. He wouldn't have said anything to the lady and would maybe have moved or engrossed himself in his laptop. He would have come back and offered help in getting off the trAin though even if it wasn't his stop. Knowing how uncomfortable he is but what a kind person he is makes me feel slightly at odds with my feminist views of its nature get over it !

Cosette123 · 02/02/2017 20:49

This is brilliant! Well done for sticking up for breastfeeding women! Definitely did the right thing!

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