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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toddler behaviour and food on floor in cafe... AIBU?

420 replies

NettleCake · 01/02/2017 13:36

DD is 18months and won't sit in a highchair for more than 5-10 mins (screams, stands up and tries to climb out!)

We have lunch out most days. Mainly cafes and coffee shops. DD runs off constantly to explore, so I end up chasing her, apologising as she gets in people's way. If the cafe has toys she'll play with them for about 5 mins then loses interest.

What do other mums do? We have things on in town most mornings and afternoons, so too far to go home for lunch.

Also she's very messy, throws food on floor, shakes juice etc. I pick up as much as possible but I'm busy chasing her or holding onto her so often leave some of the mess.
I've had a few cross looks from staff. Am I supposed to ask for a dustpan and brush? If I restrain her in buggy/highchair while I clean the floor she'll scream. DH says not to worry about the floor.

How do we eat out without upsetting people... and how long does this stage last?

OP posts:
HeyRoly · 01/02/2017 13:57

It is hard work, isn't it?

My solution would be not to go to cafes, tbh. It's too stressful. My DS is 20mo and is similar. I'll go to a cafe with him if I have another adult with me who can keep an eye on the buggy and bags while I stop him from absconding, etc. But honestly, I'd never take him out for lunch alone, and certainly not every day.

bumsexatthebingo · 01/02/2017 13:57

Or you could invite them and the kids over to yours for lunch sometimes?

EdmundCleverClogs · 01/02/2017 13:58

Why on earth are you taking your child out to lunch every day if they cannot sit still/are a bother to everyone around them? As for your husband telling you to leave the mess, what a charmer Hmm. Neither of you seem to understand or care what a burden you are to cafe staff. Genuinely advise you feed your child at home or have a picnic, it's obvious too early for your toddler to experience public eating just yet. If you absolutely must feed your toddler in a cafe, you must make more of an effort to clean up and stop her running around. She (or someone else) could accidentally get hurt if this carries on.

Kiroro · 01/02/2017 13:58

Honestly? You just don't eat out until the little one is a bit more mature.

It is really unfair on the cafe staff and on other customers to have a toddler running around. Some people are lucky and their toddler will sit and eat nicely, some people are not so lucky.

Take a picnic and eat on a park bench, or come home.

Try and go in for short cafe visits when toddler isn't super hungry - like mid morning for a quick drink and snack to model good behavior without the commitment an distress of lunch.

xStefx · 01/02/2017 13:59

"Tend to have lunch with friends so a shame to miss it".

OP, you don't seem to have grasped that its also dangerous to let your toddler run around a place that serves hot food and drinks?

You may have to miss it as its dangerous to your child and other people

Turquoisetamborine · 01/02/2017 13:59

My son sleeps far better in his own cot than in a pushchair or car seat. It's more comfortable for them. Would she sleep longer if you came home for her nap and pushed the time back of it then it's less of the day to fill?

civilfawlty · 01/02/2017 13:59

Don't eat out til you can be more confident of acceptable behaviour. Why is your right to eat out more important that the rights of people's whose lunch is being spoiled, or the cafe staff who have to clear up after.

And if you continue to eat out, I hope you leave a proper tip.

dustarr73 · 01/02/2017 14:00

Because what do I do with DD while I'm asking for brush/sweeping? She'll run off causing chaos or scream in buggy/highchair.

Dont bring her,as awful as it it.She is going through a phase and its not fair on other patrons or staff.We have all went through it.

But it sounds like you might be over stimulating her.Maybe have a morning or afternoon off.Feed her before you go anywhere and it will pass.

DesignedForLife · 01/02/2017 14:00

DD (2) is like this. We don't go to cafes any more unless there is a play area. Lunch at home or in the pushchair. It's far too stressful otherwise. Occasionally do coffee with DH and her in tow, but it's a take as many things to entertain her, drink quick, grab everything off the floor with a baby wipe, and run.

user892 · 01/02/2017 14:01

what do I do with DD while I'm asking for brush/sweeping? She'll run off causing chaos or scream in buggy/highchair

You'll have to let her scream, then. But really you'll have to avoid cafes completely for now.

Sirzy · 01/02/2017 14:02

At home she eats in highchair but I let her get down as soon as she's finished. She runs around while we finish eating.

So that's a good point to start then. Start making her sit and wait in her high chair for a little bit at home. Give her a couple of toys and let her start to learn that sometimes you have to sit nicely and wait.

If you insist on taking her out to eat every day you have to take responsibility for "training" her how to behave.

Dancergirl · 01/02/2017 14:02

Yes of course you should clear up after yourselves.

But why on earth are you putting yourself through this?? If she's at that stage I would give the cafes a miss for a while. I wouldn't inflict a screaming toddler on other people.

Can't you take her a packed lunch she can eat in the buggy? Small sandwiches, cheese, cut up fruit etc.

Or have some days at home and eat at home!

user1471549213 · 01/02/2017 14:02

It does sound to me like she is tired. 11am til bedtime is quite a long time for an 18 month old to go without a nap. My DD is just 2 and since approx 1 has been up at 7am nap 12-2pm and bed 7pm this is an average day. All of the kids in her creche so similar naps of around 2 hours from age 1-3 (or earlier if they stop napping at 2.5 etc) she used to do 10.30-12 & 3-4 up til age 1. I think maybe her nap is too early & so she's not tired enough to stay down for longer but then too tired later on. If you are bringing her to playgroups every day where does she nap from 10-11? If you push her nap back then you could have lunch in peace while she sleeps and then feed her when she wakes and leave after the 10 mins once she's fed.

It sounds very stressful what you are going through at the moment.

gnoomi · 01/02/2017 14:02

I had a child like this - my friends children sat there serenely playing with toys/colouring in etc and mine wouldn't do it. I stopped having lunch in cafes (except play cafes) during this phase - we'd do picnics or sandwiches in pushchair and if I wanted to join friends I'd have a quick cup of tea for 15 mins or so whilst they ate. It was a phase and as my child grew older she began to last longer and do things like colouring. Mine was also a morning only napper which did mean meeting up with people was tricky as their kids all slept after lunch, but it was a phase that did eventually end. It's just not fair on those around you otherwise.

potatospuds · 01/02/2017 14:02

I always pick up my toddlers mess. On more than one occasion asking for a dustpan and brush to do it. One saying oh no don't worry although I did walking out the door feeling guilty at the mess left after I'd been on my hands and knees picking what I could up with my hands. Another one a young girl handing one over with a look of 'I've never been asked that I don't know what the correct response is' I was most happy as I do like to clear up my mess. Grin
Do you not have a pushchair? Toddler in that then you can tidy up?
Or as you go along while she's eating?
There isn't really a need to leave a mess.

user892 · 01/02/2017 14:03

Agree with Sirzy. She's not learning appropriate table manners.

LittleMissUpset · 01/02/2017 14:05

As someone who works in a cafe, I don't mind cleaning up a bit if you can tell they've tried to tidy up, but the reason I don't like children running about is people are carrying hot drinks and we are carrying hot food out and it worries me that the child/member of staff/customer could get hurt.

I know it's difficult with toddlers, but I think the picnic idea is a good one, or a snack after class to keep going until you get home.

gnoomi · 01/02/2017 14:05

I'd also add that we did try to get her sitting at home etc but she just never could do it - my other child does it no problem, for them it's definitely personality related.

Dancergirl · 01/02/2017 14:05

Yes out every day on my non work days, groups in morning then swimming or class in afternoon

OP, this is WAY too much for an 18 month old. When mine were that age we did a few things a week and that was it. Other times we pottered around/played at home, went to the park etc.

Why do you feel the need to do so much with her?

hotdrinkandaliedown · 01/02/2017 14:06

I also wonder why you would even go to cafes if this will happen? It sounds stressful for everyone!

We didn't go out for any meals from when DD1 was 12 months to around 2.5 years. All she wanted to do was get out and run, and make a mess. DD2 was much easier.

It sucked but it's definitely a first world problem.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 01/02/2017 14:07

well for a start if you are out with chums one of them could offer to help, either with dd or the clearing up

and stop with the running about after she has finished at home, she could wait five minutes ...even if you have to work it up in small increments she can surely wait until you both have finished your meal?

There is no magic spell, you teach consistent manners and do your best to reinforce them

It's beginning to seem as if you'd like MN to give you carte blanche to allow her to maraud around scattering sandwiches in her wake without any obligation to check her or tidy up after, all under the guise of "that's what toddlers do"

drspouse · 01/02/2017 14:07

I would worry less about the mess (if a cafe is happy to have toddlers in what would otherwise be a quiet period then they will usually be OK to clear up), give it a swipe with a large paper napkin to pick up most of it, wipe the table onto your plates ditto) and MUCH more about the running around. A moderate amount of mess is par for the course in a child-friendly cafe.

My DCs tended more to run around before the food arrived but fortunately both weren't running around at the same age, however, it's hard to stop the toddler running around and attend to the baby.

It is hopefully easier to restrain her after eating though - snacks that take ages to eat e.g. rice cakes should keep her in her high chair longer, or else just cut your losses and go once she's getting restless.

Katy07 · 01/02/2017 14:08

At home she eats in highchair but I let her get down as soon as she's finished. She runs around while we finish eating.
Don't let her get down and she'll get used to sitting there. Hmm

MrsderPunkt · 01/02/2017 14:08

You'll either have to eat as fast as she does then leave, or just have a bit of time out from cafes for a couple of months. 'Sitting nicely in highchairs' is a skill to learn just like anything else and at the moment you don't seem to be teaching it. Lunch at home for a while and let her learn this skill while also learning not to throw food, then go out with friends when it's more enjoyable for all of you.

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