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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toddler behaviour and food on floor in cafe... AIBU?

420 replies

NettleCake · 01/02/2017 13:36

DD is 18months and won't sit in a highchair for more than 5-10 mins (screams, stands up and tries to climb out!)

We have lunch out most days. Mainly cafes and coffee shops. DD runs off constantly to explore, so I end up chasing her, apologising as she gets in people's way. If the cafe has toys she'll play with them for about 5 mins then loses interest.

What do other mums do? We have things on in town most mornings and afternoons, so too far to go home for lunch.

Also she's very messy, throws food on floor, shakes juice etc. I pick up as much as possible but I'm busy chasing her or holding onto her so often leave some of the mess.
I've had a few cross looks from staff. Am I supposed to ask for a dustpan and brush? If I restrain her in buggy/highchair while I clean the floor she'll scream. DH says not to worry about the floor.

How do we eat out without upsetting people... and how long does this stage last?

OP posts:
user1469914265 · 01/02/2017 14:09

I can also tell you a horror story about a woman letting her toddler run around in my restaurant if you'd like.

I was carrying a rather large tray of hot drinks and the kid was rolling about on the floor with the mother nowhere to be seen. I had no idea it was down there and as I was walking along I kicked it, the kid went flying, I slipped over, dropped a tray of hot drinks on a pensioner at the next table and broke my wrist as I slipped. The kid was fine.

The parent then screamed and shouted at me.

Two people in hospital because this woman wanted to sit and chat with her friends and assumed the world revolved around her.

Dancergirl · 01/02/2017 14:09

So that's a good point to start then. Start making her sit and wait in her high chair for a little bit at home. Give her a couple of toys and let her start to learn that sometimes you have to sit nicely and wait

I disagree at 18 months. She's a baby and won't understand the connection. I didn't start teaching mine table manners until older.

bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 14:10

Does she like going to the cafe and spending time with friends there? I know she's very young but if you could tell her play area/highchair or home and follow through with it and take her home if she runs around then she will eventually learn that she can't run around. If she's not overly bothered about going to the cafe and it's more for you to meet up with friends then it is just a matter of waiting until she's older though I think.

Looneytune253 · 01/02/2017 14:12

Tbh, I look after little ones and if they start throwing their food, I tell them no and take it away. They soon learn the lesson. I also clear up after them if there's a mess after eating. Using a wipe usually to clean the floor and pick up last bits.

eddiemairswife · 01/02/2017 14:13

Are you unable to strap her in the pushchair while you clear up?

Bostoncremecrazy · 01/02/2017 14:16

I have a friend like you.....lets her little one do what she wants. Its very embarrassing and the mess left behind is awful - i find myself apologizing on her behalf.

It sounds like your LO needs to be home more - perhaps just a morning or an afternoon activity - at 18months there is no need to do both.
And yes, as PP have said, you need to start at home by keeping her in the highchair to learn to sit until you have all finished your meal. Find some small special toys she loves that are for the highchair only, quiet ones that will keep her interest.
Its not fair on anyone having her run about cafe's - has no-one ever said anything to you about it? or are you oblivious to the raised eyebrows around you?

alwaysthepessimist · 01/02/2017 14:16

I wouldn't be eating out with her sorry, she shouldn't be allowed to run around and I never let my DD throw food or drink around whilst we were out - if she did the food & drink was promptly removed and not given back - she soon learned. As for the highchair thing do play with her whilst she is in there? make it interesting, pay her attention, play, read watch tv - anything - but children have to learn manners and running around a cafe isn't one of them - if it was a cafe at soft play then maybe but not a normal cafe. And yes, clean up, don't leave it for someone else - that's just rude.

Meatbadger · 01/02/2017 14:16

I get the impression that you're out for the day because it suits you rather than your 18 month old. I do understand you want to take her to classes etc but she's still little and may benefit from some quiet time at home in the afternoon (even if she won't nap then).

Unfortunately I found sometimes you have to weigh up what you think your life should look like vs what is actually best for your child. Your friends' children may sit nicely in a highchair when they're out - yours doesn't which is just one of those things. She'll probably calm down when she's older but for now maybe adjust your expectations.

Dancergirl · 01/02/2017 14:17

Agree meatbadger

Meatbadger · 01/02/2017 14:18

Forgot to say - I always make a big show of clearing up mess (DDs are 3 and 10m so there is usually a considerable amount) as I hate the thought of being judged by other parents / staff!

Spikeyball · 01/02/2017 14:20

You need to limit your time in cafes till she is able to sit for longer. When ds starts throwing food and shaking drink it means he has had enough and we go.

Anatidae · 01/02/2017 14:20

Ds is not terribly keen on high chairs and is a Flinger.

We don't go out for lunch much because it's no fun for anyone, but sometimes it's unavoidable. So we keep reinforcing no flinging, sit nicely and we will do that ad infinitum until he gets it or grows out of it. And we always pick food up. Always. And apologise profusely to staff and tip well. Staff are generally lovely and often say 'no no we will deal with it' but you can't just leave it!
Sometimes he's fine but if his behaviour deteriorates to the point it's impacting others we pack up and leave. Because we are the inconvenience and it's not fair on others.

I also NEVER let him run around in a cafe. Never! Not only is it a pain for others it's really dangerous. Imagine them colliding with a waitress or customer carrying hot drinks... serious injury could ensue.

It's a pain, op, but you can't be letting a toddler run around in a cafe. She's at best being a nuisance and at worst a danger to herself and staff. she will grow out of it, but in the meantime reduce visits, keep them short and keep her under close supervision

KP86 · 01/02/2017 14:22

This is why I rarely take my son anywhere! He is a nightmare for eating out.

cocodidit1 · 01/02/2017 14:22

I have a twenty month old, refuses the highchair and can cause havoc in seconds. I tend to stay at home to be honest. Its way too much hard work otherwise. They grow out of this stage so its not forever.
On the other hand if we go to mcdonalds I have noticed he has better behaviour- i think he likes to look at the other kids but you couldn't be going there everyday Shock

Bubspub · 01/02/2017 14:22

I could have written your post OP. TBH, I tend to avoid going out for this sort of thing, unless I have a team of people to help manage my DS. He is 21mo. I don't know how long this stage lasts. It feels long and bloody hard work. I have seen people with older children sat at tables in public who appear civilised and under control (while I'm chasing DS and trying to stop him from ruining everyone else's lunch). I'm quite impressed that you still make it out regularly! X

Aridane · 01/02/2017 14:22

Wow - sounds a nightmare - for the cafe owner and customers.

Wrap up warmly and picnic.

And do you really need to eat out everyday when your DC's behaviour is disruptive at best and dangerous at worst

Vanillaradio · 01/02/2017 14:24

Op I get that you don't want to miss lunch with your friends. But when ds was at that stage that is exactly what I had to do. Wr had about 6 months when it was just not possible.If she can't sit quietly in a highchair or buggy it's really not safe to take her. Toddlers running around particularly where there are hot drinks is a recipe for disaster. I would take her home for lunch, start to work on the sitting for food thing and start taking her when she can sit for longer. The other option is can you not lunch somewhere with a play area she can go in so you can put her in there when she gets restless. Once the weather is better you can suggest picnic near playground.

MrsPeelyWally · 01/02/2017 14:25

groups in morning then swimming or class in afternoon

OP, I think you need to go out less with your wee one and not just because she could be a very tired and might enjoy just being at home. She's wee and learning to be a person, its hard work on her part, she needs peace to do it and being taken out everyday and doing one activity after the other isn't really going to give her the peace she needs.

I hope things get better soon.

ApocalypseNowt · 01/02/2017 14:25

She sounds way overstimulated.

Morning groups and an afternoon class is too much. Add in lunch in a cafe (which is also stimulation for a toddler) and her day is very full on with not enough calm & napping.

My DD1 is an angel and we've always been able to take her out to eat anywhere (still can). DD2 we took her out when she was very little, stopped from about 12mo to 2.5yo, then started up again (in child friendly places in small doses) after that.

MimiSunshine · 01/02/2017 14:28

It's hard because you don't want to feel trapped at home plus as you've mentioned your friends children seem to behave better so you can't help but compare.

However I have a friend with a child the same age as yours who behaves the same way, it's really not that fun meeting up in a cafe with them.

At first I used to help parent by chasing after her child as she was clearly exhausted by it but then she seemed to expect it and would just sit back and let us take over while the toddler ran around causing chaos. So I stopped, and she is constantly up and down (and we don't meet in cafes too often anymore).

Looking from the outside in, the discipline is lacking, the child gets told 'no' and 'thats naughty' etc but there's no real repercussions and if the child screams she backs down quickly because I'm sure she's embarrassed at the scene they're creating but her child knows this and screams quickly and easily.

I think the only solution is to either stop eating out every lunch time and / or get tough, no food throwing, no climbing out and no running around. Decide on a punishment and religiously stick to it, tolerate the screaming and basically have a will far stronger than your toddlers. However They don't care about Social niceties or get embarrassed so you're already at a disadvantage

BarbarianMum · 01/02/2017 14:29
harderandharder2breathe · 01/02/2017 14:32

You really can't let her run around a cafe! Even if you don't care about the mess or disturbing other people, surely you care about her safety? People carrying hot drinks in small spaces is not a safe place for toddlers to explore. As PP have said, serious burns and other injuries can happen easily

Sounds like you just need to not eat out (certainly not "most days"!) until she grows out of this phase. And you can help her do that by keeping her in her high chair after she's finished at home where she can scream without disturbing others.

LilQueenie · 01/02/2017 14:32

Because what do I do with DD while I'm asking for brush/sweeping

Shock lift her and take her with you?

I would stop taking her to cafes if you are going to let her run about. Its dangerous and yes I would judge you for it.

ghostspirit · 01/02/2017 14:33

Op it sounds very stressful for you and her. Going out for lunch is meant to be enjoyed but it does not sound like it is for you
Though. It's just a phase. It might be nice for you and Dd to have lunch at home. I agree Dd seems to have to much going on for a little one. Maybe get by our friends over for lunch? It won't be to long before eating out getsome easyer

JigglyTuff · 01/02/2017 14:34

I can almost guarantee your friends dread it a bit as well. Stay in until you've taught her table manners. She's old enough to learn to sit in her highchair for a bit longer.

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