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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Toddler behaviour and food on floor in cafe... AIBU?

420 replies

NettleCake · 01/02/2017 13:36

DD is 18months and won't sit in a highchair for more than 5-10 mins (screams, stands up and tries to climb out!)

We have lunch out most days. Mainly cafes and coffee shops. DD runs off constantly to explore, so I end up chasing her, apologising as she gets in people's way. If the cafe has toys she'll play with them for about 5 mins then loses interest.

What do other mums do? We have things on in town most mornings and afternoons, so too far to go home for lunch.

Also she's very messy, throws food on floor, shakes juice etc. I pick up as much as possible but I'm busy chasing her or holding onto her so often leave some of the mess.
I've had a few cross looks from staff. Am I supposed to ask for a dustpan and brush? If I restrain her in buggy/highchair while I clean the floor she'll scream. DH says not to worry about the floor.

How do we eat out without upsetting people... and how long does this stage last?

OP posts:

PeggyMitchell123 · 01/02/2017 15:11

You may need to just leave the cafe visits until she is older. It's clear she can't cope well in a cafe and it's not fair to everyone else in the cafe. I would start having lunch at home or feed her in the buggy on the go and you eat when you can. I wouldn't keep putting myself in stressful situation. Yes it sucks but not every child is one to sit still nicely and wait, it does pass.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/02/2017 15:12

An 18 month old baby doesn't understand about consequences or reward. You can repeat from dawn till dusk like a stuck record. Do do this or ................. If you do that ..........
It'll just go over their head

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 01/02/2017 15:13

OP, I have to agree with everyone else that it sounds like you are doing far too much with her and she is overtired. Most children that age have a nap in the afternoon (obviously not all are the same). Why does she need to do something both morning and afternoon?

Also, whilst eating, keep her strapped in the high chair from the minute you get there until the minute you leave. Cafe's are not a place for children to run around in. If she screams while you clean up, then let her, but you do need to clean up if she has thrown stuff around.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 01/02/2017 15:13

You asked a question, people answered with perfectly reasonable responses and you aren't interested. So why bother asking?

it's not fair to put your child and anyone else in the cafe at risk of injury because she's running about
she's your child, it is not the responsibility of the staff in the cafe to clean up her mess, it is yours.
if she won't sit at peace and can't go for a meal without throwing food which you expect other people to clear up then don't take her. It really is that simple.

Dancergirl · 01/02/2017 15:13

Exactly aww

GallivantingWildebeest · 01/02/2017 15:14

DD is 18months and won't sit in a highchair for more than 5-10 mins (screams, stands up and tries to climb out!)

We have lunch out most days... dD runs off constantly to explore, so I end up chasing her, apologising as she gets in people's way.*

OMG, this is why I didn't take DD out to eat till she was much odler. Where's the fun in any of that? For you, her or the poor cafe staff?? If I were in a cafe with your and your dd, her behaviour would really piss me off. And yes, clear up after her. Not fair on cafe staff to have to.

if I were you, I'd eat at home until she's a lot older. Take a picnic and eat in the car/outside if you have to be out. or do fewer activities...

Lesley0912 · 01/02/2017 15:15

Your DD is over stimulated and probably exhausted. You certainly don't have to eat out everyday, that is ridiculous IMO.

I work in a pub and you are the worst kind of customer, a screaming child, fair enough, children cry, but letting her run around when staff have hot food and drinks, bet you would be jumping on here looking for sympathy if a poor waitress tripped over your DD and dropped something on her. And of course you clean up after your child! You do it at home so why should someone on minimum wage who has plenty of other customers to deal with have to clean up after your DD because you can't strap her into her buggy for the 2 minutes it would take you!

user1485706893 · 01/02/2017 15:16

My daughter is fine to take out usually but it's a once in a while thing. My nephew on the other hand is out constantly and is like your dd. I can't speak about your dd but my nephew acts that way because frankly, he's bored stiff, there's very little fun about being tied down to a highchair and / pram whilst adults are talking etc. She's a baby, she'll grow out of it eventually but until then try to make sitting in a cafe a once in a while kind of deal or take her somewhere child friendly, with lots of colours / a play area or just the park or something.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 01/02/2017 15:17

Mine wasn't a cafe baby - I don't recall him really throwing food (except at that really annoying 'ooh, look at gravity' phase where they drop everything on the floor, gah) - but he was a restless baby and toddler and it just didn't work.

When he was 3, I decided to focus on properly training him for cafes (ahead of a holiday to Disneyland - yes child-centric, but still France with two-hour meals!), he was ready, I was motivated, and it was easy. I enforced all the rules I wanted during mealtimes at home, and we practised at 'easy' restaurants like Sainsbury's during quiet times etc.

Not convinced it would have been quite so easy to train him to it at a younger age, but I think you have to either do that or otherwise give up on cafes altogether until she's ready. It's not fair on the staff or other customers. I think it's really important to include children in almost all areas of public life and I love to see young children enjoying meals out etc, but it's also necessary to be considerate towards other people.

TheLegendOfBeans · 01/02/2017 15:20

Can't you have your chums round to yours for lunch after a morning activity? At least then you'd be in your own environment and in control some more?

Liiinoo · 01/02/2017 15:21

She sounds overtired, over stimulated and desperate for your attention. Stop the outings/groups and lunches and spend more of your non-work days at home with your DD. You will be able to work on table manners in a safe environment.

RortyCrankle · 01/02/2017 15:26

I think it's pretty safe to assume DH doesn't work in a cafe.

DearMrDilkington · 01/02/2017 15:29

Your doing way too many activities for her and your being extremely selfish letting her run about in a cafe. Imagine if she knocks a hot drink over someone or herself, is it really worth the risk?

Reow · 01/02/2017 15:34

Yes Katy07.

I'm sorry but I hate this kind of thing in cafes and restaurants. If your child can't behave to a reasonably social degree you don't take them to places where it will be imposing on other people and ruining their lunch. You remove them the moment they start to misbehave, or you are validating their behaviour.

MondayTuesdayWednesday · 01/02/2017 15:38

Nettlecake, This doesn't sound like much fun for you, your daughter or anyone else who is in/works in the places you are having lunch. You shouldn't let her run around for starters. You sound like you can't cope with her at all asking what you would do with her while you get a brush!

Eating out is quite boring for children of that age. Eating out every day is really not fair on them. Activities in the morning and afternoon is way to much for an 18 month old. By the time you are going for lunch she is probably already tired if she has only had an hours nap from 10 to 11am. You could see a big change in her if her nap was after her lunch (early lunch around 12) rather than in the morning like that.

splendide · 01/02/2017 15:39

DS loves a cafe but even he would go mad if we did it every day I think!

minipie · 01/02/2017 15:41

My DDs were both not good at sitting still in cafes at that age.

So we didn't go out to lunch until they were older. That's what other parents with active toddlers do.

Arrange to meet your friends in the morning or afternoon or see if they can join one of the many classes you do with your toddler.

Your social life is not more important than other people enjoying their meal (not to mention the mess and hazard you are creating for the staff).

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2017 15:42

And wait for the spring/summer and do picnics.

annlee3817 · 01/02/2017 15:55

My DD is 20 months and I take a booster seat with me where possible and strap it to a normal chair, she tends to be happier when sat properly at the table with us. When she starts getting fidgety I pull out the distractions, colouring books, toys and occasionally out comes my phone which has the cbeebies Iplayer kids app and a couple of downloaded episodes of Mr Tumble. We don't eat out often, I would rather drive home or to my parents if on the wrong side of town and sort lunches, she is too young for us to reason with yet as not talking much, which is why I go for distraction techniques. Not for everyone, but keeps me a little sane.

annlee3817 · 01/02/2017 15:57

I only tend to be out once or twice a week with her though, which is why the distraction techniques are a bit easier. I stay close to home where possible and do baking stuff or we go for a wander to the park

unfortunateevents · 01/02/2017 16:01

Sounds like all these activities and eating out are for your benefit and not hers. She sounds over-tired, a stretch from 11 a.m. with no nap is a long time for an 18-month old. She obviously hasn't got the ability to sit still in a cafe and if you are chatting with your friends she hasn't got your attention and is bored too. However, the answer is not letting her throw food all over the place and running around!

StarlingMurderation · 01/02/2017 16:04

DS is a bit like this. TBH, I try not to eat out with him on my own because he's just so difficult to handle alone.

He's got less messy as he's got older, but I still always clean up after him - often the waiter will tell me not to, though, especially if I have to ask for a dustpan and brush. I think they're pleased if you make the effort. If she screams while you're doing it, she'll just have to scream, though I understand that's really stressful. I try to eat faster than DS! I never have a starter or dessert any more. He does like to run around if possible - sometimes I let him, following cloise behind and making sure he doesn't get in anyone's way, but ONLY if it's not busy.

formerbabe · 01/02/2017 16:08

Anyone else wondering how much it must cost to eat out everyday?!

amprev · 01/02/2017 16:09

If you're meeting up with friends, who also have children, then surely they could attend to your child while you clear up the mess? Also, a shame to miss out having lunch with them? It sounds utterly stressful rather than an experience that would be a shame to miss. I remember having a meal doggy bagged up in restaurant once before we had even eaten it because our dd was restless, making us uncomfortable as we were aware we could be spoiling other peoples experience. We didn't bother with eating out much until we knew that they could be easily entertained with the colouring-in etc.

Scotinoz · 01/02/2017 16:09

I've got a 3 year and 20mth old, and eating out most days with them sounds hell on earth!

Chucking food is a phase thankfully, but you can't let them run in cafes. Strap them in the pram and work quickly in order to exit speedily!

Yes, you do have to clean up after them too; pick up chunks, sweep up crumbs/spills from the table, give the high chair a wipe, ask for dustpan&brush if it's particularly bad and apologise.

As others have said, you need to do a bit of 'sitting at the table' training. Reading books/playing Peepo/quizzing body parts/building with Lego etc while eating occupies them a bit.

Lunch now and again, and a weekly coffee is about my limit!

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